[Mr Bungle]

I've been with my wife for 10 years and married for 2. We had a baby 3 months ago and since then I've been getting progressively unhappier. Not feeling there is a spark between me and my wife and not as attracted to her as I used to be. I feel I want out and live on my own... couldnt stand to leave my son but for my own sake I feel I need to.

I managed to keep all this in and put on a good front but it all came to ahead the other week when she knew something was up and had said I had changed. I came clean and told her I didn't know how I feel about her anymore and was unhappy. She was shocked and didn't know what to say... as far as she was concerned there was nothing wrong in our relationship and couldn't understand how I could just all of a sudden change and is not prepared to give up on us that easy and let me get out of the situation.

I didn't know myself what was wrong so I spoke to someone about it all and they feel I;ve been drifting along in life happy to go along with what happened, but since our baby came along, I've been reassessing where I'm at in my life and am not happy with where its at. I've always been the one to put others ahead of me so tended to agree with them.

Since then things have been up and down... tension between us on some days and a good happy day the next etc...

The thing is how do I tell her that its over, even though she still loves me and I still care for her, just not in the way that a husband should? I can't go on living a lie anymore but hate to know that I would hurt her so much.

Sorry for rambling... just needed to get it out. Sometimes I think I need to move out for a while but then I don't want it to seem I'm running away. Not sure what to do...

Confused!

[mudweiser]

Hello.

Babies change relationships. It's true. Did you feel a "sudden" change after the baby arrived or was it progressive as her pregnancy went on.

This is normal- to feel this way. She may not be as attractive as before- she just had a baby.

Right now she's giving most of her love and attention to your son, so it's normal to not feel that connection-- she may even slap your hand if you try to become intimate.

This is normal.

However, running away won't fix anything. Why not try marriage counseling. Do you have a pastor to go to? He may also guide you through these tough times.

If your sticking to your guns about leaving then do so. If you don't want to change, if you don't want to fight for your marriage, if you simply just want to quit-- then do so, there is no use on dragging your wife and son into a loveless marriage and creating a negative environment.

Sarah

[Gemini54]

I think that you need to wait a bit and see this through.

You've just had a baby and this can be a really difficult time for a man as the woman's attention is focused on the new child and many, many men feel supplanted emotionally by the baby. I don't think that it's a good idea to leave your marriage now. Leaving now would be really selfish, and you would be leaving your wife to bring up the baby on her own.

You may well be doing some re-evaluation of your life, but what you need to be looking at is how to make the life that you have better, and to make it work for you. If you've been drifting then do something about it - get some direction and get some drive - get some counseling if you have to!

Don't blame your marriage for something that you don't have within yourself. You have a child now and have a responsibility to be a husband and a father.

Leaving is not the solution, but doing something about staying is.

[Chey5782]

You have a 3 month old child with her, after almost 10 years. And THEN you decide you want out?! I'm sorry, there is absolutely no advice I can give you that would not be harsh about this. Of course the physical things are going to be off for a while, she just had a baby. Of course things are different, you two are 10 years older, and there's a new baby.

Do you have any idea how many men feel this way in some fashion, not only after 10 years, but after a child? It's not an excuse to run away, and while you may not want it to seem like you are running away, everything you have just said makes it sound like you are.

If you really feel this way, if you are absolutely serious, and counseling or therapy or even talking much more seriously to your woman about this isn't an option. You need to man up and be honorable about leaving her. Take care of that baby, take care of your responsibility. You might want to leave it all because it doesn't "feel right" anymore. But SHE isn't going to have the option. I would really like to encourage you to at least try, go to counseling together, communicate with her, you owe her that much after ten years. You already shocked her by starting the thought in her head, do you really want to give up completely without trying? For your own sake, consider all of those options available other than simply leaving, you may decide later on that it was a huge mistake and you were just scared. However you decide to do this, make sure you do it informed and with the right frame of mind. Changing your life and your child's life needs to be considered from every route before you act upon it.

[artlady]

I hope you understand that you sound very self centered in this post.
It is all about you and not liking where your life is going right now.

You made a choice and it is your responsibility to see it through.
It isn't just about you anymore ,its about a family.

Babies change everything,that is why it is important to be mature enough to make the decision to have one.

People should never make life changing decisions when they have just experienced a major upheaval in their life.You can't see clearly because you are overwhelmed.

Now is not the time to try to reevaluate your life ,you should have done so before you decided to become a parent.

Now is when you man up and figure out how you make the existing condition better for everyone.You don't run from the responsibility ,you face it and work through it.

That is what Fathers and husbands who have any sense of responsibility do.

Your feelings have changed,well I bet your wife's feelings have changed as well.Get counseling!

You owe that to your wife and your child and in the long run,you also owe it to yourself.

[Torrid13]

LOL Artlady, for your rep, I meant to say

"He ate a big bowl of 'It's All About Me' this morning. Actually probably every morning for MONTHS."

Sorry about that. XD

[503person]

You need to stop focusing on yourself and start thinking of yourself in terms of your family. Can you even imagine how your wife is feeling? She probably feels unattractive because having a baby has a DEVASTATING effect on your body, if not visually then at least how one views her own body. Then her husband of TEN YEARS basically says I don't love you anymore, and now she's facing the possibility of raising a baby on her own because her husband wants to

I want out and live on my own....

Be on his own. Well, tough cookies. You should have thought of that before. You have a family now, and responsibilities, and its not about you. Its about your wife. Your baby.

New mothers can experience postpartum depression. It sounds to me like you are having something like a sympathy postpartum depression. I strongly urge you to consider counseling. If you do end up walking out on your family, it may be something that you could regret tremendously later in life.

As my mother told me, any guy can make a baby, but it takes a real man to be a father.

[Catsmine]

Mr Bungle, you've been yelled at enough here. I only have a couple of questions for you to ask yourself.

My definition of adulthood is accepting responsibility. Are you ready to grow up?

Kids without Dads in the home have a much harder time, statistically. What odds will you give yours?

[jham123]

Mr. Bungle... most of what I wanted to say after reading your post has been said. You are being a selfish Pr*&k.

You've wounded your wife by telling her what you did. Guess what smart guy, that wound may never heal with her... You better pull your head out and go and eat crow... hopefully you can convince her that someone slipped something in your drink and it wasn't how you really fell at all.

And your Son... Are you kidding me? My 17 year (today is his 17th BDay) as well as the other three are the reason for my existence at this stage in the game. It's all about the Children.

I can see that you think the 2 month old may not offer you anything. Guess what? Embrace the role as Father. The rewards that await you are unforeseen by you yet they are so priceless... so much so that a fortune in gold cannot buy it. Only the life experience can.

[N0help4u]

LOVE is not a feeling
LOVE = commitment

feelings come and go and the grass isn't greener on the other side.

[Fr_Chuck]

First you keep it in, and then it all came out, you talk and work though each small issue as they come up.

Next you understood that you also decided ( I will assume) to have a child, this changes your roles to each other and to the child.

And love is not sex it is loving them no matter what happens.