What should I do?

tuck60 · Sep 1, 2009, 12:26 PM

Hi,

Im new on here and just came on to get some advice really. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now and I am now wondering whether we have reached the end. We do not live near each other and our a 3 hour car journey apart, we are now seeing each other less then ever, once maybe twice a month max.

I want to see her more but she can't sometimes has she has plans etc with friends, I comptletley understand that but feel that if you care for someone and want to be with someone you would make the effort to see them. Once I tried to raise this issue with her and she felt that I was trying to control her.

Am I overreacting here, or am I right to question if she really cares for me and the relationship?

Any advice is much appreciated.

Thanks,

CrazyThumper · Sep 1, 2009, 12:35 PM

Tuck- you said you have been together for two years? Have you always been far apart (3 hours?) or is this a new change? If you have always made an effort to see each other more often then 1-2 a month over the last 2 years then something is going in the wrong direction... give a few more details if you don't mind.
Also- how old are you and your girlfriend?

Thumper

tuck60 · Sep 1, 2009, 12:47 PM

Originally Posted by CrazyThumper

Tuck- you said you have been together for two years? Have you always been far apart (3 hours?) or is this a new change? If you have always made an effort to see each other more often then 1-2 a month over the last 2 years then something is going in the wrong direction... give a few more details if you don't mind.
Also- how old are you and your gf?

Thumper

Hi,

We have always been this far apart but use to see each other more often, usually every weekend. We met while I was at Uni and I have now finished and am working, she was just working when we met but decided she too wanted to go to university. She started the year I finished in 2008. She is now in her second year, during her first year we would still see each other 3/4 times a month but this has now decreased. We are both 23, I understand that she wants to enjoy uni etc but I don't want to feel like it is all one way if that makes sense if she isn't really that bothered.

redhed35 · Sep 1, 2009, 12:51 PM

Is there a compromise here,example,every second weekend you take turns to visit each other?

That way you both have two weekends a month to make plans with friends etc.

I wish · Sep 1, 2009, 01:12 PM

I think you need to speak to her about your future together. Long distance is really though without a future in mind. It helps when the long distance relationship is heading in a certain direction. Are you going to be in the city some time soon in the future?

Sounds like you're very insecure about your relationship.

tuck60 · Sep 1, 2009, 01:12 PM

Originally Posted by redhed35

is there a compromise here,example,every second weekend you take turns to visit each other?

that way you both have two weekends a month to make plans with friends etc.

Hi, Yes we do alternate who travels to see who but it is harder for her at weekends due to work commitments. I like going to see her and spend time with her but sometimes get the impression/vibe from her that she is fitting me in and its almost like a chore for her to see me when she could be doing other stuff. Am I just reading too much into everything here?

talaniman · Sep 1, 2009, 02:46 PM

I will just be honest, as I can't see being with anyone who would rather be with her friends, more than with me no matter the distance.

Why are you still there being an after thought, or an option for someone? For two years? Something is wrong with this picture.

none12345 · Sep 1, 2009, 02:50 PM

Some people believe, friends are forever but boyfriends/girlfriends come and go.

I personally do not believe that and if I was dating someone, I would want to have priority over their friends. Basically if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't wait too long to see if things get better.

tuck60 · Sep 20, 2009, 09:03 AM

Threads merged

I split up with my girlfriend off over 2 years last month and am really struggling to cope and move on. We were happy for the most of the relationship but towards the end just seemed to drift apart, we were a couple of hours away from each other which made things hard. I did a lot for her and felt sometimes she took me for granted so we both felt a split was the right thing. The thing is I still love her and really miss her, we said we stay in touch and we spoke for the first time last night, she seems to be coping a lot better than me and this made me sad like she didn't really care. Even when I try not to think about her I do and I am struggling to sleep and can't focus on work or anything else. Should I not speak to her again so I can try and move on and forget about everything?

redhed35 · Sep 20, 2009, 09:08 AM

Yes, I agree with your last line.

Going no contact,will give you perspective and time to heal.

There are some really good stickies on the relationship thread,have a look through them,and you will see how other people coped and healed.

I wish you the best of luck.

kctiger · Sep 20, 2009, 09:24 AM

Yeah, you can't really get over something when you don't give yourself a chance to. Break ups suck, especially when one person has gotten over it while the other is still hurting. By going no contact you can at least remove a sense of false hope and pain.

You will be fine, it just requires patience and effort. It isn't fair to remain friends after a break up when one person is still in love. That is foolish and unrealistic. Good luck and I recommend you vent on this board if you feel down. We are all here for you.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 20, 2009, 09:24 AM

Yes, no contact, if you don't, it is only torture.

I wish · Sep 20, 2009, 09:52 AM

She's coping better than you because she's the one who wanted the break up and you still want her back.

You're going to have an extremely hard time getting over her if you're the only one who wants this relationship to work. The best way for you to get over her is to stop communicating with her. The more you talk to her, the more false hope you're going to have and that's just going to prolong your recovery.

Leave each other alone until you've healed from the breakup. If you still want a friendship, it will have to wait until you've recovered from the break up. You'll know when you've recovered when you stop having false hope of wanting to make the relationship work. It's going to take some time, but you have to give yourself the time. Be patient.

tuck60 · Sep 21, 2009, 05:27 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

She's coping better than you because she's the one who wanted the break up and you still want her back.

You're going to have an extremely hard time getting over her if you're the only one who wants this relationship to work. The best way for you to get over her is to stop communicating with her. The more you talk to her, the more false hope you're going to have and that's just going to prolong your recovery.

Leave each other alone until you've healed from the breakup. If you still want a friendship, it will have to wait until you've recovered from the break up. You'll know when you've recovered when you stop having false hope of wanting to make the relationship work. It's going to take some time, but you have to give yourself the time. Be patient.

Thanks for your comments, she has been the one getting in touch with me via text etc just asking if I'm OK so I feel bad if I just ignore. There are no bad feelings towards each other I just don't understand why it ended. About a month prior to the split we went on holiday and a really great time. Deep down I know I just need to move on as there is no point in trying to convince someone to be with you.

redhed35 · Sep 21, 2009, 05:33 AM

Your right,you can't make someone want you.

If you think about it,most people who want to end a relationship think about for a while,before they actually make the break,so its easier for them to move on,because they already started the process in the relationship.

For the other person it's a complete shock.

She probably is worried about you,and perhaps trying to ease her own guilt for hurting.

Ignore her sympathy.

She has her freedom,that's what she wanted.

You focus on you now,and find ways to heal and become stronger.

tuck60 · Sep 21, 2009, 05:45 AM

Originally Posted by redhed35

your right,you can't make someone want you.

if you think about it,most people who want to end a relationship think about for a while,before they actually make the break,so its easier for them to move on,because they already started the process in the relationship.

for the other person its a complete shock.

she probably is worried about you,and perhaps trying to ease her own guilt for hurting.

ignore her sympathy.

she has her freedom,thats what she wanted.

you focus on you now,and find ways to heal and become stronger.

I know what everyone is saying is true that's the stupid thing but deep down part of me wishes we tried to make it work as we went through so much together. Now that's it over I find myself questioning everything in my life like work etc and am not sure what I want anymore.

redhed35 · Sep 21, 2009, 06:01 AM

Your confidence has been knocked,and its natural to question other aspects of your life,but,and it's a big but.. you are in control of your life,you had a good life before her,and what she thought about you is only one person is the world!

Take stock for your life and the people who love you,your working life is your achievement,and nothing to do with her..

Dig deep,and don't let a broken heart dictate your life's course or yourself worth.

A broken heart is not a good sounding wall and its advice is crap,to be frank.

amicon · Sep 21, 2009, 06:07 AM

Its sometimes good to question where we are in life , to stop and think what do we really and truly want to be doing , where are we going etc.Plus you need to mourn the relationship and eventually heal and move on.This takes time and patience.Be good to yourself.

tuck60 · Sep 21, 2009, 10:39 AM

Thanks again for the feedback. I guess it's hard to take that someone deems you not good enough for them especially when that person means so much to you. I have now deleted her phone number and email etc and thrown all old letters and cards etc out. Hopefully this will allow me to completley forget about it and move on.

amicon · Sep 21, 2009, 11:17 AM

It's the one option that will help you heal the fastest. All the best.