[rosebud135]

So I've been in a relationship for about ten months with my boyfriend. He buys me things and says he loves me 24/7. I love him to death and honestly don't know what I would do without him. But the negative part of this is that I'm not happy. I feel that he's emotionly abusing me but I can't tell. He doesn't call me names or anything like that and certainly doesn't hit me. Instead he wants to be with me 24/7. Im 16 and he's 18. I always thought I wanted a relationship like this but now that I have it I dred it. I've hung out with friends 3 times since me and him have been dateing. And every time I call him when I get home we fight. He makes me feel guilty because he didn't do anything that day. He says that I care more about my friends then him and that I don't care about him. I don't even try to see my friends anymore because I don't want to fight with him. Hes also had me stop a lot of things I use to do. Im not saying that's a bad thing but I really do miss my past. I've tried tlking to him countless times and he always seems to get his way. How can I have a life but include him in it?:(

[ResearchLover]

It appears that he is not secure and is possessive, and this in itself could turn into an ugly situation. It could also turn abusive, so watch for signs.

[HelpinHere]

But the negative part of this is that im not happy. I feel that hes emotionly abusing me.... :(

Well, you are correct. He's being controlling and manipulative, trying to run your life.
There are many possible reasons behind this, but, as far as you are concerned, you need to get away from him. You can't really help him, and you aren't helping him by staying with him.

However, I am concerned for you, as by saying "i love him to death and honestly dont know what i would do without him." it shows you are becoming too dependent. I mean, you are only sixteen! You should have things in your life MUCH more important than a boy, such as family, friends, and school.

[rosebud135]

I know he is insecure and I don't know why. I was a so called "party girl" before I dated him and he knows that because he was my best friend before we started dating. He's only had one other girlfriend and that lasted a little bit over a year. I've had about 6 other bfs before him and he thinks that I'm going to cheat on him even though I have never cheated before.although my exs cheated on me several times. I don't know I think its because we came from 2 wayyy different clicks and he just doesn't like my old lifestyle.

[phoebe123]

Your question is quite similar to mine.. its hard isn't it. Maybe start by inviting your friends around when he's there as well? That way hell relaise how well u get on with them..

[HelpinHere]

Well, have you ever talked to his only ex? There has to be a reason they broke up. I'd listen to her side of the story before believing anything someone manipulative like him tells you.

Obviously he doesn't believe in who you are, or else he'd let you be your own person. Instead, he's trying to make you an extension of himself.
Also, it appears that you haven't had luck in choosing good mates, as you have six ex's, including those who have cheated on you.

I recommend ending it with him.

[rosebud135]

I HATE!! His ex girlfriend. She was the one that dumped him. She dumped him then 5 minutes later called back crawling back. But he said no to her. I use to be her friend when they were dating and now we aren't because she's crazy. Literally. She tries to talk to him all the time saying she wanted him back and they broke up 2 years ago. She's a nut case!

[fishburn7]

he's trying to make you an extension of himself.

Just throwing this out there... but assuming this girl is in it for the long haul and getting married is somewhere down the road. Shouldn't you both be looking for an "extension of yourselves"? I know that's a completely different question but I'd marry someone who makes me better, without obviously controlling me, someone who makes me happy for one and someone who makes me work harder in every other aspect of my life for them.

So my question is... wouldn't you look for an extension of yourself to marry?

[Jake2008]

There is danger when you allow yourself to be controlled. When it starts with little things like 'don't wear that outfit', or 'I don't want you talking or hanging out with that person', and ' why do you talk this way, act this way' etc.

Then it starts to be isolating. That is a very big, flashing, red, neon sign. When you allow someone to take away your freedom, to avoid arguing and to appease the boyfriend, you are giving up your own power, and succumbing to his.

A controlling person has a lot of needs due to their insecurity and fear of being dumped. Their thinking is that the more control they have over someone, the less likely they are to lose them. This skewed type of thinking gets more and more aggressive and demanding as their needs constantly have to be met and reassured.

He is concerned only about your needs inasmuch as his are met. He provides gifts, makes you feel good about yourself, but not for you as a person, but for you as a tool for him to maintain his dominance over you.

If you are not allowed the freedom to have your independence, to go out with your friends, to not be afraid of how he is going to react, and keep the status quo, I can guarantee you, guarantee, that he will not ever compromise.

You are not imagining feeling suffocated, and you are not feeling and seeing things that are not happening to you. The nature of your relationship with him is toxic, and it will not get better.

Don't allow yourself to be a victim of a controlling man. Or anyone for that matter. Ever. When you have the doubts you do, and you are compromising your principles, and feeling trapped, it is time to get out and never look back.

[HelpinHere]

my question is... wouldn't you look for an extension of yourself to marry?

In my opinion, having someone as an extension of yourself isn't healthy. You should have someone you can "meld" with, so to speak, and become one with.

I'll explain:
Making one an extension of you, makes the relationship all about you. If you get your significant other to become an extension of yourself, then they are you, in a sense. They have become so used to what you determine for them, and what you would choose, that they automatically do what the controlling partner in that relationship would, instead of being their own person.
Becoming one with someone is different; better. To become one with someone is what most people look foreword to. You find someone who you are so compatible with, that instead of one controlling the other, they both fit each other. Instead of walking into Subway and the controlling person saying "2 BLT's" they will both walk into Subway, say "BLT" together, and laugh about it...

I guess you can say an extension is someone that you force to become like you, and someone you can become one with is someone you are naturally like that. Neither of you have more say in the relationship, because, in the end, you both want the same thing.


Of course, this is just my opinion on how to use the terminology, others (yourself included) are welcome to disagree. I am simply explaining why I said what I said.


After re-reading Jake's post, I'll add this.
It needs to be a compromising relationship, not a controlling one.
Compromise. Com\promise.
I'll lose the COMmand, and it's a PROMISE.

[jmjoseph]

The most important part of your question was " I'm not happy", if you're not happy now, then move on. HE'S going to get worse and YOU'RE going to be even less happy. You're young, and I know it's hard for you to understand, but one day you will look back on this and say " wow, I sure wasted my time on him". How dare he make you feel guilty for having friends? He wants you to be his and his alone, to him you are his property. Do not allow this to go any further. He blames you for him not having anything to do ? No. Get out while you can. I wish you luck.

[fishburn7]

I understand now... so what you're saying is you want someone who in themselves makes you a better person, or completes you?