[smoothy]

im sorry but im stuck on the snooping deal
i can't beleive the ones who are against it,and comparing it to hiring p.i.,and stalking can back up they're claims.
let me ask this if snooping is a sign that you dont trust someone and therefore your realtionship is invalid,than how do you get to the point of trusting someone?
another words your dating you dont know them from adam in time you have a relationship are you just going to take everything this person says as truth or i know your going to follow your own heart right judy?
bullcrap.snooping is how you keep a relationship honest,its how you know your mate is right with you and for you.
my guesse is the ones who have a proublem with snooping are single im not sure and it dopesnt really matter.
just someone tell me how your going to know your dealing with a upstanding,straight person without a little snooping

I equate snooping with backstabing and cheating. You either trust them or find someone else to act out your insecurities on. Nobody deserves to be on the receiving end of that, and no one has the right to violate another adults privacy.

Now this rule does not apply to dependent children.

[Chey5782]

im sorry but im stuck on the snooping deal
i can't beleive the ones who are against it,and comparing it to hiring p.i.,and stalking can back up they're claims.
let me ask this if snooping is a sign that you dont trust someone and therefore your realtionship is invalid,than how do you get to the point of trusting someone?
another words your dating you dont know them from adam in time you have a relationship are you just going to take everything this person says as truth or i know your going to follow your own heart right judy?
bullcrap.snooping is how you keep a relationship honest,its how you know your mate is right with you and for you.
my guesse is the ones who have a proublem with snooping are single im not sure and it dopesnt really matter.
just someone tell me how your going to know your dealing with a upstanding,straight person without a little snooping

In this instance I hate using personal experiences to make my point. But I can't in any other way. You take from it what you want to prove either point.

Years ago I was with a guy I thought moved heaven and earth. After 2 years we moved in together, the day I was moving up there, I asked him if something was wrong because he seemed like he was acting funny. I didn't go out of my way to snoop, I was concerned because he was acting atypical.

Well... a week after I moved in he left his MySpace page open one morning and left for work. Unfortunately for me, it wasn't on his profile it was on a random music page. So I am all la la la and click on "mail" thinking it is my MySpace.. and BOOSH Instantly see my mistake because his entire inbox was just riddled with e-mails from these two different women. So did I look? Heeeeellllllllll yes I did, mainly because one e-mail was titled Tuesday morning, and this was Monday. Apparently the day he said he was going to have to go in early, he was actually going in late because he was stopping by her house before work, to "give her an erotic massage."

I would never ever have thought it possible that my man was like this. He never gave me a sign and I trusted him beyond all measure. But afterward it made sense why I had thought that he had been acting weird. Longer story short, I stayed with him and forgave him, except I didn't really, I snooped, oh my lord I went through every single personal thing he had for over a year, and it became obsessive. About then I realized what I was doing, and that he would never change, he was good at hiding it, I kept catching him because I was better, and neither one of us even bothered trusting the other one.

I have no awesome moral, I have no point. I lost the person I adored and it started with a snoop. But it warped into a disgusting mess. Trust is there for a reason, and snooping is different from pure curiosity, if I get curious now it's typically because christmas is coming and I want to know if I am getting the shiny thing I asked for. But I can tell you I don't think snooping respects the other person. Without respect there is no point.

WAAAYYYYYY off her topic, but I got tired of reading that snooping thread and getting sad.

[JudyKayTee]

well im talking about snooping and i bet if your husband was to talk you have done some sort of snooping,this a made to look way more than it is,im talking about inocent snooping.

I'll take that bet. You can also place that same bet on me.

Just because you sneak around doesn't mean everyone else does.

I have no idea what "this a made to look way more ..." means.

Innocent snooping? Is that like innocent stealing? Or innocent cheating?

And, zippit - if you can't post it on the public board (this thread), keep it to yourself. Do NOT PM me again. And I still don't think "this a made to look way more than it" either makes sense or is in English. Of course, neither is your PM.

[jmooney527]

I love a great debate! Haha.

In response to the OP's concern, I wouldn't be worried about him looking at porn. I do it, it doesn't mean I don't love my boyfriend or I'm not sexually attracted to him. It almost brings up the whole argument that just because you are in a relationship you can't be attracted to other people. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you aren't attracted to anyone else.

I read this book (man I feel like I'm promoting the darn thing today) that talks about men's primal urge to "spread their seed" with different women, etc. By them looking at porn and "relieving" themselves it allows them to still be faithful to you, and "spread their seed" with "different women" at the same time. I'm not saying I agree completely with this idea, but it at least gives you some insight on our primal urges.

And as far as the snooping is concerned, I agree with Judy. If you are snooping to begin with, then obviously you are having a trust issue and there are bigger issues at hand besides your boyfriend looking at porn.

The fact is, if you really have a problem with porn, then you either need to talk about it with your boyfriend and tell him how it bothers you, or end the relationship. If you don't have a problem with porn in general, maybe watching it together would be one solution.

[zippit]

Well than now where talking about english.
If snooping is different than curiosity than I take back everything and snooping bad/curiosity good

[321543]

We are getting off the whole topic here. There is one word that comes to my mind that is taught to every boys scoot in America and every one that goes to church as well , that will fix both these issues. " Reverence " . At times we ourselves need to be reverent.

[briancp34]

I agreed with Chey5782 a little earlier on in this thread. Porn can be just as addictive as I suspect some of the most powerful drugs. If it goes for too long, it can be harder to recover from.

As for the snooping, I wouldn't called it snooping in the first place. You were looking for something else to begin with and came across it accidentally. At that point, I took it that you weren't sure of what to do or how to take the matter. So then after that, I took more as peeking. I would relate it to falling out of an airplane and seeing the ground coming up at you at progressive speeds. You don't keep looking at the ground all the time, but take a glance back every once in a while to see how much closer it's gotten or even if it's just gone. One thing you have to ask yourself though (given you're not falling towards the ground), will you ever feel the need to check up on him again if he does give it up for you?

You can bring it up to him. I wouldn't suggest in a confrontational way. But if you love him, and you 2 are as close as you make it sound you could just bring it up more in a concerning way. There may also be some depression issues. How are things at his work? Does he feel like he fulfills your sexual needs? I know you said that he'll turn you down, given the opportunity. But if he doesn't feel worthy, he may just not want to face up to it if he's just going to feel bad for it. Having that addiction all by itself could work on his self esteem and make the problem worse. And I tell you that if you are that close, he might just give it up. But the first step is talking about it. Just make out like you're so mad about it and that he's done something so terrible. Let him know how it makes you feel and how concerned you are about it.

So first things first. You have to come out with your peeking at the history on the computer and that you didn't know what to do or how to address it for so long.

Good luck. Let us know how things go.

[Chey5782]

How is that at all relevant to what the question asker wanted to know? You already made and conceded your points clearly, move on darlin.

[xoxaprilwine]

I have been through this a million times with my man and yes it makes the woman feel kind of crappy. The thing is sometimes you just have to let it go... it's not worth stressing over (though I know it may hurt your feelings or make you feel insecure), guys will always masturbate... it's a dry subject that will continue if not this boyfriend, the next and even your husband. I gave up, but I did lay down the law - if I am sexually/emotionally/intimately displeased as a direct result of his actions that the subject will surface again. Here is your 24/7 adult channel... don't waste anymore money and if you do - I want money too so I can go and do my thing and buy a few shirts or makeup - whatever - IT WORKED and has been since February. Curb the jealousy and let go of the resentment before it gains control of your emotions i.e. anger/hurt. Take all that energy you have when you think about this and focus it on you and yourself improvement or self indulgence. Pick a hobby or do something interesting and be interesting - classy and you will win the respect of your man in a new way (I have been through this issue so bad that I thought about leaving him and it even led to physical abuse - so don't push him away or make him feel bad). Build communication and try to work together for a mutual understanding and agreement... you have to make compromise NOT SACRIFICE... there is a difference. I now ignore it... I don't care to know, when, where, who, what or whatever... I am finished caring and I am liberated - I have time to think about what matters. As it goes for you being neglected then you will have to sit down and explain the nature of balance and what you are looking for in the relationship emotionally, physically, spiritually and sexually. This is up to you to have the sit down... don't cut it down or him down... try to keep the discussion around you and him - your relationship and not about his relationship with whatever materials he is using to aid in his masturbation sessions. Always look at third alternatives if you only see two and know what you want in a relationship and more importantly what you want for yourself. Make decisions based on proactive behavior, problem solving, facts and rationality not pain, hurt, anger and resentment (reactive) or eventually you will hurt the both of you.

[xoxaprilwine]

[QUOTE=zippit;1863636]

...it's a dry subject


priceless,excellent wording

I am sorry, I shouldn't say it "like" that because it does hurt and millions of women around the globe deal with... I did too... I guess its exasperating after a while... all that wasted energy you give to someone else can better be directed to yourself. It's amazing what you can do with your thoughts if you redirect them before they become hardwired into the brain... that's why children are so flexible - like sponges.

Hey look at it this way - I have a new wardrobe :)!

[xoxaprilwine]

now to me this was different because i had just made a advance and she shot it down.
so to me the real proublem isnt masturbating or porno its when you choose those things over taking care of the needs of the one your with.

This is very true... I battled this and that is what hurt the most about it all. Yes women can be held accountable for the same issue.

[Chey5782]

I don't know, my ex husband used to get up early and "relieve himself" before going to PT. I asked him once if he did and he tooootally lied his butt off. So the next morning I got up after he went in there, and tossed open the door and yelled, " HAH! I CAUGHT YOU!" He didn't appreciate it, and admittedly it was immature, but I was too busy laughing at the time to worry about his ego. Sometimes you can find other ways of getting around things that start to become barriers in your relationship.

[briancp34]

HA! That's hilarious. That sounds actually like a good way to break the ice. It might also be a good way though to find out how fast he can zip his wang up in his pants though.

[smoothy]

Women do a lot of stuff all the time that irritates, agrivates or otherwise ticks off guys... but you don't hear about it all the time. If he wants to look at porn, its his right as an adult male. Women have no more business or right dictating what he will watch or not than he does dictation what she can and can't watch on TV or read. Now if one reads back to the OP's question you will see there are other issues at play here.

#1 insomia and sleep depravation... why is it fine to defend a woman who suffers from this particularly with a small child but criticize a man who suffers from it. He needs to see a medical professional about this, sleep apnia is a seroius problem.

#2. If a man demands sex more often that the woman, he is labeled an oversexed lout that doesn't respect her wishes, but turn it around... its still his fault? You have to reach a compromise here... no other way to do it or there will be resentment.

Something too many women are quick to forget, even when they claim to remember everything, is just like her, if you are going to nit-pick and otherwise complain incessantly, Surprise... their libido isn't going ot be what it could be.

Stress can do this, any number of medical conditions and medications can do this... they need to be identified and treated by a medical professional before worse things happen.

Big deal if he likes to look at naked women, want to know when the stops for a guy? When his testosterone drops to zero, or he stops breathing.
Doesn't have a damn thing to do with you the female at all. Porn for guys is EXACTLY like Romance for women.

Now if he happens to be choosing ot beat off, take a long break and think, "How have I been treating him lately?"

If a guy is picking his hand over her, he's upset with her over something. No guys hand is better than any coochie, butt or mouth. Trust me, I'm a guy, I have two hands and nearly any woman I have ever been with beat my hands, except one and that one was a real loser.

If he's banging another woman, you have some real issues to deal with then, both in your relationship and the marriage. Good luck, because you have a rough time ahead. Divorce is rarely easy or pretty. If you don't have a ring on your hand, engagement or wedding, then he is free to sleep with who he wishes.

I do get really irked when women who start making demands about what he will and will not do. Yet get all bent out of shape if he was going to make the same demands on her.

Want a power struggle or a happy marriage, you can't have both.

Control freaks are never happy, and most certainly their partners aren't either.

[briancp34]

No really though. It sounds immature and humiliating but it would break the ice fast and on a lighter tone. But he'll have to get past that humiliated part no matter what, and you can't stand there, laugh and make fun of him. He'll just get all ticked off and probably say something about knocking first. But, TA DA, you've opened the topic, and you might even get some words of wisdom from a doctor while you're sitting in the ER to get his peter sown back together.

[smoothy]

i have to disagree with you here sir

its a matter of convince

Are you a guy or a woman?

I am speaking as a 47 year old man who has slept with plenty of women before I married... and I know NO man who preffers to beat off than get a BJ or bang a real woman... in my entire life so far.

Convienience has nothing to do with it... If you are single and alone... thats neccessity not convienience. Convienience is "damn, I'm too lazy to walk into the next room to bang her, I'll just do myself here, its easier."


Not saying there are NO guys that will, just that they are few and far between, and usually have a lot of issues behind that choice and none are convienience.

[Chey5782]

Are you a guy or a woman?

I am speaking as a 47 year old man who has slept with plenty of women before I married....and I know NO man who preffers to beat off than get a BJ or bang a real woman....in my entire life so far.

Convienience has nothing to do with it....If you are single and alone...thats neccessity not convienience. Convienience is "damn, I'm too lazy to walk into the next room to bang her, I'll just do myself here, its easier."


Not saying there are NO guys that will, just that they are few and far between, and usually have a lot of issues behind that choice and none are convienience.

Wow smoothie, as a female I have to say, thank you. In my fantasy world that would be ideal! However, speaking as a very sexually demanding, or just plain demanding woman. I happen to know plenty of guys who not only would disagree, but actually do this. It's admirable that a man would profess to be so manly. But I am not buying it, laziness or just wanting to blow off some steam without bugging her happens all the time. If you've never whacked it when your wife was asleep and you wanted to get some without having to wake her up and get her in the mood and spend 45 minutes fondling the squishy bits, then you are actually more of a minority than a majority.

And if I am way wrong, send me a list of these guys, I have plenty of girlfriends who need a man that attentive in their lives. ;)

[zippit]

If a guy is picking his hand over her, he's upset with her over something.
.

Here's were I have to disagree,just because a guy is picking his hand over her doesn't mean he's upset with her,I can think of several other reasons this could be happening

[Kris1013]

#1 insomia and sleep depravation....why is it fine to defend a woman who suffers from this particularly with a small child but critisize a man who suffers from it. He needs to see a medical professional about this, sleep apnia is a seroius problem.

If he's banging another woman, you have some real issues to deal with then, both in your relationship and the marriage. Good luck, because you have a rough time ahead. Divorce is rarely easy or pretty. If you don't have a ring on your hand, engagement or wedding, then he is free to sleep with who he wishes.

Okay... first off, insomnia and sleep apnea are two different things. Insomnia is the inability to obtain sufficient sleep, esp. when chronic; difficulty in falling or staying asleep; sleeplessness... Sleep apnea is a temporary suspension of breathing, occurring in some newborns (infant apnea) and in some adults during sleep (sleep apnea).


Second... just because there is no ring, doesn't mean he can sleep with whoever he wishes. If they are in a serious relationship, then there should be nothing on the side for either party! A ring doesn't mean monogamy, a serious loving relationship does. (Regardless of minor problems within the relationship.)

[talaniman]

I'm not saying snooping is good

From what I gather, it was accidental. Don't let the fear of his reaction stop you from honestly expressing yourself about what concerns you.

him lying to me that he just couldn't sleep because of some noise while whacking off in the next room is much worse,at least from my point of view.

You didn't think like that before, because you didn't know, don't get carried away with your new found knowledge of your partner. I think he lied from being embarrassed, as any man, but the most secure, would do.

And turning me down 'cause he's not in the mood for me but he's in a mood for porns is really upsetting.

Just curious, how did you deal with rejection before?? Bet you both were tired then, huh?

All I need advice on is how should I try to talk to him,or should I just try and forget all about,ignore it,and live with it.
What is the best way to start communicating about it?

You must talk about it, just be straight, "look what you left on the computer"
"I don't know about guys, porn, or masturbation, whats that all about?"

An therefore solving the problem. Note this even though it maybe solely a communication problem it is affecting my sexual life. Or should I start doing his thing too,and like that we'll both be happy?

It helps to have an open mind, a good curious attitude, and be willing to listen, and a patience as he may be a bit flustered at your curiosity, but may open up over time. The key is HOW you ASK him about it. Just remember, that you're the one who is taking it personally, since for whatever reason, you were made aware it exists.

Learn, listen, without the personal feelings. Its about communicating, not interrogating.

Being a good listener, will get you better results than a pi$$ed off wife. Be patient, as it may take a while until he is comfortable, so if you don't get the desired effects, back down, and let the dust settle, so he and you can process each others feelings.