[justrena911]

I have been married for 3 years I am 24 and my husband is 27. We fight all the time and have separated twice... I always come back. In Oct of last year we were on the verge of losing everything our house our cars we filed for bankruptcy and things got worse. I slept with someone close to me and now have feelings for him. I also had a little girl in June, she is not my husbands he does not know that she is not his. You see we have a 2 year old and in 2005 we lost our little girl she was stillborn. I couldn't bear to tell my husband that she is not his. The thing is the other guy knows and he has been great about the whole thing. I'm at a crossroad with this do I stay with my husband or do I leave to be with the other guy. I have feelings for him but its so hard to decide when there are children involved. I don't want to hurt my son and daughter but I can't live like this. DH sleeps on the couch we never spend time together and it has been this way for about a year. PLEASE HELP... I don't know what to do

[pluckyflamingo]

If you are sleeping with another man you divorce your husband. You are making things worse for your kids and husband by being irresponsible. Do you seriously hear yourself? You sound miserable do you really want your kids to be in an environment were there parents are unhappy and fighting all the time. That should not be a life your children should see. Plus how do you think the children will feel when they grow up and find out that you were cheating on their daddy. It is better to divorce and then get a boyfriend not the other way around. Do it now before you make matters worse.

[justrena911]

My biggest fear is hurting my husband. Do you know what its like to lose a child. My daughter was a blessing and I know it would crush my husband to find out she is not his... I want to leave I really do and I think deep down he knows that. I just don't want to hurt my kids. Thank you for your advice I know how miserable I sound because I am that miserable. I would do anything for my kids even if that meant putting on a fake smile just so they are happy

[Alty]

I have been married for 3 years i am 24 and my husband is 27. we fight all the time and have seperated twice... i always come back. in oct of last year we were on the verge of losing everything our house our cars we filed for bankruptcy and things got worse. I slept with someone close to me and now have feelings for him. i also had a little girl in june, she is not my husbands he does not know that she is not his. u see we have a 2 year old and in 2005 we lost our lil girl she was stillborn. I couldnt bear to tell my husband that she is not his. The thing is the other guy knows and he has been great about the whole thing. im at a crossroad with this do i stay with my husband or do i leave to be with the other guy. i have feelings for him but its so hard to decide when there are children involved. i dont want to hurt my son and daughter but i can't live like this. DH sleeps on the couch we never spend time together and it has been this way for about a year. PLEASE HELP.... i dont know what to do

Wow!

Poor you (sarcasm)

Of course your marriage isn't working, you're sleeping with another man, had that mans child, are keeping that fact from your husband, etc. etc. etc.

Marriage takes work, you're not putting any work into it.

Leave, that's what you want.

Don't you dare ask him to support the child that isn't his. The bio father should be paying for that.

[Justwantfair]

There are children involved, even more reason for you to be making healthy choices and keeping your children in healthy and honest environments.
There are some horrible mistakes you have made in this marriage and you are continuing to compound them.
Start making some right and smart choices.
A right and smart choice won't involve running into another man's arms.
It will involve learning to stand on your own two feet and doing some soul searching.

[pluckyflamingo]

Kids can see past the fake smiles. Trust me I am from a family like that. Trying to figure out why daddy sleeps on the couch, why mommy and daddy don't show affection. You make things worse by not showing affection, but just staying together. Because you are not teaching your child how to be those things you should be doing when you are married. You are going to be teaching you child bad habits and telling him its okay to to act this way in a relationship. I may not have lost a child and I think all children blessings. I leave the decision up to you if you want to tell your husband or not. But I am just saying stop your fling until things end with the husband. You can't have best of both worlds.

[justrena911]

There are deeper reasons behind why I did what I did.. and why I left the first few times.. I'm not looking for someone to feel sorry for me I know what I did was wrong and I know 2 wrongs don't make a right I just don't know how to tell him what has happened. I guess that's the advice I was looking for.

[pluckyflamingo]

There is no easy way of saying what you need to say. But I highly suggest not making excuses for yourself and stop trying to be sneaky. The sooner the better

[Justwantfair]

We can't tell you how to break the news to him.
He is going to be devastated.
But it's your obligation to try some honesty for a change.
It will be difficult, but it is necessary.

[Alty]

there are deeper reasons behind why i did what i did.. and why i left the first few times.. im not looking for someone to feel sorry for me i know what i did was wrong and i know 2 wrongs dont make a right i just dont know how to tell him what has happened. i guess thats the advice i was looking for.

It won't be easy, no matter how you go about it. The question is, are you sure that leaving is the answer, or are you only considering it because of the affair and the child that isn't his?

You lost a child, I can't imagine how hard that would be. No, it's not an excuse, no, it's not easily forgiven, but something tells me that if the two of you actually talked about it, comforted each other, you could get through this.

Why not try?

What do you have to lose?

[justrena911]

I'm not sleeping with the guy.. I only said I have feelings for him... im just scared to hurt my husband he will be crushed when he finds out she is not his... I know that I have to do it.. I made my bed now I must lay in it

[justrena911]

I don't know if leaving is the right answer.. and I don't know that he will want to work things out... I don't what is going to hurt more finding out she is not his or the fact that I cheated... I just wish I had the strength to do what is right..

[Alty]

i dont know if leaving is the right answer..and i dont know that he will want to work things out... i dont what is going to hurt more finding out she is not his or the fact that i cheated...i just wish i had the strength to do what is right..

You do have the strength. You survived the loss of a child, if you had the strength to do that, then you can do this.

Don't assume to know how he'll react. He may feel just as lost as you. He may be more understanding then you think. If not, well, that's something you'll have to live through, because he has the right to know.

The only way to find out what will happen is to do what you have to do.

We'll be here if you need to talk.

[justrena911]

Thank you all for your advice. I am going to speak with him tonight. I know its going to be hard but I have to be fair to him. He is a good man and deserves to know the truth.

[Alty]

thank you all for your advice. I am going to speak with him tonight. i know its going to be hard but i have to be fair to him. he is a good man and deserves to know the truth.

Make sure you tell him that you think he's a good man.

This is going to be hard. Just stay calm, be honest, tell him that you're sorry. Let him be angry, he deserves to feel that. Let him absorb what you're telling him. Don't let his words affect you too much, much of what he says will probably be in anger and shock.

The main thing is to get it all out. Maybe write it down so you don't forget anything.

I wish you the best.

[MsMewiththat]

Whoa... I hate that I missed this one.

1. How do you know for sure that he is not the father of your child?

2. If your answer is that you didn't sleep together so how could it be, don't you think he knows that too?

All that is needed here is some honesty. Not to say that it will fix it, but you have to acknowledge the purple elephant on the ceiling.

[justrena911]

Well it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, he is angry but revealed to me a few things I didn't know. We have decided to take some time apart. He didn't yell or curse he simply said I wasn't the same woman he fell in love with because she would never do that to him. I agree, Im not the same woman. He proceeded to tell me he know something was going on seeing as we had not slept together since Sept. but he didn't want to believe that she was not his. I told him about the other guy and that I only recently contacted him, he would like to meet him and thinks that we all three need to sit down and figure this out. I don't know what's going to happen, he was not here when I got up this morning and a few of his clothes are gone. I guess we need to take it one day at a time from here on out. Thank you all again for your advice

[Alty]

well it wasnt as bad as I thought it would be, he is angry but revealed to me a few things I didnt know. We have decided to take some time apart. He didnt yell or curse he simply said I wasnt the same woman he fell in love with because she would never do that to him. I agree, Im not the same woman. He proceeded to tell me he know something was going on seeing as we had not slept together since Sept. but he didnt want to believe that she was not his. I told him about the other guy and that I only recently contacted him, he would like to meet him and thinks that we all three need to sit down and figure this out. I dont know whats going to happen, he was not here when i got up this morning and a few of his clothes are gone. I guess we need to take it one day at a time from here on out. Thank you all agian for your advice

Give him time, don't give up.

Did you two talk about couples therapy? I think this would be a good move. You both need help in dealing with this.

Keep us posted.

[CAD DUDE]

How would you feel if the table was turned and he slept around, and the girl got pregnant. Money problems, bankruptsy are small issues compared to the big picture. The older your child gets the more she's bound to despise you when the truth finally comes out. You'll end up losing her and your husband. You need to come clean, tell the truth and deal with the consequences. You're a big girl now start owning up to your resposibilities...

Sorry

[CAD DUDE]

Sorry. I should have kept reading. I didn't see that you told him.. Good for you. If he truly loves you things will work out..