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felipemagalhaes · Jul 29, 2009, 01:06 PM

Hi. I am a 20 year old gay male. About 5 months ago I met this wonderful guy, we hit off from moment 1. The attractions was beyond anything I had experienced before. We had sex on the first date, second, third etc... I fell for him after a week, he was amazing, I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be with him. After 6 weeks sex began to decrease to once every 2 weeks. After 2 months to once every 3, and finally no sex since hour 2 months and a half "anniversary". I am in love with him. I tried not mentioning it, then I tried asking him if he wasn't attracted to me any longer, he always said no, and that he thought I was beautiful and incredibly sexy. Then the making out stopped, only occasional pecks. He told me that he was afraid of intimacy, but after I brought it up kissing became OK again, but never like it used to be. He told me he loved me this past Sunday for the first time. I was very happy. This is a guy I really Love and that I don't want to loose. Last night I was laying in bed, he came and started kissing me, and giving me signals that we would have sex, but then he didn't get hard at any point. And then he said "something is not working". We talked for about 2 hours, and he told me that since he broke up with his ex boyfriend 2 years ago, (it was a nasty break up they had been living together for 3 years, and he's boyfriend was after his money, any way bad relationship) he had been having sex a lot with random people he would meet online or at clubs. And he told me he began to think of sex as "means to an end" and that since he loved me, he couldn't do it because it isn't a hook up anymore. It would be intimate and have a deeper meaning. He says he doesn't want to hurt me, and that I have been perfect to him, and that I bring a lot of joy into his life, and that he didn't want a relationship at all, but I was making it hard because he didn't want to loose me and he enjoyed me in every level.

I haven't slept in days, all I do is worry about him, I have done everything I could, I love him with all my heart, I want him to want me like he did when we first met, and he says that he was so sexual at first because it was still a "one night stand" status. As soon as he realized I began to really care about him the sex stopped. And he says that whenever he is trying to have sex with me all he can't think about is how intimate it will me and how much it will mean. We tried braking up twice before, he comes back to me starts to charm me all over again. I can't let him go. Everybody told me I should leave him, I am young and need somebody who will want me all the time, but I don't want anyone else, I want him. I even slept with several people during our short break ups, but it's not the same. He is the one I want. We will meet tonight to talk a bit more, and I know he gets very touchy about the subject, and the Idea that he might be depressed will prob piss him off.

What can I do/say, how can I solve this. How can I get him to love me in bed the same way he did before?

Justwantfair · Jul 29, 2009, 01:11 PM

How young are you?
You seem a bit infatuated, more then love.
Five months seems long when you are extremely young, but that is not a long time for a relationship. And a very short time to truly know a person.
Is he willing to go to counseling?

felipemagalhaes · Jul 29, 2009, 01:13 PM

I am 20, so very young indeed. I know 5 moths don't count for much, I do feel like I know him though, we've been very honest with each other. He is 27 years old. I don't think he would want to do that. I don't think he wants it to become an "official" problem...

Justwantfair · Jul 29, 2009, 01:18 PM

Well I think that there is a stable foundation for some good communication about this situation going on so far. He seems open to discussing the problem he is having, disconnecting with his inner 'freeness' back to something for a stable relationship.

Continue to work with him to build your love. Find new relationship ways to attract him, things that are more about stability then random sex acts. If he was attracted before with adequate communication you both should be able to reconnect sexually.

felipemagalhaes · Jul 29, 2009, 01:23 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Well I think that there is a stable foundation for some good communication about this situation going on so far. He seems open to discussing the problem he is having, disconnecting with his inner 'freeness' back to something for a stable relationship.

Continue to work with him to build your love. Find new relationship ways to attract him, things that are more about stability then random sex acts. If he was attracted before with adequate communication you both should be able to reconnect sexually.

Thank you so much. It's great to hear it's not all lost. That's what I want to do, communicate... I'm just too afraid he will start to get annoyed with having problems and want out. And I know that if that's the case then I should be glad to see the back of him... But in reality things are much harder than what I expected them to be...

artlady · Jul 29, 2009, 01:25 PM

Pushing the issue is counter productive.If he is having erection difficulties,try to be physical without having an orgasm be the anticipated result.

The pressure to perform will only make him frustrated and may compound the problem.

Try cuddling and stroking and just plain old making out.

There are many ways to express love and sex is just one.

I would say back off for now and while it is good to keep a dialog going about this,I would not make it a priority.
Put it on the back burner for a while and see if that does not improve things.

Also,he could offer to take care of your needs or you could suggest it,but not for a time.

Give it a rest for now and concentrate on the other aspects of your relationship.

felipemagalhaes · Jul 29, 2009, 01:32 PM

That also sounds like a good idea. I think he is tired of talking about it. He says he has no problem when I get off with his help of things like that, he even says it pleases him. We cuddle every single night. Yesterday I suggested that we cooled off for a bit. I think it might help if we just let it go for a while, no pressure.

It's hard for me because I have several anxiety issues, so I can't help but create false expectations and false hope, and I have been working very hard on keeping it real, and accepting that I do not have control over the situation.

Thank you for taking your time to answer, it means a lot to me.

felipemagalhaes · Jul 29, 2009, 01:59 PM

I would still very much like to hear what others have to say. Thank you

Gemini54 · Jul 29, 2009, 04:12 PM

Backing of sounds like a good idea to me. The whole thing sounds very intense and you sound (no offense) a bit anxious and needy.

Your BF has been honest with you about why his sex drive has decreased, now you need to give him the benefit of the doubt and some time to adjust to being in an intimate relationship.

It's probably important to take the time to get to know each other now - spend a weekend away together, go to the movies - talk to each other about what you want in life, your interests, your hopes your fears.

Take the emphasis off sex and don't be in each others pockets the whole time. You both have lives outside of the relationship - try and live them.

It also sounds as if there are too many expectations in the relationship too soon - relationships are meant to be fun and to bring happiness to your life - focus on the fun and your connection - rather than trying to have the 'perfect' relationship.

felipemagalhaes · Jul 29, 2009, 04:22 PM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

Backing of sounds like a good idea to me. The whole thing sounds very intense and you sound (no offense) a bit anxious and needy.

Your BF has been honest with you about why his sex drive has decreased, now you need to give him the benefit of the doubt and some time to adjust to being in an intimate relationship.

It's probably important to take the time to get to know each other now - spend a weekend away together, go to the movies - talk to each other about what you want in life, your interests, your hopes your fears.

Take the emphasis off sex and don't be in each others pockets the whole time. You both have lives outside of the relationship - try and live them.

It also sounds as if there are too many expectations in the relationship too soon - relationships are meant to be fun and to bring happiness to your life - focus on the fun and your connection - rather than trying to have the 'perfect' relationship.

Thank you. You are right. We do talk about everything, and we spend most of our times together, and obviously not sexually. Next weekend we will be going away, but with some of his friends, hopefully it will be good!