[amicon]

Yes that's very true kc - its helping most of us posters Id say.Michael you re getting there.one day the pain will be gone.

[PirandelloLuigi]

Yes I believe in that too, by giving advice and sharing your experience with others you heal quicker and you are one step further to meeting the ''right'' person for you.

Every time I spend time with my new girl I discover things about her that she loves, things that my ex hated. For instance, I play with her hair and mess it up and she loves it. My ex would say don't touch my hair your messing it up.

These little things help forget my ex even more. I see my new girl appreciates the simple things.

Do not be afraid to be selective, make sure the next one has a good attitude and is a flexible giver and you won't get hurt.

[paxe]

That's actually great Tando. Now is the time to put all that into practice. Have a great time and take care of yourself but don't jump into another relationship yet. Live your single life for a while. Life is not about finding the "right" one, life is about pursuing your dreams and achieving your goals. Finding a mate shouldn't be in your dreams or in your goals.

[Tando]

Hey guys,

I don't think I will jump into a new relationship. That will take a long time for me to be ready for something new and especially something fair towards the other part. As long as I haven't moved on and let go of my ex, there is no way I can get involved again. I am aware that this may take me a long time, but hey, it is not about mateship, but rather about finding your own way and destiny. I trust that I will get back on track and realise my true purpose... I do not have one currently, But I strongly believe it will return...

My purpose in life turned into being there for my ex... I neglected my duties and became so focused on her, so she was my purpose, my goal and my aim, my center of life. Also some kind of distraction from dealing with myself eventually... some sort of protection system... as long as I can look after someone else, I do not have to look after myself... And as paxe said, a person cannot be your sole and main goal... she can be part of it or escort you there, but never BE the goal.

Usually you always meet someone when you least expect it, don't you? At least that happened to me and my past relationships...

Nevertheless my ex triggered something that I was never capable of telling her... a longing for stability, for routine, for a place I can fully call "home" and she was the person, I felt right to include in this new picture. But I never told her all that and wasn't able to act accordingly either... so strange...

I learnt a lot about myself over the past four months. Many things that simply hurt, because I realised how unsensible I was towards her feelings, her pain, her needs and her problems. It shocked me to realise, how "badly" I treated her and what a negative effect my behaviour had on the partnership and on her. I never meant to hurt her, but still did... At least, I realise and will be able to take a closer look next time...

... but it hurts the most, that before getting to this point, I had to lose this wonderful person and hurt her in the process...

... I do not care about my pain too much, because that is for me, but I care too much about her pain that I inflicted and caused... it is far harder for me to deal with the fact that I hurt her so much emotionally...

Guys, I will try and share my experience with others and advice... I think I have a lot to tell about breaking NC, not letting go, need to move on and concentrate on yorself, forgiving yourself etc... lots of healing to do... personal healing, because in the end, she did what she had to do and I never felt really hurt during the partnership... Only the break-up really hurts and the dissappointment in myself...

[Sooo Confused]

Seriously, I do not even know what can make me happy currently. I seldom smile or laugh and if then it is not from my heart...


You really have to stop looking at others to define your happiness, and start looking into the wonderful person you are and once you forgive yourself, you will find happiness again. Take your time, it will happen for you.

[amicon]

Sooo confused it will happen too you too.

[Tando]

Hey guys,

An update:

Last week I got the remaining stuff back to her without meeting her. That was good. Nevertheless, I HAD (be aware irony :-) to write a short email and explain, why I added certain stuff. And then I couldn't stop myself and tell her stuff like... "you are a great woman... you will be contend in your professional and private life... a man who had a shot at you and didn't make it happen simply does not deserve you... I hope your next man will love you right, appreciate you right and bla bla bla..." I even sent it off!! I could beat myself up for such a bloody nonsense!! Damn, I loved her right, I appreciated her right and I even deserved her... don't know why I brownnose with her...

She'll probably read it and think: Not one thing has he learned yet, roll her eyes and be reassured in her opinion...

Only minutes after I sent off the mail, I knew that it was a pure mistake... I make myself small in front of her and I know I don't need to do so... I still did... and I embarrass myself, humiliate myself... How stupid... I was close to hitting my head against the wall - literally...

Anyhow, damage done once again and eventually learned from it... for good... don't ask me why, but I know... and I feel it ;-)...

Otherwise, I had a weekend, feeling down, being home at my Mum's place and received so many reminders. Today, back in my student city, I feel better, more active and actually started to get stuff done, that I need to get done asap. Proud of myself. Even my moods are better. Looking forward to practise tonight.

Today morning I was sitting in front of my laptop, worked a bit and suddenly a very happy feeling overcame me... I started to smile at myself and was somehow proud that I managed to sit down and get something productive done... and then I even shed some tears of happiness but also sadness... mixed emotions... but it was really good...

And then a little but somehow important "success story" about "NC".
In the afternoon I received an email from my ex. It's about cancelling the shared account she was still using. Forgot about it. She assumed we have to do that together and I thought "$hit... I do have to meet her again..." really do not want to... I want to get away from her eventually. The message pushed down my moods, but this time, I was able to pull myself together and keep a cool head. So I went to the branch and asked for options. I collected a form, signed it and will drop it in her postbox. This way I will not have to see her... write a short email stating "check your post box please" and then this is done...

Sometimes I even realise that I do not miss her anymore... I am living by myself now and she is gone... so the only pain is coming from within... from my heart and head... and it is me who is causing this pain... and if I am careful enough, I can control it, if I dare ;-).

Okay, so much from me... On Wednesday I will be away from here for another 8 days... looking forward to it... planning to get work done, do sports (running and badminton), meet dear people and also relax a bit... will be a good time, I am sure...

Should've done that long ago... had four f... ing months, but my weak mind and trouble stopped me... this time I do have the feeling, something clicked within me and I am ready to rock'n'roll...

[Tando]

... and I even listened to your advice and I try to assist others with my personal story. I hope it will help and I actually feel good about it... Trying to prevent others to endure the same pain and do the same bloody mistakes I did!!

[paxe]

Damm bro, you've been doing almost as good as me when I started NC. You have a lot of courage.
Actually you are the perfect example of what people should be doing, study, work out, being sociable, going out... and feeling better about yourself. Don't forget there is tons of girls out there, but now you have to concentrate on yourself.

[Tando]

paxe... if you read the whole threat, then you'll realise that I am the best example how NOT to do it in the first place... it took me a long time to get to this point... bloody four months... and I am planning to do work... planning to do sports and planning to socialise... don't know how to get it done yet... and if I succeed... but it did the first steps...

The past four months I actually wasted away in my self-pity, didn't leave my room some days and only distracted myself online with movies and series (watched all 8 seasons of Scrubs for example)... only in the last two weeks... slowly but surely I start getting better... I am flipping not a good example... only now I start to do the right thing that I should've done in the first place...

... and I am not worried about girls... I try and meet some, but with no serious intentions... just clean fun... it is about me and my future and career now... I have to put myself first and then I will see...

[paxe]

Actually I read about it but I forgot a bit. What I meant is that you show a lot of positive signs and that's actually great. But you are right 4 month is a long time, time to take care of yourself and heal. Don't start slowly sport and socializing. You should do it everyday. It's quite normal you have been in pain, you haven't taken care of yourself.

In 3 month after my ex broke up with me, I lost 22 pounds and I have never been in that great of shape before. Don't think about it, just train and exercise. Every day you will feel better.

[talaniman]

Paxe... if you read the whole threat, then you'll realize that I am the best example how NOT to do it in the first place...

I see you as a perfect example of realizing your mistakes, learning from them, and making the right adjustments for yourself.

[Tando]

Thank you tal... That means a lot to me!!

Seriously... I still have a long way to go... but at least I started eventually...

I've not only lost a partner, I also lost myself... which is far more important... but the outcome will be much greater than my recent partnership and lifestyle... and with my new knowledge I might be able to prevent more painful events in my life... for myself and others!!

... it will be hard work, painful but rewarding, and slowly but surely I am ready to take on the battle...

... for that I am proud of myself... first signs of improvement are present... and I am glad and happy :-)...

[COCADA]

Hi Tando,

I read your whole thread, it took me awhile but it was worth it. I have experienced that same feelings of self loss, sadness, pain, doubt, resent, specially on letting go of our mistakes and of our once loved ones. While reading your post I noticed you did really good with NC and after the break up you were a good ex. There was this part I read when you talked badly about your ex with friends, but I am sure you were not as mean as I was with my ex I really really fu** up and still feel horrible. I told him horrible things and I told him I was really sorry for everything. We met once after almost 6 months, It was big mistake though because I was still feeling like crap and I still wanted him back so much, but he didn't he, told me that after all the fu** up stuff I told him , he don't think he could love me again. And man... that was so tough to hear, If I was feeling depressed before, after that I was a wreck. I made such a huge mistake and I still feel so bad and I still don't know what to do to make this feeling of guilt go away, its just so hard to let go.