[az4me]

We were married almost 8 years ago. I am 47, she will be 40 very soon. We both agreed that children were absolutely, positively not an option. Now all of a sudden, she not only wants one, but demands it.

I have never so much as held a baby... not even once. Honestly, I have considered myself extremely fortunate to have avoided getting involved in the whole "child thing". She is much softer in her opinion of kids. She plays with them on occasion, attends showers and does not avoid them at all cost like I do.

She knows I could never have married someone if they had or wanted kids. I have been consistent about this my entire life and have never wavered. Kids have never, ever entered my mind as a serious thought. Now, all of a sudden she does a 180 and she is dead serious.

We get along great and cannot imagine her not being around. I know she feels the same way. I know that for a fact. However, I really think she could do something drastic if I do not give in on this.

Her mother died about a year and a half ago and they were close. He grandparents are VERY old (90's) and in relatively declining health. She is not close to her father at all due to him cheating on her mother many years ago. She has two older brothers that will not be having any kids. She has even been researching her family tree on Ancestry.com.

This whole thing has totally blindsided me and am totally freaked out. To me it is absolutely a lose-lose situation. I simply do not know what to do... and I am someone that almost always knows where I am headed and how to get there.

I would greatly appreciate some advice. Certainly someone out there has a similar story. I do not want this thing to end badly. There must be a good path to follow.

Thanks!

[Jake2008]

I don't think that a change of heart on her part, is a surprise. When that clock starts ticking, and you realize you're running out of time, the pressure is on.

Where she may have felt differently 7 years ago, she's determined to have a baby now.

I don't know that you can change her mind, and if you refuse to have a baby, that she won't resent you. You're really between a rock and a hard place here.

Some will say you will adapt when the baby arrives. I'm not of that particular opinion for several reasons.

An unwanted baby will bring resentment to your marriage. Your entire life will change, as you know. Your lifestyle will never be the same, until the baby grows up and leaves home.

If this is a decision that is clearly set in stone, and you don't want to consider a baby, then you have to stick to your guns, and realize that the consequence could be the end of the marriage. She could also get pregnant 'by accident', so be careful. I hate to say that, but I have known women who have tricked men into being fathers without their consent.

You cannot enforce the agreement that you had. She has changed. I would consider seriously seeing a marriage counsellor to help get past this impass. If after doing that, your wife still insists upon getting pregnant, and will not change her mind, you have some serious decisions to make.

I hope she does reconsider.

[dontknownuthin]

She is telling you what she honestly feels, which is a good thing. And it's entirely realistic that she felt when you married that a life without children was fine, but when a woman feels a need to be a mother, it's overwhelming.

You perhaps should consider why you are so dead set against children - are you afraid of your inexperience with babies? Are you worried it will change your lives too much? Are you afraid you cannot effectively parent? I think it can be very helpful to dissect why we want or do not want things in our lives because many of these things can be addressed.

I do not believe people should be strong-armed into parenting, but this is a case where you both have strong feelings and want to be together, so one of you needs to give in if you will stay together.

I have several friends who never wanted kids - until they had a kid. Now they are so focused on those kids, they can't imagine life without them. They never anticipated what they would feel - because they couldn't picture it, they thought they wouldn't feel any of the right things.

It's great that you are being honest - just don't view yourself as being "tricked" - this is definitely something where a person can be blindsighted by these strong feelings they never saw coming. Deciding you want to have a child can be like falling in love and it just takes you totally off guard.

[Fr_Chuck]

Tell me about it, as a father of a 8 year old and well into my 50's.

Sometimes it is the "idea" but not the practicial, have you two ever keep a small baby for two or three days.

[az4me]

She is telling you what she honestly feels, which is a good thing. And it's entirely realistic that she felt when you married that a life without children was fine, but when a woman feels a need to be a mother, it's overwhelming.

You perhaps should consider why you are so dead set against children - are you affraid of your inexperience with babies? Are you worried it will change your lives too much? Are you affraid you cannot effectively parent? I think it can be very helpful to dissect why we want or do not want things in our lives because many of these things can be addressed.

I do not believe people should be strong-armed into parenting, but this is a case where you both have strong feelings and want to be together, so one of you needs to give in if you will stay together.

I have several friends who never wanted kids - until they had a kid. Now they are so focused on those kids, they can't imagine life without them. They never anticipated what they would feel - because they couldn't picture it, they thought they wouldn't feel any of the right things.

It's great that you are being honest - just don't view yourself as being "tricked" - this is definately something where a person can be blindsighted by these strong feelings they never saw coming. Deciding you want to have a child can be like falling in love and it just takes you totally off guard.

I do not feel as though I have been "tricked". She is an extremely honest person with the highest of morals. I truly believe she simply changed her mind about it long after we were married. I just need to find a resolution to this without us going our separate ways if possible.
---------------------------------------------------
To answer your questions, I must refer back to my original post.

1. I am not afraid of my past experience with babies because have absolutely no past experience whatsoever. As I mentioned before, I have never so much as held a baby, changed a diaper or honestly even touched a baby. I am not kidding. I never even seriously dated someone with a child. I got married back in 2001. I married her for many good reasons. However, had she wanted a child, that alone would have trumped every great quality she has. This is why I am just beside myself. I acted in good faith and we both agreed this is what we wanted. I cannot believe I am actually having to deal with this out of the blue.

2. I am totally fearful it will change our lives too much. In fact, I know it will and this is 80% of the reason I am against it. Live is too short to not have the freedom to live it as I want. (I would have said "we" two weeks ago, but now I know she and I are not on the same page about this.)

3. "Are you afraid you cannot effectively parent?" I have not even considered this and it is has been a non-issue because I knew I never wanted to be a parent now or ever. I am not willing to give up my lifestyle, freedom and interests.

4. Many people have told me that once you are a parent, you suddenly "get it" and wonder why you ever thought the way you did before. I honestly don't mean to sound like a jerk, but that carries no weight with me. Those comments (though, sincere I am sure) are coming from people that now have no choice and they have mentally adapted to the situation. Those people loving their child and can't imagine life without it should not be compared to me. I love my life as it is just as much if not more than they do. I feel those people's well-intentioned advice to me is attempting to apply the principles of their happiness to another person (me). People are different and one size does not fit all.

5. I am 47 and nothing frightens me more than spending the majority my remaining work years playing daddy. I am in the very early stages of thinking what it would be like in an active, somewhat early (maybe 60 or so) retirement traveling the world. I'm sorry, but in my thought process about this, a kid would not have made my top 1000 list.


I guess the way I look at it is why should I be forced into something like this? It would be equally bad if we had married with the intentions of having a kid and all of a sudden, I said I don't want one. Why is one way of thinking (her's) looked at as more valid than mine?

The real advice I am seeking is how do I get out of this situation without ending up with a kid, yet keep her? I am not looking to be talked into having a kid, because this is not an option I am willing to have on the table, period. I want to exhaust every non-child option possible because the thought of losing her is almost unimaginable to me.

A couple more thought to ponder...

It is impossible for me to fathom that she is in essence willing to walk away from our marriage and trade it for a kid. We are in a great relationship (in all other areas), we both agree about this. I am sincere and I know she is too. How can she possibly give all that up for a child she has never had, never met and she is not even pregnant? To me, that just makes no sense.

I should mention (because I know some of you will be thinking this) I am extremely close to my parents. They never beat me as a kid or mistreated me... quite the opposite. I never had some life-altering experience that turned me against kids. I am just wired differently and never have had even the slightest warm, fuzzy feeling about having one.

I also know without question my wife is faithful and has no "plan B" if I don't give in to her. You would have to know her to understand. I have never met someone more straight up and honest than her. I suppose that is why she changed her mind about children and did not hold it inside, she talked with me about it even though she knew I would climb the walls.

Finally, I want to say I am a very nice guy and not the anti-Christ. I know this post sounds harsh and heartless, particularly to those that have and want kids. The only way people will understand my situation is if I am totally honest and tell it like it is. My bluntness is only meant to be truthful and not gloss over this terrible situation. I hope you can appreciate this.


I look forward to a magic potion someone might have to bail me out if this mess. I know... there is no easy answer. Unfortunately, I don't have ANY answer right now except to go our separate ways. That just cannot happen!!

[ohsohappy]

I'm only 19, So I'm not sure how much I can tell you that you haven't already thought of, But I hope a different perspective helps.

I really don't know of any advise for you other than just try to be as supportive of her as possible while still sticking to your feelings. (Which I'm sure you already do) Some may think of it as a midlife crisis.

Quite honestly, a lot of it could be biological. As I'm sure you know, women are designed specially for the purpose of carrying a child. Her body knows this, and is telling her she doesn't have long left. Especially because she has never had a child. I've heard of women that have already had children feel the same way when they enter that age. It's like the body is saying "HEY LAST CHANCE" and it connects in a very deep emotional way to the mind, because, biologically, women are made to be mothers.


Im not trying to make your wife sound like a robot, I hope you understand. It's just that it makes sense to me.

I'm sure that there is more to it than that though considering she sounds like a quite intelligent women.

I think that you should take some time to let it sink in, so that you can take a step back and listen to to exactly why she feels she wants a child. (Not saying that you should give in to her at all) You seem like quite an intelligent man. I'm sure you've already considered this.

Also, consider maybe getting her a pet, such as a puppy. It can be a fitting subsitute for a couple who does not want children. It will give her something to nurture and to care for. And it may even be good for both of you..

Yes I think a puppy is a fabulous idea. (hopefully she's not allergic or opposed to the idea) It's cute and fuzzy and she can give it affection and everything like that.

I hope I helped. Good luck!

[ohsohappy]

By the way, let me know if the puppy idea works will you? :)

Once again, Good luck!

[DoulaLC]

Perhaps, if you feel this will become an issue that could cause the two of you to separate anyway... consider having a baby with her.

IF, at that time, your feelings on the matter have not changed, you can separate then. If you feel the final outcome either way will be a separation, you both can have something you want, albeit not the marriage. You have your freedom, she has a child.

You will still be able to follow the goals you have set and she will be able to follow her's, along with having the baby she wanted.

A few things could happen:

1) you decide to do this with her and she doesn't become pregnant (age can likely be a factor at 40), but she will love you for trying

2) you don't decide to do this with her, she can't let it go and it now becomes a once unforseen deal breaker so you separate

3) you don't decide to do this with her and she gets over it in time... but may harbor some resentment about the "what ifs"

4) you don't decide to do this with her and she gets over it and is relieved at some point

5) you decide to do this with her, you find your feelings don't change after the baby is born, and you separate

6) you decide to do this with her, your feelings do change, and it brings an entirely new dimension to your relationship

7) maybe it is just a passing feeling for her because she is starting to feel time is running out

You know, you might find you can have it a bit of both ways...

You can still have freedom by hiring a nanny, babysitter, or enlisting the help of family. My daughter has gone on trips with a family as their nanny... she has also stayed home with the baby while the parents went away.

Have some more talks... discuss the what-ifs... would there be resentment... would it come done to separating or is that just something you are worried about as one possibility... if you did have a child, how much of your current lifestyle could you maintain, etc..

It is a tough situation to be in, no doubt... I wish you both well.

[dontknownuthin]

Your added comments really help me to understand how serious you are about not wanting to be a parent, and I hope I did not come off as trying to talk you into being one - just trying to shed some light on her feelings in the hopes it might help.

I think you need to ask your wife if she can be happy with you and without children, and take it from there. She's the only one who can really tell you how deep her need for a child runs. If she's willing to try to get past these feelings, support her through it and recognize she may go through a lot of anger toward you over it - even if intellectually she knows you've been candid all along.

Best wishes and I hope that things work out as you want them to.

[jenniepepsi]

I smell a nesting instinct. Many women get this, especially when they have no children into their older years.

First talk with her, openly, and honestly but non threateningly.

Then, decide if you would be open to the possibility of her babysitting for an infant? This is what I did when I felt the 'need' for another child, but its simply not an option right now due to infertility and financial issues. So I started babysittnig a 3 month old for my neighbor. I get the snuggle lovey, positive parts of the baby caring that many women crave, without the rest of it. You know what I mean?

Or possibliy try fostering for infants? There is always a need for foster familys. And you can choose the ages you want to accept, AND if it does not work out for you, you do not have to do it indefinitely.