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carissamj07 · Aug 11, 2009, 06:08 PM

I'm dating a guy with a son... my bfs' son's mom is still in the picture but she's not a very good mom and my boyfriend has his son a lot of the time which is frustraiting.. its been hard for me to build a really good relationship with his son because he doesn't listen very well to my boyfriend and he's loud and obnoxious and doesn't really listen to me all that well unless I'm watching him by myself... then he listens to me... but my boyfriend is never romantic and I don't get much time with him and I'm used to super romantic bf's and having all the time I could ever want with them... but I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world I just feel crappy some days when I just want to be cuddly with him and he doesn't because his son is here... I knew he had a son when we started dating... but this is so hard especially with mom still in the picture I feel like I don't have a place and I don't get any romance when I do a lot for his son... I babysit his sone when he has to leave and I pay for half the roof over his head and I play videogames with him even though I hate video games and I'm trying to make a relationship with him it just makes it even harder when my boyfriend isn't romantic... dating someone with a kid is a hard place to be.. acception that you will always be second is a hard thing to accept... what could make this easier??

Alty · Aug 11, 2009, 06:13 PM

Nothing will make it easier, you either find a way to accept this or you leave.

His son will be there forever, so will the mother, they have a child together, they will have to communicate and be a part of eachother's lives forever.

He's being a good dad, and that's more important then being a good boyfriend.

simoneaugie · Aug 11, 2009, 06:30 PM

And the wages of sex is children.

Children and romantic relationships just don't go together. That's my experience. If the two of you are able to plan for special times just for the relationship, it can work. But kids will always come first whether they're his or yours or belonging to you both.

Don't play video games with him if you hate them! Does he know that you hate them? Does he clearly understand that you want more romance in the relationship? Have you talked to him about diciplining his son as a team? If the little boy is spending time in your space then some basic rules need to be set and followed. He must listen to you and his daddy. You guys are the adults.

If you are misleading your boyfriend and not telling him the whole story, you're cheating yourself. Don't sit and fume in a state of resentment. Talk to him about it. Decide on some rules that the three of you can all follow. Respect and caring starts with you. Respect yourself, first.

BrownEyesBlue · Aug 12, 2009, 11:59 AM

I am also dating a man that has two children. My two children are adults now however when we started dating, his children were 5 and 7 (last year). My BF brought me around the children in small doses so that I could respect their time with their dad, and they knew first and foremost, he was their father and just because I was in the picture, they wouldn't "lose" their daddy.

Don't think of yourself as "second" in this relationship. With that mentality, you will lose in the end. If you continue the way you are (ie playing video games you hate, unaccepting of the boy's behavior), you may end up having a lot of built up resentment, and the relationship will definitely fail.

Talk to your BF and let him know how you are feeling. Tell him that you really wish you could go on romantic dates and have alone time with him, although you also enjoy the time with his son.

The BF will always have the ex in his life, they have a child together. Unless you change your attitude and outlook to a positive one, you will be miserable and lose this relationship.

You are going to have to make a lot of adjustments to make this relationship work. It sounds like you have the love in your heart for this man and possibly his child, so that is a good start.

One of the best times that my BF and I have is snuggling on the couch together after the kids are in bed, and watching TV or when we go to bed, we do not have a TV in our bedroom, and we have THE best talks at night. After the kids are in bed, that is "our" time.

talaniman · Aug 12, 2009, 12:20 PM

You both have to make some adjustments, through some very honest, and calm communications, with each other. Its not always about the romance you know, and he is trying to do his best to be a good father. You have to accept that about him, and all that comes with him.

I wish · Aug 12, 2009, 04:22 PM

He comes in a package. He's not flying solo. His child will, most of the time, come first. Furthermore, the mother of the child will always be in the picture because they are forever connected.

If you can't handle these aspects and work around it, then maybe he's not the type of guy for you (type as in having a child already). There's no magic solution. The child will take up much of his time and both of you will just have to work that much harder to make the relationship work.

Rose760 · Oct 10, 2011, 01:15 PM

Hey there... honestly I'm going through a very similar experience. My boyfriend has a son that is 7 and I completely understand what your going through. My boyfriend has 50 50 coustody with his baby's mom and he is with his son a lot. When his son is around he is not so cuddly with me either and when his son is there sometimes he will sleep in his sons bed. Its really hard to take on the role of a step parent figure, but to answer your question you will never be #1 in his life , his son will ALWAYS come before you. Ive often told my boyfriend that he can't exclude me from the picture I have to be included too. His baby's mom will always be around you can either take it of leave it. Like you his son acts up when my boyfriend is around but when its only me and the little one he behaves much better but I think that's because he know he can get aways more with his dad thank you. It's a hard job because your thrown into this instant family, just know that your doing the best that you can and if its gets over whelming don't beat yourself up about... you got to weigh your pros and cons and if its gets too overwleming maybe its not worth it (thats what I'm feeling right now so I got you girly)