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saratk · Jul 2, 2009, 09:27 AM

We are in New York City. My baby boy's father and I have not been together as a couple since I was 4 months pregnant. Due to various reasons, I chose not to put him on my son's birth certificate. I left the "father" section blank. I have never asked anything of him but he comes and visits his son 2-3 times/week and is having 10% of his weekly paycheck debited into an account I created solely for my son. We always argue, however, and he keeps threatening to take me to court so that he gets more freedom in seeing his son (i.e. I don't allow him to take my 4-month old to his house where the landlord smokes pot and there's always construction going on. I also don't let him take the baby out of my sight for more than 2 hours. In addition to me solely breastfeeding, I just don't feel comfortable with his capabilities as a responsible father.) I'm just wondering how far this could actually go. Would he be able to eventually get equal rights as a parent? Also, he is not a U.S. citizen. He has his green card but not his citizenship. Not sure if that makes a difference. Thank you in advance for any help.

Justwantfair · Jul 2, 2009, 09:35 AM

He can assert his rights as a father and of course, he has rights as a father.

At any point, he can take you to court and have visitation court ordered and that will allow him more then 2 hours aways from you, often at least alternating weekends.

I think he has been fairly understanding and doesn't seem to be pushing the issue, as you have not listed him on your child's birth certificate (?? ), he is continuing to support and visit the child without your direction and he is doing it on your terms without much argument apparently.

If I were speaking to him, I would definitely encourage him to establish paternity, since you choose not to do it at your child's birth. To what benefit is it, that your child is without a father?

stevetcg · Jul 2, 2009, 09:52 AM

Yes, right now you have things pretty much your way. He is absolutely right... if he goes to court and fights for paternity... and its not much of a fight to be honest, he will be granted more than you are giving him right now. He may end up paying a bit more in support, but will definitely be entitled to more visitation than you are allowing him... including taking the child to his home.

nikosmom · Jul 2, 2009, 09:53 AM

If he chooses to push the issue he can. He can file for a court ordered paternity test establishing himself as the biological father. Once he is declared the bio father, he can seek visitation which unless there are extenuating circumstances, he will be granted. Seeing that he has been involved in the child's life already and you haven's said he poses a danger, I see no reason that the court wouldn't allow him visitation. At this point you would have no choice but to comply else find yourself in contempt.

saratk · Jul 8, 2009, 06:23 AM

I do not allow the baby out of my site with him because he has a history of depression for which he takes medication and is mentally unstable. His emotions get out of control very easily and he has threatened me with physical violence more than once in my home with the baby. Do you have any idea if these considerations would change what the courts would mandate?

stevetcg · Jul 8, 2009, 06:25 AM

Originally Posted by saratk

I do not allow the baby out of my site with him because he has a history of depression for which he takes medication and is mentally unstable. His emotions get out of control very easily and he has threatened me with physical violence more than once in my home with the baby. Do you have any idea if these considerations would change what the courts would mandate?

They might, if you can prove/document them. If you cannot, its just mud slinging and courts generally ignore that.

saratk · Jul 8, 2009, 06:36 AM

In addition: he has not once been able to get the baby to stop crying nor go to sleep, he always has to hand him over to me to do that. He leaves breastmilk sitting in the sun, forgetting that it's been there for hours, and then goes to give it to my son again, takes the baby (only 4 months old) to an outdoor pool at high noon on a bright, sunny, cloudless day, and, instead of carrying him like a baby, insists on putting him in a large cushion and carrying the cushion around. When asked to go get a washcloth for the baby's bath, he brings back bathroom tub & tile wipes, constantly accuses me of sleeping around and always refers to the boyfriend I'm spending time with despite the fact that I have not even looked at another man since I got pregnant, and has no qualms about shouting around the baby if something happens that he doesn't particularly like. Am I painting a better picture of why I'm not happy to have this man in my child's life or do I just sound neurotic?

saratk · Jul 8, 2009, 06:39 AM

Thank you all for your time in answering my question :).

Justwantfair · Jul 8, 2009, 06:44 AM

It sounds like he doesn't have any experience with babies.

Suggest parenting classes for him, as he hasn't any parenting sense.

You can always tell the judge your concerns about his parenting abilities, but the smartest idea would be to help him learn.

saratk · Jul 8, 2009, 07:19 AM

Definitely a good idea re: the parenting classes and one I might have hope in if he was a first time parent. Alas, he has 5 other children that he left behind in Venezuela when he met an American woman there and moved here with her. So as he's now on his 6th, I have very little faith things will change at this point. I know, I know... my decision-making skills were not at their peak performance when I became involved with this man. Lesson learned, albeit a little late.

stinawords · Jul 8, 2009, 09:03 AM

You are right that pushing more and more blame on him (about the multiple children left behind) as a reason for him to not be around the child he has with you will not look good in court because it was your choice to get involved with him and the judge will point that out. The question remains the same though... can you PROVE any ill parenting that would encourage the judge to order parenting classes. Also keep in mind that if you never leave the two of them alone he probably won't ever be able to put get the baby to sleep because he can get stressed about you breathing down his neck and baby's can tell those things. I have kids of my own each one is different when it comes to how comfortable they are with other people. It's great that he sees him a couple times a week but for how long are they actually allowed to bond by themselves?

JudyKayTee · Jul 8, 2009, 09:14 AM

Originally Posted by saratk

I do not allow the baby out of my site with him because he has a history of depression for which he takes medication and is mentally unstable. His emotions get out of control very easily and he has threatened me with physical violence more than once in my home with the baby. Do you have any idea if these considerations would change what the courts would mandate?

Once again I have to ask - when you were having sex with him did he have multiple children with multiple mothers, did he have a history of depression, was he on medication and mentally unstable? Was he violent and threatening?

If so - I don't either one of you is fit to raise this child.