[MessedUpSpiral]

I really don't know where to start, but here is a brief history. I have been alcoholic for half of my 41 years. Amazingly, I didn't have any real health issues until recently. I had failed relationships in the past, but the last I thought that I found someone that would love me even though I was suffering addiction. She was a cronic weed smoker and I only complained about that when she told me to slow down drinking or to stop. We had a rocky past I guess now that I think back, but there was always love. I, like so many people could not find work for quit some time. We were living off her income alone. I felt bad for getting beer with that money, but she never seemed to mind. I always got her weed It seemed like we traded off.

We were together for 7 1/2 years. Up until 4 months ago anyway. Middle of March is when all hell broke loose. She left me late March of '09. Prior to her leaving, she had gotten pregnant. I had lost my place to live with my pet that I had for so many years. I had no income living on the streets and had to give my dog away, who was later put to sleep. I lost everything. Girl, Dog, House, Money Everything. When she left she told me she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. I had so many emothions going though my head Im surprised I didn't get the jacket. I drank to forget, as soon as I woke up, thought of suicide on a regular basis, could not stand the way I let life go. Ashamed at myself but still mad that others "turned on Me".

I got sober for a 9 day stint while a friend took me in. I wanted to prove to her I was still worthy of being with her. Well, she told me she loved me on Easter and I was excited that we could move forward and maybe try again sober and start a faimily. She wanted to see me the next day and I was happy. Well she met me that day to tell me she had an abortion. I was sad, but understanding to her feelings. We were supposed to hang out that whole day, but she had other plans and only stayed for 30 minutes. The abortion and her refusal to reconcile lead me off the wagon to self medicate again. Now my friend comes home and Im on my ed up and he kicks me out. Great.

Im back on the streets and drinking with the rest of the homless guys in the alley. What a catch I am huh. They all went thought similar things that I did just not in a 2 week period. They joke about me having my own reality show. My family is trying to find me to see if I am still sane. I dodge there every move and avoid them. I go to the library and check my email, there is a letter from my ex ing at me for not letting anyone help me. She told me to do what I need to do and get ahold of her in a coulple of weeks. Well that was 2 months ago.

I have been sober now 47 days living 1200 miles away from her and my old town. I think about her everyday for hours, wondering what to say to her. I was really hoping she would try to contact me to see how I am doing, but that seems unlikely at this point. Should I still contact her? What shall I say?

I am fearful that if I talk to her I may slip into my old ways because I didn't hear anything positive. I also fearful that If I don't try I will slip into my old ways for not trying. Addiction is lingering and trying to suck me back in. What the should I do?

[s_cianci]

I wouldn't try to contact her. You're 1200 miles away so it isn't practical anyhow. And personally I believe that if you really want to beat this addiction then you need to dissociate yourself from your past life as much as possible. Being in the company of someone who regularly smokes weed isn't going to help you battle your own chemical dependency. In fact you should be seeking out friends who don't use any intoxicants whatsoever ; alcohol, tobacco, weed, nothing.

[rockie100]

You should go to a meeting and talk to your sponsor. Maybe I'm wrong but most alcoholics would know what I'm talking about. Things will get clearer and you will get stronger as long as you stay sober. Stay in the moment.

[simoneaugie]

Contacting her, trying again may seem like the natural thing to do. Drinking is the natural thing to do too. Drunk is our natural state (alcoholics.) Drinking and hanging onto relationships that help us drink, yeah, "normal." NOT!

If you plan to stay sober, it's going to feel "unnatural" for a while. Build a base of sober friends where you are. Tell your sponsor how you feel. Talk about the situation in meetings. When there's no one around, heck, bugs listen well. The point being that even if you sound like a broken record, don't keep your feelings a secret.

Secrets, like shame, have a way of blindsiding us when we least expect it. When you've been sober for a couple of years (sounds like a long time, I know) talking to her will be much safer for you.

It may seem like inteminable waiting but, do it. Remember the saying, "everything I put before my sobriety, I will lose."

[MessedUpSpiral]

Threads merged

What would you do in this situation? I have been NC with my ex for over 4 months now, and she has been NC with me for 5. I have a very long sad pathetic story about the breakup and loss of everything besides a few material belongings. I wish I was able to say I am over the breakup, but I am not. Every time I take 2 steps forward, something sets me off and I end up where I started. For instance:

If you need details, please ask there are plenty of them and I don't want to skip anything that might assist you in helping me. I had to leave my home rather abruptly back in April, I needed a place to go and asked one of the few friends I have if I could stay with him while I worked on myself. He agreed but wasn't really excited about the idea. I moved some of my belongings to his place because I thought I might be there for awhile. The whole time I was there it was like we were no longer buddies at all. I figured he felt weird because I stopped drinking and he had a few beers at night. I started to go to support groups at night really just to make him not be uncomfortable and to give him his privacy & so on. I did what I could to help him around his house, cleaning, repairs, etc. I tried to make it worth it to him to be helping me out.

He was fully aware that in the span of 2 weeks I lost my home, my fiancé, long time pet, etc. He didn't seem to care and told me that It wasn't working out and I should spend my days outside and call him at night to see if I could sleep inside. What was I a dog? I really felt like one after that. I called him a few nights and he ignored my calls. OK, maybe he had company staying over or something... I understood. Then he calls me to tell me about a shelter that I could sleep at. Thanks a lot buddy. Well I stayed in the shelters for some time but that is for another board. I didn't talk to him for 2 months. Once I started staying at a stable environment I started to talk to him via IM. That led to phone calls and I wanted to keep open communication with him because like I said I have very few friends and not to mention he had a lot of my belongings at his place.

So when I thought our friendship was back I asked him to send me my stuff and he danced around the question avoiding it all together. We stayed in touch via IM during the day while working and then last night I noticed he was on so I said hello. He told me he was getting ready to go out and that my ex was over there making a few dollars cleaning his flat. I was blown away, for the months we have been talking we never talked about her at all. She cleaned his place while we were together but thought that was only because we were together, a perk if you will. I called him pretty PO'd and asked him what was up with that and he told me to stop being jealous, and so on. I don't think it is jealousy at all really. I don't know what to think right now, thoughts of her going through all my stuff that is still there and wondering if she had anything to do with him not wanting me there and all kinds of different scenarios. I hate this, she is in contact with my family, my friends and not me. Why should I have to give up everything in order to heal, it is not fair. I hate feeling like a huge conspiracy formed around me and that those I trusted were at ground zero of the whole thing.

I just don't know what to do or think. It seems like Im going to have to cut ties with him, but I want my stuff back. He said he was going to call me back yesterday and never did. I want to call him to give him a piece of my mind, but will hold off until I hear some outside advice.

Any ideas how to handle this?

[amicon]

You need to find somewhere decent to live and make arrangements to go and pick your stuff up-maybe get someone to come with you. As for the bs your ex seems to be instigating-ignore it.good luck.

[talaniman]

You wouldn't be in this situation if you had not tried to solve your problems in a bottle.

I strongly suggest you stay with your support group, get a sponsor, and learn to live responsibly.

Everything you have lost is no one else's fault, but your own, and by dealing with your issues, you can get them back, and more, and keep them.

One step at a time, so start with getting the help you need.

You can get nothing in life until you get yourself, thats your most valuable possession.

[paxe]

You need to take care of yourself and it seems there is a lot of work to do here. Cut contact to him and to your ex, there is nothing good to come up with that. Taking care of yourself is your first priority and getting over your addiction also. It's very hard as alcohol is a very strong drug but it is very feasible. One day at a time, you will rebuild you life, it may take time but set yourself a goal and you are going to get better everyday.

[MessedUpSpiral]

You wouldn't be in this situation if you had not tried to solve your problems in a bottle. I know, I'm a work in progress.

I strongly suggest you stay with your support group, get a sponsor, and learn to live responsibly. I'm doing so one day, sometimes hours at a time.

Everything you have lost is no one else's fault, but your own, and by dealing with your issues, you can get them back, and more, and keep them. I have accepted this awhile ago. You should let the pro's handle the addiction questions. You mean well but, you are not ready for them. You're constant "tough love" approach and reminders of all the loss and built up guilt addicts feel has a lot to do with what triggers usage in the first place.

One step at a time, so start with getting the help you need. Thank you, I have and will remain doing so.
You can get nothing in life until you get yourself, thats your most valuable possession.

Now that this old topic of mine is merged, I may not get the advice I was seeking. I used the advice originally given and it helped me a lot. I remained NC, and did what I needed to for drinking. Now my current situation will most likely be lost due to the merge. This just adds to the frustration. Thank you.

[paxe]

Now that this old topic of mine is merged, I may not get the advice I was seeking. I used the advice originally given and it helped me a lot. I remained NC, and did what I needed to for drinking. Now my current situation will most likely be lost due to the merge. This just adds to the frustration. Thank you.

Create a new thread and specify you don't want to get merged with old topics. Merging can be quite confusing.

[talaniman]

I am more interested in the advice you need, not the advice you want! Your welcome.

Now my current situation will most likely be lost due to the merge.

To us who have been there, the facts will not be lost, nor ignored, trust me.

[MessedUpSpiral]

So what is the best way to handle my friend that had my ex cleaning his flat yesterday? How do I approach him about getting my $1000+ worth of "Stuff" I thought he would be nice and just hold it or send it back.

And here is a flaw with the "merge" option. On page 2 of this thread it does not even show the current problem I'm dealing with. Advice

[talaniman]

MessedUpSpiral; So what is the best way to handle my friend that had my ex cleaning his flat yesterday? How do I approach him about getting my $1000+ worth of "Stuff" I thought he would be nice and just hold it or send it back.

First you need to have a place to put your $1000 worth of stuff, then the means to get it. That's where I would start, as a shelter is not a permanent solution.

And here is a flaw with the "merge" option. On page 2 of this thread it does not even show the current problem I'm dealing with. Advice?

As the thread progresses, and your feedback is developed, then you will notice that the current question you asked is being addressed. Most people don't go back to the beginning, they resume with the last response. You will noticed you have an option of which page to start with when you access the thread.