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ibleedblue23 · Aug 8, 2009, 04:22 PM

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Me and my ex dated for almost two years and we broke up because we argued so much. Its been about 4 months and we've had sex and hung out since then. But never got back together. She wanted to but I was afraid it would just be the same. Well yesterday she told me she found another boyfriend. And told me he's hotter than me to make me jealous. I'm devastated. I love her so much and I didn't realize how much I needed her until she told me that. Any advice would be appreciated.

I wish · Aug 8, 2009, 07:53 PM

Caution: harsh reply

Time to move on. You can't keep hanging on to someone who doesn't feel the same way. She had a change of heart, so it's time to accept reality.

She lead you on by keeping you on as friends with benefits after you broke up. Furthermore, while you were broken up, she was looking for someone else better than you. Once she found someone better, she can easily cut contact with you. If she couldn't find someone better, then she can always fallback to you.

Be done with being her backup/fall-back guy. Stop letting her mess with your mind. It's time for you to move on.

ibleedblue23 · Aug 9, 2009, 04:56 AM

I know what your saying. She told me she still wants to talk to me because she doesn't know what she want right now. But yesterday I went NC with her and I'm trying my best to keep to it. Didn't think it'd be this hard though

amicon · Aug 9, 2009, 05:19 AM

Its tough but it works NC I mean. I ll keep my fingers crossed for you and all the best.

I wish · Aug 9, 2009, 05:27 AM

Originally Posted by ibleedblue23

i know what your saying. she tld me she still wants to talk to me because she doesnt know what she mants right now. but yesterday i went NC with her and im trying my best to keep to it. didnt think itd be this hard though

Of course it's hard to go into NC. But just believe us when we say that you're better off. You don't want to keep talking to her and let her lead you on. This is called putting your foot down and showing her that you won't let her drag you around and be her safety net.

If she wanted something to happen with you, she will have to make the effort and come find you. Then you will know that she's really into you and that you're not just her backup in case things don't work out with her boyfriend.

You're making the right choice! We'll support you all the way!

ibleedblue23 · Aug 9, 2009, 05:36 AM

I overreacted when I first heard her say it. I told her I still loved her and then got the whole its too late I had when chance. Then made the huge mistake of pulling the ima kick his type of thng. Which made it all so much worse. We talked about it yesterday and I told her itd be best not to talk. She started crying and said its up to me but that she didn't want it. I'm as so confused right now.

I wish · Aug 9, 2009, 05:42 AM

Originally Posted by ibleedblue23

im as so confused right now.

You're confused because you broke the rules. The point of no contact is so that she can figure things out without your influence. AND for you to start moving on with your life. If she comes to you, then great! But if she doesn't, then you will be in a better position to recover from this experience. You don't need to explain why you are going NC, just do it. She will get the picture when you don't respond a few times.

If you break the rules and talk to her, you will over-analyze all these little signs and details.

SHE ALREADY KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HER. So you don't need to remind her or give her any extra pressure. Just leave her alone and do your own thing.

Let her sort out her problem first become coming to you. Until she BREAKS UP with her boyfriend, there's nothing you can do, which is why you have to go NC until she actually breaks up. But as you know, if she never breaks up with her boyfriend, then you'll have to go NC forever, unless you're willing to just stay regular friends, which is not recommended.

As for you, you've already said some things that you've regretted. So during this no contact time, you should focus on your personality. Maybe during NC, you will find someone better too.

Once she's figured things out and you've worked on your personality, both of you will be in a better position to move forward, whether as friends, bf/gf or nothing at all.

ibleedblue23 · Aug 9, 2009, 05:46 AM

I know your right. She called me earlier and I ignored her phone call. I feel bad about it though. Should I?

I wish · Aug 9, 2009, 05:56 AM

Nope. It's OK to feel bad, but remember the reason you have to ignore her. So that she can figure things out without your influence and so that you can work on yourself.

When both of you have settled things down, you will both be in a better position to talk to each other without over-analyzing every little detail. It will be better for the long run. It's kind of those "the ends justify the means."

ibleedblue23 · Aug 9, 2009, 07:09 AM

I got the worst luck ever. I went down to the store to get me an energy drink for the gym and she was there. She came up to me and we talked for a couple minutes about everything. She asked me if not talking to her is really what I wanted. I of course said not really but its for the best. So we said goodbye and I left. I'm just wanting to make sure I'm doing the right thing.

amicon · Aug 9, 2009, 07:27 AM

Yes you are believe me.next time you see her just say a polite hi.you re doing well.

ibleedblue23 · Aug 9, 2009, 03:20 PM

I've been thinking about her all day. I can't stop. Its killing me knowing she could be out with him right now. I've tried to keep pretty busy today though it don't help much. Anyone got some advice on watd help me forget her?

paxe · Aug 9, 2009, 03:34 PM

All break ups are hard in the beginning especially the first few days. What you need is to GET BUSY! Read the stickies on top of the forum it will help.

harriejansen · Aug 9, 2009, 03:37 PM

We all go through this. What helps, is to focus on the fact that you will be fine in a while. I am also going through the motions, up and down, but sure that I will be better, thinking about that helps. Thinking about her with loverboy does not...

ibleedblue23 · Aug 10, 2009, 03:11 PM

Well guys I'm off to the bar to drink till I forget about her. Wish me luck.

paxe · Aug 10, 2009, 03:24 PM

Originally Posted by ibleedblue23

well guys im off to the bar to drink till i forget about her. wish me luck.

Yea... that's actually one of the worst thing you can do during break ups... what about sports, activities and socializing with friends? I mean it's still fun and your liver doesn't suffer that much. Also it's quite normal you're suffering this much if you're keeping contact with her. It's just common sense.

CanIBuyAClue · Aug 10, 2009, 05:50 PM

Don't go get wasted, that is a terrible thing to do. When I was in the process of my ex breaking up with me we were talking to each other on the phone (about a week or so after she said we had different goals, roads, blah blah, etc... ) and then we txt'd a bit. I got upset and pounded 4 beers in like a half hour (I rarely drink at all) and then sent a couple more text messages (nothing terrible, but she didn't want to talk any further). She then said the next day we could talk "if I was sober" like I'm some sort of damn alcoholic (when I drink like 12 beers a MONTH at the time). I called her on that at a later date and she did say she said that just to kind of rub it in on me. Well I tell you what, for some reason that has really stuck with me since we've not been together. I have hit the gym insanely hard and have only had about 3 beers in over 3 months (those were all in a night - out with the boys- they 'made' me lol). You're going to find that you get way leaner (I'm by no means fat, but you see an extra layer of muscle when you don't drink - I'm shooting for 6% body fat).

Don't go get wasted and get a beer gut and drunk dial / text her anything, you'll only be confirming in her mind that she made the right decision in her dumping you. Instead give up alcohol and bust your @$$ in the gym and get absolutely ripped. Because the next time she sees you with her friends they're going to be wait... that's who you dumped? At which point you will not care. This is the point I am getting to :)

Hang in there man.

paxe · Aug 10, 2009, 08:49 PM

Originally Posted by CanIBuyAClue

Don't go get wasted, that is a terrible thing to do. When I was in the process of my ex breaking up with me we were talking to each other on the phone (about a week or so after she said we had different goals, roads, blah blah, etc...) and then we txt'd a bit. I got upset and pounded 4 beers in like a half hour (I rarely drink at all) and then sent a couple more txt msgs (nothing terrible, but she didn't want to talk any further). She then said the next day we could talk "if I was sober" like I'm some sort of damn alcoholic (when I drink like 12 beers a MONTH at the time). I called her on that at a later date and she did say she said that just to kinda rub it in on me. Well I tell you waht, for some reason that has really stuck with me since we've not been together. I have hit the gym insanely hard and have only had about 3 beers in over 3 months (those were all in a night - out with the boys- they 'made' me lol). You're going to find that you get way leaner (i'm by no means fat, but you see an extra layer of muscle when you don't drink - I'm shooting for 6% body fat).

Don't go get wasted and get a beer gut and drunk dial / txt her anything, you'll only be confirming in her mind that she made the right decision in her dumping you. Instead give up alcohol and bust your @$$ in the gym and get absolutely ripped. Because the next time she sees you with her friends they're going to be wait... that's who you dumped?? At which point you will not care. This is the point I am getting to :)

Hang in there man.

Damm... you're shooting for 6% body fat, I was happy with getting 10% and less and I've been hitting the gym almost everyday, with kung fu and stopping all fat. Well I did lose 12% of my body weight in fat so it's not so bad.

CanIBuyAClue · Aug 10, 2009, 09:45 PM

Originally Posted by paxe

Damm... you're shooting for 6% body fat, I was happy with getting 10% and less and I've been hitting the gym almost everyday, with kung fu and stopping all fat. Well I did lose 12% of my body weight in fat so it's not so bad.

Nice man, yeah I'm not content with just being lean and mean and chiseled, I want to be absolutely cut in the midsection. I'm probably around 10-11% right now, I do cardio in the mornings before work 70% of the time (I say 70% because sometimes I'm guilty of sleeping in :) ), and then I also do weights/cardio after work. I workout every day, with a day of rest thrown in there every couple of weeks. There is no better motivator than a woman telling you in different words that basically 'you're not good enough.' I kind of have this thing for proving people wrong... :)

But Ibleedblue... seriously don't waste your time drinking, it's not going to help you out any. I say cut the booze and hit the gym!

ibleedblue23 · Aug 11, 2009, 02:38 AM

Your right man. I need to get absolutely ripped and make her see that she shouldn't have left. I think ill start first thing in the morning. Thanks for the advice.