[momincali]

BJ, I'm glad to hear that you are sticking to your principals and not contacting her. I hate to say it being a woman and all, but sometimes women blurt out the stupidest things without really thinking things through. When you wrote that often you and her would talk about your future and that she wanted to have a child with you, that raised a big flag for me.

Having 2 children, a broken marriage and then saying very heavy things like I want to have a child with you after a 10 week relationship is shocking and scary all at once.

I think that the key to you maintaining strong is because you have put mind over matter. When we allow our emotions to take the reigns, we begin to struggle and get weak. Your logic is telling you that she may not be the right person at the right time, your emotions and memories of your time with her and her children are prodding you and poking you until it hurts. That's human and normal. I too believe there may be someone else involved in her life now. Try to find a different way to satisfy your emotional craving. Get involved with charities as much as you can. Maybe become a Big Brother or some other organization. You're a good guy and there are lots of people who can use your help out there.

It may get tougher during the upcoming holidays, stay focused and remember we are here for you.

[bj_1964]

Thanks Mom! You are right about how quick she was to discuss having children, settling down, etc... This talk actually started on the first date which should have sounded the alarm for me! Yes we had know each other for several years from work, but we really didn't know each other.

I am doing a little better every day. I am not too worried about the holidays, as we never spent any together to start. Actually the hardest holiday was Halloween because we had made plans.

Good idea about looking into some charities. I will give that some thought.

[bj_1964]

Well its been five weeks of NC and things are getting better. I have to say the NC does give you time to think things through more rationally without any influence from the EX. I can see now there were a lot of signs early on that I ignored.

Wildcat, I think you hit it on the head when you said her self esteem was shot from the divorce and she needed to date a lot to build it back up. I have heard that she is not only seeing someone else, but seeing three different guys at the same time! That juggling act will catch up with her.

Hearing things like that really make me see how much better off I am without her. She is not the person she portrayed herself to be at the beginning, or the person I thought she was.

Still keeping the focus on myself, still not smoking after three weeks, and working out about an hour a day. The exercise is a great way to release the built up frustrations!

[BIM]

It sounds like you are getting you $hit together--which is great! :p

After reading some of your recent posts--I feel sorry for this gal's kids. What are they doing while she is out partying all the time?

What kind of example is she setting?

Good luck.

[Wildcat21]

" I have heard that she is not only seeing someone else, but seeing three different guys at the same time!" - not surprised - I sure she is 1000 % confused. They need this for themselves esteem.

"That juggling act will catch up with her." - believe me it will - it's really unhealthy on her and her kids at this point.

I think now you would never want her back.

A lot of divorced women do this - they may date for 5 years - many, many men. With zero to show for it except massive confusion on everyone invovled.

Go find a nice healthy gal that wants to actually work o nthings.

[BIM]

Would spread the love CAT but couldn't. ;)

Ya, this gal is EXTREMELY insecure that she needs this many men or thinking she needs these men to feel good.

Again, POOR kids--I have seen kids in these situations and absolutely hate it. ERRRRRR.
These children are going to grow up very confused and feel they need to be this way to be happy. That sucks. Another family cycle that will not be broken.

Leave this lady be or you are going to be caught up in a whirl wind of problems.

[Wildcat21]

BIM - I can't rep you either - BUT YES... I've seen this as well - kids that are a MESS!!

It screws the kids up in their adult relationships big time and the process starts all over again.

[bj_1964]

BIM and CAT, thanks for the feedback. You pretty much validated the same things I have been thinking. You know I think I have hit the point where I actually miss being with her kids more than I miss being with her!

[BIM]

As much as I hate to say this--there is nothing you can do for her children.

You were just a boyfriend and you will not be able to save them from this destructive cycle. It is soooo sad. :mad:

[Wildcat21]

It's really sad - same thing happened to me a while ago. You could just tell her parents screwed her up, and her divorce and terrible decisions with men were screwing up her kids big time. The kids were a mess.

It sad, I wante to help her, but couldn't - she only knew one way.

[bj_1964]

Yes, it does hurt, but I realize there is nothing I can do to help the kids.

This whole situation is so sad. Like I said in previous posts, I had know her for about 8 years prior to dating. I waited until about 2 1/2 years after her divorce to ask her out, as I thought she was getting it together. I think that her losing her job set her back causing her self esteem to crash again.

I guess it was good this happened now, before I invested any more time in the relationship. Life is full of setbacks, and she obviously does not deal with them well. If she hadn't lost her job, I am sure some other disaster would have set her back at some point.

[Wildcat21]

Losing a job can be like a death in the family.

You know how screwed up she is when you were there for her then - and then she poops on.

Just make sure to look at this with booth eyes open.

And you can not ever tell her how to bring up her kids for no. You will really push her away.

[Wildcat21]

I didn't realize you had nown her for that long. Was there any other inconsistencies you can now recall, that maybe you can look for going forward?

[bj_1964]

I didn't realize you had nown her for that long. Was there any other inconsistencies you can now recall, that maybe you can look for going forward?

Yes, we worked at the same large company, in different departments. We would work together occasionally on projects. I did know her fairly well, but not real well.

She came out of an abusive relationship with her ex husband (both verbal and physical). She had dated him since high school and was married at 18. I am sure part of this is that she never had that "wild time" prior to marriage.

There were some inconsistencies early in the relationship that I ignored. She had made the comment to me once that she was "a big flirt" but not to worry because she was a one man woman. There were a couple of times we were out with friends that her "flirting" was a little much for someone who is in a committed relationship. Again, I think it all boils down to the insecurity, and the more guys attention she can get, the better for her ego. It is really too bad because deep down I saw the side that wanted a secure healthy relationship, but the insecurity with herself costs her the very thing she wants.

[bj_1964]

Losing a job can be like a death in the family.

You know how screwed up she is when you were there for her then - and then she poops on.

Yes, I definitely feel "pooped on"! It was a tough situation for me a work, being in a management position. Her co-workers and friends kept coming to me, and I felt caught between supporting her and the company. I really had to walk a fine line at work and not comment at all about the situation, and at the same time help her to out with things like collecting unemployment. To make matters worse, one of my best friends was her superior and was the one to fire her!

I also went out of my way to help her out without giving her cash (which she wouldn't accept). I would take her and the kids out to eat, movies, etc...

Two days before wanting to "slow down" she told me how much I meant to her and how she never would have made it through losing her job without me. Two days later, the poop started!

[dbek]

I have been dating a girl for about two months and everything was going fantastic. She has two young children who I got along with great. She told me she was tired of looking and was ready for a serious relationship.

When we first started dating we worked at the same company in different departments. A week after we started seeing each other she lost her job, which was rough on her. I was there to support her and help her search for a new job. Things continued to go good and we grew closer and often talked about a future together. She would often comment about how much she loved me, how good I was with the kids, etc.. All her friends told me how happy she was, and how impressed they were with how well I treated her.

Without much warning everything turned upside down. She told me that she thought she was ready for a relationship, but now wasn’t sure. We both felt that things did move too fast, and agreed to slow it down. We have kept in touch by phone for the last week and I am sensing even more doubt in her about our relationship. She has been very moody and depressed at times, and says it is because of not having a job and the stress of not having an income with two children. She said she needs to get her life together and does not have the time to give me in a relationship. I have asked her several times if she wants to try and make this work, but at a slower pace and she says yes, but yet I can’t even get her to agree to meet with me to discuss things in person. All our discussions since things turned bad have been over the phone. The last time I saw her was a week ago, when she spent the night with me. It was two days later things started going bad on the phone conversations.

I understand the difficulty of loosing a job, as I have been through it in the past. I just don’t understand the quick turnabout in her feelings. It was only two days prior to the bad news she had told me how thankful she was that I was there to support her through this difficult time.

Interested in anyone’s thoughts on what I should do. Reading other posts, I am thinking that I should stop contact with her, and let her make the next move. Any suggestions are appreciated!

It's very hard when children are involved (you need to understand that) she maybe thinking what if this doesn't work out and that children are attached to him and thinking on how hard that is. Not have money-is a very stressful thing in itself. My opinion let you know you are there to help her, but give her some space to work things out. If you push too much you may lose her. I have a couple of friends going threw a divorce and trying to start over in a relationship and taking it slow is the best thing to do, even if you feel your heading nowhere.

[Wildcat21]

"She came out of an abusive relationship with her ex husband (both verbal and physical). She had dated him since high school and was married at 18. I am sure part of this is that she never had that "wild time" prior to marriage."

Wow Dude - more comes out! The abuse can be horrible - this lady is so confused. I knew a lady who was in 15 year abusive relationship. So mixed up - so screwed up. The abuse can be life damaging.

The wild girl satge is pretty important to most women - again I know another gal who had a mid-life crisis at 40 because she never had her wild girl stage. 5 years of it.

[Geoffersonairplane]

The wild girl satge is pretty important to most women - again I know another gal who had a mid-life crisis at 40 because she never had her wild girl stage. 5 years of it.

I identify with the reasons for a wild stage. I believe most go trough this period hopefully while they are young. I started my wild GUY stage at 17 and did not finish until 22. Now at 26, I am confident that I have matured a great deal and glad that I experienced it well before 30.

I think it is part of growing up but then again, some need it, some don't..

Sorry for drifting off the point slightly here bj..

[bj_1964]

Wow Dude - more comes out! The abuse can be horrible - this lady is so confused. I knew a lady who was in 15 year abusive realtionship. So mixed up - so screwed up. The abuse can be life damaging.

Wildcat,

It's amazing how I can see more and more of the truth as to what kind of person she really was. Another benefit of five weeks of NC.

So why is it, even when I can see that it was not as good as I thought it was, there is still a part of me hoping to hear from her. The rational side of me thinks I am lucky that this side of her came out after only 7 weeks. The irrational side still see's the good person she portrayed herself to be early in the relationship.

I have never seen such a split in behavior in any woman before. At first she was all about wanting to settle down, do family things with the kids, etc.. Now it seems to be all about the party life and getting attention from the guys.

[talaniman]

That's why you take it real slow and get to know who it is you give your heart to.