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neohauoli · Jun 29, 2009, 09:56 AM

All I wanted when I got married was a happy marriage and a beautiful family. I wanted us and our kids to do things together. In fact, it's been the opposite. It always seems that no matter what I do my wife seems to drift farther apart from me. Plans are made without me, trips are taken without me. I truly tried to make her happy. Two years or so ago, she asked me for a divorce. I did things financially that are not good. I began gambling heavily, drinking, and bascally being an awful person. For 4 years I didn't go out or drink. After she asked for the divorce, I lost it. Why would she want that after I've been trying so hard to make her happy, after being a good husband and father. I'm out of control now, and buried in debt. My wife and I are still together, but are basically roommates. She goes out on her own and I on my own. We do not do anything together. She hasn't shown me any affection in over 2 years. When I try to show her affection she turns me away. I've never been so depressed in my life. I need hope and guidance. I need love.

justcurious55 · Jun 29, 2009, 09:59 AM

I'd suggest couple's counseling. But it sounds like she might already be set on leaving. So if she refuses the offer to participate, try counseling on your own. It helps to have a neutral person to talk to and get advice from

I wish · Jun 29, 2009, 10:45 AM

She's already asked for a divorce and has not made any attempts at repairing the marriage.

It's sounds very clear to me that she's moved on with her life. What's making things so difficult for you is the fact that you are still living together. Why can't one of you move out? Living in the same house and not being a couple is just going to cause you unnecessary pain.

You need to be on your own to get your life back together. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, but it's time for you to realize that she doesn't feel the same way about you. But don't let her change of feelings bring you down.

topkay · Jun 30, 2009, 03:45 PM

I feel so sorry for the situation of things in your home. Is there anyone whom your wife has a lot of respect for. I mean a person of integrity You may need to brief such person and allow the individual to intervene in this situation by talking to her. On your own part, continue to show her kindness and consideration. If she will agree, schedule an appointment with a marriage counsellor. Above all, pray that God should touch her heart.

19traped · Jul 8, 2009, 08:45 AM

I agree with the whold you should not live together thng if after 2 years you guys been like roomates you guys are just huting urselfs its hard to be not wit the person and living wit them

Jake2008 · Jul 11, 2009, 08:37 AM

I think that with you gambling, drinking, and being an awful person as you say, might have something to do with it.

She stuck through the worst of it, probably pulling her hair out, and totally stressed out over how she was going to pay the hydro bill. Most likely she begged you to attend counselling and turn your life around. And every time you walked out the door during that time, you chipped away at your marriage.

I'm sure you'll admit you weren't a good husband, and not much better at being a father. And this was by choice. If you are still buried in debt as you say, you must have also been depressed, up and down with the moods (thinking you would win it all back and more), and not doing much to help yourself.

While you abandoned her emotionally, physcially, and financially, what did you expect.

It is too little too late. To turn your history around means you have to change. Have you had addiction counselling? Attended AA/GA meetings?

It isn't a matter of what you have done at this point, the damage is done. What matters is what you do for yourself now so that you can get your life back on track, face the consequences of what you have created, and hope that when you do 'get it' and become a reliable, honest husband again, maybe you still have a shot at your marriage.

This isn't about what she is doing, or wanting, this is about what you created to put her in this position in the first place.

ifrah moh · Jul 11, 2009, 10:07 AM

Iam deeply sorry for this unfortonate situation that you have go through,that being said you should know that if you truly love her and you know that you will never love anyone despite her then stay and you fight for the woman you love that is it ,weather it is counciling or something else.and hounestly what caught my eyes about this question is that I lost my mother 8yrs ago and her and my dad were separated and now for the last 8yrs my dad lives in despair wishing he could simply do more and you really look like a really good husband so you do all that you could ever do for it to work,but sometimes the best you could for the person you love is letting them go, it doesn't mean you should stop love them you are just letting them go.I hope you do what is right for you and your wife.

N0help4u · Jul 11, 2009, 11:49 AM

I agree with the others she most likely feels like a prisoner and resents you for not giving her the divorce. Your relationship sounds beyond repair to me.
You can't make her love you.

Emma-Louise · Jul 11, 2009, 12:06 PM

Sadly it is a fact of life that relationships break down. Sometimes there are no signs that there is something wrong - sometimes one partner chooses to leave for reasons they never tell you. In most cases the breakdown of a relationship is more gradual with clear signs and signals along the way , maybe you just missed these or saw them yet was easier to pretned they were not there. Many look back and realise there were indicators long before real problems arose.

Relationships can be a source of love and when you married your wife you expected to stay together forever - but forever is a long time. People change and want different things. At any stage of your life if they go wrong they can cause a great deal of anguish and can have a devastating effect , you choose to drink and gamble.

Problems in relationships don't always have to mean splitting up or divorce. With help, there is a way to repair and make changes so your relationship can heal but both parties need to want it to work and as your wife has asked for a divorce tells me she has decided the relationship is beyond repair.

You need to respect your wife's decision to separate.

Emma-Louise · Jul 11, 2009, 12:08 PM

Can I also state that your question is all about you and your feelings - where do the children come into this?

It can not be much fun for your children to be in the middle of such an unstable environment.

N0help4u · Jul 11, 2009, 12:12 PM

Yeah maybe you should make some plans of your own and include the kids.

Emma-Louise · Jul 11, 2009, 12:44 PM

Plans are made without me, trips are taken without me.
Proves your wife does not want to involve you in family choices.You are not welcome on family trips.
I wanted us and our kids to do things together. In fact, it's been the opposite.
What you wanted and what you did were two different things.I do not think you have been a great role model at all to your children.
I did things financially that are not good
We all make mistakes but in a good balanced relationship we talk and work threw problems together.
I began gambling heavily, drinking, and basically being an awful person
Here is your problem - during this selfish period of your life your wife and children were left behind , you became a stranger to them a person they did not like.You lost all respect from your wife who during this time still had to look after the children the home and pay the bills.
after being a good husband and father
What by gambling and drinking and refusing to accept your wife's decision that your marriage is over?
My wife and I are still together, but are basically roommates
My guess would be you have refused to move out.
She goes out on her own and I on my own.
Your wife will end up resenting and hating you. It would be best for all round if you left her to get on with her life.
We do not do anything together.
Your wife wants a divorce so why would she show you affection or want to do things with you?
I've never been so depressed in my life. I need hope and guidance.
What you need is to seek professional help. You have many issues that need addressing.

Furthermore you need to start thinking about the effects this is having on the children , it is damaging enough to kids to see their parents separate worse still when the parents still live under the same roof yet lead separate lives.There is no love left in this relationship and for children to see this it is soul destroying.

Do not think your kids will not know what is going on, they know, they see, they hear and they pick up on the tension.

Do what is right by your wife and children and find somewhere else to stay. Accept your marriage is over and concentrate on building on the relationship with your children.

Sometimes even if you love someone the best thing is to let them go.

paulea · Jul 11, 2009, 01:00 PM

After reading 'Jake2008's' take on your situation, I think that about says it all... it's about taking responsibility for YOURSELF and not focusing on the other, ie: the blame game. We all make our own beds and then we end up sleeping in them as my folks used to say to me and my siblings long ago. It is too bad some of us have to learn the hard way, but it is never too late.

A 12-Step program is a Spiritual program which encourages the steps needed for healing one's own self; life. Maybe a start can be to admit one's own wrongdoings, shortcomings, and then making a list of those we harmed, making amends to them and asking them for forgiveness... which does not necessarily mean that they trust may you again, but at least your slate is clean and you may go on from there with better 'karma'. Best wishes for you and your growing up process.

JudyKayTee · Jul 11, 2009, 01:37 PM

Originally Posted by 19traped

i agree with the whold u should not live 2gether thng if after 2 years u guys been like roomates u guys r just huting urselfs its hard 2 b not wit the person and living wit them

Please don't use text speak on the adult AMHD boards.

JudyKayTee · Jul 11, 2009, 01:38 PM

Originally Posted by topkay

I feel so sorry for the situation of things in your home. Is there anyone whom your wife has a lot of respect for. I mean a person of integrity You may need to brief such person and allow the individual to intervene in this situation by talking to her. On your own part, continue to show her kindness and consideration. If she will agree, schedule an appointment with a marriage counsellor. Above all, pray that God should touch her heart.

Here's a thought - maybe she HAS been praying; maybe God HAS touched her heart; maybe God has told her that it would be for the best if she would leave him and protect herself and the kids from his reckless behavior.

briancp34 · Jul 11, 2009, 03:17 PM

Ive read a lot of the answers and advice that you've gotten for your question. I have to say you've gotten some good replies. One thing I can tell you though is that I've come out of a similar situation. How old are your kids? Splitting up may actually be the best for your case. My wife and I split up and a couple months afterwards I asked my oldest sons (6yr and 9yr) how they felt about that. They both told me "Well you guys don't fight anymore.". We still fight, but if she starts to get out of hand I can hang up on her. Are you still close enough to each other interpersonally that you know specific characteristics of each other. It sounds to me that you've been together long enough that you'll be closer than you know for longer than you think. You have to think to yourself that just living together while she is so bitter towards you is really just tying the knot on the nues around you neck. Think back to what drew you two together. What were the characteristics of your person that she loved so much that she needed to marry it?
Is she not only interested in moving on with her her life but also into finding companionship with other men?
Talk with her and find out if she is interested in seeing a counselor. That does mean that you need to show her that you've identified the major negatives in you and that you want to change them specifically because you prefer her as apposed to the strong yearn that you have for that taste of whatever addictions you may have. To show her that you want to change for her andset her loose from the said "prison" she may feel she's set in, may help to start to bring you together again all by it's self. But your efforts have to be sincere, and you can't abandon her or the kids for any length of time. She still needs her own space, her own elbow room. But try to be close enough to let her know you care and are working for her.
Talk to her and find out if there's any part of you, that she might still have any respect or interest for you. I know that sounds harsh, but I would give thousands to hear some of the advice that you've gotten before my marriage was doomed. I think you might still have a chance with your family ideal. Marriages have been heard of to recover from things like this.
I hope I've been able to give a little hope.