[mericledawn2627]

I am confussed about the Death of my very soon to be wife (My Soulmate) who died suddenly at 43 during the night in our bed has stayed (still here) or moved on to a new world. I found a note that says I will Love you now and until/thru eternity, recently going through some note pads. I truly had learned what Love is as she did. :confused:

[Clough]

Hi, mericledawn2627!

I'm so sorry for your loss! Do you know what she died of, please?

Thanks!

[mericledawn2627]

Hi, Clough
I just joined ask/me in an effort to get-find some answers, and or opions of some very deep burning concers, and issues I have, and debate with daily. My Fiance', and I nurtured an unknown realm of possibilities, and a deep bond that I once I thought I new the answers to like Love, and Soulmates. When I met Laura I/We realized neither of us had truly ever expierenced what is Love. We new instantly that we were meant to be together. It was Absolutely Amazing the Feelings, closeness, purity, desire and so so much more. I had no clue what I did not know before us.
What I was asking, and always think about is how two people so close in an instant could be gone; Finished, over. I know everyone say's she is with you all the time Dawn. Yes, it won't be like someday she will be back, unless there is a way to connected in Death.
It's not good enough maybe I am saying like all of us who lose a loved one to accept that is it. You will never see them again. It is so so freaking hard to believe, accept Death for me now. We told each other our love was from now till eternity, but never thought it was learking around the corner. So it leaves me with what now. I know if she had a clue as her soul departed her body as I lay beside her she would definatley Freaked out. And, did she.
Knowing what was happening to her, and aware of what would happen when I woke up? I do personally believe in an afterlife of what sort I am not sure. (my thinking has changed beyond comprehension from that very moment of Realization that she was Dead. Gone. I wonder if she is there when I lay in bed alone at night missing her, but can't show or tell me? (like the movie Ghost, kinda) I wonder if it has hindered her soul from moving on to the next level or where it is we may go after death. I wonder if she has moved on? Do Psychics really talk with those who have died and what is said crossed over. Did she have a choice to move forward or forever even though I can't see her stay with me. I worry about her all the time. I don't want to hinder God's plan, or new Life for her. It's a lot of things that come to my head. Also something I never truly had a clue about and thought I did.
I talk to her all the time as if she is here. I think about mediums who communicate with the dead. I need answers. I need her thoughts.
I do know I have a whole new view of life, and what you miss when not looking, or noticing until something like this happens.
Maybe I can answer my own questions. There is no dought that there just are not as many coinsidences that I have expierenced since her death.
Things only she and I new keep popping up all around me. Numbers, feelings, smells, thoughts.
Ok enough for now.
I will answer your question although it is a very difficult one. I have done so much research, and see it all around me now.
She overdosed on a combination of methadone and clonapin. (I have found to be unbelievably common.) It was December 26-27 night. I awoke Saturday morning the 27th, and realized right there she was gone. Gone. She died as I slept right there beside her without a clue. I am sure you can imagine that moment of shock for me. (It was The Best Christmas ever for us together, and our Family's) Now I don't want to even think about Christmas. I have gone through so, so many changes. It came down to me making it, or totally losing my mind. My Life is Forever changed. I would never wish this on my worst enemy. I have pulled myself together, and my life has improved compared to what it was before Laura. I am focused, and unwilling to be weak to people who prey on this. At first mabe. I am a lot stronger, and have come to accept no more being taking advantage of by people, Life. If someone would have asked me what I thought would happen to me if I suddenly lost Laura. (And, for something that could have been prevented. I would have said with certainty that I would have lost my miind, and probably even ended up dead or worse.
I know, She has helped me through this. She new me so well. If she had any idea before or thought what I would become if something like this happened, she would have as I, and others thought I would have lost it. She was much more out spoken, and didn't put up with disrespect from others. I was more timid outward, and often let things happen without protecting, or asserting myself if I felt nervous or feaful. I see how "I" allowed people to take advantage of me, or use me, or disrespect me. I geuss due to fear of confrontation or retaliation in situations that were easier to ignore
To keep the peace. After a hard life it sometimes felt easier to hurt or deal with it after trying for years and getting no where. Laura would get so angry when I allowed someone to disrespect me. She was the opposite no one usually would mess with her, or if they did It would never happen again. One Chance she would say is all someone will get if they purpseley deceived her or disrespected her. I never ever had anyone in my life protct me the way she did. I was learning too.
Not that I did not or have my private moments of rage, and anger for allowing people to think they could just treat me like , and I would get over it. (Unless, it was to do with hurting my Son, or Family. People knew I could only be pushed so far, and then My wrath would come out. I have grown unbelievably. See I am answering my questions I think? (My self esteeem flourished from day one with aura, and I felt protected, and actually changed my ignorant low esttem self he Longer we were together. It's sad that it took her Death to realize how I was treated. When she died, people actually went right back to treating me the way they wanted because I geuss they figured Laura wasn't there to protect me. I'm proud to say even in some kind ofShock state I realized she was right, and began taking care of Dawn.
We were attached at the hip. I will let you go if you haven't stopped reading already, and say My inner strength came out liike a shot gun when all is said and done. I have come to be grateful in many/ not all ways, that I got a chance to experience something to Wonderful to put into words with my Soulmate. I used to be ignorant to what was truly possible when you experience what we shared could exsist. I am fortunate in the end that I have my memories to hold. I wish they weren't memories though of course. I can't imagine how much more powerful it could have all been if that night never happened. We talked about it all the time. We new we were blessed, and we were so happy, and safe, and content with only basic material objects. She on the other hand was not used to being treated like a Loved person who could let her guard down. She learned it was OK to show (atleast me her weaknesses, and pain, and accept being taking care of by me, and allow herself to let her guard down rather than always waiting to protect herself. For the first time in my life I felt it through me how safe, and loved, I was in her arms. She learned too how nice it was to also feel safe, and loved, and not always guarded . Loved back. It was one of those instant Loves. We just new we were meant to be together. She used to say it was our phermones!Saying all this out loud I realize everyday how much we shared in a sort time, that people who are together for years never come close too! :)It's almost 7am ,and again I am still awake. Going to sleep without her is the Worst.
I don't know that I will ever laugh, smile, giggle, talk, and feel complete againwith another person. (Hence- Soulmate) I geuss, I am learning as I write that I don't want to even try to duplicate, or expect that kind of bond again. We both had tough lives, and literally fell into eachothers lap when least expected. Everything was right, the timing, our pasts, being single when we met. Our children going off to College, It was all about us, and it was more than I could have ever dreamed of. Anyway I apologize for the book here. I have been alone a lot. Never have I expressed I don't think outwardly to another this much, or written it down. I know she is Proud of me, and it keeps me striving for better. I used to get walked on, abused, and feel so sad until I met her eyes. Thanks for listening. I only wish all people could have expierenced intence true Love the way I did. The World would be a better place. Trust me on that. Take Care, and God Bless You ,and Yours.( Dawn from a small town in Mass.)

[redhed35]

Hello,

I lost my daughter 2 years ago,she was very ill and I knew she would die...

I thought I would not be able to let her go,but when she was in my arms,I knew I could because I loved.

I let her go because I loved her..

I have always felt that I waould never love that way again,or be loved the way she loved me, I was strong when I had her,I was her voice and her champion.

She was a great teacher, even at 4 years of age she taught me so much about myself and the endurance of the human spirit.

I treasure those gifts she left me,and even on those dark nights of the soul when I have felt in the depths of grief I remember her love...

You will love again,and laugh.

And one day,you will tell stories and smile and not cry,and the memories will bring comfort not pain.

Continue to share your story.

[redhed35]

When I said continue to share your story,I meant,talk about her,talk about your love and how you loved...

Those memories and stories will hold your heart together,it will not shatter,but continue beating,even against your own wishes...

Losing someone you love,for me,I think you don't get over it,but learn to live with it.

[JudyKayTee]

I lost my husband almost two years ago - is there someone you can talk to, someone who can listen to you?

I agree with "Redhed" in all aspects of what she has every written on loss and bereavement.

My husband did not believe in an after life so I have had to wrap my mind around that.

It does get easier, it really does - it never goes away but the day does come when the weight is lifted. I grieved relentlessly for the first year and then it became a little bit easier and a little bit easier. Like you, my life will never be the same but I have gone on.

I cannot imagine the pain when self medication is involved but grief and loss remain the same for everyone but everyone handles them in a different fashion. What worked for me, my time frame, may very well not work for you.

Try to find peace, whatever that takes.