[helpmeouthere]

Currently on a break w/my S.O. of 4+ yrs.
We have complete freedom, but also promised complete honesty.
Esp if feelings for someone else are involved (not just physical).
We hope to get back together, and feel this is important to maintaining that possibility.
I discovered that she has feelings for someone else she didn't tell me about.
But she hounds me about her suspicions about me wanting to be w/other people, accusing me of lying, acting like I'm doing something wrong all the time, when I have no interest in any one but her.
How do I confront this situation?
She doesn't know that I'm aware of her feelings for this other person (a mutual friend).
I don't want to be confrontational.
Don't even know if talking about it will help... but its eating me up.
I just feel like I can't trust her now--- what should I do?:confused:

[Wondergirl]

Who first brought up taking a break?

The "guilty" partner always imagines that the other person is also guilty of the same thing as a way to assuage his or her guilt. It's like he/she thinks the view is through a window but is really looking in a mirror.

If trust is gone, what is left?

[Gemini54]

'Taking a break' is code for...

'I don't want to be in this relationship any more, but I'm afraid to tell you, and I want to check out someone else and don't want you to go in case I don't like him'.

I suspect that it's over and her feelings for another man have taken over.

Her hounding you is called 'projection' (there is a bit of it around on this site today). She fancies someone else, but doesn't know if she really wants them yet, so she's keeping you on a string and hounding you about any interest you may have in other women - because it may not work out.

I'd call her on it. It's been 4 years - she owes you the truth - if she's capable of telling it.

It's either over or it's not. Keeping you dangling stops you being able to make a choice - tell her to decide or you will.

[helpmeouthere]

The break wasn't my idea initially, but I agreed to it.
After discussion, it seemed like a good idea and like it'd be helpful to us as individuals and as a couple.
She wanted to call it off once or twice, but I reminded her of our conversation when we decided itd help... and she said she just missed me, but knew it was a good idea--

She hasn't trusted me for a while---
Which makes me wonder how long its been that she's been dishonest to me.

I always tell her she needs to trust me, or our relationship can't work.
And now she's led me to a point where I feel like I can't trust her.
Still, that can't work either.

Am I being too upset about this? Or is this a legitimate concern?

[Gemini54]

the break wasnt my idea initially, but i agreed to it.
after discussion, it seemed like a good idea and like it'd be helpful to us as individuals and as a couple.
she wanted to call it off once or twice, but i reminded her of our convo when we decided itd help... and she said she just missed me, but knew it was a good idea--

she hasnt trusted me for a while---
which makes me wonder how long its been that shes been dishonest to me.

i always tell her she needs to trust me, or our relationship can't work.
and now shes led me to a point where i feel like i can't trust her.
still, that can't work either.

am i being too upset about this? or is this a legitimate concern?

It's a legitimate concern - if she keeps going on about how she can't trust you (and you've done nothing to deserve this), then I would be very concerned.

People who accuse others of being untrustworthy are often the ones that are not worthy of trust.

I would suggest you either front her about it, or end the relationship. Without trust it's doomed anyway.

[helpmeouthere]

How do I bring it up w/o being confrontational? I'd like to talk about it, not fight about it.

[Gemini54]

how do i bring it up w/o being confrontational? i'd like to talk about it, not fight about it.

Well, that's the million dollar question isn't it? I guess you could explain that you want some closure in the relationship, and that you want to get on with yoiur life. Ask her what she wants to do and gauge your reaction on that. If she starts throwing stuff at you about not being trustworthy, you can ask her about the other guy. You don't have to fight her - let her rage if she wants to, just be calm and don't let yourself be belittled.

[helpmeouthere]

I don't know if I want to end it till we talk
And see how that goes
What's the best way to bring it up?
(important note: I found out by "snooping"--- but she did specific things that led me to be suspicious on one occasion, when I found this out-- but I feel like it'll be the focus, that I "invaded her privacy", rather than what I discovered by doing so... which I think is by far worse than any snooping I did)

[Gemini54]

i dont know if i want to end it till we talk
and see how that goes
what's the best way to bring it up??
(important note: i found out by "snooping"--- but she did specific things that led me to be suspicious on one ocassion, when i found this out-- but i feel like it'll be the focus, that i "invaded her privacy", rather than what i discovered by doing so... which i think is by far worse than any snooping i did)

I don't know what the BEST way is - these conversations are always difficult. Go out for dinner perhaps and do some general chatting about the relationship before you talk about your concerns. Perhaps don't talk about your suspicions, just listen to what she has to say about how she feels about you and her. Get her to do the talking by asking questions - what are her hopes, where does she see you and her in 2 years time?

What I would ask you to think about is - do you really think that you can sustain a relationship with a woman that behaves like this? There are a number of red flags here and the old 'time apart' trick very rarely brings couples back together.

[talaniman]

Helpmeouthere; I don't know if I want to end it till we talk
And see how that goes

What? Are you crazy? It has ended, and you agreed. Now walk away, and keep your dignity, and self respect. She wanted to break up, and you both set some silly rules that you can't keep. At least she can't.

What's the best way to bring it up?

There is nothing to bring up, you walk away, and let her do your thing. Get a life without her as your hope of getting back together in a healthy adult relationship is not going to happen. She is a liar, and full of it. I have no doubt whatsoever she is stringing you along.

(important note: I found out by "snooping"--- but she did specific things that led me to be suspicious on one occasion, when I found this out-- but I feel like it'll be the focus, that I "invaded her privacy", rather than what I discovered by doing so... which I think is by far worse than any snooping I did)

So you know the FACTS, and know she is lying, geez guy what more do you need to disappear from her life? She broke up to avoid being a cheater, and now IF this new guy works, she only has to tell you, and your really out the door. Like you are now but won't accept it.

That's why you say nothing, and walk away, because she dumped you (even though you foolishly agreed to it, and the silly BS rules that meant nothing to her) and its her that has to be honest with you, (which won't happen unless she is sure of this other guy).

Your dangling in limbo, because you let yourself be. Man up, and leave her alone.