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kaylle04 · Jul 15, 2009, 03:27 AM

Ok I came to this site in looks for help with a fish tank. The more I read the more I liked and really thought this was the perfect place to ask a very personal question.
Ok I'm making this a short version so if need to ask details please do.
I've been with this guy fro 2 1/2 years now. We broke up once for 2 months but got back together. The first red flag was his brother is gay and married to another man. I have gay frinds and love them no matter what, you can't help you're gay you're born that way. So though out the relationship I have notices things, the way he carries himself, acts silly gay sometimes, looks at other men sometimes and is very very jealous of all my friends man or female, and has told me hinted around about his brother having sex with some of his guy friends and they all lead Straight lives, also he asks me to have anal sex a lot when we are drunk, and I notice most of his friends are weird almost of a lower class and have bad reps, not to mention he takes more time to get ready than I do most of the time, hates it when I say anything about it or maybe him being gay he flips out and refers to his brother and how I'm being crazy.
(Just so everyone know's shortly after we first started dating we all went to my x-bosses house who is gay and went out drinking, we came back to the house. Him, myself, and my gay x-boss were all in a room together. I then went to the bathroom given we were all wasted when I came out him and my boyfriend were kissing. I fliped out we got into a huge fight and I dynied it for a long time till I just could keep it locked away in my head. He claims he doesn't remember any of it and that it never happened, but my friends who were there told me it did and that the x-boss even admitted to it long after the fact.)

Soooooooo now a year down the road he is in our friends car and leaves his phone so I go to pick it up and was going to call him from it and let him know I have it, mean while I see all calls were erased, ODD very odd then I see all texts were erased when he was with this other guy friend of ours... so my thoughts are rolling now, I look through his videos and I fine all these masterbating videos I never got that were sent (check marked/tagged to 3 other numbers) with no names. I then find another video of him acting kind of gay of his penis balls and then he spreads his hole wide open and focuses in and out on it. I flipped out and was like what is going on, are you gay. I left him and he keeps flipping out saying ask my brother if I'm gay he would know and I a homophobe and all this and is trying to turn it around on me and be all mad saying I shouldn't be so nosy. Well I also found a private account online and all 50 of his friends were guys. Couldn't see their profiles but a lot looked gay. Thinking this cause I have a lot of gay friends and know the look. Idk I am so upset and hurt. Please help me!!

danielnoahsmommy · Jul 15, 2009, 03:42 AM

Sound like he is Bi to me. You can either accept that he is having sexual relations with a man or leave him. You don't like his friends, you caught him kissing your boss and you found naked suggestively gay pics he is sending to others. Anal sex is preferred by allot of men both gay and straight and is not indicative of a problem the same with the class of people he hangs around with.

kaylle04 · Jul 15, 2009, 03:54 AM

Originally Posted by danielnoahsmommy

sound like he is Bi to me. you can either accept that he is having sexual relations with a man or leave him. You dont like his friends, you caught him kissing your boss and you found naked suggestively gay pics he is sending to others. Anal sex is preferred by allot of men both gay and straight and is not indicative of a problem the same with the class of people he hangs around with.

I agree with you on the last two parts. But am just sceptical. Just really wish people could see it as I do you know. Thank you for you're in put. I have a real gut feeling he's bi myself.

Thank you for you're time and patients.

jenniepepsi · Jul 15, 2009, 04:24 AM

I agree he may be bi. You can ask him hon :) if you can't be open with each other enough to ask those tough questions, then really what is the point to a relationship together. You got to be honest and open.

Synnen · Jul 15, 2009, 06:15 AM

There are two ways to know if someone is gay:

1. They tell you.
2. You catch them in bed with a member of their same gender.

ANYTHING else is just speculation.

Justwantfair · Jul 15, 2009, 06:26 AM

I can't tell you whether he is gay or bisexual. There are some warning flags that he maybe in denial right now if he is. He is clearly not ready to face this, so you can ask until you are blue in the face, but until he is ready, you are not going to get the answer you are seeking.

That said, this relationship seems troubled. He is hiding his life from you, you don't trust him and there is alot of 'flipping out'. I think you need to evaluate the relationship itself as a whole because there are clearly relationship issues that need to be addressed. You need to reconsider why you value a relationship with a man that you can't trust and would be sending provocative videos of himself to anyone else, male or female.

artlady · Jul 15, 2009, 06:40 AM

Ever heard the expression,if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck,it is probably a duck.

I think he is in the closet.I would say he is bi but his preference seems to run toward men.

Perhaps he wants to be straight but there are too many indications otherwise.

Just my opinion.

jmjoseph · Jul 15, 2009, 09:08 AM

Straight guys DON'T video their anuses spread wide open. That's "sacred" ground that only toilet paper should touch or see.

*************** revised***************

MOST don't usually act this way in a heterosexual relationship.

redhed35 · Jul 15, 2009, 09:23 AM

I'm thinking closet and narnia!

Could be bi,straight acting gay,either or,too many red flags in the relationship regardless.

You know this man pretty well,and your gut is letting you something... listen to it.

Synnen · Jul 15, 2009, 09:30 AM

Straight guys do all sorts of weird things all the time.

I mean, seriously--if you want to draw the line, then ANY anal sex would be an indication of gay-ness. Same with watching videos that have a Devil's Threesome in them. Or looking at ANY penis besides their own.

Give me a break.

NO ONE can tell if someone else is gay UNLESS the person themselves realizes it. Period.

Saying that "straight guys" don't do something, that ONLY gay guys would do it (OTHER than sex acts with another man)--well, that's silly. ALL people, straight or gay, have weird things that they like to do, or like to have done to them.

Just because I like to be tied to the bedposts and enjoy my husband having his way with me doesn't mean I'm into BSDM.

Unless he's HAVING SEX (oral or anal) with another guy, he's not necessarily gay.

And no one can tell anyone else what their sexual orientation is--that's information ONLY available to the person living in that body, and the people they share that information with.

What it comes down to is this: If you don't believe him, then leave, because you'll never trust him.

smoothy · Jul 15, 2009, 09:40 AM

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

Straight guys DON'T videos their anuses spread wide open. That's "sacred" ground that only toilet paper should touch or see.

Ummmm not really. Maybe only among the most uptight guys its true. But not straight guys in general.

jmjoseph · Jul 15, 2009, 10:27 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Straight guys do all sorts of weird things all the time.

I mean, seriously--if you want to draw the line, then ANY anal sex would be an indication of gay-ness. Same with watching videos that have a Devil's Threesome in them. Or looking at ANY penis besides their own.

Give me a break.

NO ONE can tell if someone else is gay UNLESS the person themselves realizes it. Period.

Saying that "straight guys" don't do something, that ONLY gay guys would do it (OTHER than sex acts with another man)--well, that's silly. ALL people, straight or gay, have weird things that they like to do, or like to have done to them.

Just because I like to be tied to the bedposts and enjoy my husband having his way with me doesn't mean I'm into BSDM.

Unless he's HAVING SEX (oral or anal) with another guy, he's not necessarily gay.

And no one can tell anyone else what their sexual orientation is--that's information ONLY available to the person living in that body, and the people they share that information with.

What it comes down to is this: If you don't believe him, then leave, because you'll never trust him.

I understand completely. Some straight guys do like " out of the ordinary" stuff, I agree. I'm at work and actually writing in popular consensus. Just sounds more like a teasing type of video, centerfold-like, in a sense. There are several "clues" for her to decipher though. Not quite typical of someone in a straight relationship you must agree.

Synnen · Jul 15, 2009, 10:52 AM

/shrug

I've long ago come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as "normal" in the bedroom.

EVERYONE has something that would be considered "weird" or "wrong" by someone else.

I stand by my answer that the problem isn't whether he's gay--it's that she doesn't trust him, and he doesn't communicate with her.

kaylle04 · Jul 15, 2009, 11:08 AM

Thank you everyone, really. I think I'm really thinking about this too much. And it's not healthy in any form. I've left him and won't return. Just hurts me. I know I should be concerned for his happiness which I am. I just wish if he is he'd tell me so I could support him even being very hard to do, id still do it.

smoothy · Jul 15, 2009, 11:11 AM

Originally Posted by kaylle04

Thank you everyone, really. I think i'm really thinking about this too much. And it's not healthy in any form. I've left him and won't return. Just hurts me. I know i should be concerned for his happiness which i am. I just wish if he is he'd tell me so i could support him even being very hard to do, id still do it.

But if there is nothing for him to confess to?

Justwantfair · Jul 15, 2009, 11:16 AM

To me, this isn't like asking him to tell you what he wants for dinner.
He may very well be confused with his own feelings.
Let him be, he needs to figure this out without you.

kaylle04 · Jul 15, 2009, 11:18 AM

Originally Posted by smoothy

But if there is nothing for him to confess to?

It's been two years of so so so many red flags, a lot of details I left out being too in to depth and long and drawn out to write about and have people understand it to be able to give advice.
I hate the fact of feeling this way about him or even considering him being bi-gay whatever. But I'm usually always right about feelings this deep, just really wanted others to give me their views and see if my feelings at this point are normal.
He also cheated on me which I didn't mention but he acts the same way about those questions as the cheating questions till he got caught red handed and have no choice to confess. Those very same actions to being accused of just really worry me.
In the end I think I just need to get over him and move on.

Justwantfair · Jul 15, 2009, 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by kaylle04

In the end i think i just need to get over him and move on.

The important part to remember.
Good luck to you.

smoothy · Jul 15, 2009, 11:48 AM

Originally Posted by kaylle04

It's been two years of so so so many red flags, alot of details i left out being too in to depth and long and drawn out to write about and have people understand it to be able to give advice.
I hate the fact of feeling this way about him or even considering him being bi-gay whatever. But im usually always right about feelings this deep, just really wanted others to give me their views and see if my feelings at this point are normal.
He also cheated on me which i didn't mention but he acts the same way about those questions as the cheating questions till he got caught red handed and have no choice to confess. Those very same actions to being accused of just really worry me.
In the end i think i just need to get over him and move on.

The point I was trying to make is what if all the "red flags" are things only you see? Our gut feelings while right at times, are sometimes wrong at others.

You may think "gay guy" but he may be perfectly straight and not have a clue about what you are expecting him to "confess". Particularly if the thought has never crossed his mind.

danielnoahsmommy · Jul 15, 2009, 12:54 PM

Basically she has to decide weather she wants to stay with this man, straight, bi or gay! She found him kissing another man and has viewed photos no women in my opinion would want to see. What do you want him to admit/confess to. Deep in your heart you have your answer. Now you should ask yourself weather you can live this way!