[LJDK]

Hi.
New member here.

I am confused. I got engaged recently to a girl I truly love. But I am so scared these days and confused. I have major insecurity issues due to my ex that cheated on me.

My fiancé and I made love 3 times a day for 3 months. Then it started getting less and less. We talked about it, and I told her I am to scared to try to turn her on, because I simply do not know what turns her on anymore.

I am starting to feel I do not do it for her and that she might have found or is looking to get it somewhere else. After all, it is very obvious I cannot turn her on. There is always something wrong, either I am seducing her to slow and gentle, or to quick and hard. I just can't seem to win anymore.

There are times when she suddenly wants to stop during the act; telling me she is not feeling very well anymore.

She said there is too much pressure on her to have sex with me because she knows I have a high sex drive and she wants to satisfy my needs. There have been occasions where we have sex then she does not reach orgasm or does not want to (what she says) and this is becoming more frequent which is placing stress on me, knowing that the whole act was for my benefit, not because she wanted to make love to me.

So it's a catch 22. She does not want sex often, and I do. She is stressed to satisfy my needs, and I am stressed believing if I do not manage to lower my sex drive it will drive us apart for causing too much stress between us. I was told by her I am making a big deal out of sex. Which is most likely true.

It gets more complicated because if I am in the mood, and I suppress the desire I become very quite. Constantly thinking of not touching her, do not try to arouse her, do not make it obvious that I am in the mood, as I do not want to place stress on her to satisfy me. She knows me well and picks up on this.

I do not understand how we can go from 3 times a day to just once every 2 weeks. But to be truthfully honest the longest we have gone without sex is 5 days which I know for a fact only happens because she feels that she needs to please me.

The only solution can then be to get something to lower my sex drive. It is starting to affect our relationship. I have become more stressed at work, if I am stressed I want sex. If I want sex and I know I shouldn't and then I become more stressed and quite.

Any advise would be most awesome. I feel the problem is with me, and not with her. I think it is normal for a girl to settle and wants less sex than in the early days.

I would just like to mention one thing that got to me the other day.
Made a nice bath filled with bath foam and rose pedals for her. Lit the candles all around the room. Made it nice and romantic. Served her favorite wine while she was in the bath.
Made the bedroom nice and romantic full of flowers etc. And this was one of the times where during sex she just suddenly tells me to stop. Looked like she was having a panic attack. And she does not suffer from anxiety.

Thx for reading.

[adam_89]

Wow, Kind of confusing on why she just wants to stop in the middle of intercourse. I can see how sometimes, sex does slow down through a relationship. It isn't like you aren't trying, but sometimes things just get a little less interesting.

Try thinking of your relationship instead of sex. Sex isn't everything in a relationship. If you are in it just for sex then maybe you aren't ready to get married. Think of other things and about her and what she wants. Go help yourself in the bathroom if needed sometimes. If you really love her, then don't let sex separate you guys.
I know how you feel stressed all the time because not having sex. When I was with my last ex, I maybe had sex 20 times in 7 months and it was horrible. I had to help myself a lot because I knew it helped me and her out. Luckily I am with someone else and have no problem worrying about sex. So I do see where you are coming from with the stress. I hope this helps.

[LJDK]

I believe the reason she wants to stop during the act is because she forced herself to "get in the mood" before we started. I know her history well, and she did explain to me that her ex broke her down emotionally if she did not want to have sex. Manipulated her, and made her feel and believe that she must have sex with him in order to keep him happy.

We did talk about this, and I did explain to her and tried to convince her that there is no must when it comes to sex. That she does not keep me happy with sex, but simply her presence makes me happy and talking to her.

That being said, I believe you are right adam. I need to focus on the relationship and doing things together more, and less about my sexual desires.

Damn, I actually feel like an idiot now. But I do tend to have selective amnesia when I get so frustrated.

[smoothy]

Based on what you have said, and what her reactions are, I think she sees your focus as being on sex, and not on her. It sounds like that really is the case too.

You can't "make" her get in the mood for something she clearly isn't wanting to do, ergo why she stops you. Plus what I see in your words is that everything revolves aroudn sex... not the relationship, and you can't have a relationship when the focus is on sex...

Its clear, you are letting your little head call the shots instead of the big head.

Now just drop the sex part for now... if there isn't enough of a relationsip to still enjoy yourselves, then trust me, marriage is the LAST thing you need to get into.

It doesn't give your age but I'm going to guess you are both really young, as in early 20's at the most.

[Gemini54]

From a woman's point of view I think that being expected to have sex 3 times a day, on a continuous basis would place enormous pressure on me.

Your fiancée is reacting the way she does because your focus is on quantity not quality. It's not true that a women's sex drive declines as quickly as you think, but it certainly will decline if she feels under pressure.

As a woman, feeling that you're expected to have sex and feeling under obligation to perform are the biggest passion killers. You need to seriously back off and think about her needs not yours.

You're not a child any more, surely you can manage your sex drive? Try masturbating a bit more often and try thinking of sex as an act of 'making love' with your fiancée, rather than as a release for your pent up sexual frustrations.

Sex is so much more than simply a physical act, it's a way of connecting deeply with the person that you love. Show your fiancée some of this love by giving her the space to create her own desire for you without feeling pressured and stressed by your demands.

[LJDK]

You people make a very valid point. We sat down last night and I told her I want leave sex out of the relationship for a while to focus more on enjoying each others company and doing things together.

Yes I am 26 and she is 21.
I just to get my head back on straight.

Somewhere along the line I lost the plot. Truth is, I do not want to make sex the primary in our relationship. Especially now that we are engaged I think it is time to look more into her needs and wants, instead of what I want.

After all, she is the one I want to please. Not myself. Actually I feel a bit ashamed for being so selfish.

[smoothy]

You people make a very valid point. We sat down last night and i told her i want leave sex out of the relationship for a while to focus more on enjoying each others company and doing things together.

Yes I am 26 and she is 21.
I just to get my head back on straight.

Somewhere along the line i lost the plot. Truth is, i do not want to make sex the primary in our relationship. Especially now that we are engaged i think it is time to look more into her needs and wants, instead of what i want.

After all, she is the one i want to please. Not myself. Actually I feel a bit ashamed for being so selfish.

It's a common issue among young people... its an easy trap to fall into as it doesn't happen right away, it gradually happens until one day you realise all you ever do it get together for sex.

Its no you have recognised this and can take action before the relationship collapses. Take your time and don't be in a rush to marry, You really need a few years of dating to really know your partner to decide if marriage is right for both of you.

[LJDK]

Hi.

Sometimes during the act of making love my fiancé gets the urge to urinate. She says it feels like a p is building up, so we stop and then she goes to the restroom but cannot p. It looks very unconformable and like it may hurt at times.

She seems to be in a lot of discomfort when this happens.
Should she see a doctor?

This only happened on rare occasions in the past but has been the case the last 4 times in a row now and I am very concerned that there might be something wrong with her.

Does she need to see a MD or a Gynecologist for this?

[shazamataz]

Completely normal.

Some women experience female ejaculation which feels a lot like needing to pee.

It comes from the urethra but does not contain urine.

Tell her not to worry about it at all, if you practice hitting her g-spot she may be able to orgasm this way, but she has to understand that the sensation is completely normal...
Just remember to use a towel on the bed!

[ewhitlock83]

I actually have this problem myself. To be crude, it's the term referred to as "squirting". What she really needs to do, is learn to relax and let go. It will be a much enjoyable experience for both you and her, once she becomes used to it. I recommend several things. One, if you do not already do so, oral is a great way to learn to relax through the orgasm. Try watching a video or something on it if you haven't done it before. Another thing that she can do personally, to learn to relax her body and let go, is to try some yoga. It really works wonders for relaxing through a tense situation, such as the female ejaculate, or gallstones (very painful experience, yoga helped me limit the pain I experienced during an attack.). Hope the advice helps!

[Synnen]

If it is NOT usual for her, and it is PAINFUL, she needs to see her gynecologist.

[ewhitlock83]

If it is NOT usual for her, and it is PAINFUL, she needs to see her gynecologist.

While my own post did not mention this, I concur. If it is PAINFUL and not just uncomfortable, it could be something like a urinary tract infection. It never hurts to visit the doctor, and trust me if it's not medical but related to an orgasm, the doctor will have heard it before, no need to be embarrassed.

[LJDK]

Well she did say it is more of a discomfort than actual pain.
Still it might help her relax if she goes to see the doc.

Thx for the input. Hold thumbs that things turn normal or at least turn positive in the near future.

[ewhitlock83]

Please do at least update us, and let us know if she is okay.

[Justwantfair]

While she may feel an urge to pee, even if she has to her body will be unable to pee until she is no longer excited.

It's like you getting up to pee while hard, until you are flacid again you will not be able to pee. The urge is normal, but trying to pee will be painful.

[Chey5782]

It's very thoughtful that you would seek out information about this so that you can understand and help her.

It sounds like female ejaculation, I agree. Though without knowing more I could not tell you with any certainty. What I can tell you is this. If you stimulate her to that point and she doesn't get the release, she will probably emit the fluid when she urinates after intercourse. There are books and videos and lots of articles about female ejaculation. It is a highly controversial subject though. Women's bodies differ, that's generally accepted as the truth, and the same goes for instances like female ejaculation. Not all women experience this sensation or ever have this type of orgasm. It can be mildly painful if she doesn't release that fluid IF it is female ejaculation. Anyone who has ever experienced this will tell you that is feels a lot like needing to urinate. So it is definitely an indicator.

I say if she feels the need to release, try it out. Worst case scenario it's not her having this type of orgasm and she gets a little urine on you. At least then you will have tried something new if that is the case.

Synnen has a point though, if it's painful, or if you don't feel comfortable trying, ask her to talk to her Gynecologist, it's their job to help her understand her body.

[LJDK]

I will let you know what the doc says if she agrees to see one. But for now I will not say anything to her about this until it happens again.

I do not want her to stress too much... she has enough problems at the moment, and I don't think she needs me to be concerned about our sex life at this point in time.

So it might take a while before I will have any news. Thank you again for the input. Just hoping it is all OK.

PS. We did try to "release" in the past, a little fluid did shoot out, but then she quickly closed up, and said it was too intense and does not feel right. I think after that it might have been extremely unconformable for her, and I am too scared to try and get there again. The last thing I want to do is make her feel bad or uncomfortable about our sex life.

[Chey5782]

That's a good indicator that it felt better though. It IS normal for her to feel that way though if that's what it is, it's a very different kind of orgasm, and a very different sensation. I think I screamed and laughed the first time, all purely from shock. It was very embarrassing.

[shazamataz]

PS. We did try to "release" in the past, a little fluid did shoot out, but then she quickly closed up, and said it was too intense and does not feel right. I think after that it might have been extremely unconformable for her, and i am too scared to try and get there again. The last thing i want to do is make her feel bad or uncomfortable about our sex life.

I am the same way.
It is a very strange feeling and I don't really like doing it.

It was fun/amusing/strange the first few times it happened but after the novelty wore off I didn't enjoy it, many women do though.

There are certain positions that make it happen almost every time for me so we just avoid those positions :)

[Chey5782]

I kind of did that too... We laughed our butts off then hopped in the shower. :D