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Skell · Oct 24, 2006, 08:13 PM

Is it?

bj_1964 · Oct 24, 2006, 08:26 PM

Yes, I honestly believe that in order to move on, I need to know one way or another. Even if it is the worst, at least I would know, and know what I need to do to move on with my life. Hanging by a thread and not knowing the truth is not a fun place to be.

Skell · Oct 24, 2006, 08:30 PM

I know its not, I've been there and I agree with you.

So go and get the answers then..

Just be prepared that you may not get any. There aren't always answers unfortunately.

Im 7 months down and don't really have answers. You learn to live with it and you still manage to move on!

But you know what you have to do so do it! Don't let fear hold you back!

bj_1964 · Oct 24, 2006, 08:36 PM

Thanks Skell! The way I look at it if I don't get answers this time around, it is actually an answer that it is over.

Skell · Oct 24, 2006, 09:17 PM

I think you are right.

That's what I was trying to get at all along!

momincali · Oct 24, 2006, 09:55 PM

Originally Posted by bj_1964

Valinors-- Sorry your last post only partially showed when I replied and ended after your third sentence. I did not see the portion about communications. What is your suggestion. All the other posts I read here stress "no contact", yet after reading your posts you seem to have a better understanding of the situation than others. I am really not trying to play games with managing the phones, but other posts say not to come on too strong. I really do want to help her and be there for her, regardless of how the relationship turns out. I had thought about sending a short text message to say "hi" or writing her a short letter, would this be a better way to try and start some communication again? I don't want to come across as "clingy" or pushy, but don't want to ignore her either.

I think Val gave you some very good advice and insight.

While I think it's noble of you to want to help her and be there for her, I think that right now it may be wiser to strengthen yourself first. I don't know how helpful you can be if you're in agony over the loss of your relationship with her. I think in this instance, you need to consider putting yourself first. Once you believe you are standing strong on your own two feet, by all means, be there for her.

bj_1964 · Oct 25, 2006, 10:13 AM

Well, after giving this much thought I have decided to stay with no contact for now. All the things that I want to say to her and ask her I have already done. I don't think "one more try" will do any good. Like I said in my previous posts, she says all the right things, but her actions do not back up what she is saying. From past experience my gut tells me that there is someone else she is interested in, or is thinking about dating others.

I really feel that she got scared off when she saw that I was the type of person that she was looking for. Even two years after her divorce she still has issues seeing her ex, and I think the thought of settling down again scared the **** out of her.

The sad part is I think the day will come that she wakes up and realizes what she gave up, but I am not so sure I would want to take a risk with her again after the lack of honesty over this breakup.

Mom is right, I need to put myself first, which I have started doing this week. I have quit smoking (might as well add to the stress level!) and have started working out again.

Thanks to all for you input and advice, it really did help to come up with the decision that is best for me.

valinors_sorrow · Oct 25, 2006, 10:15 AM

Well done BJ.

Wildcat21 · Oct 25, 2006, 11:16 AM

Yes - no contact - I think you were there too much for this women - smothered.

bj_1964 · Oct 28, 2006, 07:40 PM

Kind of having a bad night. Plans with my buddies fell through and I heard through some mutual friends she was going out dressed up for halloween tonight. Also found out that she has been seeing someone. Sounds like she has been hitting the party life pretty hard, so much for needing time to get her life in order.

I have maintained no contact and it has been over two weeks since I last heard from her. Strange the other night though, my cell phone rang for about two seconds with her number on the caller ID. It was late on Tuesday night, so my best guess is she was out again and hit my number by accident.

Still focusing on myself. Working out daily and have made it three days without smoking!

Skell · Oct 29, 2006, 04:02 PM

You will have bad nights. But you just have to take them in your stride. When you are call a buddy you trust and tell him. Maybe you can meet up with him for a beer (not too many though).

So she is seeing someone else already and hitting the party scene? She isn't dealing with this correctly and it will come back to bite her.

Don't worry about what other people tell you about her. Don't worry about her or what she is doing. I have made this mistake and it doesn't help YOU.

After all that is your prority now. Looking after YOU.

Keep going the way you are. You'll get through this.

bj_1964 · Oct 29, 2006, 05:18 PM

Thanks Skell. I know there will be bad days but it sure doesn't make them any easier! I can't believe an eight week relationship has gotten to me almost as badly as my divorce did 10 years ago!

With her partying I am starting to wonder if our age difference did play a part. She is 32 and I am 42. I thought that 32 with two children would make for a mature person, but I guess I was wrong!

Skell · Oct 29, 2006, 05:51 PM

Your probably right.

I guess it is a good lesson for you then as well. That you let someone you don't really know hurt you so bad. Not so much her fault, but yours. Invested too much in her without really knowing her!

Im sure you'll come good. Just keep posting as long as you want!

bj_1964 · Oct 29, 2006, 06:06 PM

Yes, I definitely take a lot of the blame in this.

Thing is she hit all the right buttons with things she said early in the relationship. She was constantly telling me how great I was with the kids and how they needed my positive influence. She also talked about having another child with me. That is a weak point for me as I have always wanted children, but it has never worked out.

I guess this is a good example of why it is important to go slow at the beginning, no matter how good or right it seems. Sad part is I was really good at going slow in the ten years since my divorce. I did have on serious relationship right after my divorce that I ended. For the last 7 years I have dated but not found anyone I wanted to get serious with until this last one.

Skell · Oct 29, 2006, 06:57 PM

Its OK.

We are allowed to let our guard down occosionally.it certainly doesn't appear that you were the only guilty party here though!

Let her go party. Look after yourself!

bj_1964 · Oct 29, 2006, 07:40 PM

Thanks again Skell. It does help to let out my frustrations here! It's been another hard day knowing there is a Halloween party going on that I was supposed to go to with her and the kids.

You know the funny part is, the longer I go with "no contact" the more I am thinking that I may not even want her back. If she is capable of treating me this way once, she could do it again if we were ever to get back together.

Wildcat21 · Oct 29, 2006, 09:20 PM

"I thought that 32 with two children would make for a mature person, but I guess I was wrong!" - Dude - I know a 45 year old women with 3 kids who is totally confused and imature with men - she kind of going thorugh her wild girl stage at age 45! Because she never had one. I know it's really unhealthy on her kids - I bet this partying is really unhealthy on this ladies kids.

bj_1964 · Nov 5, 2006, 08:50 PM

Well it's been over three weeks since we talked I am sticking with the "no contact" advice. Things are getting the slightest bit easier, but the weekends are still hard at times.

I know I shouldn't dwell on what she is doing, but I am still confused over her statements that she didn't want to end things and just wanted to slow down and see where the relationship would go. I am sure she is seeing someone else, so I do feel like I have been cheated on to some degree.

Strange part is her marriage ended over two years ago because she caught her ex cheating on her. We had long talks about this and I really didn't think it was in her to do the same to someone else.

Still keeping the focus on myself. Over one week of no smoking and am finally getting back into shape. I do have to admit that no contact has been good for me and I am finally starting to have some good moments and days again.

Wildcat21 · Nov 5, 2006, 09:27 PM

Go for you - keep upthe exercise.

Sorry to say - but it usually always is another guy. It was an alibi to say 'slow down' = I've heard it before - seen my friends go through it - at that moment you say - Ok. If she wanted to go slow she would have called.

This time for you is to get your spine back and improve.

Stay wit hthe no contact and I,prove yourself - I know for a fact divorced women need to date a lot - her self esteem was shot.

Skell · Nov 5, 2006, 09:28 PM

Well them good moments that you feel are attributed to the no contact (and they are) should be enough for you to continue on that path.

Who cares what she is doing! Who cares if she is seeing someone else?
Let them have her. If she is it won't. Another rebound.

You will get through it. It is hard but I think your doing a great job so far!