[terry884]

My ex e-mailed on a Thursday (last week) and said that she was open to communicating again as friends after five months. We had a wonderful few phone chats and she wanted to get together to get reacquainted to see how it felt. I had her over for an early dinner that Saturday and we had such a wonderful time. I shared with her how I had arrived at a place where I realized that I want to have a relationship that allows myself and my significant other to live their truth (I will be honest and say that I realized I had abandonment issues and now see how clingy could scare anyone off. Also I learned that my biggest faults where my greatest assets with the volume turned up just a little too much and have been getting some counseling) she really enjoyed hearing this as my truth and it felt so comfortable being together. We actually ended up holding hands while we laid on am outdoor recliner and just talked and smiled and she said it’s funny how life is. (We had dated for just over two years and had a few break-ups as we hit areas in our relationship that at the time couldn’t be worked out but required growth with-in the individual and their desire to change for themselves. For example I went from thinking I needed a person of Christian faith when I actually arrived at a place myself that realized I am more spiritual than Christian and was living a set of rules I grew up with. When I made that decision the relationship was right for me.) after a few hours she said she need to go as her intention was to just have a reaquaintance dinner and without resistance I walked her to her car. This is where it got very special to me. She just kept talking and we would hug and give small kisses. It was very sweet that she was enjoying herself so much she didn’t want to go. I asked her is I could see her again and she said is that living your truth and I sad yes and she said yes. She than told me that she wanted me to know that she was dating others (as much as I didn’t want to hear that I understood that we haven’t been together for 5 months and I too was dating. Also, the non-ego part of me though it was great as it gave her perspective.) and was enjoying dating as it and she use the same word I was thinking gave her perspective. She has always been very honest and upfront and that felt good to know. Don’t get me wrong I wish she would rush back into my life but as my counselor told me this is the perfect opportunity to work on not being clingy in a relationship and allowing her to take the lead as one of the main reasons she broke up with me was that she felt engulfed which of course is from the abandonment issues I have. So I have been practicing quid pro quo and I only respond to text or e-mails after she initiates them. My counselor said at this early of a stage less-is-more and she is testing the waters to see how it feels for her and of course being rightly skeptical that I may lapse into clingy. She called me and let me know how much she enjoyed seeing me and would definitely love to get together again but already had plans the following weekend. She has been texting me every day or sending me an e-mail since our initial meeting and as promised to myself I have only responded in kind and not initiated.
I will be up front and say that it is very hard knowing she is dating others as the mind wanders a lot but I know in a lot of ways it is just like any first date with someone and it takes time for them to decide how much they want to see you. Since I have a history with her and she actually wants to see me I have to assume that she isn’t overly serious about the others but non-the-less it is still hard. So my questions now that I have brought you somewhat current is. At what point is it appropriate considering my past with her for me to initiate any of the conversations or to ask her out? Am I assuming right that for the next week or so I should completely let her make all the decision of, if and when she wants to get together and when she feels like e-mailing me or texting? Do you think that she could get the feeling that I am not that interested in seeing her by not initiating any of the conversations? I really love this lady and truly would love to marry her so I don’t want to screw this up and I also want to overcome my abandonment fears as that affects any relationship I am in. It just feels so off for me when I receive a few texts and then don’t hear from her for 5 hours than you get a few more. I want to initiate a good night or good morning message but my counselor says don’t do that as she is enjoying the feeling of getting to know you and is already having a good night or morning by just enjoying the fact that the last texts or email were nice and she got to initiate them. It’s a totally new perspective for me. The thought that just letting her have her peace and let her initiate is better than me saying a warm good morning or good night for now. I know that if I called or text her right now that she would meet up again as she has proven and said that she wants to see me but in the past I was always the one initiating most things and that was most likely because of abandonment fear as she used to say you plan so much that I never get a chance to surprise you . I have changed a lot and really value some good advice and a forum to get me through this stage where I want to see her so bad. I know that if I retrain I can relearn and become a less clingy person and bring that easy into the relationship. Thanks in advance for your opinions (we are both in our 40’s for reference)

[amicon]

I would take your counsellors advice on this.let time work for you and don't fall back into your old patterns of behaviour. Good luck

[talaniman]

Do what your counsellors are advicing you to do. They are guiding you through the process of dealing with your feelings in a positive way, and not act or speak on impulse, as you get to carried away.

Listen, and learn.