[bluemark48]

Hi, my wife has left after 4 years of marriage and feel devastated.
She has been gone for 4 weeks now and I feel lost, on my own now in the house just full
Of painful feelings.
She claimed to have talked to an old boyfriend of 20 years ago, met him twice and that was enough for her leave, I am still in shock,Facebook has a lot to answer for.
Now I have to sell our house split our money, and that's enough to buy another home.
I am 48 and can imagine ending up in a 2 bedroom flat, might have 50k but sooner have my wife back.
At the moment life is hard, the pressure,sleepless nights not eating properly is doing my head in.
And to think she is happy in another mans arms

[stevetcg]

I understand your hurt and there is not a lot to be said that will make it better. Facebook cannot be blamed for this anymore than any other medium of communication including language itself. Stay strong and look for the positives...

[talaniman]

Handle your business (sell the house and get a divorce), celebrate getting that lying cheater out of your life, and rebuild.

Sorry for your loss, or your gain, depending on how you look at it.

[jmjoseph]

I know it's hard to realize now, but time will heal your pain. I'm the same age as you, so I can understand your not wanting to start over. If you can, write down on a piece of paper, all of the BAD things about her. Start with the Facebook cheating.This is very low down, so the list should be easy. Take this list and put it up wherever you need , the fridge, bathroom mirror,etc. Maybe that will make it a little more bearable. Concentrate on getting out, and getting on. I wish you the best.

[Jake2008]

One of the things that bother me the most, is how quickly people can flush 20 years down the toilet with the blink of an eye.

Think about the things she didn't do. She didn't remain faithful, she plotted and planned behind your back, leaving you to think everything was okay until the very end. She didn't complain or express a desire for marriage counselling to address any issues she had with you and her marriage, she didn't communicate very well or you would have had some clue what was going on with her.

To leave a partner under those circumstances is inexcuseable.

The others are right; the time that passes now will eventually not be so painful, and I really do feel your loss, it's terrible. You will come to terms with this because you have to face it, and you have to go on with your life. Allow yourself the luxury of writing out your thoughts in a diary, and when you start to wonder if you are to blame, or the cause of all of this, re-read what you've written. Create a history of recent events so that you can remind yourself when you need to, that it is the right thing to let her go, and move on.

Keep busy, get the business over with, and keep people in your life to help you through this- your parents, close friends. When you need to vent, vent, and keep letting all those thoughts and feelings out. Take time to reflect on what is important to you in this life, and when things settle down, ease into a new future where you can be happy, and live again.

You'll get your footing, and in the not too distant future, you'll be able to put this behind you.

Stay strong, and best of luck to you.

[Gemini54]

Sorry, I misread the post and thought that you'd been with her for 20 years.

I'm very sorry that you're having such a hard time - were there no signs that anything was wrong? The first months after such a shock are always awful and in your circumstances you must feel really betrayed.

Jake offers some great advice about reaching out to other people such as your family and friends for comfort and support. If you can, tell them how you feel and express your disappointment and rage. Try and involve yourself in other activities and get some exercise, if you are able.

Sadly the grief and pain you're going through need to be felt and it's a process we all experience after loss. Corny, but it's true that time is the greatest healer - it does get easier as time moves on.

Be gentle with yourself and try to laugh when you can.

[flayvur]

bluemark48 , people always think that the grass is going to be greener. That's really why she left but she'll get over there an realize that it isn't, and she'll probably try to come back. Now the question is will you let her. She can't be trusted from what she's shown you. It's normal to feel like your feeling when someone has betrayed or abandoned you. Now is the time for you to decide to move on with your life of stay in the pit your in. you don't have to stay there. The same way she came into your life someone else will. Take this time to reflect on you and what qualities you have to offer to another individual. Morn and get it out of your system, but move on. Also recognize that you can't control what people decide to do , you can only control your reaction to it. Forgive her so that your heart can be clean, and GOD can continue to bless you. If you don't you'll carry that into the next relationship that you have and it will effect things there in a negative way. Keep writing to us , stay strong, look at this as another chapter in your book. It totally depends on what you decide to write in it. Your friend, flayvur!!

[bluemark48]

bluemark48 , people always think that the grass is going to be greener. that's really why she left but she'll get over there an realize that it isn't, and she'll probably try to come back. Now the question is will you let her. She can't be trusted from what she's shown you. It's normal to feel like your feeling when someone has betrayed or abandoned you. now is the time for you to decide to move on with your life of stay in the pit your in. you dont have to stay there. the same way she came into your life someone else will. take this time to reflect on you and what qualities you have to offer to another individual. morn and get it out of your system, but move on. also recognize that you can't control what people decide to do , you can only control your reaction to it. forgive her so that your heart can be clean, and GOD can continue to bless you. If you dont you'll carry that into the next relationship that you have and it will effect things there in a negative way. keep writing to us , stay strong, look at this as another chapter in your book. It totally depends on what you decide to write in it. your friend, flayvur!!!

Thanks for the kind words.
It is difficult to accept that someone you love just ups and goes. She lives now at her mothers and is willing to give up our home and me,split the proceeds which is not enough to buy a new home for the sake of fling from the past, when a woman's head is turned they are blind to reality, I honestly could not believe it nor my friends and family.
Once again thanks for your kind words.

[bluemark48]

Sorry, I misread the post and thought that you'd been with her for 20 years.

I'm very sorry that you're having such a hard time - were there no signs that anything was wrong? The first months after such a shock are always awful and in your circumstances you must feel really betrayed.

Jake offers some great advice about reaching out to other people such as your family and friends for comfort and support. If you can, tell them how you feel and express your disappointment and rage. Try and involve yourself in other activities and get some exercise, if you are able.

Sadly the grief and pain you're going through need to be felt and it's a process we all experience after loss. Corny, but it's true that time is the greatest healer - it does get easier as time moves on.

Be gentle with yourself and try to laugh when you can.

I did not spot any signs, only after the event you realise she spent too much time on Facebook and texting was more frequent.
I thought we were happy but when an old flame from the past rears its ugly head, her head was turned, you then realise how insignificant you were and does not make sense.
Ty for your kind words.

[bluemark48]

One of the things that bother me the most, is how quickly people can flush 20 years down the toilet with the blink of an eye.

Think about the things she didn't do. She didn't remain faithful, she plotted and planned behind your back, leaving you to think everything was okay until the very end. She didn't complain or express a desire for marriage counselling to address any issues she had with you and her marriage, she didn't communicate very well or you would have had some clue what was going on with her.

To leave a partner under those circumstances is inexcuseable.

The others are right; the time that passes now will eventually not be so painful, and I really do feel your loss, it's terrible. You will come to terms with this because you have to face it, and you have to go on with your life. Allow yourself the luxury of writing out your thoughts in a diary, and when you start to wonder if you are to blame, or the cause of all of this, re-read what you've written. Create a history of recent events so that you can remind yourself when you need to, that it is the right thing to let her go, and move on.

Keep busy, get the business over with, and keep people in your life to help you through this- your parents, close friends. When you need to vent, vent, and keep letting all those thoughts and feelings out. Take time to reflect on what is important to you in this life, and when things settle down, ease into a new future where you can be happy, and live again.

You'll get your footing, and in the not too distant future, you'll be able to put this behind you.

Stay strong, and best of luck to you.

thanks for your thoughts
It is hard and thank god I have my 2 sons support there helping me get through it even though they are more angry than me.
What I find hardest is that my wife who I still love, don't no why, just gives up, there is no fight in her, she admits she is just totally selfish and can not help herslf
She has an 11 year old son, takes herself and him to her mothers and is willing to struggle starting again, just does not make sense but she could have not been totally happy.
Her family are as shocked as I am, total disbelief.
Thanks for comments

[I wish]

I'm going to go against the norm right now.

I think it's best that you stop reflecting on the past and focus on the future. You have 2 sons to worry about. They should be your focus. Allow yourself some time to heal from this experience before you reflect on it again.

I feel as though reflecting on it now might only make you angry and searching for ways to win her back. Furthermore, any updates that you get about her will only make you overanalyze all the little signs and details.

Focus on other things until you feel more at ease about yourself before worrying about the breakup. That way, you will be more objective when reflecting on it and more in control of your thoughts.

[bluemark48]

I'm going to go against the norm right now.

I think it's best that you stop reflecting on the past and focus on the future. You have 2 sons to worry about. They should be your focus. Allow yourself some time to heal from this experience before you reflect on it again.

I feel as though reflecting on it now might only make you angry and searching for ways to win her back. Furthermore, any updates that you get about her will only make you overanalyze all the little signs and details.

Focus on other things until you feel more at ease about yourself before worrying about the breakup. That way, you will be more objective when reflecting on it and more in control of your thoughts.

Thanks again, would like to say though my sons are 24 and 26 so they don't need looking after ,they have young babies themselves never the less they keep coming round, ty

[I wish]

Even better! You have grandchildren to go spoil! Congratulations!

Keep your head up! Things aren't as bad as they seem.

[AKeagle]

thanks for your thoughts
it is hard and thank god i have my 2 sons support there helping me get through it even though they are more angry than me.
what i find hardest is that my wife who i still love, dont no why, just gives up, there is no fight in her, she admits she is just totally selfish and can not help herslf
she has an 11 year old son, takes herself and him to her mothers

Wait, there are three sons?

Your two sons are 24 and 26, but you also have a 11 yr son that she took with her to her mothers?

[bluemark48]

wait, there are three sons?

your two sons are 24 and 26, but you also have a 11 yr son that she took with her to her mothers?

The 11 year old his her son,we had been together 7 years