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TheAnswer001 · Aug 30, 2009, 01:56 PM

I feel I am stuck in an almost impossible situation following a relationship break-up. I am honest with myself and understand and accept why it ended, but not why my feelings continue to linger over a year on.

I look back now and realise I was used to get over a previous ex- of hers, I was honest with her, told her how I felt etc, and got nothing back so finally just gave up on her. Then she wants me, because 'she didn't realise that she liked me so much... and how long it had been', and it has escalated from there.

I fell for me and she knew it and ever since the break-up I have received several texts, messages, phone calls etc with her saying she misses me, wants me back etc. but only just after she has been with someone else. Its always been hard for me to accept I am second best in these situations and I respond accordingly, yet its never stopped. I feel I have never been allowed to move on. Recently she has started seeing someone and it has become a bit more serious, but even now she says she still has feelings for me, she is confused and doesn't know what she's doing etc. It's a horrible situation to be in. Obviously not content to mess me around it seems she is doing exactly the same to her new boyfriend. I try to ignore it, but I'm not the partculary forgiving type, I don't see why I should just sit around and accept it and not say anything to her or him for that matter.

Most recent developments have led to her to say she never wants to see me, we will never be friends and resorted to name calling, but I haven't done anything wrong, I feel like the villain. She has told me to leave her alone before and I've honoured that, only for her to want to meet me several weeks later, which I agree to. And the whole process is repeated.

My problem is I hate the way she is treating people, and I feel I should say something but so far have just bitten my tongue. The added problem is our shared friends, who still sing her praises despite my attempts to explain the situation to them. Some of them even blame me for all the problems it has caused. She has integrated into my friendship group really well, which was great at first, but now its me that doesn't get invited to nights out, parties, dinners ets. It's a horrible situation to be in, I feel let down by friends I thought were closest to me, and that I've have been made out to be the villain. If I do turn up to social occasions she makes it obvious I'm not welcome.

I don't know where to go from here?

kctiger · Aug 31, 2009, 05:49 AM

Find new friends and move on without that drama and BS in your life. Let her do what she has to do and you take care of yourself. Find people to be around that actually appreciate you for who you are.

TheAnswer001 · Aug 31, 2009, 07:09 AM

Thanks. I know you are right, but these are my friends of 10+ years. I still have people I know I can trust but as this drama rumbles on, they seem to let me down one-by-one. For me, the problem has always been that I feel punished for doing nothing wrong, yet she is allowed to get away with it. Ive tried my best and challenged her when I thought she has stepped over the line, but I'm still the bad guy. She knows she has hurt me but doesn't seem content with that and is now turning my own friends against me.

I wish · Aug 31, 2009, 08:12 AM

Until your feelings for your ex have completely disappeared, just keep your distance from her and your common friends.

Like you said, 10+ years, so they must understand why you need to keep some distance, it's for YOU. You need to RECOVER first. Once you're done, if they were truly your friends, they will still be around for you afterwards. Otherwise, they weren't really your friends in the first place.

I do realize that you've been trying to recover for a year now, but in fact, it's much less than that. Every time you talk to her and get affected by her, you reset all the progress you've made. So in fact, your progress only really started from the last time you talked to her.

There are 6 billion people on this planet; I definitely recommend getting to know new people.

inertia · Aug 31, 2009, 08:48 AM

I don't think anyone has properly addressed your situation. Sure, it's easy to say "find new friends". However, it takes years to culitivate the kind of friends you will be cutting ties with.

I was in a very similar situation. One friend out of the whole crew (my roommate) was the only one who knew the ugly truth of the situation. Everyone else succumbed to my ex's charms. Forget "friends". Get closer with your family. They are the only ones you can really ever trust. Friends are almost always fickle. Most guys think with their genitals and who knows what your ex has said to them.

To give you a bit of hope. It's been a year since my mess ended and all of those friends have now stabbed each other in the back a few times each. I was the first to leave the crew. Now the whole group has disbanded. Many of them have tried contacting me again to reconcile. I'm not interested. I will say this though. In all future relationships, my SO will simply stay away from my friends. Meet a few times, sure, but I won't integrate them again. Maybe I'm bitter, but it's best to keep them separate. Truthfully, as I get older I need friends less and less anyway. Family is very important to me, friends not so much.

talaniman · Aug 31, 2009, 08:54 AM

One of the biggest life lessons to learn is being able to cut false friends from your life.

True friends support you unconditionally, no matter what, false friends don't care, and are only people who act like they do.

Your learning a valuable lesson, beyond the relationship that failed. Don't take the actions of these false friends personally, they would stab themselves in the back at some point, just to further their own agenda.

Maybe its just time to build your own life that you enjoy with family, and real friends.

TheAnswer001 · Aug 31, 2009, 09:56 AM

Thanks for the responses, it has certainly given me a bit more confidence in how to deal with the situation. I suppose I'm bitter my ex still has a hold over me and she knows that, she said she still has feelings for me, is confused etc while she is with someone else. It doesn't make sense to me, its like she's trying to stop me from moving on. I suppose she'll stop when she realises the relationship she is in is going OK, and she won't need me to fall back to if/when things go wrong. So I assume I will be disgarded altogether pretty soon.

It's a shame to lose close friends over this, but I think what people have said is the right thing to do.

Thanks

talaniman · Aug 31, 2009, 10:30 AM

Don't let her feeble attempts to keep the door open by controlling your so called "friends" stop you from doing what's necessary for yourself.

The truth has come to light, and ignoring her should be your pleasure. It gets better, I guarantee it.

Just so you know, I would rather have one good friend, than a bunch of back stabbing people who don't give a rats patoot about you. :eek: