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Garbo1975 · Sep 14, 2009, 10:19 AM

This is my first time writing on here but after a weekend spent reading other peoples stories and the strength they have given me I felt I had to put my situation out there for your help with were my head is.

My wife of 8 years decided she was moving out of our house last April this dragged on for a couple of months until she finally went and took my 3 children with here at the time I was devastated but also relieved that she was going as the 2 months waiting for here to go were hell. She never would say why she was leaving me only that she had had enough I suspected and accused here of cheating on me with some one she used to go to school with and my suspicions were proved correct as she now lives with him.

During the first week after she went I was put in touch with a girl who was a friend of a friend and we went on a date (I know I know that was a bit soon but I thought it would be a great distraction) this date very quickly turned into a relationship and within two weeks we were telling each other we were in love and were spending most nights together it was great she was every thing my wife wasn’t (Beautiful, talkative and very complimentary to me which was just what I needed). About 6 weeks into the relationship (End of July) she said that the spark was gone and that she wanted to finish it to say I was devastated would be an understatement the intensity of this hurt me more than my wife going.

After a couple of attempts to get back with her (Talking to her and taking her out for a date) she wasn’t interested and said she would not have her heart totally in it and that it would not be fair on me I took the attitude that it was over and that I would go No Contact this was on a Sunday when she last said she couldn’t get back with me I then went away for a couple of days and come the Thursday she rang me to ask to come round one thing lead to another and we got back together on the basis that we would take it much slower (Mid August). We kept this up only seeing each other 2-3 times a week and making it more like dating than any thing else but the last couple of weeks she has been getting really stressed out about a course and assignment she needs to do and how much time every one is demanding of her and that she doesn’t have the time to do it I then offered to walk away from the relationship if I was getting in the way of her doing this qualification which means so much to her I was also concerned as the night before I had this conversation I mentioned about going away in November (Course will be finished then) and she had no interest what so ever which gave me the impression that she did not know if she would even be with me by then. Upon talking to her about this she said that she really saw me as a really special friend who was really lovely to her I then said if that was all she thought of me as I should walk away (this was on Wednesday) on the Thursday we did a bit of texting and I asked to see her to talk about us but she said that she had not had time to think about us and that he head said the right thing to do was to walk away but that he heart was sad to loose me, since then I have gone No contact (Its Monday as I write this) My questions are as below

Should I forget about her and try and move on or can it work if we give each other a break ?

If she contacts me what should I say ? (I feel a bit like her in that my head says she is trouble (not in a nasty way) but my heart wants her back in my life

Do I need some time away from women and dating to find myself (I am not a hippy) as I have just jumped from a marriage into another relationship with no time for me?

I can't help but think that my feelings for her may be so strong because she eased me through what would have been a very touch time straight after my wife left ?

Sorry if I have waffled a bit but your help would be appreciated

kctiger · Sep 14, 2009, 10:36 AM

Welcome to AMHD Garbo. To answer your questions (I think they all sort of revolve around being with this women your are seeing), I would advise you to shy away from dating for awhile. You don't just get out of an 8 year relationship (especially a marriage, with an affair in the mix) and jump into another relationship. It is easy to feel that special connection when we first break up as we are really only utilizing our emotions to make decisions, and not our rational thought process. You wanted some emotional support from a female, and your wife clearly wasn't an option.

Take some time out for you. Get your life together. Are you even divorced yet? You have three children who are probably feeling as confused as ever right now. I would focus on letting the "ink" dry, so to speak, from this divorce and leaving the dating scene alone for a while. Just because your ex-wife has another man in her life doesn't mean you need to rush out and pluck the first woman you come in contact with. If she contacts then you can politely tell her you have other priorities in your life and that now isn't the time for false hope and confusion. The focus should be on you and the new adjustments you have to make as a divorced father.

amicon · Sep 14, 2009, 10:45 AM

I interpret this as a rebound relationship and as you yourself suggest you need time to find yourself.your marriage breaking up your wife's infidelity and the changed situation re your children take some time to get over.my advice is to step away from this most recent relationship and get some true perspective of your life-who you are what you want from life etc.you ve read some of the threads on this board-if you haven't done so yet read through the stickies at the top of the page.good luck.

Garbo1975 · Sep 14, 2009, 11:58 AM

I have had a really good day today and for the first time I am starting to think about me and what's good for me and my future and have stopped (for now?? ) thinking about my ex girlfriend and how she is missing out on having me in her life. I am starting to hope she doesn't contact me for a long time as I feel time to myself is what I need and if she dose contact me it will put me back to how I was when we split up

amicon · Sep 14, 2009, 12:16 PM

It sounds like you re moving on in the right direction!take time for you no one else.

kctiger · Sep 14, 2009, 12:17 PM

Take time for your kids. I heard you mention them one time in the story above, but it seems that this ex of yours has most of your attention. I am sorry to say, but they matter most, not you. Not to be harsh, but that is the reality.

Garbo1975 · Sep 14, 2009, 12:29 PM

The kids do get a lot of my attention I have them 2 -3 nights a week and speak to them every night they only leave 20 seconds down the road so them not being at home with me any more haven't been too much of an issue it all that time in between that is the problem.
Its funny the difference between having some one and being one your own in the house and not having any one and being in the house on your own is like night and day I feel quite lonely some times - even do I have a great family and circle of friends to rely on and am keeping myself busy

amicon · Sep 14, 2009, 12:39 PM

Its great you have your kids around a lot.yes it can get lonely without a partner around but after a while you ll find that you get to know yourself better and start liking your own company.:-)

Garbo1975 · Sep 16, 2009, 05:14 AM

PLEASE HELP

I am now up to 6 days NC with my ex girlfriend but am finding it really hard not to contact her, even do I am going NC and trying to think that it is for the best and that I need some time for me to get myself together after all that has gone on the last 6 months.

Am I healing ? I keep finding myself hoping that she will get in touch with me and what would I say it feels like I am not moving on and doing what needs to be done for my future happiness.

How do I get her totally out of my head??

What worries me is that Monday was a good day Tuesday was rubbish totay not bad so its not like every day is getting easier

kctiger · Sep 16, 2009, 05:32 AM

You will have to deal with these emotional roller coasters on and off for a good period. The more you fill up your time and stay busy, the less you notice it. Right now it seems like you need someone to be there, but you don't. You don't need her, so just get through this.

amicon · Sep 16, 2009, 05:40 AM

This is normal.Some days will be tough-there are no shortcuts.Get active see friends-learn to live without emotional crutches.At some point most of us here have gone through this and take our word for it it gets better.