[srk1102]

Hi everyone, I've asked a previous question about my feelings for my best friend. I will try to make a summary then ask my question. Pretty much Ive been bestfriends with my guyfriend for 3 yrs. He was in long relationship of 4 yrs and broke up with his ex last yr in July. Ive never looked at him as more than a friend and was never attracted to him. Like 4 months after their breakup I started to become physically attracted to him, and I found out he was as well, but we didn't like each other emotionally. We started hooking up, but we also become closer as friends on an emotional level and became very connected. We also would sleep in the same bed and cuddle and give each other long hugs whenever we would see each other.

Months went by and he started to ask me if I had feelings for him or liked him, I honestly didn't feel so. Usually when I liked a guy I was really flirty and girly, but with him I wasn't. I thought maybe I had a crush or was just attached because we did stuff or because we were so close. I kept telling him no, and when I asked him on his side he said the same things as well. Then in this past May we went to a party and there was a girl who was very drunk and kissed all the guys there. My friend made out with her because he felt bad if he pushed her away and the girl was going to the military and never going to see anyone again so he didn't want to embarrass her. I felt so numb seeing him do that, that I realized that I had deep feelings for him the whole time and I never had realized it. I cried so much and am still so unhappy, that he would never feel that way. Since me and him were keeping what we did secret I didn't know who to talk to about how I felt and for the past couple of months it was eating me inside and coming out in different ways, like all the fights me and him would get in.

I was such in a depression I felt that I either had to tell him or a therapist since I couldn't tell anyone. I had to reschedule a meeting and our fights were getting bad. We argued all weekend when he was out of town on the phone. He came back and we made up, but this whole time Ive been telling him that I had family prob that's why Im so sad all the time but I can't tell u.

My friend also has a weird thing about him. He sleep talks sometimes and I can ask him questions and have convos with him. He may lie to my face about something but when he sleep talks is always true. In may when I found out my feelings I asked him in his sleep does he like me. He says it isn't like like, but he knows its more than friends. But that wasn't enough for me to confess. Fast forward to July. Also I forgot to add we got an apt together and agreed that we would stay together until I finished ungrad and masters because I needed help with money, and etc and he needed a roommate as well. So when he came back after the weekend of arguing and make up, he falls asleep. I asked him in his sleep how he feels for me again, and I also tell him that I have feelings for him and Im going to have to distance myself from him and not talk to him for awhile. He starts crying in his sleep saying he should have never got close and Im acting the way his ex and othe friend did who hurt him. He says that I should have been like him because when he started haivng feelings for me and I supposedly noticed like a mth ago he totally cut off all emotion. You see when he was asking me if I liked him, I got afraid he would find out, so I said negative things to him and that I would never go out with a guy like him. He said it hurt him so much that it helped him get over me in like a month, not sure though. But yet we kept sleeping together and I never knew he felt like that. It shocked me so much that I had ruined it for myself that I woke him up and confessed everything.

I cried so much and since then and we've had to distane ourselves a bit. We don't sleep in the same bed, and he's tried not to hug me or play around as much with me. That made me upset so we still hug and everything but we don't sleep in the same bed anymore. I asked him while he was sleeping if he had feelings for me still, and he's like "Sure I do, but I'm confused abt them cause we are so close". I've asked him face to face and he told me that he didn't like me, but he had a crush on me so it was never strong like liking someone. Ive been wondering if he's in the same situation as me. Even me I thought I just had a crush on him, it wasn't until the girl who kissed him to make me realize that I had feelings the whole time. Maybe he is confused because since we are close and we did stuff it blocking his way to truly seeing. I then thought maybe he needs a trigger. I told him Im going to start dating to get over (I was faking) and he's like I don't agree and I don't want to know about your personal life. I even was like I need you to help me pick out clothes and he's like no, I asked him why is he acting like this and he says I don't know. Later I asked him again about why he won't agree, that he should be there to support, and I asked him why he was saying I don't know. He just said because I wouldn't stop asking and he doesn't want to see me hurt that's why he doesn't want to know. But he still says he confused but his only reason is that we are so close and we've done stuff, but he knows he doesn't like me, but he's confuses, etc. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should move on, but if there is a chance at hope I don't want to give up. But his mindset is if it was supposed to have happened it would have and so I don't want to wait forever and expect him to realize cause time may make him even more assure that there is nothing there. He said in his sleep that when he had feelings he was able to differentiate but since he cut them off he can't tell. I feel if I go out with guys, it may have him think differently about me and really separate his feelings.

Please give me advice, should I wait or give up hope or try something? Our freindship is being affected and we are fighting so much now

[jmw0713]

You're confused about him and your friendship, because you are sleeping with him.

I then thought maybe he needs a trigger. I told him Im going to start dating to get over (I was faking)

You gave mixed signals and have been playing games through out this whole relationship! Since sex was thrown in, he is now confused about how he sees you, while you are now falling in love with him. Since you didn't communicate how you really felt, he took that to mean that you just wanted sex and nothing else. Now that you want more than that, he has had the opportunity to get over any feelings he had with you, while you were still playing games.

True friends don't sleep with each other. Stop having sex and everything will become more clear and less complicated for the both of you.

As far as waiting...

You have been fighting back and forth and waiting for him to make a decision. Have you made progress this way? Doesn't look like it. Never wait for anyone to make up their mind about whether they like/love you or not. You should go out and have fun with other friends and maybe consider seeing other people.


Either way, it's time for both of you stop playing games with each other and make a choice. Either be strictly friends and live your own lives, or go you separate ways.

Since there is so much confusion between you both right now, a true BF/GF relationship doesn't look good right now.

[srk1102]

Yeah I blame myself for not telling him how I feel, but I was afraid and I was hoping that if I was able to make him realize he wouldn't be confused. I'm going to just move on to save our friendship.

[jmw0713]

That would probably be for the best. Things between you two need to settle down a bit.