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ImaGuy · Aug 9, 2009, 07:00 PM

I need some advice. Please do not give the standard "Move On" advice.

My GF broke up with me last Tuesday and I want to recover the relationship.

We broke up the Tuesday before that. The reason she stated was that she didn't have the feelings that she thought she should. The week before that I told her that I loved her and I think I spooked her. She became distant after that and then she broke up with me.

Here are some other details that I feel are important to the situation;

We had being going out for 6 1/2 months.

She initiated daily contact throughout the Relationship

She was always cuddly and affectionate

We had a very good physical relationship

3-4 weeks before the break up she went on vacation with her mother and father but called me daily. When she returned, she brought me back an expensive & thoughtful gift for my B-Day.

She also encouraged her kids to be close to me. She had them make me B-day cards. (She is very good mother and would not do this if she was having doubts.) She would also suggest to them that they give me hugs. She could also see that one of her kids was getting close to me and made no effort to stop that. She would say things to her like "are you with your (my name)"

In the weeks before the break up she has been very stressed by work. She was complaining on a daily basis that she was stressed, missing deadlines and exhausted.

A couple of days after I told her that I loved her she said she was feeling overwhelmed.

The day after that I was with her and her kids and she had to prepare for the next day so I suggested I leave with my kids. She said I shouldn't leave. I should let the kids play and I should keep her company while she got ready. If she was having doubts would she not have agreed that I should leave?

During the break up conversation, she said that she felt like she was being pulled in a million directions and had everyday planned out and had no time to be by herself. She also said a few times that she wasn't sure. She also said that she felt like she was going to be sick. She went on to say that she didn't understand it because I did everything that she likes and everything right. (her words)

I think there is more here than what she is saying. I think her actions are speaking louder than her words. I have a feeling that I spooked her by telling her that I love her. I also think that she is very stressed out.

However, I'm not sure what to do next. I really like her and I don't want to make the mistakes I have made in the past. At this point I have not spoken to her since the breakup. I have gone no contact with her and I am trying to give her some space. (It's hard to do) My question is how long should I do that for? I've done some searching on the internet and everything seems to be about getting back together after a big fight. I don't think that information applies. It's not like I can say sorry for saying I Love You.

Some suggestions would be helpful please. (As I said before, I'm not looking for give up and move on)

amicon · Aug 9, 2009, 08:55 PM

Stay as you are is my advice.

Loi13 · Aug 10, 2009, 04:26 AM

Has she said anything like, "I want space" or anything to that effect?
If not, I think you should email/text her. You don't want to give her the idea that you no longer want to be friends with her. It sounds as though you guys had a healthy and close relationship, so the communication should build up after that.
I'm not sure about getting back together with her. I would suggest (if you haven't already) telling her you are still open to a relationship with her. Hopefully, she will reciprocate. If not, why damage a good friendship?
You both sound like kind honest people, and I wish you the best of luck in life.

talaniman · Aug 10, 2009, 05:50 AM

You give her space until she says she has had enough, and isn't stressed, confused, or overwhelmed.

She will let you know when this happens, and make a decision for herself.

You just have to live your own life, and let her make that decision on her own, without your influence.

ImaGuy · Aug 10, 2009, 06:38 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You give her space until she says she has had enough, and isn't stressed, confused, or overwhelmed.

She will let you know when this happens, and make a decision for herself.

You just have to live your own life, and let her make that decision on her own, without your influence.

Should I communicate with her at all? I was thinking of sending her a simple email just saying something like "How are you? I haven't heard from you in a while."

We talked every day for 6 1/2 months. I'm afraid of giving her the idea that I don't want to see her or talk to her again.

amicon · Aug 10, 2009, 06:53 AM

If its NC you re doing you really shouldn't. Let her get in touch when she s ready to talk.

I wish · Aug 10, 2009, 07:47 AM

Sounds like you had a good thing going on that lasted for over 6 months. There's no much you could do more at this point to make her feel differently about you. She asked for space, so respect her wishes. Contacting her would be disrespecting her wishes. Prove to her that you respect her by leaving her alone.

It's best if you leave her alone for a while for her to sort out her problems on her own. Once she figures out her issues, she will find out. Until then, you need to continue to live your life.

You said that you didn't want to make the same mistakes again. Well, then spend this time working on yourself.

I don't think that there was anything wrong with you telling her that you love her. Now she knows how you really feel about her. So when she's ready, she will come find you.

talaniman · Aug 10, 2009, 11:21 AM

We talked every day for 6 1/2 months. I'm afraid of giving her the idea that I don't want to see her or talk to her again.

You don't want to disrespect her request either. And you don't want to be in the friends zone either, do you?

What you had is over, and for anything else to start, she has to want it to, as you do now. If she doesn't, there is little you can do to change a persons mind, except give them reasons to confirm the reason she wanted space in the first place.

dipti jain · Aug 10, 2009, 11:42 AM

Hi,

I feel there is no harm in keeping in touch. But, you should take care, she must not feel that, you are forcing her into a relationship.

Only be her friend and assure her that, you are there, when ever she need you. It mean so much for a woman specially with kids.

Let her realize herself that she love you. Be kind to her. Don't say by words but make her

Realize that, "her no" won't affect your friendship.

ImaGuy · Aug 10, 2009, 12:24 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You don't want to disrespect her request either. And you don't want to be in the friends zone either, do you?

What you had is over, and for anything else to start, she has to want it to, as you do now. If she doesn't, there is little you can do to change a persons mind, except give them reasons to confirm the reason she wanted space in the first place.

The friends zone is a little different here. We have been friends for more than 15 years. We went to high school together and there was an attraction at that point but for unrelated reasons we never came together. However, we were friends.

After high school, we lost contact for around 10 years. She got married and had 2 kids, I got married and had 2 kids. Both our marriages failed and a year or so later, we ended up running in to each other. One thing led to another and we ended up going out. Now here we are 6 1/2 months later.

Even when she broke up with me, she said It's not like I hate you, We've been friends for a long time.

dipti jain · Aug 11, 2009, 02:03 AM

If you are friends for that long period then there is only one thing that, she is not sure about her feelings for you.

Let her be sure. She might be thinking that is she get in a stable relation with you and it will not work then kids might suffer. So be her friend.

ImaGuy · Aug 11, 2009, 06:28 AM

Originally Posted by dipti jain

If you are friends for that long period then there is only one thing that, she is not sure about her feelings for you.

Let her be sure. She might be thinking that is she get in a stable relation with you and it will not work then kids might suffer. So be her friend.

I really do feel that something is there. I think I scared her or came on to strong when she wasn't ready. I also think that her stress level has something to do with it.

I am prepared to give her some time to work it out. However, patience is my problem. I want it now! I know I have to give her some time though.

I have been fighting the urge to break the ice and see what happens. I want to send her a quick email and say "I haven't heard from you in a bit, I hope everything is ok" I'm not sure if I should or not. I know a guy that went out with her once. We got talking about it at one point and I told her that he was pretty crushed when they broke up. Her reply was that he never contacted her or tried to get back together. I wonder if that is a reason that I should at least say something.

On the other hand, she did say she was very stressed and that she feels pulled in a million directions and has almost no time to herself. Plus is has only been a week.

talaniman · Aug 11, 2009, 08:51 AM

The hardest part of giving someone the space they asked for is, the waiting to be told how they feel about you. Understandable. Our own feelings are what makes us impatient.

Don't give in, get out and do your thang rather than dwell on when, and what if.

Time flies when YOUR having fun, that is if you have your own thang to do, without them.

dipti jain · Aug 11, 2009, 10:54 PM

Of course you should mail her. I think this is the best thing to do. Because with this

1) She will come to know that you care about her more, than having relationship with her.

2) you will be in touch with her and she will get a chance, if she want to come together again.

3) Being in touch with her you will always get an idea of how she feels for you.

Remember don't push her in a relationship. I feel you love her very much. So let the love find its way.

friend4u178 · Aug 11, 2009, 11:23 PM

This is not a decision she made overnight so she has thought hard and long about this and her mind is made up for the moment. You can go over and over the things she did that made you think you knew what her feelings were , but the reality is her Action of leaving speaks a lot more than the so called words you believed.

The more you try to contact her at the moment the more likely that it will just push her away further. She knows you Love her because you told her , no need to reinforce in an email what may be one of the reasons she made her decision to leave.

As most of the others have said you really just need to give her what she asked for and that is a bit of space and let her sort herself out. Not easy I know but that's the best thing to do.

Good Luck!

jlove09 · Aug 12, 2009, 06:02 AM

Don't email her. Give her a quick call. Just cause she said no or wants to break up, doesn't mean you should leave her be. Keep trying. Don't become passion less like half of the world, who gives a damn more about their dignity and pride more than love. No wonder there are so much divorces these days cause people stopped trying.

Take her out for a quick lunch or something. Just be there for her

dipti jain · Aug 12, 2009, 06:39 AM

You never know what's on a girls mind. Girls thinks differently from guys. I am in favor of a quick mail. At least she will know that you are still her friend. No matter whether she wants to be with you or not. A girl always like to be known that there is someone who care for her.

Regarding a call or a mail ? Even few written words can do magic if there are real feeling.

A mail just saying "I haven't heard from you in a bit, I hope everything is ok".

jlove09 · Aug 12, 2009, 06:57 AM

I think the whole 'I hope you're okay' line is getting played out. Use something different and try something different. I think a quick call would do better cause then you can still hear her voice and see how she reacts.

talaniman · Aug 12, 2009, 08:17 AM

Seems like there are so many better things to do, than waste time trying to kiss up to a ex, that has dumped you.

BMI · Aug 12, 2009, 08:33 AM

You've listed all these things that HAPPENED in your 6 1/2 months together that indicate her feeling towards you. Nobody will dispute that she DID enjoy being with you, that during THAT time she wanted to be with you, obviously THAT time has passed by. Using the good parts of the relationship as a means to convince yourslef these things still apply is not going to work.

Also, this contact stuff and those that think it wise to message her or call her or come up with some unique line to show how much you care, in my opinion, is going to hurt you. I mean she started all of this because you said you love her, that's not a good sign. Also, here she is saying in quite plain English that she wants space and your plan is to not give it to her?? I suppose this is her way of saying I really, really, want to be with you and hear from you but I'm going to say the exact opposite of that and break up with you with the hopes that you will fight to get me back. Ummm OK.

Clearly, your not accepting this. You say you do not want to make thesamemistakes again but your making the same mistakes everyone makes in situations like these regardless of all the posts on this topic and their eventual conclusions. Oh, and we are not to advise you to move on.

I'm just painting the picture based on what you've said, if you don't see the reality of it your bound to do the least helpful thing in getting her back. Please take time to consider this.

Best of luck.