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deloki · Jul 12, 2009, 02:24 PM

I have very distinct memories of a childhood filled with abuse and neglect that damaged my brothers and me.

For a long time, I tried to get my father to acknowledge his part in this abuse. When it seemed that this was a fruitless endeavor, I stopped. I no longer see or speak to my father.

I did this with my mother's support. Now SHE is denying my memories as well.

In fact, she told me that I had "something wrong with my head" even though I have proof of my memories in the form of daily diaries, witnesses, etc. When I pointed out to her that my brothers and I were abused as children (during a pretty heated discussion), she sarcastically asked, "When where you ever abused?" Forgetting the beatings with belts, shoes, extension cords, wooden spoons -- and that's just part of the physical abuse.

It would seem that both of my parents -- in their 70's -- are remembering our childhoods with "memories" that protect or absolve them. Three damaged adults are the result.

I need help dealing with this. Part of me wants to just cut all ties with my family and go live my life. But another part wants validation. How do I deal with a mother who'd rather think I'm mentally unhinged than examine her own part in my upbringing?

jenniepepsi · Jul 12, 2009, 10:34 PM

Unfortunately, you may never get her to admit to this. I would say your best course of action is to see a therepist to help you through this and move on from it. Your mother ounds a lot like mine, especially with the sarcastic 'oh when were you ever abused'

Good luck hon

J_9 · Jul 12, 2009, 10:38 PM

Let me also say that some of the elder generation used belts, extension cords, shoes, etc... as a means of discipline. Some don't believe this is abuse. While we consider it these days as abuse, some people did, and still don't believe this is a form of abuse, but rather harsh discipline.

While I don't agree with this form of harsh discipline, and I DO believe it abuse, I'm just pointing out why your parents may not see it the way you do.

Wondergirl · Jul 12, 2009, 10:50 PM

Like J_9 said, this wasn't considered abuse when people in that generation were young parents. In fact, educators and even churchmen encouraged those parents -- that if they "spare the rod," they will "spoil the child." And I've noticed the older my mom and mother-in-law get, the more rosy things were back then and how rotten things are now. (In fact, I'm starting to act like that too as I age... )

Consider forgiving her -- not to excuse her and say it doesn't matter, but for you to be able to get past this horrible monkey on your back and not let your anger burn you up. You don't even have to tell her you forgive her, but just move forward and not keep spinning your wheels. See a counselor for a few sessions, and talk out your anger and frustrations and hate.

Gemini54 · Jul 13, 2009, 08:26 PM

You might have to let go of the desire to have her validate your experience. Sometimes in these cases parents will never come round to acknowledging that there was abuse.

If you base your healing on their admission then you give them power, yet again. Why would you do this? You're an adult now and your healing and mental well-being is your responsibility not hers.

Let her think that you're mentally unhinged. In the end it doesn't matter what she thinks. What matters is that you want to heal yourself of this childhood experience and move on. If you wait for her validation then you give her and your father power to control and abuse you once more.

You don't actually need her to say 'yes, you were abused' or, 'I'm sorry you were abused'. It was your experience not hers, and now as an adult you have the power to deal with it, and control how it affects you in the future.

Don't let this childhood experience corrupt the rest of your life. You will never be able to make her see what YOU want so let it go, treat her like the silly old fool that she is and focus on something else. It will be hard, because you've invested so much of yourself in her validation - but why keep beating your head against a brick wall?

Life is good - you are not your past or your childhood - start to enjoy your present and your adulthood.

SafeHeart · Jul 17, 2009, 01:56 PM

If you find out that your parents love you (and always have), then healing from this will be much easier.

On the other hand, bringing up their mistakes while raising you only puts them on the defensive. They probably are ashamed and want to deny these things ever happened. When they do that, it will make you feel worst.

I suggest focusing on the good things they did for you and get into counseling to deal with the abuse. You did not deserve it, just know that.

jenniepepsi · Jul 18, 2009, 02:58 PM

Also remmeber, that your mother is very old. She may no longer remmeber.

Wondergirl · Jul 18, 2009, 03:23 PM

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

also remmeber, that your mother is very old. she may no longer remmeber.

HEY!! I'm close to her age!

SafeHeart · Jul 18, 2009, 03:25 PM

Hey, Wondergirl. You know what they say: You don't get older -- you just get better.

Wondergirl · Jul 18, 2009, 03:27 PM

Originally Posted by SafeHeart

Hey, Wondergirl. You know what they say: You don't get older -- you just get better.

I know I'm okay. But does jenniepepsi??

jenniepepsi · Jul 18, 2009, 03:28 PM

LOL I didn't mean that in the sense that anyone over 60 or 70 is very old.

Just simply the fact that if his mother is over 70, she MIGHT be losing some long past memories

I'm sorry WG *hugs*

Wondergirl · Jul 18, 2009, 03:32 PM

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

LOL I didn't mean that in the sense that anyone over 60 or 70 is very old.

Just simply the fact that if his mother is over 70, she MIGHT be losing some long past memories

You didn't say that. You said

your mother is very old

.
I may not be able to sleep tonight.

SafeHeart · Jul 18, 2009, 03:37 PM

I hope jenniepepsi apologizes to you. However, I do not think that it is personal. It is just hard sometimes to not offend someone, even when you have the best of intentions.

What I think that is meant here by "elderly" and "very old" is that these people are not healthy older people and might be very fragile. That is definitely not always the case.

Oops... I just saw that jenniepepsi did apologize to you.

Some people think that 30 is old... go figure!

Wondergirl · Jul 18, 2009, 03:42 PM

Originally Posted by SafeHeart

I hope jenniepepsi apologizes to you. However, I do not think that it is personal. It is just hard sometimes to not offend someone, even when you have the best of intentions.

I was just giving jenniepepsi a hard time. She knows I love her.

When I was her age, everyone ten years or older than I were OLD and nearly dead. Maybe, by the time she gets to my age, scientists will have figured out how people can live into their hundreds and be healthy on top of it.

jenniepepsi · Jul 18, 2009, 03:58 PM

Are you kidding WG?? I'm 24 and I feel OLD already! Lol.
My hubby is 30 and feels old :P

It's the kid factor I think :P