[Buzby]

New to this and not sure how this works really but I'll have a go anyway. It seems to be an all-in-one type answers place, lots of technical stuff. Is it suitable for what I'm going to ask, I don't know.

I need some advice (and a rocket up the bum!) on my life, in particular, at home. Marriage, breaking up, devasting people etc. etc.

In short (I'll get to the details if I think this is the right place, sorry):

I'm not in love with my partner anymore. Of 16 years. I don't know what I can do, should do, shouldn't do.

I am as far from big-headed as you can get but this will devastate them. There's a history of reliance there, egged on in fact by me being too attentive. Now the relationship has become more plutonic (?) than husband/wife/lover type thing.

That's just a fraction of what's going on but I'm not sure if this is the place for it. However, I'm losing it, big-time, constantly upset, down, miserable blah-de-blah and cannot talk to anyone. So this must be worth a try?

Yours (in hope),

B

[jolienoire]

Be true to yourself and if you can't put your heart into it take yourself out if it. Be honest, communicate your feelings.

What has caused you to fall out of love, is it an affair, another woman/man?

I Mean the worse thing you can do is to not say anything about it, and keep it bottled up inside.

I know how difficult it must be to talk about ending a relationship with someone you spent over a decade with, but nothing is more devastating than losing who you are because you sacrifice to be in a position in which you are unhappy.

I mean do you think that spark will ever come back? Or are this feelings stemming from you wanting to be with someone else?

[Buzby]

These feelings stem from a couple years now of unhappiness. Because of how our relationship has changed and also for a longing to be with someone else.
But, because of my lack of action, this someone else has/is moving on now. But I don't want to hold my partner back with me not loving them as a spouse should, properly - in the heart, mind and body. You know?
This is such a cliché but I love my partner, unconditionally, but I'm not in love with them. What I felt for another recently is something I have never, ever felt before. I don't think I'll feel it again, ever, for anyone else. Because they're moving on, I am devastated.
I am cracking up because I love my partner, don't want to hurt them. I don't think I can get that spark back.
I am a very bad communicator; very bad. I cannot talk to anyone about this kind of stuff. That's why I'm here.
In a double-ironic way, I want to be happy, I want to make sure my partner is happy but I'll make my partner unhappy by me seeking happiness so I don't want to make them unhappy and in turn I stay unhappy? Phew.
This is really tearing me apart, my work is suffering, my relationships with others and family are suffering.
All I really want is to be with this someone else. But I'm heartbroken now and don't see me being with anyone who I love as much as them (they were my first love many years ago). And this feeling of heartbrokeness (if that's a word) I don't want to inflict on my partner.

[jolienoire]

How I feel for you, but to be honest being a bad communicator has to be resolved, because no relationship will survive without that communication. Have you ever been to counseling?

Some people believe or convince themselves to believe that the grass is greener, only to find that the vicious circle repeats itself, you fall in love, you become happy, and then some how this relationship remind you of the one you just got out of. This happens to people who rush into relationship without doing self improvement.


Also I must add it is never idea to become involved in another relationship without fixing the first one. Sometimes it is so easy to become emotionally attached to someone else because we are failing in one relationship and become very vulnerable.

The bottom line is that you have to come clean, get it off your chest. You feel guilty because you are not being truthful about the situation to yourself nor your partner, and they deserve that at least. You can't continue to live a lie.

If you truly feel the only way to progress is to end this marriage, than that is your choice, but make sure that your feelings aren't jaded by expectations and anger that your other affair has moved on. You could be feeling like this now about your spouse because you are not "in love" but may even find yourself regretting even that decision if you left.

In the end you have to sit down first with yourself, and weigh the pro's and con's to your decision, and take it from there. With every decision there are results. Just don't make them hastily and find yourself even more emotionally damaged.

Maybe counseling can help.

[Buzby]

Your reply is very profound! Thanks. It's funny, when I read it first, I kind of thought "no, i don't agree" because it wasn't what I wanted to hear!

But my feelings for this other are incredible, unreal almost. I'm so scared I'll lose this person and never have the same again (although I think I've lost them already).

It's not that I'm afraid to be alone, just without them.

[jolienoire]

Yo

It's not that I'm afraid to be alone, just without them.

Well, obviously you can survive without them, you have been. You made them too much a priority to your happiness.

Detatching someone from your life is devastating I am aware of that.
Almost like losing a limb, an amputation. All amputations is not death although crippling, but now you have to recover and learn to deal with that part of you that is gone.

You have to redirect the importance of that person and place it into yourself.

[ZoeMarie]

I could be off base here, but is it possible that you don't think your in love with your partner because you've been distracted with this other person? Maybe now that this other person is moving on you will be able to sort things out for yourself and decide if you really do want to break it off with your partner.

[I wish]

By not being in love with your partner anymore, it's already hurting them. Just because they don't know about your change of heart doesn't mean they're not getting hurt.

Your relationship has become a lie and you're suffering for it. If you're not happy and not in love with your significant other anymore, why continue? You're lying to yourself and to that person by not letting them know your change of heart.

Make it a clean break and move on with your life.

[anewday]

As you say, you're bad at communicating. Maybe these feelings for another person have stemmed from all of the built up resentment of all the little problems that you can't communicate about with your spouse?
This person comes along and appears to be fantastic, but is he really? Do you know him well enough, or is he just an apparition? An embodiment of all of the things that you think that you've lost with your spouse, projected onto someone else?

[mum2five]

Being dumped is one of the most devastating things that happens in life. Therefore, one should always weigh the reasons for walking out, making sure of this decision before making it final. Once you are sure, though, it's important to remember that your soon-to-be ex was once your love. Although breaking this relationship off is certain to be painful, especially for the person being dumped, it's important to be respectful of the other person's feelings, and try hard to do as little damage as possible.

Be certain you want to end the relationship. Don't use the threat of leaving as a tool to get your way in an argument. If you say it, be prepared to back it up with the action, or else take the threat off the table before you make it. Discuss problems openly and directly with your partner before you make up your mind. Many men and women too suffer for years and never bring problems up with their partners. This isn't healthy. What about trying counseling together. Is that an option ?

If you have made up your mind to leave this relationship then just do it - Don't be wishy washy, thinking to let the other person down "easy." Stay strong, you have already made your decision. This does not need to be a dramatic, escalating event. Ending a relationship on the phone is acceptable and even recommended in some cases. If your ex is prone to outbursts, violence, or manipulative behaviors and also prevents the dumpee from the embarrassment of having you watch his or her torment. But you have been together a considerable amont of years and I think you should be taking about how you feel.

Your partner will typically react with anger or with wonder, shock, panic. If he/she responds with anger, try to remain calm and attempt to calm him/her. If s/he begins raging, it is pointless to try to explain further - but don't just hang up or walk away. Instead, say, "It's not helping to just yell at one another. I've made my decision, and I won't change my mind, but I will talk with you if you can remain calmer. Take some time to settle down, and then call me - we can talk again then." If there are questions, give honest and direct answers to those which will not pointlessly hurt the person. Lying will only frustrate your ex.

If you are not ready to answer the questions, be honest and admit that you would like a few days before you answer. Set up an exact time for you to discuss what went wrong, and keep the appointment. In any case, you should not expect your ex to shrug and say, "Okay, I understand." and then kiss you goodbye and wish you well. The more shocking this is, the more extreme the reaction is likely to be, and you should have some compassion for the human condition, and prepare to allow your former love to react as a normal human being might. It may not be pleasant, but you owe your ex the courtesy of some honest answers, the kindness of just a little more of your time, and the dignity s/he deserves as a person who cares for you.

[talaniman]

Your not that governor from South Carolina are you? He has the same story you do.

You have been so distracted and now heartbroken, because you have chosen to run away from your problems at home, and seek happiness elsewhere.

Go talk to your partner, and communicate, which is easier when your honest. They may tell you to leave, and that's okay, because you really should, but if your honest, they may be able to help see all the consequences of your actions and especially your inactions.

For sure your not saving them any hurt, and pain, nor yourself any dignity, by not being straight up honest, with yourself, and your partner.

[ajGambino]

That's just a fraction of what's going on but I'm not sure if this is the place for it. However, I'm losing it, big-time, constantly upset, down, miserable blah-de-blah and cannot talk to anyone.

You're in love with someone else, that should explain your feelings up until this point.

Staying with your partner is only hurting your relationship and everything that grows around it. That being said, I'm sure you know what you should do.


It's not about what you want anymore, do what you have to do to make things right.

[Buzby]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. It's been deep!

I am incredibly emotional right now and your replies have moved me to tears. I must consider things over the next days because I cannot carry on hurting everyone. It's just stupid and selfish, almost cowardly.

One final question hopefully you (anyone of you) can guide me on:

I am quite sure I will not "fall in love" with my partner again as much as I love them and would do anything for them and regardless if there's anyone else on the scene. So, is it right for me to carry on and be together as husband/wife (perhaps surprisingly, I am the husband!) and try mke my wife happy? Or am I better to let them move on and find someone else, live a proper life?

Thanks again.

B

[Buzby]

You're in love with someone else, that should explain your feelings up until this point.

Staying with your partner is only hurting your relationship and everything that grows around it. That being said, I'm sure you know what you should do.


It's not about what you want anymore, do what you have to do to make things right.

Short and to the point, ajGamino. Thanks.

[talaniman]

If I were you, I would work very hard to get my act together, and give my family the love they deserve. I mean very hard.

I think you really need to put your emotions in their proper place, and act like a husband, and father, and make amends for your past behavior.

Happiness comes from within, and is shared with those who are important in your life, but to get there, all that poison, and BS, must be cleansed from you.

Denying your family of the 100% love, and emotion, must be changed, and the sooner, the better, as once you get totally dedicated to doing the right thing, you can stop being a coward, and accept the responsibility for the consequences of your actions, and end this misery, and pain, you have brought to yourself, and your family.

I wish you luck, and hope you can see through your own selfish desires, and learn to love yourself, forgive yourself, and gain the ability to spread the love, to those that depend, and need you.