[Starry nights]

My best friend is getting married very shortly.The guy she's getting married to is also my school friend.It was me who got them introduced but obviously the choice of marrying each other was entirely theirs.

The problem is with my school friend's family(lets call him A).Now A's family never actually liked my best friend(lets call her R).For whatever reason R doesn't fit into their category of the perfect bride for their beloved son.A's family's very orthodox,to the extent of being outdated and holding onto ancient ideas.Especially why is A's ma,who's leaving no stone unturned to make R's life miserable.

Not only is A's ma behaving rudely with R,she's also behaving abominably with R's family and her behaviour has shocked the living daylights of everyone,including me and my family who have known A and his family since quite some time.

R and A have been very composed about the whole thing.They love and support each other(though to admit it,I don't actually know how supportive A is,just that he wants R in his life and wants the whole marriage thing to get over and done with and move out of his parents domain so that they can start living alone.Now,I don't know if that's escapism or just wanting to stay away from silly parents).R suffers when each incident takes place but the issue is she never takes it up with A.She keeps saying A knows how silly his ma is being and she doesn't want to cause more tension.She keeps saying she would deal with this with A,later,in private since she doesn't want to pick fights/start arguments with A on every small matter.She calls it strategic planning since she wants to appear in control and supportive.

Today was the last straw.A's ma was totally foolish over a very small issue like choosing the furniture for their new apartment.She insisted on having it her way and R decided to keep silent again.A was very conveniently not present on the scene.I had asked R to have a very clear discussion with A,express her feelings,her hurt and stress and just share the whole incident with him.But again R refused,stating that she chose to remain silent over this as she knew A already had his ma's version of the stupid story and in any case with the wedding being only 10 days away,she's not in a mood to fight over such stuff.

I tried to make her understand she was playing it safe,trying to sidestep from issues,trying to make it easy for A by not sharing her stress with him.If she was so sure of A and their relationship,why was she getting cold feet in just talking to him?

My question is,my best friend's wellbeing is of prime importance to me.Is she doing the right thing by keeping mum,dealing with it stoically rather than vocally?Shouldn't she be more assertive,instead of feeling scared of upsetting the status quo?

Need opinions so that I can understand her better and give her better advice.

[N0help4u]

Well her not standing up to her means she has to live with it. She has to sit in furniture that her mother in law picked out thinking about how HER wedding went her mother in laws way

She needs to get him to stick up for her now. What if it doesn't get any better after the wedding and she finds out that he still goes along with ma's ways.

Sounds like ma is going to interfere with every last detail.

[jham123]

^^No, it is not HER place to stand up to the mother... it is the Son that needs to take a stand and protect his woman.

OP, if She marries him "BEFORE" he puts his mother in her place... he'll not do it afterward.

They must cleave to each other (biblical) and make a new family. Sanctity of marriage is more important that your parents at this stage of the game. This has nothing to do with Honoring thy parents.

When two people are getting married, then ALL outsiders are to be viewed as just that "Outsiders", if they cross the line and disrupt the marriage then they should be treated as a threat from that point forward.

Once a person demonstrates that they have no qualms about hurting either party in a marriage, they are now the thorn in the side that must be plucked and discarded.

Am I saying that the mother should be completely this associated with?? Until she can demonstrate that her behavior is no longer detrimental to the sanctity of Marriage... then yes.

Red Flags OP... RED FLAGS for "R"

Sometimes, it takes more then love to make a marriage work. The dating process is the time we need to determine if someone is right for us. For this guy to stand back and allow his mother to disrupt things... during the engagement... it's not going to get better after they are wearing rings.

R needs to be adult enough to make a rational decision RIGHT NOW...

[Starry nights]

^^No, it is not HER place to stand up to the mother....it is the Son that needs to take a stand and protect his woman.

OP, if She marries him "BEFORE" he puts his mother in her place....he'll not do it afterward.

They must cleave to each other (biblical) and make a new family. Sanctity of marriage is more important that your parents at this stage of the game. This has nothing to do with Honoring thy parents.

When two people are getting married, then ALL outsiders are to be viewed as just that "Outsiders", if they cross the line and disrupt the marriage then they should be treated as a threat from that point forward.

Once a person demonstrates that they have no qualms about hurting either party in a marriage, they are now the thorn in the side that must be plucked and discarded.

Am I saying that the mother should be completely dis associated with??? Until she can demonstrate that her behavior is no longer detrimental to the sanctity of Marriage.......then yes.

Red Flags OP....RED FLAGS for "R"

Sometimes, it takes more then love to make a marriage work. The dating process is the time we need to determine if someone is right for us. For this guy to stand back and allow his mother to disrupt things....during the engagement....it's not going to get better after they are wearing rings.

R needs to be adult enough to make a rational decision RIGHT NOW......

I agree with both Jham123 and Nohelp4u... in fact that's what I have been suggesting R to do,at least have a conversation and share all this stuff.After all,getting married to A doesn't mean she's the only one who has to take on the burden of the marriage.

R's point is she doesn't want to appear confrontational and upset by her this scheming,manipulative ma-in-law to-be.Sometimes I feel she's trying to project a "holier-than-thou"image in order to seem different from A's ma,so that A,of his own accord ,wakes up and rises to the occasion.

Being an observer to the whole thing,I know A won't do what R thinks he will,i.e,realise suddenly that his ma is hurting R.He needs to be told.But R,in spite of being a modern-day,independent,career-woman has decided to remain silent and wait it out.

I have been noticing that if I try to make her understand too much,she's getting into a state where she feels I am trying to upset her before her marriage and provoke a fight between her and A.Which is why I am not saying anything but I know she's not happy.

Any idea how to make her see sense?

[Jake2008]

I think it is safe to say that the bride to be has made it pretty clear what her choices are, and she's well aware of the problem with the mother in law to be.

I think you should butt out yourself. You are putting pressure on her as well. What do you hope to accomplish by being meddlesome. Stop the wedding? Have her go through a big blow out with her fiancé just before the wedding? I don't see what good can come of your opinions of how she has decided to live her life.

She is well aware of the boorish, selfish, and aggressive ways of her soon to be in-law, likely far more aware than you, because she has to live with it. Her choice.

You would do well to be supportive and positive where you can be, and keep your opinions to yourself.

I suspect that spaghetti will hit the fan soon enough, and I hope that she can feel she can turn to you without being judged and in a 'I told you so' situation.

I do not disagree with what you say, and she is lucky to have someone look out for her, and care enough to express her opinions. But, this is not something you have any control over.

It is a boundary that, being 10 days from the wedding, should not be crossed. As hard as it is, my opinion is, keep silent about her mother in law.

[Starry nights]

Thanks Jake--I think you are right.No matter what,at the end of the day,its her choice and I certainly don't want to play the villain of the piece and get her upset over this.

I know she knows I will always be there for her,like I know she will,when I need her.

Besides,after a point,marriages are really about the two people getting into it and no matter how much her well-being means to me,a lot of things will change and she has to take her own decisions.

Thanks Jake,for putting it across so straight:)

[Jake2008]

You're most welcome. Sometimes a stranger looking from the outside in sees things a bit differently.

I don't think you'll regret easing off. I think that as time goes on she will need you. It's hard to watch something that you know is going to hurt someone you love, and not be able to stop it.

She's lucky to have a friend like you.

[jham123]

Sorry Jake, I do not agree that she should "Butt out". As a society we are asked to stand at a wedding as a form of approval that the Union take place.

We have become spineless and allow our Friends to make mistakes... Why do you think they still ask "Is there any reason this marriage should not take place, speak now or forever hold your peace"... There was a reason at one time they added that to the ceremony.

Bridesmaids and Groomsmen aren't there just to look good in a mauve dress or a matching cumber bun. If they know something is wrong, they need to "speak now"

The Stranger looking in is the OP... not you...