[inertia]

General question for the forum regarding all interpersonal relationships. I'm a very open person. I wear my faults on my sleeve and I am very gracious with people. I'm full of sincere compliments. As a good listener I genuinely respond to people. I'm impressed by their successes, empathetic to their losses and aware of their weaknesses. I'm not threatened by other people's gifts and I'm never intimidated because myself worth doesn't revolve around my strengths. However, I have been royally screwed and betrayed in my past. Some folks I meet actually feel superior to me because I'm generous and kind to them without bragging about my own accomplishments.

People call me a "nice" guy, but I'm very assertive, argumentative and inquisitive with people. I'm generous when I have something and someone else doesn't. I'm not attempting to buy their affection, just help them out. I don't ask for anything and I don't judge them for needing something I have. Why do some folks burn me like that. I hate being told "people treat you how you allow them to treat you". I'm respectful to everyone I meet. I'm respectful to all of my oldest friends. I'm respectful to my family. Sure I fight with them all the time (I'm not perfect), but I don't take advantage of people. I'm just at this point in my life where I'm questioning my nature. Is this just the way of the world? Do we all get burned? Is it just a few that manipulate or use others? Everybody just chime in...

[N0help4u]

What you need to do is be a better judge of character and not be so out there willing to do everything for everyone. You have to learn when to back off. You need to learn to say no too. Like if they want to borrow money... NO.
Even if they give you a sob story... NO.
Only give what you don't expect back.
If you don't expect it back and can't afford to give it out then DON'T.
When you give people an inch they WILL take a mile.

What types of things are they doing to burn you?

[susangpyp]

It's a matter of learning who to allow in your life and who doesn't deserve to be there. You DO teach people how to treat you and you're not taking responsibility for keeping people out who will take advantage of you.

It's a matter of sizing people up and setting boundaries. You get what you put up with and you need to let people know you have boundaries and limits.

[redhed35]

Hey inertia,you sound like me.. I do the very same things.
I go out of my way to help people and get sometimes get it thrown back at me,but I'm a carer by nature. I like me. And if someone asks for my help and I can help,I will.
I don't do it for thanks,or a medal,I'd like a cake sometimes,but hey,I am what I am. And I like me.
Some people are nice,some are mean,some are so up there own bottoms they can't see sideways..
I noticed you were able to list your positives qualities,lots of people struggle to do that,negatives,they are no problem with.

Enjoy who you are,the world needs nice guys.

[redhed35]

Nohelp4u,sometimes I feel burned out from people.

People turn to strong people when they need help,they don't look to a weak or emotionally/mental wreak for help.

I keep my moments to myself and only purge on very close friends.

To the op.. just thought of something I heard in a movie 'nice guys may finish last,but there still nice guys'

And really as a woman,I like the nice guys!

[Starry nights]

nohelp4u,sometimes i feel burned out from people.

people turn to strong people when they need help,they dont look to a weak or emotionally/mental wreak for help.

i keep my moments to myself and only purge on very close friends.

to the op..just thought of something i heard in a movie 'nice guys may finish last,but there still nice guys'

and really as a woman,i like the nice guys!

I totally agree with Red on this.Instead of "feeling burned" as you say Inertia,just take it as a hypothesis in your interpersonal relationships,that you are the giver,the carer,the supporter,the nice guy.You are who you are and you really can't choose the way the world reacts to you.
If they use you,or burn and betray you,its just something you have to put up with for being nice.At least you know and are proud of that.Thats a very positive quality.Hold onto that.You can even start making fun of the fact that you get "had" most of the times for being nice:)Humour(specially laughing at oneself)always makes even the toughest situation seem bearable.One fine day,those who think of hurting you will start backing off,when they see how positively and non-chalantly you take their betrayal.
Doesn't mean you need to put yourself out there and act like an emotional fool,but let your detractors know that you are proud of who you are.
And,when it becomes too much,take it out on your closest pals.They are the ones who really understand and love you for who you are.

[inertia]

I'm not some kind of mark for con men. Most guys are physically intimidated by me (rightly so). I'm certainly not stupid either. When it comes to strategy, I consider myself a pretty good chess and poker player. I'm fully capable of hurting people too. I just don't do it. I take other people's feelings into account. Again, someone mentioned that I have control over how others treat me. That's a load man. I'm the guy people call when they need someone assertive to help them. Buying a car, confrontation does not bother me. It's just an absolute last resort. NOHELPFORYOU, you are wrong about being a better judge of character. I think judging others is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Whatever you think of them, you will reinforce. I give everyone a chance. If I get burned, I cut them out of my life. There are no repeat offenders. I equate the "nice" guy stigma with spineless though. I am far from spineless. I just have a big heart. "walk softly and carry a big stick" would be my M.O. The friends that really know me (that have been around for a long time) get it. I'll give you the shirt off my back without needing anything from you. Screw me over and I'll walk away forever. I've walked away from a lot of people though.

[redhed35]

I don't think nice guy=spineless.

I know what a jerk is,an idiot,a loser,a womaniser,a drunk,a fool... dont get me wrong,I'm fully aware woman can behave badly too.

getting burned is not so bad if you can learn from it,sadly some people (me) have to be bloody roasted before they learn their lessons,but if you do,its character building.

you don't sound like a wishy washy kind of man,you sound like a decent type,aka,nice guy.

[louiseismyname]

inertia, you sound like the kind of man that I'm looking for - kind, honest, NOT a cheater, NOT a lier or a loser!!

Never be ashamed of having these wonderful charachteristics!! If you read my post (why does he always lie to me) you will realise what a gem of a man you really are, I hope I finfd my own inertia one day!!

[talaniman]

I'll give you the shirt off my back without needing anything from you. Screw me over and I'll walk away forever. I've walked away from a lot of people though.

That in itself is a tribute to your character, but it has its downside, as some will prove they have to be walked away from and kicked to the curb.

I can relate, as you want to give everyone a fair shake, but in reality they don't deserve it. Its one of those tough judgment calls that you have to make for yourself, and as you get more experienced, the better decision you'll make.

So don't worry about the nog heads, just accept the gratitude of the ones that appreciate your efforts in their behalf.

I am willing to bet the nog heads may be the loudest, but not the biggest group of the people who's lives you have touched.

Just going by the impression you have made on these forums.

I think once you accept that some do not deserve your attention, or consideration, you will focus on the ones that do, and save yourself the anger that those ungrateful, nog heads bring out in you.

Its not an easy decision for nice guys like you, but you'll make the choice to leave the nice guy behind, and just be a good guy, when they let you be.

That's what I think walk softly, and carry a big stick is about. You have to be very willing to knock some head sometimes.

[inertia]

I just have a problem with retribution. As a former Marine, I've knocked plenty of heads. Most folks don't understand what kind of trouble they could really get themselves into with me, but I can't bring myself to show them.

[talaniman]

I just have a problem with retribution

Kicking the unworthy, or unappreciative, to the curb is retribution enough.

[inertia]

Kicking the unworthy, or unappreciative, to the curb is retribution enough.

I'll run with that then. I just wonder why certain human beings operate that way. I would suffer from unbelievable guilt if I betrayed or used someone. You are right tough Tal, about the anger aspect. I have to drop it. I learned how to use anger to sharpen my focus and strengthen my resolve when I served. It is a trustworthy emotion for me. I'd also go to jail if I actually got physical with anyone too. I just wonder what dumba$$ guy would tempt me.

[talaniman]

There are all kinds of folks in this world, and plenty of nog heads and dumb a$$es for sure. They think they are smarter than you, and have many ways to challenge those that they know will kick their selfish, evil a$$es.

There are also many ways to kick dumb a$$es without touching them, or crossing the boundaries of good behavior.

Ignore them, but keep your eyes open.

[N0help4u]

These are just TWO incidents that caused me to realize that I don't have to let people run me ragged and then they take advantage on top of it. I learned that sometimes you have to put a stop to them and think of YOU.

One time this guy asked me to go pick up his girlfriend from the hospital about 6 miles away. I told him I didn't have enough gas to get back. He told me no problem she will give you a few dollars once we get there. I asked him repeatedly can't your dad or your granddad or anybody else do it. He kept telling me no, nobody else was available all day. So I get to the gas station right before the hospital and run out of gas. He walks up to the hospital and comes back with his girlfriend. They get me some gas and his dad pulls up. They see my car still won't start and they take off leaving me there broke down.

Another time a friend cried to me that she needed food because her and her husband and kid were starving could I take them shopping so they can get groceries. So I take them shopping. They get $250. Worth of groceries. She gives me a check and says I can cash it in 3 days. So a couple days later she calls and says her younger brother caused all her checks to bounce so don't bother cashing the check. SO that resulted in me not having money to pay my utility bills.
My gas ended up getting turned off. I spent months with no gas and using a propane grill that I found to cook and heat the place through the winter. She never ever did pay me back. I heard a year or so later that she has borrowed around $300. Of a friend of ours too and instead of paying us back when she had the money she bought a $600. Cam corder.

I have also learned that when you tell people NO they manage to find a way to do whatever without your help. A lot of people who cry about money problems have money problems because they are wasteful.

[Starry nights]

General question for the forum regarding all interpersonal relationships. I'm a very open person. I wear my faults on my sleeve and I am very gracious with people. I'm full of sincere compliments. As a good listener I genuinely respond to people. I'm impressed by their successes, empathetic to their losses and aware of their weaknesses. I'm not threatened by other people's gifts and I'm never intimidated because my self worth doesn't revolve around my strengths. However, I have been royally screwed and betrayed in my past. Some folks I meet actually feel superior to me because I'm generous and kind to them without bragging about my own accomplishments.

People call me a "nice" guy, but I'm very assertive, argumentative and inquisitive with people. I'm generous when I have something and someone else doesn't. I'm not attempting to buy their affection, just help them out. I don't ask for anything and I don't judge them for needing something I have. Why do some folks burn me like that. I hate being told "people treat you how you allow them to treat you". I'm respectful to everyone I meet. I'm respectful to all of my oldest friends. I'm respectful to my family. Sure I fight with them all the time (I'm not perfect), but I don't take advantage of people. I'm just at this point in my life where I'm questioning my nature. Is this just the way of the world? Do we all get burned? Is it just a few that manipulate or use others? Everybody just chime in...

The best part about your judgement of yourself is that you come across as being very aware of yourself and what goes on in your relationships with people.

And going by your balanced approach,tone and method of putting forth your thoughts,there is no reason to question that judgement or awareness.

Which implies that fortunately or not,you are blessed with qualities which we call "good" qualities.

Which brings us to the inevitable point of what does one do when one knows one is good with others but gets taken advantage of that.Does he/she change themselves,tow the line and start being more like others,as in,more guarded,more un-helpful,more un-trusting so to say and therefore feel less taken advantage of and exploited.

Or does one carry on being as before,knowing that there will be many such occasions(maybe)where this feeling of being exploited will return again and again throughout their lives?

Inertia,end of the day,you need to live with your own feelings and emotions.If you find its getting hard to accept being burned and betrayed for who you are,do everything in your power to change that.

If you can live with the way things are,then hold on to who you are and the way you have always been.