[tashaD]

I met my husband when we both were still in shool. We dated for 9 years before getting married. We have been married for 3 years, and have a 10 month old baby. Since leaving school I have picked up 20kg because of hormonal problems.

This weekend we were just talking and we talking about school and he tells me that I WAS hot in school. So I ask how about now and he tell me that I have a pretty face, but if we did not know each other and just met now, he would not look at me twice. So he see me getting upset and replies "don't worry i will not leave you because you are my wife". I don't care about that, how do I get intimate with someone who do not find me attractive anymore. Is this normal? I am not sure how to handle this, I feel embarrassed in front of him now.

I also found out that he is keeping secrets from me, tell me it is my fault because when I do find out, I shout and get mad at him. My husband trust very easily and he gives his band card and pin to anyone to go draw money for him when he is busy. So it happened that the cleaning lady got it and stole some money - found out about this and was mad as hell, this was about 6 months ago. So then R4500 goes of his account and he report it as fraud... we find out that a copy was made of his card at a atm, here comes the catch, he forgot the affidavit at home, and I read it, he again gave his card to one of the ladies at work, with the pin, she saw something was wrong with the atm but just went ahead.
Guess how I am feeling, I confronted him about it and he lies and tells me this was long ago, but the date is last week.

I do not know if I can trust him with anything anymore

What should I do?

[I wish]

No trust = no relationship

There are various issues in your situation. In priority order.

1) You need to worry about yourself first. You might not feel good about yourself because of your looks, so do something about it. If you are comfortable with the way you are, then accept how your husband feels about you.

2) No trust = no marriage. If you can't trust your husband anymore, then you really need to confront him about this. Tell him all the concerns that you told us. Take more drastic measures if necessary, such as marriage counselling. If he can't regain your trust, then you need to reconsider this marriage.

3) Don't feel like you are trapped. You can leave anytime. If you are unsatisfied with his progress to repair the marriage, then leave him.

4) If you're not getting what you want, then go out and get it. If you can't find it, then go look somewhere else.

[Gemini54]

I think that there are a number of issues here.

The first is your weight and the second is that your husband is a fool with his money.

Your husband has been honest with you about not finding you attractive since you've put on weight. I think that this is entirely reasonable and is an excellent reason for you to do something about it. You may have hormonal problems, but if you speak to your doctor or a dietitian or even Weight Watchers, you can do something about it. Make the effort, get some exercise you'll feel better about yourself and so will your husband.

The second issue is slightly more difficult. I suggest that you speak calmly with your husband about keeping the PIN a secret and not asking anyone else to get money from the ATM for him. Why does he do this? Could you withdraw money at the start of each week and give it to him instead? Hopefully, he has learnt from his mistakes!

Try to not take either of these issues personally, marriages always have their dramas which may feel overwhelming at the time, but it's how we deal with them that's important.

[tashaD]

It is easy to say that I need to loose the weight, but you have no idea. I have been to the doctor and he told me that there is no hope. I eat right, and walk and play and dance, just to try and maintain the weight. He knew I had the problem before we got married. I told him that as soon as we start to plan a family I will need to go off treatment and I will pick up weight, and I might not be able to loose it again. I picked up 15kg in the 11 years that we are together, is that so bad?

[N0help4u]

He keeps secrets from you because you get mad and scream... well what does he expect if he is doing stupid stuff that to me puts his friends over consideration for you?

He doesn't seem to care if they have his money. I have a feeling he may be letting them have it with his permission and making it look like they are just welcome to whatever
But anyway

He doesn't sound like he would be willing to or want to go to counselling

I think you need to leave him

Guys like this don't change
And when guys complain about your weight to make it an issue it proves one of two things (or the combination of them)
Either/or
He is shallow
He is just trying to distract from the real problems/issues which is himself.

[tashaD]

Just want to add this to explain my hormonal problem:

Obesity or persistent weight gain is a common feature of polycystic ovarian syndrome. Many women find it almost impossible to lose weight, even when on a strict diet. It seems that every calorie that is eaten is stored as fat.
This is a very difficult area for overweight women with PCOS who are constantly told by their care providers that they must lose weight. The very disease that is worsened by the excess weight conspires against them in this quest, making weight loss more difficult than usual. There is no one-shot, sure fire answer and the key is a combination of strict calorie reduction combined with aerobic exercise as part of a supervised programme.

According to this the 15-20kg I gained in 11 years and having a baby is not that bad. I am 1.65 and weigh 82kgs, I am NOT obese!

[Gemini54]

just want to add this to explain my hormonal problem:

Obesity or persistent weight gain is a common feature of polycystic ovarian syndrome. Many women find it almost impossible to lose weight, even when on a strict diet. It seems that every calorie that is eaten is stored as fat.
This is a very difficult area for overweight women with PCOS who are constantly told by their care providers that they must lose weight. The very disease that is worsened by the excess weight conspires against them in this quest, making weight loss more difficult than usual. There is no one-shot, sure fire answer and the key is a combination of strict calorie reduction combined with aerobic exercise as part of a supervised programme.

According to this the 15-20kg i gained in 11 years and having a baby is not that bad. I am 1.65 and weigh 82kgs, i am NOT obese!

I never mentioned the word 'obese', all I indicated was that if the weight was an issue for you and your husband, you could think about losing some. I think that that is a reasonable assumption on my part.

I don't believe that the combined weight and money issues warrant throwing away your marriage. Surely the issues are not insurmountable! You have a young child that needs a father, and I suspect that you need love and support from your husband.

You need to hang in there. See a marriage counselor or a financial counselor. Get some exercise and show your husband that you're making an effort to be fit and healthy. You'll feel better and so will he.

No relationship is perfect and couples often have issues with each other. Good marriages are built on surviving difficult times and hanging in there to work out the problems.