[tylerD67]

I have an 18 year old daughter who has me at wits end and her behavior is effecting my relationship with my fiancé. Just to give some background, my daughter's mother did not tell me about her pregnancy. My daughter is Bi racial and only after her constantly asking who her father was did her mother finnally call me and ask if I wanted to be apart of my daughters life. At the time my duaghter was 6 years old. Since that time I have tried as best I could to involve myself with my duaghter, she stayed at my house during the summer months and alternated holidays for the last 13 years. During this time I noticed that my daughter seemed to lack empathy for others, over the years I have seen her go through "Best Friends" like changing her socks. I tried speaking with her sending her to counciling but the behavior never changed. Don't get me wrong she was a good kid growing up, but when she hit teenage years she just got worse and more self centered and materialistic. I stopped giving her anything extra (around 14) and only give her things she needs for school, because all she wants to do is shop (Her mother goes shoping like it's a hobby) and the only time me or my parents hear from her on constant basis is when she needs something. I hoped she would mature and grow out of it, I tried talking to her about it but she just ignores me. On the surface everything looks fine, she gets great grades, does not get into trouble and earned an academic scholorship to colllege. This weekend I was moving her into the dorms at college, paid for her room and board. My fiancé came with me. My daughter seems to like my fiancé a lot even inviting her to her H.S. graduation. On the second day my daughter calls me up screaming on the phone that I have to take her shoping she needs $100 worth of make up and school supplies, because her mom had aleready taken her shopping. I did not cave in and gave her nothing. My Fiancé overheard her screaming on the phone and became upset, when I asked her what the problem was, she told me she felt my daughter did not appreciate anything she gets from me or her mother. My fiancé does not want me to give anything to my daughter because she feels my daughter is using me as an open check book. After thinking about it I have to admit I think my fiancé is right, my daughter is only about what she can get from people and does not give anything in return, not a thank you, nothing. Now my fiancé is pushing me to cut my daughter loose and let her figure out how to pay her college bills by herself but I am torn, although I agree my daughter feels entitled I do feel a responsibility to at least help her with college bills like my parents did for me. So my question is would I be wrong to listen to my fiancé and cut my daughter off financially and wait and see if my daughter comes around and becomes a human being again?

[N0help4u]

Your fiancé is only partically right but she had her say and now she needs to keep out of it.

I agree you should not give her money any time she wants some, especially when she is demanding and acting hysterical.
BUT it seems you made a commitment, you are her father, etc, etc, so I think your fiancé is wrong for pushing you to cut her loose and not pay for her schooling.

So far you are doing the right thing but cutting her off is not the answer and will only push your daughter into resentment.

Continue putting your foot down with other things like not handing her money because she expects it.

My one daughter was sort of the same way and she really didn't start outgrowing it until she got on her own and had to pay her own rent and utilities. It may take your daughter a few more years but stick in there and don't turn on her eventually she may come around.

[Gemini54]

It's not your fiancee's decision about what money your daughter should have or not, it's between you and your daughter. Yes, your daughter may treat you like an open cheque book, but that is partly the nature of being a non custodial parent.

Your daughter is certainly not going to become a responsible human being if you cut off your financial support, she is likely to be more responsible if you continue to treat her with love and support. You have already set limits with her, continue to do so.

I agree that she sounds like a princess, but your fiancée needs to butt out - essentially it's none of her business. I speak from experience, my husband has a daughter that sounds just like yours - I have learnt to keep my mouth zipped. It's between them.

[zippit]

You would need to aproach this with care to the fiancée explaining to her that you have already done this for your daughter and to pull out now would be wrong also that in the future you would consult her about financial situations regarding your daughter but I would tell her that its not her place to try to push you in any direction.. its a tough situation you want her advise and her involvement and you want her and your daughter to have a relationship but it sounds like they are already pulling both sides of you one wants more the other wants you to give less if you don't balance that out it can only get worse