[sharee1092]

Okay here is the deal, me and my boyfriend have been dating for a little over 2 years now... and a year and a half ago I sort of cheated on him. I say sort of because I was talking to the guy before hand and just continued to talk to him after me and my current boyfriend got together... but the guy lives half way across the country literally.. he was just a possibility from my home town. I told my current boyfriend about it and he was pissed, yet he didn't break up with me. I don't talk to the guy at all anymore, but my boyfriend won't forgive me and every time we have an argument he brings up that situation, and he doesn't trust me and doesn't have a problem with telling me that he doesn't trust me. So in our relationship I feel like I try so hard to keep us happy, like giving in to problems and trying to fix the things he has a problem with. But when it comes to him it's a completely different story, he doesn't try to make me happy if it means he won't be. I think that is selfish since I always do things and deal with things that I don't like for him, but he can't do the same for me. So last night I told him how I felt about the whole situation and all he said was "I'm sorry for being that way...i don't know what to do or say" and that was it... nothing else... should I be upset, Shu I try to make things better because we have barely talked since then, should I just let the relationship go.. I mean I really love him but I'm starting to feel like my feelings in this relationship doesn't mean anything to him.

[Jake2008]

You don't say how old each of you are, or whether you are living together or not.

It sounds like a lack of maturity, or insight, for your boyfriend not to accept that nothing happened with the fellow you kept in touch with, and no longer do.

It also sounds like a lack of maturity and insight, that he cannot express himself, or communicate very well when problems need to be addressed. That he cannot at least move a little out of his comfort zone is something that has to be dealt with, if this is going to reach some resolve.

If he is willing, couples counselling might be a good idea. It is so much easier to express yourself when there is a non-biased person asking questions, and digging for answers.

My feeling is that there is a lot of substance in what you have, and you love him dearly as you said. He may be just one of those people who has never learned to communicate in a deep and meaningful way. He may want to change, but he simply may not know how.

[s_cianci]

A relationship has to be a two-way street. Both parties need to make compromises and both need to be concerned about the other's well-being. Constantly bringing up past mistakes is a form of control and indicates a grudge-bearer. I won't say that your relationship is doomed but I'd think long and hard before going any further. My now-ex wife sounds a lot like your boyfriend ; always bringing up past wrongs instead of leaving them where they belong, which is in the past. And you already know how that story ended, inasmuch as I have to describe her as my ex-wife.

[Gemini54]

I'm concerned that he has problems letting go of something that was essentially nothing. I mean you talked to another guy who was a possibility in your life - so what? Now you feel like you're walking on egg shells the whole time to keep him happy and that's part of the problem, you're doing all the work.

I do agree with s_cianci, this is a subtle form of control. He may not even know that he's doing it, but I bet he knows that it keeps you on your toes and on the defensive.

So, change the dynamic. Next time he brings up the lack of trust issue, just quietly tell him that it's his problem not yours and let him know that he needs to deal with it because you won't be discussing it with him any more. Don't react or go on the defense, be firm and make it clear that the conversation is over. Leave the room if you have to.

Keep doing things for him, but don't smooth over the problems any more. Just let him deal with them, and if they don't get dealt with, so be it, they are not your responsibility. Try to pull back from being the 'fixer' in your relationship - if you keep being the fixer then you don't give him the opportunity to contribute or to step up to the mark.

It may take a while, but this will either shift the dynamic (and it may make it worse temporarily), or you may decide that it's not worth the lack of reciprocity and move on.

[talaniman]

When communications break down, back away for a while, until you can express yourself, and your feelings, and are able to listen.

He is telling you that he doesn't know what you want him to do, so tell him. This is the chance to stand up for yourself, instead of just being frustrated.

[I wish]

No trust = no relationship

You broke his trust and furthermore, the two of you have a huge communication breakdown. If you can't repair the damage, then the relationship is over.

If he has trouble forgiving and forgetting for a relatively small issue, how can you expect him to handle more serious issues?