[lloydy49]

I'm 38 and have been single most of my life. Earlier this year I met someone at a reunion and then got chatting to her regularly on Facebook. She asked me out as friends as she had just come out of her marriage, and her friends all had partners. We went out and after a few 'mate dates' realised that we were going to be more than just friends.

We started seeing each other at weekends for days out, and sometimes in the evenings. We texted each other all the time; first thing in the morning, throughout the day and then again last thing at night. We had a nice weekend away too. We talked a lot about the future, and about things we hoped we would do together when she was divorced.

It was a little awkward as we had to keep things quiet. She didn't want her estranged husband finding out before the divorce went through, nor her son. I had met her son but just as a friend of his mum's.

Things weren't perfect. We are both quite strong-willed and had spats from time to time. I got a little insecure and jealous when she was with other male platonic friends, as she didn't have to hide them like she did me. We did try to speak openly about this.

A couple of weeks back, she went out for the day with one of these friends. This was something we had been discussing for a while. It was an exciting activity which she really wanted to do. She had been saying that she wouldn't go as she knew it made me uncomfortable, and she knew she wouldn't like it if it was the other way round, but I could see after a while that she still really wanted to do it, so I said go ahead.

She really enjoyed the day, but things seemed different afterwards. After a week, she said the day had made her realise there was so much she wanted to do with her life, and she didn't feel like she could do them with me. She was beginning to feel trapped and not comfortable in a couple. She said she wanted to get happy in her own skin, and needed time and space. She said she didn't want to lose me from her life, and still wanted to do things together, just not all the time.

I was devastated, but understood her feelings and told her so. We met for a walk and I told her that I hoped we would have another chance in the future. I said I thought things would be different when we could be out in the open. She said she still loved me but couldn't promise this would happen.

For the next few days, she texted me in the mornings to wish me a good day. She did ask if I wanted her to not text, but I said I was happy for her to do so - I was just trying to give her space. We chatted on FB one night, and she called me at work to give me some news about her best friend. Yesterday was the first day of no contact at all - it was tough.

I want to give her the space she needs to sort herself out and enjoy life, but am worried that we will lose touch and/or she will think I have given up on her. I also want to be there for her as she has some stuff to go through (including the finalisation of her divorce) but don't want to smother her. I'm finding this balance really difficult.

I have been thinking about things and am beginning to see some of the mistakes I made in the last 6 months. I think I was so excited about 'having a girlfriend', I forgot she was a person in her own right. There were also times when she wanted to sound off to me about things and, rather than just listening, I would try to fix things and offer unwanted advice. I know this irritated her. I can also see how my insecurity about her friends would make her feel trapped. I want to tell her all this, and that I think/hope things will be different when/if we have another chance, but think that doing this will be seen as not giving her the time she needs.

I am struggling with it all. I want to respect her needs, but am scared of her drifting away. I want to have another chance as a couple, but if not at least want to be friends. Right now I feel like I am losing her as both.

I've read a lot of stuff on this board (and others) and am kind of expecting a certain response. But I wanted to get my story 'out there' to see what people thought. It's only been a week since we started the break, and we have been in contact one way or another most days. But it seems like ages and I just need some support/advice. Thanks.

(Sorry for the long post.)

[amicon]

She went into this relationship with you too soon after splitting up with her husband.after a breakup we all need time to find our feet again and to have a relationship with ourselves.you can only respect her wishes and try to live your life as best you can.

[kctiger]

You know, it is really easy and downright expected that we start realizing our "mistakes" or glorying everything we think we did wrong to justify a break up. The issue is her and not you. She was just coming out of a marriage and the divorce papers aren't even signed yet. That is a pretty big red flag and honestly I would have been shocked if this relationship had worked out long term anyway.

Forget the friends thing for awhile. She needs to get through this and there is NO need for her to start another relationship yet, just my opinion. I don't think that would be ideal at all right now. Sorry to be blunt, but you were sort of a rebound, someone she could rely on since her "husband" was not an option anymore. Good luck! I recommend cutting the contact down also as I fear any contact you maintain and "friendship" you prolong will only be in hopes of reigniting a dead relationship between the two of you. That isn't fair and it isn't realistic.

[talaniman]

KC is right, as when someone is getting out of a marriage that's a warning to go slow, and proceed, with caution.

The secrecy was another red flag that should have given you warning to slow this train down, and guard your heart.
Looks like back off a bit and going back to what you were doing before you started being involved with her is your best course of action now, as friends is what has happened.

It happens, and you aren't the only one who has fallen for someone that's not really 100% available for what you want.

[zippit]

Once you have taken the "relationship" to the next level its near impossible to go back,and you have already reached a level of commitment and even jealousy whether she wants to be "friends" or not,I don't think YOU could handle that.You can't un-do the past only look to the future you said in your op
" kind of expecting a certain response"
You know what you need to do... Good Luck