[pinklucas]

I have been dating my dads elder brothers son, and its almost a year now. I have separated with my husband and have been with my cousin for the last 12 months. We live in different countries and he visits me all the time, maybe in a month or 3 months. He has been married twice before and has 2 kids from his previous marriage. He loves me a lot and I THINK I have started to love him lots as well.

I am staying in a country all by myself where I have no family and friends and we speak to each other for hours every night. We have told no one about our relationship, as we are worried that people will start to hate us for what we doing. We do not wish to have kids in future and would like to come public especially to our family about our relationship. I'm 27 and he is 37 years of age. I don't really know whether I have a future with him, and should I continue to be in the relationship.

[Alty]

He's your cousin.

I don't think your family is going to take this very well.

Is it possible that you are just feeling close to him because you're so isolated right now?

[pinklucas]

May I am.. I'm not sure.. I mean I don't have any family or friends here and he is the only who keeps in touch with me

[Alty]

may i am.. im not sure.. i mean i dnt have any family or friends here and he is the only who keeps in touch with me

Well then, it would be natural to gravitate to him and maybe mistake your need of family ties as something else.

I would think this through, it can have a profound effect on your family, especially the kids.

Good luck.

[ajGambino]

He's your cousin.

Pink... he's your cousin. How did you let the relationship get this far? Being in a relationship with your cousin must be very weird and will probably be that or worse for your family if you guys come out. You're in a pretty deep mess.

All you can do now is to let your family know, that is, if you feel like he is worth it. You say you can't see a future with him, so why still keep dating him? It's been a year and you love him a lot. Right now, that's all that should matter. If you feel like you love him, do your thing, I am not one to judge. Do what makes you happy, but weigh your options.

[taoplr]

may i am.. im not sure.. i mean i dnt have any family or friends here and he is the only who keeps in touch with me

The only non-negotiable problem is getting pregnant. Everything else can change. Your family will object, but, upon seeing your relationship grow into a sensational one, they could change their minds. You are breaking a cultural, and genetically-driven biological taboo. But people can get used to your relationship if they see it as respect-worthy. So, don't get pregnant.

You're not sure that you are in love, but you are sure that you have a good friend, someone who listens to you, and to whom you listen. It's lonely there. He meets your needs, at least now. You don't know where this relationship will go later, so you would be smart to tell no one and wait until the two of you reach a significant milestone (You decide what is significant enough, but it will be about a state of happiness together, a wholesome state, one that the family can admire.) and then announce yourselves on a high note.

If the relationship fizzles, and I hope it does not, very few people will know. You'll have no explaining to do. If the relationship grows into something lasting, you can throw a party.

Tao

[DrJ]

Be mindful of your feelings if they are growing out of necessity. I understand you are alone and lonely. But you do not choose to love someone simply because they love you.

To me, it sounds like you do not love him but that he is nice, he is caring, and he is there. He loves you and he wants to bring your "relationship" out in the open. However, since you don't feel as strongly as he does, you are digging in your heals.

This dynamic will NOT be an easy one to overcome and would require love for him that you don't seem to posses. Without that, the outside pressures could get way too much for you to fight for. Then where will you be? No longer with him but stuck having to deal with what's left behind.

If you do truly love him and you are willing to fight for your love, then by all means... fight. That is what it is all about. But don't let yourself be fooled by your loneliness and desire to be wanted.

[taoplr]

Pink...he's your cousin. How did you let the relationship get this far? Being in a relationship with your cousin must be very weird and will probably be that or worse for your family if you guys come out. You're in a pretty deep mess.

All you can do now is to let your family know, that is, if you feel like he is worth it. You say you can't see a future with him, so why still keep dating him? It's been a year and you love him a lot. Right now, that's all that should matter. If you feel like you love him, do your thing, I am not one to judge. Do what makes you happy, but weigh your options.

AJ,
As I read her post, pink says "i don't really know whether i have a future with him..." She also doesn't know if she loves him, but she thinks she is starting to. She's just not sure where she is going.

If she couldn't bear children, what would be the problem? The real problem? Consider the possibility that it's about stepping out of traditional roles and adapting to the present state of things. People's ideas about right and wrong get challenged by such relationships, but where is the harm? Maybe doesn't exist.

We all know the depth of engagement, longing, excitement, and aliveness we feel during that phase of a relationship when we can't stop talking with and thinking about someone who is just as interested in us as we are in them. Why refuse to have that? Especially if no one is a victim. Why would it hurt his kids? Nobody is being betrayed. No promise is being broken.

It could be life-long love. They wouldn't be the first first cousins to have that.


Tao

[talaniman]

First cousins can love each other, and hang out, your family. That's what family does.

Now making babies is an entirely different thing, as there are real dangers in the child's health, as you both have close, and common grandfathers, or grandmothers, or both.

[DrJ]

I don't know.. she's been with him for 12 months... let alone probably knowing him her whole life.

She doesn't know if she loves him, she doesn't know if they have a future, and she is afraid to bring it public.

Maybe he is to her what he really IS to her.. family, someone that is there for her. Maybe she knew a long time ago that he wasn't the one for her but she enjoyed his company and she was in need of companionship... so she allowed this secret relationship to continue assuming no one would ever know... but then he fell in love.. so much so that he wanted to let the whole world know. And here she is.. back peddling.

She DOES seem pretty unsure of her feelings but she is pretty sure that she has no family and that he is the only one that keeps in touch with her...

I know.. big assumptions for such a small amount of info...

[Gemini54]

Look, first cousins from many countries marry and have children and they don't produce monsters. Such marriages are less common in western countries because the taboo is stronger.

One of the reasons cousin marriage is taboo, is the assumption they will have kids with birth defects. A study funded by the National Society of Genetic Counselors revealed that some beliefs about cousin marriage were unfounded.

The risks of having a child with a cousin were about "2 [percent] to 3 percent" above the average population's risk for having a child with birth defects or mental retardation.

Clearly the risks are not as bad as people perceive!

If you love this person and you think that you can cope with what others will say, be prepared and go for it.

[pinklucas]

At the moment I have isolated myself from eveyone because my previous marriage had broken and was just not going anywhere. At time I feel that my cousin was a "scape goat" for me. I am all by myself in a country and as some you have said, that may be I am all lonely, is why I am continuing this relationship.

I have said to my cousin over and over so many times, that I believe "OUR RELATIONSHIP' should not continue, but than after a day or 2, he acts as if things are normal between us. i would like to be in a relationship, where i can openly love that someone, tell my parents about him, and than one day get MARRIED and have a family, if that is Gods will.

At times i just dnt seem to know where im heading towards in life. Here am 27 years of age and having a relationship with my cousin, which i know deep inside is not "RIGHT", because our family would never be happy about the whole thing. I just need advice and suggestion as to what should I do. I know that I will NEVER marry my cousin, never ever, because this I know deep inside that I don't love him. Yes, as DrJizzle has said, that am he listens to me, is a good friend, maybe I am drawn towards him, and OBLIGED!

[DrJ]

It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do but are having a hard time actually taking that step.

I just went through something similar very recently (except she wasn't my cousin). But I knew what was right and regardless of how much I cared for her, I had to let her go... because I knew in my heart that it wasn't right. I'm not going to say it was easy and I am still dealing with it today (it was only a few weeks ago anyway) but still... I am glad that I did. She was crushed but I have been there to help her understand and accept the truth.

You know you need to do the same. It will be hard because you do care for him and he has been there for you. But the truth is the truth. He will, one day, understand.

You don't love him. You feel that the relationship isn't right. You are obviously VERY family-oriented and you know your family may NEVER approve or accept that. He cannot give you what your heart desires. Remaining in this relationship will ultimately kill you.

Let it go. If he cannot respect your decision, tell him you won't talk to him anymore. After all, he is thousands of miles away.

Get out there. Meet people. You may not find "him" right away and that's okay. Just get out there. Stop being so dependent on his support to fill your void.

The world is filled with incredible people.

[pinklucas]

It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do but are having a hard time actually taking that step.

I just went thru something similar very recently (except she wasn't my cousin). But I knew what was right and regardless of how much I cared for her, I had to let her go... because I knew in my heart that it wasn't right. I'm not going to say it was easy and I am still dealing with it today (it was only a few weeks ago anyway) but still.... I am glad that I did. She was crushed but I have been there to help her understand and accept the truth.

You know you need to do the same. It will be hard because you do care for him and he has been there for you. But the truth is the truth. He will, one day, understand.

You don't love him. You feel that the relationship isn't right. You are obviously VERY family-oriented and you know your family may NEVER approve or accept that. He cannot give you what your heart desires. Remaining in this relationship will ultimately kill you.

Let it go. If he cannot respect your decision, tell him you won't talk to him anymore. After all, he is thousands of miles away.

Get out there. Meet people. You may not find "him" right away and that's okay. Just get out there. Stop being so dependent on his support to fill your void.

The world is filled with incredible people.

Thanks so much for all the advice. I just pray I will be able to cope with all that is about to happen!

[chuff]

I read this and I have to ask or suggest or both that something deeper is going on here. Is there another problem in your family and this is a way to either seek revenge or control over them through your cousin? Why doesn't your dad keep in contact with you? I think this goes further then you are letting on.