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laxman526 · Jul 23, 2009, 08:12 AM

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, but it will be hard. I was dating a girl long distance for 6 months. I know it doesn't seem very long compared to others on the site. However, we were friends for 4 years. We've admitted to each other that we've always had a mutual attraction, but due to certain circumstances we could never act on them. She moved away to Germany for a while and then ultimately NYC.

After a year in NYC, she calls me up randomly and is stuck at my city's airport and asks if I want to go out for a drink. She spent the night and we decided to give this a try. I visited her in NYC Valentines weekend and we hit it off great. We started seeing each other once a month and spoke on IM and on the phone at least twice daily. I went on Easter vacation with her family at about month 4 and we couldn't have been happier. Both of us admitted that this was a huge step for both of us. Her longest relationship was 4 months (red flag?) and this was big for her. She was unhappy w/ NYC and wanted to move to S. Florida where she's from and asked if maybe I would eventually think about moving down there. She was unsure of moving back to where I was. But I told her I would think about it. She told me no one made her as comfortable as I did.

About a month later, she made plans to visit me on my birthday and I bought her a ticket due to her financial issues. And at that time the worst thing happened and she lost her job. She was devastated and I felt for her. She came to see me anyway, but was obviously stressed. She wanted to leave NYC. Pondered moving to be with me and pondering moving home. I told her at this point that I loved her, but my timing was WAY off and she said she had so much going on in her life, but "we'll figure it out." The trip to see me was bitter sweet, as she decided to go back to NYC. Then she decided to pack up her stuff and move to S. Florida a week after our visit.

Her first two weeks home, she still seemed into the relationship, saying how much she missed me and how she can't wait until we're together again in the same city. She mentioned she wanted to save $$ for a couple months and then move to my city. I could tell she was still on the fence but was supportive no matter what she chose. She started hanging out w/ her g/f's there and sisters, and started becoming distant. Saying she'll call me and doesn't, making up excuses. ALL OF A SUDDEN. I never pressured her into anything. I was always supportive. I bought a ticket to see her a week before the 4th of July. She would be working a lot of the time and her family would be gone, so it would be a good time to just relax and help her out. She calls me two days before and says that she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. She can't give me what I deserve because she doesn't know who she is anymore. She can't be the g/f I deserve blah blah. I was shell shocked. She said I could still come down and stay with her if I wanted to. I said I wouldn't come down there and I had to go and I was upset.

I didn't talk to her for a week and a half. I was so angry and dissapointed. We talked and she seemed so distant. She said pretty much the same. That she's finally with her friends and family and all her support there. I feel so used because I was her main source of support while she was in NYC, and now I'm nothing to her. She said she needs time to think and needs a break for a few months. She says when she moves to where I am she KNOWS that we'll be together and everything will be great. But why would she take this chance to break it off with me? Is she letting me off easy? She said that everyone is there and I'm not there right now and she can't handle having to deal with someone so far away. I am so hurt that she could do that to someone she's known for years and felt so comfortable with earlier. I granted her her space and told I her I would be there for her, but agreed. I haven't spoken to her since. I'm very heartbroken and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Do I contact her a month from now? To see where she's at? Or let her go for good and wait till she magically appears again. Thanks!

Side Notes: I'm 29 she's 25. She's VERY independent. Which attracted me to her. Maybe too independent? I think she may have issues with her father. She never could relate to him growing up and wasn't around much until she was 12 and then her parents had two more girls. Grew up in a family of all women. Maybe she has commitment issues.

N0help4u · Jul 23, 2009, 09:37 AM

When you do something for somebody you should do it whether you benefit or not so don't feel used for being a support to her.

She says she is not ready for a relationship but she hasn't ruled it out. So the answer she is giving is NOT YET.

So you aren't a couple yet so you can't expect too much of anything right now.

She may never come around to wanting a relationship so what you need to do is live each day as if you weren't looking forward to it working out. Get on with your life and if you happen to meet somebody else then she loses. It isn't fair to you for her to keep you on the back burner.

Maybe some day you will get together maybe someday you never will. Don't sit around waiting on her.

laxman526 · Jul 23, 2009, 10:00 AM

I guess the fact that we were so close, we made big strides and worked so hard on this, and then she completely pushed me out so quickly has been the hardest to deal with. I supported her move home because she and I knew she would be happier and it would be easier for us to visit each other. Feel helpless. I think I handled the situation OK, but I still feel like I need more answers. I have gotten over the fact that I probably won't and I do need to move on, but it still hurts, naturally. I haven't been in contact for over a week and will continue that.

vanheart · Jul 23, 2009, 04:31 PM

I know exactly what you're going through.
My ex & I were in a long distance relationship for 5 yrs.
Then, 2 mo. Ago, she dumped over the phone saying she wants to be single.

I never or will get any closure & went NC after 5 days & a couple attempts from her to contact me.

One thing I can say, is that having no opportunity to run into her or seeing our mutual friends is, in fact a god send.

Go NC, be strong. Its extremely hard, but will be worth it in the long run. Learn how to now give to yourself wholly & don't wait around for her.

Read my thread if you want, it's a long one, but may give some insight as to what's ahead...

Goood luck, man.

laxman526 · Jul 24, 2009, 06:07 AM

Thanks vanheart. Yea, every day is getting better. Hitting the gym hard and trying to do things to distract me. Wow, 5 yrs, I couldn't imagine.

Unfortunately most of my friends here are friends with her as well. She used to live where I am and that's how we met. But most everyone is pretty good about not bringing anything up, LOL.

Everyday that goes by I'm learning that what she did and how she handled this was selfish (in my opinion) and I am able to let her go more and more each day. I will read your thread and good luck to you as well.

kctiger · Jul 24, 2009, 06:28 AM

The gym is an AWESOME way to help yourself. I was watching a bio on Abraham Lincoln, and one of the HUGE problems he battled constantly throughout his life was EXTREME depression... over the war, losing his children and especially over the love of his life dying at a young age.

One thing that made him incredible was that rather than drink himself into oblivion or do some other unhealthy coping habit, he would do something incredible... teach himself law, help the masses, whatever. His coping mechanism was to get better.

Anyway, long story, but it is how we cope with extreme losses that can have a profound definition on who we are and who we are to become. Going to the gym and hetting healthier, while on a much smaller scale compared to his exploits, is a great way to do something beneficial rather than to tear yourself down.

laxman526 · Jul 24, 2009, 06:54 AM

Thanks kc. I will admit, the first week I was in self destruct mode because of how angry I was. I mean I took off work, bought a plane ticket, and BAM! Trip over. So I had some free time to unload. After all that, I felt worse than I did before and decided to get back to reality. My confidence is slowly returning. It still stings, but I'm sure it will for awhile.

I know there are people out there with way harder struggles than what I'm going through and I try to keep that in perspective. Its just hard when someone who you thought was also one of your closest friends along with being a g/f could pull something like that. Very disappointing, and that's life. People will disappoint you throughout your life, and I need to get over that. Sad, but true...

talaniman · Jul 24, 2009, 08:53 AM

I can understand her confusion as she is looking for her path to happiness, and you're a big part of it, but all the circumstances of your situation are making it difficult. You taking it so personally doesn't help at all, as the distance is the wedge between you.

Back up, and give her space, and find your own happiness, as your own confusion is stopping you from understanding where she is in her own life.

See the difference between what you want (her), and what she needs (clarity to make sense of her own life.). Only then can she move forward in a reasonable, rational way.

laxman526 · Jul 24, 2009, 09:01 AM

Thanks talaniman. I've read other posts by you and was hoping to get some feedback from you. And space is exactly what I'm giving her. I understand that she's in a tough spot and has been for the past couple months. I guess I'm just frustrated, that's all. I am trying my best to find my own happiness and thanks again for the response. :)

winding200 · Jul 24, 2009, 09:18 AM

Laxman526, you seem a very sweet person and a good material of boyfriend.
I know you are hurt & heartbroken, but in fact, she is very responsible person, and you were not used at all. She is struggling to establish her career, and has a lot of stress beyond your imagination. Have you ever moved around due to the uncertain future & unemployment? Combining the stress with LD relationship is even more stressful to handle.

Let her establish herself first while you stay away from her. You have been so dedicated & supportive, she may will come around after she feel comfortable with her career. If she does not come back, you still keep the good memory of her. It seems you both are very fine people. :)

laxman526 · Jul 24, 2009, 09:27 AM

Thank you for the kind words, winding. Much appreciated. :)

At the risk of sounding selfish, would you not find it inconsiderate to have someone dump you 2 days before you are supposed to fly down? I bought the ticket a week earlier, and certainly she must have been feeling this way then and didn't tell me? I guess I wish it could have been handled differently. But that is in the past now, and have to let that go.

Yes, she is a very headstrong, independent, and responsible woman and I have no doubt she will get back on track in her field (music industry, very tough). I do hope she comes around, but I will take your advice and keep the memory of her if not, as hard as it is. Thanks again.

winding200 · Jul 24, 2009, 09:28 AM

Originally Posted by vanheart

my ex & i were in a long distance relationship for 5 yrs.
then, 2 mo. ago, she dumped over the phone saying she wants to be single.

vanheart,
5 years is way too long to maintain the LD relationship. We all have limitation after for a while in patience wise. Actually your ex has been very very patient, and it is fair to give her credit. She is a nice young lady.

Why didn't you guys get married if you loved her so much? I am curious.

FYI. I have married after 2 yr of LD relationship. We both traveled a lot, but we stayed every weekend. It was doable. If my husband (back then bf) kept me as girlfriend for that long, I would be gone for long time ago.

laxman526 · Jul 27, 2009, 06:56 PM

First of all, I just want to say thank you to everyone on this site. I have read a ton of different people's relationship issues and have learned a lot about this whole process. I want to thank everyone that has responded to my post as well. This has given me new insight and therapy for me.

Today was a tough day. Forgive me for being dramatic, but yes, it has only been two weeks of NC, but I'm really feeling an empty pit in my stomach the last couple of days and wanted to reach out to y'all for some support. I really feel like this is the best, most mature site at tackling these tough relationship issues. I really trust everyone's input here and would really appreciate further advice.

So, I went to the gym today and busted $ss after work, then went to the store, did laundry, etc. Trying to stay busy. I'm a big poker player and started screwing around online, and just started realizing that although I'm trying to stay busy, I'm still sad as hell. From what I gather from everyone's post, is that maybe I am in a unique situation? Maybe not... but I have this urge to make contact. I know it's way too soon. And I'm going to stay strong. Because the longer I wait, I know the better I'll feel in the long run. Its so tough. Yes, I need to give her space to sort out her life and career and I don't understand some of the things she did, but I'm not her. I had a long conversation w/ my roommate and he sort of relates to my ex's issues as some of you here do as well. She's confused, lost, etc. One of the things that she said that she liked about me and was attracted to me, was that I was a stable person her life. I have a great career and a focused path in life. I understand that she is just not there right now and I'm beginning to accept it.

The point of this long winded post is: Is there ever a time that MAYBE, just MAYBE, I need to just shoot a quick text or email to see how she's coming along? Maybe an email in a couple of weeks? I'm sure I'll get an $ss chewing for even thinking about breaking NC, but I do care about her and how she's progressing. As most of you know, it's so hard when you were so close, and now there's nothing...

I know she needs space to sort out what's most important, HER LIFE, but is it really that easy for a woman to forget about someone she supposedly cared about for as long as she has? I mean, we've beaten around this whole thing for years and finally took a shot at it and it was GREAT! But timing just wasn't in our favor.

Thanks again and hope to hear from you all soon. Whether its smacking me around to get back to reality or just some comforting words of advice. LOL, ciao!

kctiger · Jul 28, 2009, 06:33 AM

No, you don't send her an email and you don't ask how she is doing. The short, sweet and beautiful result of NC is that you focus on YOU and only YOU! Do not worry about her. You do whatever you need to do to become your own man, and whatever she does is her business. It remains that way until life brings you both back together (IF that ever happens). Sending her a message will do nothing but bring you back to square one.

laxman526 · Aug 4, 2009, 10:02 AM

Uggghhhhh... today sucks so bad. Just like a lot of others on this forum, I CAN'T GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD!! Its like a disease! I woke up at 6:30am with all of these memories of her and got sick to my stomach thinking about all the things we've done together.

Today marks 3 weeks of NC. I kind of thought for sure that she would have at least tried to get in touch with me by now. I mean, throughout the entire relationship she'd call me at work, my work Blackberry, and my regular cell. Sometimes 2 x's a day. Guess this is "space." Such a cop out. Its funny because she was the one that always reached out to me and said how much she needed me in her life, and bam she's gone just like that. I guess I was too available for her. Whatever... I'm starting to believe that she possibly found someone and that's why she called it off to begin with. I didn't think that at first, but it's starting to hit me that that very well could be the case. Who knows? I guess there's no real sense in worrying about it. If it was just to "sort out her life," then she's doing just that. Hopefully she's finding what she needs, but I guess I wasn't anymore. Such a sick feeling...

This pit in my stomach sucks so bad. I think today I've reached that point in the healing process of Acceptance. I'm accepting that it's over now and it really hurts bad. Good thing though, I've been super busy today for a change at work (taking a few minutes break to vent) and then I'm going to hit the gym hardcore for a workout. But I still feel sick about this. It took me 4 years to finally meet someone that I cared this much about and she pretty much did the same thing as my last one. I guess I didn't learn much from my last relationship. Hopefully this one will teach me something.

Thanks for letting me vent! I'll get through this today. Hopefully tomorrow will be much better.

vanheart · Aug 4, 2009, 10:26 AM

I was exactly like that at 3 weeks.
Even at 2 mo. I still think about her with anxiety.

It all takes time, believe me, I wanted to get rid of the pain as fast as I could. Its tough, but if you work at it & look at things rationally, catering to you not her or us, then healing will start. And stay NC forever, or until your heart is healed.

All the pain now is caused by you. She's done her damage.

So its great that you're busy & working out. Keep that up.

I had many a sleepless night, bad dreams & early mornings. But, I can say. Not so much anymore... That's the result of time & doing the right things to heal.

laxman526 · Aug 7, 2009, 10:26 PM

Well... today was an awesome day. I really like this forum. I've read a lot of other postings here and in all honesty, for the first time I realized that I could have it MUCH worse. Here I am ing about a relationship that lasted; in reality, only 6 months? There are people on this forum that were together for YEARS! I can't imagine the pain of that. I guess my hurt comes from the fact that we knew each other for 4+ years. But whatever, right?

I guess where I was going with this is that I realized I REALLY DO need to move ON!!

I went out w/ my roomie (also my best friend), and hit up one of the trendy parts of town. I have been working on myself (at the suggestion of MANY on this site) and feeling more and more confident about myself every day. The GYM IS THE BEST FOR THIS!! You will feel more and more confident EACH DAY. All of the anxiety goes away so quickly. ESPECIALLY the anger. :)

We hit up this new Mexican place in a trendy part of town (Atlanta is my home). We met so many good lookin' women and had great conversations and numbers. Flight attendants... mind you. ATL is a big airline area. It was just good to get out there socially and feel confident again and get back to the: PERSON I USED TO BE!!

I still have a lot of work to do, but I have to say, I probably wouldn't be doing the healthy things I NEED TO DO FOR MYSELF if it wasn't for this site. I've learned a lot about myself lately, and I've learned that I really need to look out for NUMERO UNO, ME first, right now before I really can be with someone.

More updates soon...

P.S. BIG poker tournament tomorrow... semi pro, so I'm hoping that my good spirits will give me a big cash. :)

greenhaven · Aug 8, 2009, 12:01 AM

Hi laxman, first of all I'm really sorry about your heartbreak. I really sympathize with you because my break up story is VERY SIMILAR to yours (read my thread) and I completely understand what you're going through at the moment. You're doing all the right things -- keeping busy, staying healthy (and as the result increasing that serotonin good-feeling hormone), and doing NC. NC is for you and you alone -- staying away from your ex will allow you to grieve in private, heal, and get back in touch with your own best friend (you). Like you, nighttimes are the worst for me too because I end up thinking about my ex until my head hurts. But it gets easier with time, just like everyone says in the forum. We're all human and we have to deal with pain the best we know how. You're not alone and one day this too will pass. Take it one day at a time just like what you're doing. You sound like a great person and I am sure that you will make the right choices. Keep us posted!

laxman526 · Aug 10, 2009, 06:45 AM

Thanks greenhaven, I appreciate it! Had a great weekend. I'm seeing a glimmer of hope. :) Its hard sometimes though, because memories will pop in my head and I'll get sad again. Its just been a roller coaster of emotions this past month. But like you said, just need to take it one day at a time. Today will be rough since it's Monday and I sort of partied hard this weekend. LOL, but I'll get through it.

laxman526 · Aug 10, 2009, 07:56 PM

Here we go for a second time. For some reason my lengthy post didn't get posted. So frustrating...

Anyway, well, I'm pretty bored and felt like venting out some emotions. Tomorrow marks 4 weeks of NC. This has been a personal goal of mine and I achieved it, yet I feel about as lonely as I did a few weeks ago. Today was a tough day. Most likely because I was hungover. Yesterday my roomie and I decided to go to the pool and then got wild hairs up our you know what's and went to the same bar we were at Friday night. We had a BLAST and met all kinds of cute girls. Got some girl's number. Her and her friend asked us to go up the street to another pub, but we played it cool and said we'd call them this week. So we're going to try to meet up this weekend. We shall see...

I think I have probably been drinking too much during this past month. It all seems like such a blur. I know its really bad, but it does help numb the pain, but I know that it is temporary. Anyone have any ideas on how to meet single ladies with out having to drink all the time or go to bars? I'm curious...

But I guess the reason for this post is the fact that it has been 4 weeks (tomorrow). I'm just really sad that I lost a g/f and a great friend (for those that haven't been following we were friends for 4 years). It sucks to high heaven that we were so close and then in a flash, it's gone. This past month has sucked really bad with finances, my car, etc. I have a decent job, but I have grown increasingly unhappy. I'm thinking about seeking other opportunities, but the economy sucks. Everyone is at a standstill. I think this breakup has surfaced some underlying issues with myself and reality is smacking me in the face. I was so consumed with making the relationship work especially since it was long distance (which requires A LOT of work) that I ignored my own life. It could be a blessing in disguise, but right now I don't see it that way. I told myself I would never get hurt like my other ex did to me, and now here I am again, in this same situation. Uggh... When it rains it pours. Now I don't have that person to confide in when I am not feeling my best and it feels really sh*tty. This sucks. I miss her...

Well, I just want to say thank you to whomever reads this. Any advice or encouragement is definitely welcome. :) I've also found that helping others has been a great way for me to move on. So if there's anything I can offer anyone, I'd be happy to help. Stay strong everyone, we'll get through this!!