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Pauldiscovery · May 22, 2009, 01:29 PM

Hey, well as you probably all guessed, I went against everyone's advise and gave her the letter and she come to see me today, she thanked me for the letter and told me everything in the letter was the truth.

BUT.

She still loves me but can't be with me at the moment, so I had to put a bit of pressure on her, well, more persistence for her to either give me a date of when she would be ready,a week, a month or a year or never, I got the answer... Never.

So, I gave her all her stuff back that she had given to me over the years, from teddies to clothes to jewelry and my commitment ring to the pictures on the wall, I gave her everything, I had to erase her out of my life altogether, I now have nothing left in my flat that reminds me of her, there is nothig I can look at or touch that brings back all of those lovely memories we made.

So, today, at this time is my beginning of NC, I have made a small list of goals and my main goal is to take my kids away for a holiday next year. Even if I have to take another job or even 2 other jobs to succeed in my goal. I know in my heart and in my head that my kids are my real reason why I am here. They need their dad and I need them ( my kids are from a previous marrage). My life from this day forward will be lived for them, not for a girl, not for my friends and not for me. I dedicate my life to them, to make their world a better place, to give them all the love I have. Maybe one day I will find someone else but I will never ever place that person above my children. No one else will come 2nd to them.

Thank you to everyone for the advice that was so freely given and I took no notice off and did my own stupid thing.

I can now see that the advice given was the truth and sometimes the truth is so hard to take.

I have plans to join a gym and a friend of mine has asked me to take up kick boxing with her, should be fun having a girl kick my .

And finally, I just want to say a BIG thank you to everyone who has responded to my post.

And really finally,

To anyone else out there going through this incredibly difficult time in their live,
Don't give up, find a goal and head for it and believe what people tell you in this forum, their advice is free and true and hard but so very helpful.

Good luck

catch 22 · May 22, 2009, 01:31 PM

Well it's rough that she gave you that answer but at least now you know to move on. Don't beat yourself up over giving her the letter and not going "no contact", if she is really done with you, nothing was going to help.

Pauldiscovery · May 22, 2009, 01:43 PM

Hey,
I'm not beating myself up over giving her the letter, I was doing what I thought was the right thing and ignoring everyone else's advice.

Im glad I gave her the letter because now she has come to see me to tell me its over forever, now I can move on and I'm not going to be looking at my phone every 2 minutes wondering if il get that call. Now I know its just me until I decide otherwise.

Riotswitch · Jun 8, 2009, 03:34 PM

Hey Paul--
I just wanted to say that you DID do the right thing.
No matter what everyone else says, what you feel you should do, you should.

I went through a nasty on and off again kind of relationship, and every time, like a lapdog, I went running back to him. I couldn't understand it, my friends couldn't understand it... But I didn't listen to any of them telling me to stay away. I think I went back, like 5 times over a couple of years. I was a sucker for punishment and didn't know why I did it.

Anyway, the very night before our last breakup, he brought me into his hangout for the first time ever (I just never cared to go). The bartender there ended up asking me for my #, because they were looking for staff and the guy I was with said he was okay with me working there at his watering hole. The next day, he broke up with me and I was miserable and devastated. A month or so later, the lounge called, looking for a bartender. So I accepted the job, thinking it would be a great way to win the ex back.

But I met a regular there who stole my heart.
This man is the most amazing man I have ever met in my entire life, does not even compare to the ex. Our relationship blossomed into a future together.

Had I not followed my gut to the dismay to of my friends, I never would have lasted that long in the first relationship and never would have met the man of my dreams. I haven't a single regret.

It might seem like a mess right now, but it's funny how things work out. And I never set out to forget about the ex, I never tried hard to move on. I simply went with my feelings at the moment and went with the flow. Do what you feel is right, even if it doesn't make any sense. I did. Don't have regrets. I'm glad you sent the letter, I would have advised against it too, but if something feels right, do it. If it doesn't, don't. Simple.

Good luck.

susangpyp · Jun 8, 2009, 03:37 PM

Well at least you know now. You can and will get past this. Be good to you!

davett · Jun 9, 2009, 02:38 PM

I've split up with my ex recently. Her mom died from a long illness and it changed her forever. A different girl from the one for most of the relationship. She used to be very homely and wanting to get a house. 4 months later she wants out and just look after herself. I'm in my late 30s and felt she was the one for me. I was devastated. She said she was all mixed up and thought it was infair on me to wait.

So many questions go through your mind on what you did wrong that might have changed the situation. It eats you up inside and play on your mind. But in the end you will never solve the questions and get an answer and you have to go No contact and move on and look after yourself.

Its very tempting to write a letter but it will do no good. If she comes back then she has to do it one her own. But have to realise she left for a reason and she is unlikely to come back.

Take up some hobbies, go to gym, have nights out but don't have too much beer. Get out there and mix with friends to take your mind off it.

Life is unfair unfortunately. Look back at what you have learnt from the experience and take that with you into your next relationship so then you don't make the same mistakes.

Pauldiscovery · Jun 10, 2009, 07:56 AM

Hi,

Just a bit of a n update, I'm still a bit confused with the whole situation,

Ok, so I went to NC for about 1 week, I had my head sorted out and my friends have been really supportive of me and got me back on my feet, I have been going out a lot more and having fun, I know I'm not over her and it will take a long time for me to be over her.

Anyway, she went on holiday 6 days ago and she has texted me a few times to ask how I am and to let know she is OK and having plenty of time to think etc. she has even put kisses on the end of her texts. This is a bit confusing for me.

Also she has received her exam results from university while she is away and has asked me to meet up with her for a coffee to celebrate her passing the exams.

Any ideas on what is going on in her head?

talaniman · Jun 10, 2009, 09:08 AM

If you don't know what's in her head, neither do we.

Since the only fact you have is this,

She still loves me but cant be with me at the moment, so I had to put a bit of pressure on her, well, more persistence for her to either give me a date of when she would be ready,a week, a month or a year or never, i got the answer.... Never.

I think its safe to assume her text were a friendly gesture, and nothing more.

What do you do about it?

Talaniman Rule # 48- If you can't be friends with the ex, leave them alone, and do what it takes to get over this experience, and move forward.

Talaniman Rule- Exes have no rights after a break up. No matter what they say.

davett · Jul 5, 2009, 01:53 PM

Originally Posted by Pauldiscovery

Hi,

just a bit of a n update, im still a bit confused with the whole situation,

Ok, so i went to NC for about 1 week, i had my head sorted out and my friends have been really supportive of me and got me back on my feet, i have been going out alot more and having fun, i know im not over her and it wil take a long time for me to be over her.

Anyway, she went on holiday 6 days ago and she has texted me a few times to ask how i am and to let know she is ok and having plenty of time to think etc. she has even put kisses on the end of her texts. this is a bit confusing for me.

Also she has recieved her exam results from university while she is away and has asked me to meet up with her for a coffee to celebrate her passing the exams.

Any ideas on what is going on in her head?

You are still emotionally attached so can't think straight. A week of NC will not do much good it takes a lot longer.

She is just feeling guilty and wants to be friends. Just don't reply until you are 100% over her. I'm still getting over my ex after 5 weeks. Just taken her off my Facebook and still not over her yet. It takes time. Not heard from her and don't expect to. I think she is leaving me alone to allow me to recover and get on with my life without keep reeling me back in for fun.

taintedsoul · Jul 16, 2009, 11:16 PM

I'm going through the same thing as the original person who posted, I love her terribly, but I can see that I had made her the center of my entire world. I'm getting my world together where it is me centered, and still talking to her, if we get things together again then we can be together and share our lives together, and not just live to be with the other person. I'm only three years into my marriage with her, and glad this came up rather than later, since even if it doesn't work out I will have learned a valuable lesson of what mistake I have made now.

I can say that I did have the same type of letter typed out and thought of sending but I never did because I didn't think it would help the situation out any at all. Forcing someone to give you an answer is never the way to go, so I think this is the best way to go. Wish me good luck!

Not much of an answer I know, but its what I'm doing, and being in the same situation sometimes its good to hear what someone else is doing.