[Alty]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> __________________________________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> __________________________________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
> __________________________________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> __________________________________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> __________________________________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> __________________________________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
> __________________________________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
> __________________________________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Uh... I was gettin' laid!
> __________________________________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
> __________________________________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
> __________________________________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Guess.
> __________________________________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> __________________________________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
> __________________________________________________ _______
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
> __________________________________________________ _______
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
> __________________________________________________ _______
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Huh... are you qualified to ask that question?
> __________________________________________________ _______
> And the best for last:
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[artlady]

I love these true ones from the court.I could read these all day.
Right up there with actual school excuses,hysterical!

[HelpinHere]

Heard some before, but nonetheless, had me rolling for a good five minutes!

Some of those aren't retarded... you have to ask a question like that for foundation... just should have worded it better, :p