[jenniepepsi]

Sometimes I hate my husband...


I know... I married him... I knew what he was like when I married him... I could have walked away and didn't...


Usually everythign is fine...


My husband has mental retardation due to being trapped in the birth canal too long during his birth... I have accepted this... I still love him, and it rarely interferes with our marriage...


But sometimes I just want to scream and leave him...

He acts like a CHILD!! I am already bipolar and adhd. And while I know that its not a crutch, it certainly doesn't make anything easier... he sets me off in ways I never knew possible! (one of the reasons I KNOW I love him. If I didn't love him, it wouldn't effect me in such a way you know? It just wouldn't bother me)

I can't do ANYTHING without him complaining about wanting to do it too. I am going to my sisters place this weekend for her birthday. She is having a girls night in for her birthday. Girls only. No men, no kids. And drinking.

And of course, my husband says 'well... fine then, you know what? I'm going to my friends house to drink then, and if you dotn like it then go stay at your moms house all night'

I NEVER said he couldn't go drinking with his friend. I never once even HINTED at the fact that he wasn't 'allowed' to do so.

This isn't the ONLY time he does this. If I even buy a bottle of water or juce or soda at the store while grocery shopping (we live in Arizona and it gets HOT, sometimes I just need something to get me back to the car you know?) he looks at me and says 'oh, so YOU get one... im going to buy one tomorrow then!"

And again, I never ONCE said he COULNDT have a soda!



... thanks for letting me vent on this... any advise is greatly apreciated... we are already seeing separate therepists, him for depression, and me for my bipolar. I'm wondering if we need more than that... and also if he needs an 'adult with special needs therepist' I'm not sure what its called, but you know what I mean?

[JudyKayTee]

Feel free to vent and know you are with friends who listen and that's the end of that. It doesn't get thrown back in your face.

Marriage is tough and a work in progess and it sounds like you have other obstacles, too.

I wonder if you've tried counselling together where you could say, "You do this and it drives me up a wall" and he could respond instead of both of you talking to different therapists - ?

[artlady]

Having a mate with special needs is most likely going to be a challenge throughout your marriage.

While he may be able to change many of his behaviors that annoy you I am sure there is a limit to what he can change due to his special needs.

Having said that,I think it is important to have an objective third party to talk to when you are feeling frustrated by his behavior.
Perhaps there is a support group for family members with MR in your area.

His need to do and or have whatever you have is his way of trying to feel equal to you.Thats the way I see it.

Give him positive reinforcement when he is showing independence from you and encourage him to have activities for himself.

Something that will make him proud of his accomplishment,help his self esteem,so he does not feel as though he needs to compete with you.

Just a suggestion.And we are always here to listen :)

[jenniepepsi]

Thanks ladies.

artlady your right. I do believe that him acting like this is a way of trying to be equal to me, to show 'im the man of the house and anythign you can do I can do too'

I have considered getting counselling together. And we probably will as soon as we get our insurance (we are waiting on the approval letter)

I have to admit and be honest with myself, sometimes I DO tend to treat him as if he is my child rather than my husband. And I am working on that. Its hard not to sometimes. If I ask him to clean the kitchen for me he is more than willing to do so, but I have to remind him of EVERYTHING that 'cleaning the kitchen' entails. Or he will just do a sort of half job of it.

So in a way I do feel like I'm a baby sitter. And I know I have to stop that...


I am not sure where his feelings have come from. I have never made him feel like he needs 'permission' to do anything, and I never have a problem when he wants to go hang out with his friends after work rather than coming home, and I never make him feel like he is not important. Quite the contrary I always tell him that I couldn't run our house hold without him.


Thanks for listening guys.

[MsMewiththat]

thanks ladies.

i have to admit and be honest with myself, sometimes i DO tend to treat him as if he is my child rather than my husband. and i am working on that. its hard not to sometimes. if i ask him to clean the kitchen for me he is more than willing to do so, but i have to remind him of EVERYTHING that 'cleaning the kitchen' entails. or he will just do a sort of half job of it.

so in a way i do feel like im a baby sitter. and i know i have to stop that...


i am not sure where his feelings have come from. i have never made him feel like he needs 'permission' to do anything, and i never have a problem when he wants to go hang out with his friends after work rather than comming home, and i never make him feel like he is not important. quite the contrary i always tell him that i couldnt run our house hold without him.


thanks for listening guys.

I know it's not an explanation for his behavior but some of that can just be normal rather than his disability. I think sometimes personalities dicatate that we are either stronger or need some guidance. Most man I have ever lived with needed a little mothering along the way and reminders of how to clean a kitchen "properly".

[jenniepepsi]

That's true msmewiththat, I have heard that before from other wives.

[JudyKayTee]

Having a mate with special needs is most likely going to be a challenge throughout your marriage.

Excellent point and one I missed - from personal experience my husband had very serious health issues from day number one and I often had to cut him some slack because he was so sick. Any other time, any other place, I would have probably bitten his head off but I did not because of his health.

Maybe this is something to consider, too.