[Scleros]

When you are no longer asking yourself this question.

[crisluvsu731]

Ok, I phrased it wrong, I know I am ready for marriage, I'm just not sure when my boyfriend will be. We talk about it all the time. He never tells me when, he just says that he knows I am the one for him.

We went to visit my family back home in Oklahoma, we live in California. He is 27 and I am 22, been together a little over 2 years now. He is the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. When we were there, he saw all of my friends kids and my little twin sisters and told me that he wants to have a family of his own with me soon. We are talking about getting a house together next year and we have already set up a savings acount and have saved half of what we need for a house already. I told him that I want to be engaged if not married when we get a house because that is a big step as it is. He said that he agrees and that's what he left me with. Does that mean he is going to propose in the near future?

[Scleros]

I'm just not sure when my boyfriend will be.

My original response applies. When's he's ready he'll do it.

We talk about it all the time.

Talk's cheap. Focus on what he does.

He said that he agrees and thats what he left me with. Does that mean he is going to propose in the near future?

No, it means he agrees.

[crisluvsu731]

But that's got to be a good sign right?

[talaniman]

What's with the proposing stuff, just set a date, and do it. You act like your married already, so just tell him when you want to get married, and be specific. Geez, I would put my money with anyone, unless we were married.

[crisluvsu731]

Well, that's the thing. We set up 2 different accounts. One in my name and one in his. He makes more than me and I told him that we should have it in both of our names in case something happens to him or me, and he didn't want to, he told me to set up my own.

[crisluvsu731]

Whats with the proposing stuff, just set a date, and do it.

I proposed to him before we were together for a year and he turned me down, we weren't ready and I understood that but I think it kind of hurt his feelings too. Him being the man, he wants to be the one to propose. I am not making that mistake again, lol

[crisluvsu731]

Oh, and another thing. He talked about at first, waiting until we have been together for 4 years, because that is how all of his brothers and sisters did it, but he wants to buy a house after 2 years, am I missing something?

[Scleros]

But that's gotta be a good sign right?

Again, from my own experiences and the wealth of heartache and headache described everyday on this site, talk is extremely cheap. Married behavior and expectations while dating often ends in tears.

He talked about at first, waiting til we have been together for 4 years, because that is how all of his brothers and sisters did it.

That's a reasonable timeframe for really getting to know someone, in my opinion.

...but he wants to buy a house after 2 years, am I missing something?

Perhaps, at the very least it is a good deal for him if he can get you to pay for half of it without any further obligations to you on his part. He may be sincere, however given your obvious urgency to get married and prior proposal I'd probably be deliberately cautious as well, although I wouldn't be talking about starting a family soon. As Tal said, if he's truly in this endeavor, a heart-to-heart discussion with a definite timeframe set isn't unreasonable.

[crisluvsu731]

Am I wrong for wanting to get married before getting a house together?

Getting a house is a huge step to take for people who are just dating, I mean, we have lived together since our 3 month anniversary, so we know each others ways.

[talaniman]

I told him that I want to be engaged if not married when we get a house because that is a big step as it is. He said that he agrees

Stick to your guns, and sign on a deed as his wife, not live in girlfriend. If he wants to wait 4 years, then you wait for two more years before you get that house.

You honor his wishes, but he must honor yours too.

[crisluvsu731]

Thank you for the advise.

[crisluvsu731]

So, I told him that I decided that if he wants to wait 4 years to get married, then we can wait until then to get a house, and now he is mad. He says that the reason he wants to get a house so soon is because of how good the market is. He says nothing about our relationship.

[crisluvsu731]

Threads merged

My boyfriend and I of 2 years started counseling recently to help keep the love we have for each other from going away. Anyway, the therapist wants us to go tomorrow with a list of things that we feel we bring to the relationship, and I don't know what to say. I am having a self-esteem problem and not feeling like I bring anything to the relationship. Can anyone give me advise on what the woman should be bringing to the relationship and I can see what I DO bring?

[Wondergirl]

Does this help? From youngbelizeanlady.blogspot.com --

To start off, as a young lady, I have always been taught how a man should and shouldn't treat me. At the same time I was also informed on how to do my part in order to maintain a functional relationship. Which is, the ability to put equal effort into the relationship. If I have something on my mind I should be able to verbally express it, but I must also be able to sit down and listen to what he has to say. Just like I expect him to compromise on certain situations, I must be able to do the same. Basically, I must be able to do all I expect of him to do for me or the equivalent. I am there to not only be his "Woman", but also his friend and vice versa.

I think many relationships disintegrate because someone feels unappreciated, and their efforts were not being matched. Which can correlate with a communication problem. If one is unable to communicate how unsatisfied they are, how do they expect their partner to know. For example, if he doesn't say "thank you" after a back rub, I may assume he doesn't appreciate them but expects them. When in actuality, he feels that because he constantly requests them, that I will assume he likes and appreciates it. Obviously a small issue made out of nothing, all I would have had to do is ask if he liked my back rubs, then everything would be fine.

All in all, a woman's role is either equal or equivalent to a man's. If its not, then it is a one sided relationship. And in one side relationships, someone is bound to get fed up and leave.

[amicon]

Why do you have to bring lists?wouldn't you rather benefit from being allowed to talk about why you have low selfesteem?who s idea was the counselling?what are the problems in the relationship?why do you think you have low selfesteem?I wouldn't worry about the list.allow yourself to speak your mind.

[crisluvsu731]

We both have to make a list. I suggested the counseling. He has depression issues some other problems and then I have mine. I am a heavier girl and I worry about what people think of me and I have my problems. I almost left him, and then he promised to get us some help, we both know that without therapy, this relationship isn't goint to last.

[crisluvsu731]

I am now wondering if we need sex therapy.

[amicon]

You bring you into a relationship-and hopefully love understanding and wanting to make each other happy.one kind of therapy at the time I think.is your partner on medication?

[crisluvsu731]

No, I am. I get really bad anxiety. Another problem that we have is that when we are argueing, he likes to go out in full detail of what is bothering me, not thinking about how what he has to say is going to effect me. Me on the other hand, I have a hard time expressing myself and I give short and to the point answers and that pisses him off. When we do this, I start having anxiety and wanting to do something else to avoid the argument. It feels like we are always argueing and I hate it! I don't know what to do. Which is why we are now goingto therapy.