Check out some similar questions!

confusedinutah · Aug 31, 2009, 09:47 PM

I am happily married and have a beautiful 13 month old daughter. I can't stop thinking about my first long lost love. I should probably give some history:
He was engaged when we met. Regardless, we got involved and I fell in love with him. He was going to call off the wedding for me but I told him no. I didn't want to end up being the fiancée he was cheating on. He got married and moved away but, we stayed in touch. He ended up getting divorced (surprise) and wanted me to come out to California and be with him. I refused. I think I wasn't ready and also still had in the back of my mind that I didn't want to end up being the wife sitting at home while he was out cheating on me.
I have found myself thinking about him constantly and even went so far as to email him. I just relocated out west, which is much closer to him, so I don't know if that is why I have been thinking about him so much. I wonder sometimes if I made a mistake because I can't get him out of my mind. I feel like I need closure. Is that a cop out? Do I still have feelings for him? Or am I just looking for something exciting to occupy my mind?

Just Dahlia · Aug 31, 2009, 09:59 PM

You said you are happily married, if your happy why do you need this closure?
How long have you been married?
In my mind happily married means exactly that. There should be no question.
If the same thing happened to me (being happy), I might be curious to see this person as an old friend, but that would be it.

Are you sure your being honest with yourself:confused:

confusedinutah · Aug 31, 2009, 10:03 PM

That is a very good question! That's what scares me the most, maybe I am not "happily married" I do love my husband with all my heart, but yet I find myself thinking about whether I made the right decision in the past about saying no to the other guy.
It's harsh but true and thank you for your insight

Stringer · Aug 31, 2009, 10:10 PM

Somehow it seems that 'being married' is a disposable thing when these things occur. People seem capable of tearing up their vows and can find any reason suitable to do so.

Those vows were either said in a church or possibly in front of a judge. Either way, you gave your oath...

I think that making further contact or going to see him is a decision to slide down hill to hurting a lot of people.

And besides, you are correct, he cheated with you on his fiance' what makes you think that when he or you for that matter won't need a little excitement and create an endless down slide..

I guess that I just don't understand...

Stringer

confusedinutah · Aug 31, 2009, 10:32 PM

No, you understand. I did say my vows in front of all my family and friends, and I love my husband and darling daughter. I have put him in the past for five years and haven't even thought about hime until recently. I think it's just because I live close to him now.

I didn't take my vows with the assumption that I could just "tear" them up at any time. I am trying to be honest with myself and find the root of these feelings I have been having recently

I hope

Stringer · Aug 31, 2009, 10:36 PM

I can't give any validation, I'm afraid that my point stands.

confusedinutah · Aug 31, 2009, 10:41 PM

You shouldn't give me any validation, that is not what I'm looking for. I know it is wrong and wish I could make it stop!

Thanks for your insight, it is much appreciated!

Stringer · Aug 31, 2009, 10:45 PM

I've said my piece hon, I wish you a... good decision.

Jake2008 · Sep 1, 2009, 03:59 AM

I don't know what is wrong with your thinking exactly, but to seriously entertain possibly destroying your marriage, and giving your daughter the enviable status of being from a broken home, seems rather selfish to me.

It doesn't matter what the reason for your preoccupation is with this old boyfriend. The fact that you've been in contact with him is bad enough. To have him, I suspect, think that the two of you could still possibly have a relationship, has me shaking my head here.

You need to wake up and smell the coffee here. You have a husband that you love, and a daughter that you love. Why would you give that up, seriously, why. Do you think you would be happier? Your daughter would be better off? Your husband is worth dumping?

Why is it that these fleeting memories have become such a big deal to you that you would consider pursuing it.

Marriage is not negotiable. When you are married, you have to grow up and realize that choice is not an option, especially when you have a child to consider. You aren't in an abusive relationship, he's done nothing wrong, you love him as you said.

There will be times in your marriage that you will doubt that you made the right decision. But, while there is another man on your mind, you will be looking for reasons to bail. It happens time and time again, when marriage and commitment and fidelity mean nothing anymore, when something more exciting is just around the corner.

I hope you can realize that you have a good marriage, you don't need another man, and you owe your husband, your daughter, and yourself a little more respect and dedication to the family you do have.

As someone who has survived and lived to tell about being married 33 years, I can assure you I seriously doubt you have what it takes to be solid marriage material with the way you are thinking here.

I feel sorry for your husband and daughter, who probably have no idea how immature and selfish you are being, in my opinion.