[TigerLilly232]

I live with my boyfriend and he is amazing. He does everything for me. Tells me that he loves me. Cooks. Cleans. He's cuddly and affecionate when we're sitting on the couch and he always snuggles up to me in bed.

When we first met we fell for each other instantly. We had sex every day, sometimes twice. After a couple months we moved in together. Then all of a sudden it stopped. After a few weeks of doing it just once a week, I said something about it. His response was "Oh, I didn't realize, all you have to do is ask, I'm sorry." But it still continued to happen less and less frequently. Then I realized that even when it did happen, I had to initiate it, and he no longer engaged in any foreplay. Basically, I go down on him and stimulate him manually until he finally just says "Jump on." And I'm supposed to be ready? I again spoke to him about it, and he said "Sorry, he just doesn't think about it that much."

He offered that he may have decreased sex drive due to his age. He's only 32 (I'm 27). I think it has to do with him smoking pot all day, which is something he is unwilling to give up.

It just really hurts when I make moves on him all the time and he pushes me away and says he's tired or he wants to watch t.v. And then recently he was telling me that a few months before we met, he had a threesome with these two trashy girls and I found out that he was going down on them and doing all sorts of stuff with them-he never has gone down on me and we've been together for 6 months. Why was he motivated to do stuff with these trashy girls, but never has the desire to do this with me? I'm his girlfriend and we've even talked about marriage. I asked why he has never gone down on me and he said he didn't know. He just doesn't think about it.

One thing that seems to be an issue but he won't admit to, it seems that he has trouble keeping a hard on for longer than 10 minutes. Sometimes he can't get hard at all. I've tried to ask him if he might have a problem, which would help me be so much more understanding to the situation because I do love him, but he denies it and says everything works fine.

I love my boyfriend. Nobody has ever treated me better than him in any relationship, it's only the sex department that is bad. He won't talk to me about now as it's a taboo subject since we did get into a fight about one night. He says it's my problem because he's perfectly happy with the way things are. He said it's probably because we live together and he sees me all the time so it's different. But it's not different for me! I still want it every night. I'd be happy with a couple times a week at this point as we haven't had sex in two weeks. Its about twice a month now. I'm a once a day kind of girl. I'm willing to compromise but I don't think I'm willing to give it up completely which seems to be the path we are taking (honestly twice a month and I'm not having an orgasm seems like giving it up to me)

I know he's not a bad lover. It was great in the beginning. Even with him not being able to get hard sometimes. The fact that we were just making out and being intimate is really what satisfies me... it's not that I'm just some sex fiend. I love him with all my heart and I just really want to make this work.

I just don't know what to do. It makes me want to push him away when he tries to cuddle me every night because then I would be taking something from him that he enjoys. But I don't want to be childish. I love him and I don't want to be angry with him over it. But he won't talk to me about it. Honestly if I never brought it up and never made a move I don't think it would ever happen. He says it's not me, that he is attracted to me. His main argument is that he just doesn't think about it. However when I bring it up, he won't talk about it. He'll just say "Not again. We're not talking about this."

Please help me as the thought of losing him is unbarable but I need intimacy in a relationship.

--TL

[Gemini54]

It’s not unusual for sex to become less important than when you first met. But it sounds as if your sex life has gone into nosedive.

He claims that he doesn't think about sex - I have never heard a bigger bag of BS is my life. Most guys think about it all the time! His age has nothing to do with it - my husband is 51 and I can hardly keep up with him. Something is wrong here.

You have to talk to your BF. Not the 'why don't we have more sex, what's wrong with our sex life' conversation that you've already had many times.

You need to have the bottom line talk.

You need to let him know that you love him, but that this is a potential deal breaker in your relationship. And it is.

What you want to see from your BF is some form of action. Not the denial that you have been faced with to date. You want to see that he is responding to what you've told him and that he sees the seriousness of the situation.

This is about him being grown up enough to realize this has become a major issue in your relationship and him accepting some responsibility. It’s about you both being prepared to at least look for a solution.

These issues are always about choice. Your BF can choose to do nothing, live in denial and risk losing you or, he take your concerns seriously.

You can choose to have a relationship without sex. You can say to yourself the relationship is so good otherwise that it's worth going without. That’s your choice.

Or you can admit you want more from a relationship and that you may be prepared to lose what you have to get the relationship you really want.

[simoneaugie]

For some men, smoking pot is the trouble. When they're high "not thinking about it" is very do-able. Erection difficulties can be a direct result of taking THC into the body. Sure, some men have no problem. But pot may be the trouble in your relationship.

Gemini gave you some sound advise. I'll second it.

[smoothy]

I'll second what simoneugie said, and third what Gemini54 said... its sound advice.

And give you one of my own. You shouldn't HAVE to even be having this conversation if you really had a good relationship. Yes you have to do SOME work in a relationship, but the difference between a good and bad relationship is how much work it takes.

A good one takes very little work, you both are on the same sheet of music and its harmonious, but if you are constantly fighting to get some obvious basic stuff like this... its a bad one.

[TigerLilly232]

Thank you everyone. Gemini, Last night I had the bottom line talk with him. Basically what it comes down to is his excessive pot use. He admitted that anytime in his life he has smoked this heavily, he loses interest in anything that takes energy... sex included. He didn't want to blame the pot before because he thought that would cause me to ask him to give up pot, which is something he isn't willing to do (I've nagged a bit about his pot smoking for a while now, because since he lost his job he smokes all day).

So I told him that I love him, that he means the world to me and I appreciate everything he does for me, but the pot is definitely a deal breaker. He wouldn't even entertain the idea of cutting back, so I told him that as much as I love him and want this to work, I have to stand my ground with it being a deal breaker. He was just getting annoyed and not really taking me seriously (patting my back saying "okay baby whatever you say baby")

So since I'm not in the position to move out and get my own place at the moment, I opted to sleep on the spare bed last night. He was not happy about that. He kept going on saying nothing should ever be so bad that I have to sleep in a different bed. He told me I was "really starting something." Then this morning when I went in to say goodbye as I left for work, he wouldn't talk to me. He's really mad that I've chosen to sleep in the next room. But I just don't know what my options are. He won't stop his excessive use of marijuana, and I can't be happy with someone like that. My options are-Shut up and deal with, Keep nagging him and arguing with him about it, or stand my ground quietlly and peacefully (which is why I decided to just sleep in the next room, I feel like I'm getting my point across without nagging him-he can smoke all he wants but if he wants to share his bed with me he has to think about how it's effecting me).

The only problem is, I hate seeing him unhappy. I don't want to hurt him or make him angry and I think that this might be what I'm going to end up doing. Should I go back to sleeping in the same bed with him? Or stand my ground? There's nowhere for me to go and I can't move out (which is a bit extreme anyway). Just trying to figure out the adult way to handle this.

[Gemini54]

Thank you everyone. Gemini, Last night I had the bottom line talk with him. Basically what it comes down to is his excessive pot use. He admitted that anytime in his life he has smoked this heavily, he loses interest in anything that takes energy...sex included. He didn't want to blame the pot before because he thought that would cause me to ask him to give up pot, which is something he isn't willing to do (I've nagged a bit about his pot smoking for a while now, because since he lost his job he smokes all day).

So I told him that I love him, that he means the world to me and I appreciate everything he does for me, but the pot is definitely a deal breaker. He wouldn't even entertain the idea of cutting back, so I told him that as much as I love him and want this to work, I have to stand my ground with it being a deal breaker. He was just getting annoyed and not really taking me seriously (patting my back saying "okay baby whatever you say baby")

So since I'm not in the position to move out and get my own place at the moment, I opted to sleep on the spare bed last night. He was not happy about that. He kept going on saying nothing should ever be so bad that I have to sleep in a different bed. He told me I was "really starting something." Then this morning when I went in to say goodbye as I left for work, he wouldn't talk to me. He's really mad that I've chosen to sleep in the next room. But I just don't know what my options are. He won't stop his excessive use of marijuana, and I can't be happy with someone like that. My options are-Shut up and deal with, Keep nagging him and arguing with him about it, or stand my ground quietlly and peacefully (which is why I decided to just sleep in the next room, I feel like I'm getting my point across without nagging him-he can smoke all he wants but if he wants to share his bed with me he has to think about how it's effecting me).

The only problem is, I hate seeing him unhappy. I don't want to hurt him or make him angry and I think that this might be what I'm going to end up doing. Should I go back to sleeping in the same bed with him? Or stand my ground? There's nowhere for me to go and I can't move out (which is a bit extreme anyway). Just trying to figure out the adult way to handle this.

Well done Tigerlilly - that 'bottom line' talk is always difficult! I'm so sorry that the outcome was not more positive for you.

I agree that smoking dope can really depress the libido - but it can have other effects as well. I smoked a lot in my 20's and I know it affected my motivation, clarity of through and inclined me more towards depression. Smoking all day is really unhealthy and points to other issues in his life that he is using the dope to mask - e.g. his unemployment and his unwillingness to deal with your relationship issues.

It seems as if your BF has made a choice. He has chosen smoking dope over the health of your relationship. About that he has been quite clear. So you need to make a choice as well.

I think that for the time being you need to quit the scene. Can you go and stay with a friend or with family? If this is not possible, then continue to sleep in the spare room. He needs to understand that you are utterly serious and that you give priority to his health and the health of your relationship.

He is an adult and must take responsibility for his decisions and the consequences of those decisions. He has chosen to continue smoking, so he needs to understaand that it will have a consequence.

Don't mollycoddle him - it's hard, but it's called 'tough love'. It may well make him unhappy and he may feel hurt, but he's not a child and it's time that he grew up and faced the world with clear eyes, not through the smoky haze of marijuana.

[Catsmine]

Where does he get the herb? If he hasn't got a job how does he afford it? If he refuses to cut back your only option is to start saving up for your own place.

[TigerLilly232]

Catsmine,
He gets occasional temp work (a couple days here and there), unemployment benefits from the government, and he recently got about $3,000 back in taxes from last year.


Gemini,
Thank you so much. Your advice is really helpful. The thing with my living situation is that I am an American who came to live in Australia for a year to work and travel. I met my boyfriend the second day I was here (so it seemed like fate at the time, although now I'm not so sure) I've been in Australia for 6 months now, spent all of it with my boyfriend. I have made some girlfriends, but none I feel comfortable asking if I can stay. I came to Australia by myself, all of my family is in the states. So you see? It's a bit difficult for me.

I tried to call him during my break as usual about half an hr ago and he's not answering. He always answers or calls back right away. He's really upset. He really does try to do so much for me. I hate this. But I have to be strong.

[Gemini54]

Catsmine,
He gets occasional temp work (a couple days here and there), unemployment benefits from the government, and he recently got about $3,000 back in taxes from last year.


Gemini,
Thank you so much. Your advice is really helpful. The thing with my living situation is that I am an American who came to live in Australia for a year to work and travel. I met my boyfriend the second day I was here (so it seemed like fate at the time, although now I'm not so sure) I've been in Australia for 6 months now, spent all of it with my boyfriend. I have made some girlfriends, but none I feel comfortable asking if I can stay. I came to Australia by myself, all of my family is in the states. So you see? It's a bit difficult for me.

I tried to call him during my break as usual about half an hr ago and he's not answering. He always answers or calls back right away. He's really upset. He really does try to do so much for me. I hate this. But I have to be strong.

You poor thing - I didn't realise that you're so isolated. You really have few other options other than to 'bunk' in the spare room and to maintain your stance on his smoking.

Of course he's upset. You're asking him to do something that requires him to make a choice - a difficult one! Let him sulk.

I would encourage you to continue to be strong - I know that this may be a deal-breaker in your relationship - but it also may not. It could lead to you both having a much stronger connection and to him breaking the nexus between him and the drug.

He probably needs professional help to stop smoking and there are many places in Australia that can assist - your local Community Health Centre is a great place to start, as is any doctor that bulk bills.

[Catsmine]

[QUOTE=TigerLilly232;1955890] The thing with my living situation is that I am an American who came to live in Australia for a year to work and travel./QUOTE]

Might be about time to try that second thing you went to do. I used to smoke A LOT, like I missed the 70's completely (well, about eight years, anyway) and all he's thinking is whether this batch is any good.

[Gemini54]

[QUOTE=Catsmine;1955928]

The thing with my living situation is that I am an American who came to live in Australia for a year to work and travel./QUOTE]

Might be about time to try that second thing you went to do. I used to smoke A LOT, like I missed the 70's completely (well, about eight years, anyway) and all he's thinking is whether this batch is any good.

Ha! I can relate to that Cats - me too. I tested quite a few batches. We used to grow our own, hopefully, he doesn't!

[TigerLilly232]

I guess the worst case scenario for me is, he chooses not to stop or cut back or give me any hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I stay sleeping in the next room, and then we grow apart.

I don't want to fight with him during this time. I wish he could just accept me sleeping in the other room for now and just use this time to think about whether our relationship is important enough to him to make a change. I wish he wouldn't get so offended and refuse to talk to me until I "stop being silly." I'm not doing this because I don't WANT to be in bed with him. I want nothing more.

I can't imagine him going to get help. But there's always hope I suppose.

Thanks again for everything and I'll keep you posted.

[Gemini54]

I guess the worst case scenario for me is, he chooses not to stop or cut back or give me any hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I stay sleeping in the next room, and then we grow apart.

I don't want to fight with him during this time. I wish he could just accept me sleeping in the other room for now and just use this time to think about whether or not our relationship is important enough to him to make a change. I wish he wouldn't get so offended and refuse to talk to me until I "stop being silly." I'm not doing this because I don't WANT to be in bed with him. I want nothing more.

I can't imagine him going to get help. But there's always hope I suppose.

Thanks again for everything and I'll keep you posted.

Not fighting about it is great. Quiet determination is what is needed.

You KNOW that he is the one being 'silly'. It's his choice to be offended, hurt and play 'Im not talking to you games'. These emotions justify him not thinking about what the real issue is and demonstrate his immaturity.

Remember, you're not his mother, you are his GF. Let him sulk.

[TigerLilly232]

Well I got him on the phone. Apparently he had left his phone under his pillow and it stiffled the ring lol so I jumped to conclusions. We had a brief conversation about every day normal things like we do when I call from work. He didn't bring anything up and I didn't either. We even shared a laugh about a couple things so it seems that he's not sulking at the moment. After that conversation I suspect when I get home we'll do our normal things together (make dinner, watch some t.v. etc.) and things will be fine up until bedtime rolls around and I have to tell him that I'm still serious. I just don't have the energy to be mad at him all day, because I'm really not "mad" at him. I love him and love spending time with him. He hasn't done anything mean or hurtful to me, he was a pothead when I met him. I wonder how he will react on day number 2. He's told me countless times that cuddling up with me in bed at night is his favorite part of the day and I know he means it. He can ignore or walk off when I try to talk to him about it, but to him, sleeping in separate beds is a huge problem in the relationship, so now he can't ignore that there IS A HUGE problem.


P.S. I'm not some goody goody either, I've done my fair share of pot and plenty more. I've just reached a point where I want to find a mate that I can imagine a future with, one who isn't stoned all day on the couch with no libido or energy to do anything active and fun (I'm very outdoorsy and active. He is too when he's not stoned all day, he's got the pics to prove it lol).

[Gemini54]

P.S. I'm not some goody goody either, I've done my fair share of pot and plenty more. I've just reached a point where I want to find a mate that I can imagine a future with, one who isn't stoned all day on the couch with no libido or energy to do anything active and fun (I'm very outdoorsy and active. He is too when he's not stoned all day, he's got the pics to prove it lol).

That's why it's important to stand firm on this issue - I applaud your no-nonsense approach, and the fact that you're not making a drama of it.

You have a dream, you have priorities, you want a healthy future - all fair enough things to desire in a relationship. Let's face it, being a dope smoking couch potato is not sustainable in the long term!

Quiet, loving persistence may be all that is required. Someone has to take a stand and ask him to change - it may as well be the person that has his best interests at heart.

[smoothy]

Here is a big issue to consider. Not sure what the laws are down there...

But if he ever got busted... and you were in the same house, you can be implicated and possibly lose your property to seizure. That's an angle few people ever consider.

YOu have to stand your ground, and stand by your principles... because except for some material possessions that can easily be taken away, that's all we really have when all is said and done.

[TigerLilly232]

Last night was not so good. Everything was normal like I predicted, and as ususual he's just smoking and smoking. So when bed time came around and I chose to sleep on the spare bed again, he got upset again. I said when he's ready to talk about a solution or compromise I'll join him in bed. His response was "I guess we're breaking up over this so make whatever arrangements need to be made."

I cried myself to sleep in the spare bed, feeling lost and alone. At one point I woke up and snuck into the bedroom and snuggled up to him while he was sleeping, trying to tell myself I have to let him go. It's all just so very hard. I don't plan on calling him today. I need to start detaching.

[jmjoseph]

Last night was not so good. Everything was normal like I predicted, and as ususual he's just smoking and smoking. So when bed time came around and I chose to sleep on the spare bed again, he got upset again. I said when he's ready to talk about a solution or compromise I'll join him in bed. His response was "I guess we're breaking up over this so make whatever arrangements need to be made."

I cried myself to sleep in the spare bed, feeling lost and alone. At one point I woke up and snuck into the bedroom and snuggled up to him while he was sleeping, trying to tell myself I have to let him go. It's all just so very hard. I don't plan on calling him today. I need to start detaching.

It won't be the first time that someone chose their drug over their mate.

The weed is more is important than you.

That hurts doesn't it? Well, at least you know where you stand now, before the wedding, and not after. I would pack up, and find a friend to stay with. He's not going to change his mind until he WANTS to quit.

I can't believe he told you that he was with two skanks and went down on them. And when you mentioned wanting a little oral action too, he said " I didn't think about it"??

What the hell kind of answer is that?

He's a jacka$$ in my opinion.

That right there should have been the deal breaker .

Move on to a REAL man. Not a BOY who would rather make love to a bong , instead of his lady.

I wish you the best.

[TigerLilly232]

Thank you jmjoseph. Everyone has been so helpful and supportive during this time when I feel like have no one. I wish I had a place to go, I'm thinking about using the money from this paycheck to maybe stay in a hostel for at least a couple weeks to clear my head. It's just really hard to let him go.

[Gemini54]

Look, I wouldn't panic too soon. It's only the first time you've seriously put your foot down about this, and he's testing you by talking about separation.

I wouldn't go projecting into the future just yet. You love him and have his welfare at heart - make this clear to him. But keep sleeping in the spare room.

Don't give up so quickly - he needs to feel the care that you have for him as well as the concern for his lifestyle.

Of course, if you wanted to be really mean you could make an anonymous call to the police - just joking.