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jenniepepsi · Jul 13, 2009, 05:55 PM

Originally Posted by confusedgirlie

He often says that ... he's masturbated for so long he can't any other way. I know it stresses him out because he WANTS to when we have sex .... and he can't. I think this makes him even more depressed :(

This makes me want to Really EMPHASIZE him going to the doctor. If he is depressed, it can be helped.

confusedgirlie · Jul 13, 2009, 05:58 PM

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

while it DOES happen that men find porn more attractive than thier lovers, its not the only reason, and its definately not the first thing you should look to. most of the time, if a man is no longer sexually atracted to you, he LEAVES. especially if he isnt married to you, and isnt 'stuck' in the relationship know what i mean?

I know what you mean. I have asked him if he is attracted to me... told him that I would understand if he wasn't and that I don't want to force him to be with me if he doesn't want to be with me. He always replies "If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be" I am a big girl too - always have been since I met him and I have always said to him that I know I am not like the skinny girls in the porn he watches etc... but he says porn is just something he watches and I turn him on in so many more ways than porn. I am just feeling bummed... like there should be more I can do to help him but that maybe I am the problem. I don't want him to feel trapped because I would hate for him to be with me because he has to.

Mister M · Jul 13, 2009, 06:04 PM

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

...going to the doctor. if he is depressed, it can be helped.

It might be an answer, but I tell you communication is the base of any relationship, so... talk to him, don't be afraid to do this, he might need your affection.

confusedgirlie · Jul 13, 2009, 06:07 PM

Originally Posted by Mister M

It might be an answer, but i tell you communication is the base of any relationship, so ... talk to him, don't be afraid to do this, he might need your affection.

Trust me - there is no lack of communication and/or affection in our relationship. We never fight, we don't argue. We get along SO well. We're best friends as well as lovers. We laugh at how other people always fight, how silly people are for not communicating etc... We talk about everything... but the fact remains - he is shy and he is frustrated at his inability to orgasm during sex. I know he doesn't want to have kids and I have suggested we use condoms so we have better protection but that doesn't seem to help either.

Mister M · Jul 13, 2009, 06:11 PM

Originally Posted by confusedgirlie

Trust me - there is no lack of communication and/or affection in our relationship. We never fight, we don't argue. We get along SO well. We're best friends as well as lovers. We laugh at how other people always fight, how silly people are for not communicating etc... We talk about everything ... but the fact remains - he is shy and he is frustrated at his inability to orgasm during sex. I know he doesn't want to have kids and I have suggested we use condoms so we have better protection but that doesn't seem to help either.

Well then put into his place and see what's his desire... What would you do in his place...

Gemini54 · Jul 13, 2009, 06:21 PM

I still think that you might benefit from an objective third party assisting you with this issue.

If you're both so well suited and can talk about everything - then talk about this and figure out, together, what you're going to do.

Getting on well together is great - but the mark of a good relationship is being able to talk about and work through the really difficult issues.

confusedgirlie · Jul 13, 2009, 06:47 PM

I am working on that - trying to get him to open up about it. I am sure it can't be easy for him and he always says "I'm so F*@ked up". I try to reassure him but if he feels that he is messed up there isn't much I can do to help him.

I suggested we see a therapist for this but I think we're going to investigate the medical avenue first to see if there is something medically wrong with him. If all is well in that department, then some therapy might benefit us both.

Mr. M? I am not sure what you mean by your last comment.

simoneaugie · Jul 13, 2009, 07:16 PM

What kind of porn does he watch?

Why does a source of pleasure, for both of you seem like a gross place for him? Is there a bad history there for him?

What parts of life he afraid of? Why is porn such a source of comfort and normalness for him? Why doesn't he watch it with you? Shy, I could be totally wrong, but I don't think that's the reason he won't masturbate in front of you.

artlady · Jul 13, 2009, 09:47 PM

Originally Posted by confusedgirlie

He often says that ... he's masturbated for so long he can't any other way. I know it stresses him out because he WANTS to when we have sex .... and he can't. I think this makes him even more depressed :(

It is a vicious cycle and the only way it is likely to change (if not a physical issue) is to stop what he is doing now.
Success in bed is not always measured by having and maintaining erections,or even orgasm.

Taking it slow and being open and avoiding the stress of performance will be a good way to begin.Set a goal not to have any orgasms,mix it up a little.

Performance anxiety can be a real downer.

If he is bored during the afternoon,there are many other hobbies he could be engaging in besides porn and masturbation.
He needs to understand the change needs to begin with some of his behaviors(possibly) and he needs to decide what he is willing to give and give up to make your relationship better.

brucep49 · Jul 13, 2009, 11:50 PM

Sounds like me, I have some high blood pressure but I've been trying to stay away from salt and fast food. Check him for high blood pressure it couldn't hurt.
My wife and I had the same problem and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't perform. I never had a problem satisfying her because I know how to work my tongue pretty good. See if he's up to using a dildo on you it might turn him on. I don't know how you feel but many men have a secret desire for threesomes. Maybe things will be up and run its course. You never know until you try! :)

Gemini54 · Jul 14, 2009, 12:26 AM

Originally Posted by brucep49

Sounds like me, I have some high blood pressure but I've been trying to stay away from salt and fast food. Check him for high blood pressure it couldn't hurt.
My wife and I had the same problem and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't perform. I never had a problem satisfying her because I know how to work my tongue pretty good. See if he's up to using a dildo on you it might turn him on. I don't know how you feel but many men have a secret desire for threesomes. Maybe things will be up and run its course. You never know until you try! :)

I'm not sure that threesomes are a good solution when they can't even manage a good twosome!

artlady · Jul 14, 2009, 12:38 AM

Originally Posted by brucep49

Sounds like me, I have some high blood pressure but I've been trying to stay away from salt and fast food. Check him for high blood pressure it couldn't hurt.
My wife and I had the same problem and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't perform. I never had a problem satisfying her because I know how to work my tongue pretty good. See if he's up to using a dildo on you it might turn him on. I don't know how you feel but many men have a secret desire for threesomes. Maybe things will be up and run its course. You never know until you try! :)

Secret desire ,fantasy is one thing ,bringing someone else into the mix takes a very stable relationship,of which this is not,right now.

Synnen · Jul 14, 2009, 04:15 AM

If there are issues between TWO people, bringing a THIRD person in is not going to HELP with those issues---unless the third person is a counselor, and you're TALKING with the third person, not having sex with him/her.

Chey5782 · Jul 14, 2009, 07:49 AM

I would like to know what HE is trying to do to make it better. You both seem aware of the problem, and his response is to say he's messed up and watch porn? I know, that sounds harsh, but if he is so wonderful in every other aspect, and willing to try, and is affectionate... He should be more open to trying anything at all.

It may be that be is putting too much pressure on himself as well. I know my hubby will do that once in a while and then he gets frustrated and can't finish, and he's such a vanilla the idea of doing something else for me doesn't seem to occur to him. If he has such a hard time ejaculat*** the issue sounds more like something he needs to talk to a doctor about. Especially if you have tried everything.

As for getting him betwixt your nethers, if he doesn't like the way our anatomy looks, try turning the lights off! Some of the most interesting experiences you wind up having intimately can come from experimentation and a willingness to be open. That sounds to me like the biggest issue, and your biggest hurdle, trying to get him a little more comfortable being open about it.

By the way, if you do go to counseling, try having him go to the doctor first, if it is medical, he will stop blaming himself and it will be a huge sigh of relief!

smoothy · Jul 14, 2009, 08:15 AM

The guy NEEDS to see a doctor, to determine if its medical or psycological in nature. Until its determined WHICH it is this is all just guessing.

confusedgirlie · Jul 15, 2009, 05:34 AM

Thank you all for your input. We are seeing a doctor about it.

We talked the other night about it... it was a long discussion. He says he watches porn when he is bored because there is nothing else to do. He has chronic pain and can't do too many physical things. We are investigating for some sleeping disorders right now because he suffers from insomnia. He wakes up at 4am and can't get back to sleep so he goes downstairs. He said he watches porn strictly out of boredom. When he is done doing all the other things he normally does to alleviate the boredom, he turns to porn. He says "when I am bored, I do what most other men do - I look at tits" and he assured me that he doesn't masturbate. His lack of sexual desire right now could be linked to so many things: chronic pain, financial stress, work stress, medical condition, lack of sleep, etc. and until we thoroughly investigate all the avenues, it is hard to know what the problem is. He understands why I feel the way I do and has promised me that the only times he does masturbate is with me. He used to masturbate several times a day and has really pushed that back to maybe a few times a week. He wants to please me but has so much going on right now it's just one more thing to add to his plate of stressors so I don't push him too much.

I know he loves me and wants to be with him and I am sure this will sort itself out in the end either by discovering what his medical conditions are, when the financial and work stresses are resolved and/or by seeing a therapist/councilor. But... this is going to take some time. For now... I don't want to push him. He is such a great guy... I don't want to add even more stress to his life by making him feel bad about his inability to ejaculate during intercourse. He feels bad enough about it himself. I think his inability to ejaculate during sex is one of the many reasons that he isn't really that interested in having sex too often because every time we do have sex he is faced with his inability to finish.

As far as threesomes go etc... he has never had any of those experiences. I would call all of his experiences VERY Vanilla. I, on the other hand, have had very many different experiences which I have shared with him. He is intrigued but at this point is not interested (though he jokes about having another woman with the "can I watch" comments etc. what man doesn't have a pervert in him?) - in reality, he says he is not interested in adding other people to our sex life. I don't blame him.

This is going to be a slow and steady thing. We will examine the medical, the stress and finally, if all else fails, the "emotional" or mental side of things. It could be in his head.

jenniepepsi · Jul 15, 2009, 07:14 AM

Sounds like he needs a hobbie.
video game? Cable? Movies? A book? Anything to make him not reach for 'himself' in bordom you know?

Chey5782 · Jul 15, 2009, 07:30 AM

I'm glad to hear it! I hope it made the both of you feel better to talk about this. One less stresser can be so so helpful. Good luck!

smoothy · Jul 15, 2009, 08:25 AM

Cronic pain can be the major factor there... nothing like pain to keep the noodle soft. I've had several operations that had me in some pretty serious pain for a few weeks.. let me tell you THAT was about the only thing that adversely affects Willy the one eyed wonder worm from standing at attention.
Do not equate that with guys instinctive nature to like to see naked women. The two are not necessarily linked. We like seeing naked women just like many women like to read romance novels... and before a woman jumps up and says they are NOT the same... I will say to a man seeing naked bodies is no different than a woman reading about romance and imagining the rest.

Depending on how severe his pain really is to him it can be a small factor to a major factor.

confusedgirlie · Jul 15, 2009, 09:24 AM

He doesn't have a problem getting an erection - there is almost never a "soft noodle" problem. It's that he can't ejaculate. He sometimes stays hard for long we have to stop because he knows he can't finish. We don't concentrate on it... but he says he wants to ejaculate... he feels it getting really close and just as soon as it feels so good he's almost going to finish... it goes away and he's left with an erection and can't go on. Sometimes his penis gets SO sensitive we can't even touch it anymore.

He does have hobbies - video games, forums, movies, etc. But when he's exhausted all of those, he watches porn. Like I said - he said he is committed to getting this sorted out and doesn't masturbate when he watches porn anymore. His being single for most of his life has caused his only "sex" to be with himself. Being with me is very new to him and at my request he has stopped masturbating alone. In the beginning he said it was really hard to do but now, I think with all his stress and pain, his lack of "desire" makes his promise not to masturbate without me easier to keep.

He said he's addicted to porn - and he can't seem to help himself and finds himself watching it when he has nothing else to do. So... having said this... now what? I don't have a problem with porn at all - I have a problem with how much and how often and only because we don't have a great sex life. I have told him that if we had great sex I wouldn't care if he watched porn 4 hours a day every single day... I don't have a problem with porn.