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mac_20 · Aug 9, 2009, 09:11 AM

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Hey guys I've never posted on here before, but my girlfriend of over a year and a half just told me she needed some space to figure herself out.

It started with her moving out. She had quit her job where we were living and would end up spending most of the day at home while I was at work. (problematic I know) She packed everything up one night, and said she was going home for a while to help on her parents large farm. I thought it was great, I mean she needed to be doing something, although I would miss her. After she left, I didn't here from her for a couple of weeks. I finally called her and asked if we were all right. She hesitated and said that she thought we needed to take a break. We talked for a while and by the end agreed that we owed it to ourselves to try and work on things. The week passed, and we talked on the phone every night. Everything seemed OK. The next weekend she was supposed to come out to my cabin for the weekend, and we could really sit down and talk things over. When it came time for the weekend, she told me her grandma had become ill and she needed to spend time with her. I was understanding and sympathetic, to later only find out it was a lie, and she ended up in another city with some old friends partying all weekend. (she drove right by my cabin on the way to this other city). We ended up talking on the phone again Sunday night, and again agreed to try and work on things. Another week passes and it seems fine. This coming weekend we are supposed to go to a wedding togeather near her farm. I decide to go up a day early and surprise her with a night at the spa in the neighboring city. She was surprised and we had a nice supper. After supper she ran into an old friend and instead of having a night talking things out in a romantic room, we went to a pub and she ended up getting drunk. I was upset about it, but kept my cool. Now the day before the wedding, I worked for her dad all day, while she was in the city seeing some friends and doing some shopping. She was supposed to be back that afternoon. Well I never heard from her, and then after wating until 11pm for her, I decided I needed to take a stand for myself, and I left to go home. When she finally did get home at 1am she realized I wanst there and sent me some very rude text messages. I could tell by the tone of the message she was drunk. Early the next morning she called to apogize. After that I just let it be. She was leaving for a 2 week trip with a girlfriend the next day.I didn't call to say goodbye or anything. After about the 3rd day of her trip with no contact. She text me to tell me she's been thinkign about me, and she can't wait to get back home to me. I wasn't even going to respond, but I didn't want her to resent me for ignoring her. I finally just sent her a very causal email. When she wrote back she said she really wants to work on us if I can forgive her for hurting me. Now she has text me just about everday of her trip. Always brief but she is contacting me. Now she's in Vegas, and I'm really worried about what might happen there. I've never been there myself, but everyone tells me it's pretty crazy there. Unfotunately she can't handle her alcohol very well, and I'm afraid what might happen after a few drinks. I don't know what to do. I know I can't tell her I'm worried, she'll sense the insecurity and it will only push her further away. She was textin me last night, and during the day I ran into some of her old co workers. They told me I should be worried. So when I responded to her text, I told her that some old co workers of hers told me I should be worried, but that I wasn't. She didn't respond, and now I'm mad at myself for saying that. I'm sure she saw right through it. I have been trying my best to get out with friends, and been going to gym everyday. But I can't even enjoy time with my friends, she's all I think about.

Sorry for the incredible rant. I needed to get it all out. Part of me says I shouldn't even want her back after some of the stuff she pulled, but my heart says otherwise. This came out of no where for the most part, and I think we have potential to be great for one another. Any advice/ comments appreciated. Thanks.

none12345 · Aug 9, 2009, 09:21 AM

Break = breakup

Why is she still contacting you? Hoping you can still remain friends and so she will feel less guilty.

amicon · Aug 9, 2009, 10:29 AM

Sometimes our hearts lead us down some strange alley ways.I think you need a long break from this young lady who amongst other things seems to have a problem with alcohol.she s messing you about.walk away and try to find out who you are and what you want from life.

talaniman · Aug 9, 2009, 11:28 AM

You will never heal, and gain any peace of mind until you cut the contact with her, and put your life back together. You need some time, and a lot of it, for a better perspective on your situation.

Potential, and reality are two different things. Her actions, speak louder than her words.

mac_20 · Aug 9, 2009, 12:02 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You will never heal, and gain any peace of mind until you cut the contact with her, and put your life back together. You need some time, and a lot of it, for a better perspective on your situation.

Potential, and reality are two different things. Her actions, speak louder than her words.

I completely agree talaniman. But how do I cut contact with her, when she's the one that contacts me all the time? I can't just ingore her can I? That doesn't seem like the right thing to do. So far I have been responding, but just keeping things very casual and upbeat.

amicon · Aug 9, 2009, 12:17 PM

Change your phone.it works.ignore her.move on.get your own life back on track.

talaniman · Aug 9, 2009, 12:24 PM

so far I have been responding, but just keeping things very casual and upbeat.

Why?? Why are you letting her call the shots for you. That's sort of being a bully. Why haven't you told her straight up leave you alone? Why aren't you standing up for yourself Why? Why??

amicon · Aug 9, 2009, 12:32 PM

You have it in you to stand up to her.you should do this for YOU no one else.noone should run your life but you.step away from all this.

mac_20 · Aug 9, 2009, 12:50 PM

I don't know. I want this to work, I think it can. She said she has been doing a lot of reflecting while she was gone, and that she really wants to be able to work on us too. I don't want her to think I have given up by me ingnoring her. I want her back, but just don't know how to do it. I have gotten ex's back before with the no contact method, but they never contacted me like she is. I am scared she will be react negatively and go do something she regrets in vegas as a rebound. Like I said, I don't want her to think I have given up, but I don't want her to think I'll be waiting with open arms when she gets back. I did tell her "she can't have her cake and eat it too" meaning she can't want a break, yet still talk to me all the time and tell me how much she cares for me. Tonight is her first night in Vegas. I made a mistake by telling her about her co workers telling me I should be worried. I'm sure she saw right through that. So if and when she texts me tonight, I guess I'll just ignore it!?

amicon · Aug 9, 2009, 01:08 PM

For your own sake please ignore her texts and calls.I think you re being bullied here.and that will only stop when you no longer allow that to happen.No contact works-its tough at first but it gets easier by the day trust me. I can't even remember which day I'm on anymore.you are only responsible for your own happiness.

none12345 · Aug 9, 2009, 01:52 PM

Originally Posted by mac_20

I don't know. I want this to work, I think it can. She said she has been doing alot of reflecting while she was gone, and that she really wants to be able to work on us too. I don't want her to think I have given up by me ingnoring her. I want her back, but just don't know how to do it. I have gotten ex's back before with the no contact method, but they never contacted me like she is. I am scared she will be react negatively and go do something she regrets in vegas as a rebound. Like I said, I don't want her to think I have given up, but I don't want her to think I'll be waiting with open arms when she gets back. I did tell her "she can't have her cake and eat it too" meaning she can't want a break, yet still talk to me all the time and tell me how much she cares for me. Tonight is her first night in Vegas. I made a mistake by telling her about her co workers telling me I should be worried. I'm sure she saw right through that. So if and when she texts me tonight, I guess I'll just ignore it!!??

Of course. Ignore everything from now on. The only way you can be with her now is if she comes back begging you to take her back.

mac_20 · Aug 9, 2009, 03:04 PM

Thanks to all of you. I appreciate the advice.

Talaniman,

I was reading another thread where the persons (username ATG 94) is almost identicale to mine. In there you told him that the time for NC was in the beginning, not after they were trying to make it work again.

This is identicle to what I'm feelign I guess. I did initiate NC, but she contacted me after 3 days. After debating to even respond, I finally wrote her a brief email and said you wanted your space so take it. She responded saying she really watns to make this work.

So with that are we not at the point where we are trying to make it work, and should have open communication? This is all complicated by the fact that she is traveling along ways away right now. Thanks.

talaniman · Aug 10, 2009, 04:37 AM

This is all complicated by the fact that she is traveling along ways away right now.

That was pretty much my point, as she is not there, and texting just doesn't cut it. Back away, and be a lot less available, until you can see each other, face to face. Sorry guy, but I'm just not as trusting as you are about her, and the way she does things.

mac_20 · Aug 10, 2009, 08:53 AM

OK, thanks Talaniman. She text me again last night, just letting me know she made it to vegas and to say good night. I didn't respond.

So when she does come back, and we eventually meet up and talk about things, and possibly try to work through some stuff, how do I ask her about Vegas? Normally I wouldn't have to as I would trust her 100%, but with her sudden erratic behaviour and white lies the last month, that trust has crumbled somewhat. How do I ever know what if anything happened there without asking her? However, in asking her it only acts to push her further away. I guess, I'll just have to give it time, and if things do work out, then maybe I can bring it up when the relationship is in a more stable phase?

Jake2008 · Aug 10, 2009, 09:12 AM

She treats you very poorly, and shows no respect. You can't trust her, and now she won't leave you alone via the texts.

I have the impression that between the texts she's having a very good time. Just changes hats once in a while to appear to be sincere. I do not believe she is.

If the situation were reversed, and you were cancelling dates, not showing up, or showing up drunk, off with your buddies on vacation, her hearing from your co-workers that you have reason to worry etc. would you be surprised if she dumped you?

The most basic thing in any relationship is trust, you don't have that with her. Even if she comes home after 'reflecting', and seems sincere, you can't ever know if this time is different because you have doubts about her integrity.

You keep investing of yourself, and I don't see her doing likewise. She is in single mode, and you are thinking as a couple with a future.

You have to stand up for yourself, or keep getting emotionally manipulated.

Send her an email, and tell her that you won't text her, and won't accept any texts from her, and you will not be calling. Do what you have to do to figure out if you are ever going to have a meaningful relationship with her.

Time to think without worrying how to react.

When you have set YOUR groundrules, stick to them.

mac_20 · Aug 10, 2009, 10:23 AM

[QUOTE=Jake2008;1914017]

I have the impression that between the texts she's having a very good time.

QUOTE]

I agree, she probably is having a very good time. As she should be. She's on vacation with a friend. I want her to enjoy it.

talaniman · Aug 10, 2009, 11:42 AM

You will never have a healthy relationship if you cannot trust your partner. The way things have gone, you don't trust her, and have become very insecure with YOURSELF, worrying about what she is doing.

Make a decision to take a risk, either let go, or be all in. Ignoring her, then being available is a game you lose, because you simply don't know how to play.

Better to balance your life, and be having fun yourself without her. Then at least you will have a better perspective, to make decisions based on facts, and not FEAR of losing her.

That doesn't mean you ignore her, that means your not as available, or needy, and a lot less insecure.

As to the trust issue, that's up to you to see through her actions, and not just words, that she is worthy of that trust. If not, let her go, and be done with it. That's when you go NC, and ignore her, and disappear from her life.

mac_20 · Aug 10, 2009, 12:17 PM

OK, now I'm a little confused about what you guys are saying. At first it was to be 100% NC, but now it's either all in or NC. I agree you can't ignore her for a while and then be available. So that being said, and the fact that I don't feel this is over yet, where does it go from here. We need to sit down and work through some stuff, but that can't happen until she is back. I'm reading a book by Blasé Harris, and in there his basic approach to getting a loved one back is to love them 100%.

Jake2008 · Aug 10, 2009, 05:29 PM

The headline for your original question was, "Ex says we're on a break, but she keeps contacting me."

It is not a break, it's not no contact, it isn't a breakup, just what the heck is it.

I think it is her that is sending the mixed messages to you, and I'd be confused too.

About 10 years ago, after 23 years of marriage, I grew really despondent over the future of my marriage for many reasons. While he was trying to figure me out, I was trying to figure me out too, and I needed time and space away to think. Not to party, not to whoop it up in Vegas, not to text to keep in touch. Time away to think.

I bought a ticket to Scotland, where my mother was from, and did the bed and breakfast thing, and bought a full pass ticket. I toured the countryside, stopped in at pubs, sat on the beaches and pretty much did the backpack hippy thing.

To me, that was NC. I needed the space, and the distance, and no phones and computers.

I spent 10 days in the fresh air, slept like a baby, and thouroughly enjoyed being alone.

What conclusion did I come to? That me, included him. There wasn't any problem that I was willing to walk away from and throw an otherwise loving relationship down the drain.

I came home, clear headed, and things worked out.

That's what, to me, no contact means. It is not the end of anything necessarily, it is just a way of being on your own, totally on your own, in order to think and figure out what you want in this person that you love, and if its worth fighting for.

If you have a solid relationship based on trust and respect, you are independed within the bounds of the relationship itself. You are not bound by obligation, but by choice.

Our relationship was (and is) solid enough to allow that freedom.

You have to figure out if yours is or not.

talaniman · Aug 11, 2009, 11:16 AM

I'm telling you to make a decision, and not sit on the fence. From what you wrote you were dumped, that's NC, but you kept at it, and think she is receptive, so you have a decision, to keep trying, or stop trying.

From what YOU wrote, I'm out of here, as I require a lot more to trust some one who has taken the actions she has. That's just me though. Your decision should be based on your own facts that YOU have.

My advice is confusing, because I think you're a bit confused, as you put a lot into her texts, which I would not.

I am not sure what you want at this point.