[saturnsgurl]

I’ve been married since Feb 07. Ours was a love marriage and before we decided to formalize our relationship we lived together since May 2002. Initially everything was perfect and I do hold to a few fond and good memories of those days.
Towards the second year of our relationship there were certain habits of my hubby that started bothering me. It was mainly sexual. I noticed that he loved watching pornographic movies which grew into a bad habit of him watching the same everyday which further increased to at least twice or thrice a day. When questioned about habit he would always have an explanation and justification of the same. Maybe it was this reason why our sexual life together started getting strained. He started getting very rough with me in bed; pulling my hair, pushing me down roughly, force and pain became the order of every intimate time we ever spent together. Then it was Anal Sex.
I do understand that all couples experiment and it is healthy to experiment, but I also know that if a couple has tried something and if one is uncomfortable with a certain act, there is always respect for ones feelings. However HE always tried to convince me to give him Anal sex saying that I was useless in bed otherwise or that I should open my mind and it was my Christian values that were blocking my mindset. This went on for a long time and our sexual life as partners and as a married couple got strained.
Somehow I knew that I was emotionally dependent on HIM (he made me that way) and I also knew that he came from a troubled family and had a very disturbing childhood and I thought that loving him no matter what would help him get over his past. And truth is the rest of the time we spent together was always perfect... probably because we lived together for so long... shared each other’s secrets and always stuck together.
I started working since 2003 and my husband was off and on jobs until 2005. We got married in Feb 07. Immediately after marriage I was transferred (June 07) from work to Malaysia for a year. My husband came with me since he was still not working. Things were pretty much the same during the one year we spent in Malaysia and upon the completion of the 1yr we returned to Bangalore in June 08. By Sept of last year his constant asking for Anal sex started becoming a demand. He would try and convince me in various ways saying that I had an Ego problem and the only way to get rid of my ego was to suffer physical pain. That’s when he first started getting physically violent with me when he didn’t get his way. He pushed me against the wall and pushed my ribcage up threatening me and that’s also the first time I realized that I was scared of him. He kept both my debit cards with him and in spite of me working and earning for us I would still need to ask him for pocket money for my food expenses at work.
It was in April of this year, on Good Friday (I still remember that day) was when he beat me, slapped me, dragged me from one room to the other, asked me to strip naked and hit me most of that morning.
That’s when I first complained to his father and my parents about the same. He would leave me be during the week but all our fights would only happen during the weekends. That’s when he would demand anal and I would refuse and that would trigger him off. I could not and still cannot understand WHY. He’d say he loved me but all I found him doing was breaking me emotionally. On the 7th June09, ‘twas a Sunday afternoon and he was again trying to force me to have anal sex with him. But I put my foot down and refused. He sulked for almost 2hrs and then started verbally lashing me and he made me sit in the room, look him in the eye while he kept talking. This went on until midnight and then when I told him I was tired and was going to bed that’s when he started slapping me. He threw me on the bed and hit me numerous times….he then held my throat and threatened to kill me. It was always threats but he would never go all the way. He then went back to his favorite entertainment room….while I went to the living room where I spent the rest of the night.
I woke up early the next day (8th June09), it was a holiday for us. I remember spending most of my day on the balcony to avoid any confrontation with HIM. By 4pm he started again... asking me a number of times what I wanted to do... he'd keep doing this to me... just asking questions... irrelevant questions and when I’d say I didn’t know the answer to his question he'd say make up an answer and then hit me again. I ran to the balcony because I was scared and HE had this look in his eyes that I’ve never seen before. He then took the knife from the kitchen and asked me to get back inside the house or else he would cut me up... so I did.
He then made me sit on the wooden box and asked me to cut my wrist if I loved him... I refused... then he started stabbing the knife in the box close to my leg... that’s when I decided that it was time for me to go and I called my brother & took that opportunity to walk to the front door and I ran... I ran in my chappals with no money... nothing. My colleague rescued me that day.
Since then his father only returned my Bank cards after one week and a few clothes. Everything I had and invested in my our home I have lost. I feel deserted, betrayed and used. I am still working and I Thank God for my job which has only kept me sane so far.

Was this my fault... did I bring it on by not being an aggressive partner, by giving into him because I thought that loving him would help him forget his horrid childhood? How do I move on when I feel so emotionally handicapped?

[caz1961]

NO! Don't you ever think you brought this on yourself, that's what all abusers tell their victims. I'm glad you got out and I know its hard but I wouldn't even think about going back. He has made you feel worthless under his control and trying to get you to do things that you are uncomftorable with sexually. That's wrong! I feel he must have had some traits of this behaviour in the past and even if he says he will never do it again without serious therapy it will happen. Your life is too valuable to be used and abused like this. You need some healing time and then try to move on with your life with someone that makes you feel happy and loved and appreciates you for what you are.

[winding200]

Saturnsgurl,
I feel so sorry for you. How are you doing today? I care about you as a woman who had a friend in a similar situation. You seem very nice, responsible, and faithful girl, and you did your best to save your marriage. However, please be aware of that you are the victim of the worst abusive marriage. You have been sexually, physically, financially, and emotionally abused in the marriage. I do not know where you live now, but if it happened in US, he could be arrested. You do not have to do anything you hate in sex wise even in marriage. He is very cruel & sick person. He did beat you up not because you did not give him what he was looking for. He would do it anyway to you after find any excuses. He is abuser, who feels empowered and pleasure when he abuse others. It is not repairable. No marriage is worth for such a harsh abuse.

You are confused, blame yourself, very afraid of him, and have very low self-esteem now. It is a typical mentality for battered women for long period time. Your inner person died for the harsh abuse... You are a decent person, deserves a good life, not a sexual slave. Stop blame yourself, (there is no "if I would, should, could" here) do not look back, and move on, run fast as you can.

My concern is about your safety. These type of people always threaten & attacks their spouses if they try to leave them. He will be frustrated and outburst if he has "no one" to abuse. He will try to punish you (it is their logic). Stay tight with your family, protect yourself from the monster. Be careful not to be alone, and do not hesitate to call police or woman's hot line to get help in any case.

If I am you, I will get a new job in a new place (maybe different continent or country), and disappear from this person forever. You can start to a new life in a safe place without worrying about him. You seems smart woman, and try to be financially capable to take care of yourself and build a new life. I guess you know you can legally divorce him without his agreement when you are ready. You can claim your investment legally later as well.

If he ever beg you to come back, and promises he will change, DO NOT EVER listen to him. It is a trap, and you will be in the worst danger. I saw so many women trapped in the loop, and destroyed themselves further. Run when you can! I like to say your life should be brighter (what could be worse anyway), because you are innocent but suffered that much, and God will give you the best life from now on. Please email me if you need emotional support. I will do my best to talk with you. God bless you.

P.S.
Unbelievably, some women go back to the abusive husband because they could not deal with the "fear". They think if they go back, and be nice to them, they would be OK at this time, because he might learn lessons & changed. It is a huge mistake. How many times I ever seen this episode from my friend's case... Her situation got worse, and she got really hurt finally. You should run away completely to save your life!

[talaniman]

There is never an excuse for being beaten, and you good to be out of that situation. You may need some help for a while to get over the physical abuse, and I hope you get the help you need.

So sorry you had to go through this.

[saturnsgurl]

Hi and thank you.

I am well and I take it a day at a time. I am an Indian and live in a cosmopolitan city... unfortunately my folks live quite a distance from where I am so as per my lawyers instructions I have moved into a paying guest accommodation for the time being; firstly for safety reasons and secondly to help me learn to live by myself and to get a hold on ME.

Yes, there are the weaker moments when one just feels like getting back and when some good times that we have experienced together keep coming back, but these days I also do listen to my instincts and take control of my emotions however difficult and heart wrenching it gets.

My heart just feels like a bottomless pit and however much I want to forget and move on I also know that in all reality it will take a lifetime or maybe even never.

[N0help4u]

Good for you
DO NOT turn back
Guys will swear up and down they changed but it is just to trick you into taking them back.

When you lose your own identity to the abuse of a guy that abuses you know it is nothing but a bad situation you need to be totally steered clear of.
You need to find someone that can show you what true love is not dysfunctional control that some guys believe to be love.

[winding200]

It is good to hear from you, and you are safe.
Do not ever consider to go back, and just focus to take card of yourself, heal and move on.
It seems impossible to revover now, but you will surprise. You will see the sun light after dark tunnel finally.
Stay strong. We are all behind of you.