[taoplr]

ouch & thanks, i'm once again in denial.

i feel stupid for trying to read anything into this. even when i looked at it from the outside, i still wanted to analyze it. grasping for any assemblence of true feelings from her. what a joke. maybe this is what ive been waiting for in a way.

i guess shes been ok since before the breakup. now im pissed she even tried to suck me back in. makes me feel like crap, but can't stop thinking about it today.

was i first thought was a speed bump turned into a mountain.

i guess until i remove her from the equation, i wont be free.

i go from being strong to weak. lame.

Self-judgment costs extra. What are you learning? When you just stay neutral and look, what do you see in yourself? Aside from being an attention magnet, what are you getting from continuing his?

Tao

[jmw0713]

Everyone has their ups ad downs when going through this process. You're not alone. I've been doing well over the past 9 months. I still have times of weakness and sadness. The amount of time that I spent feeling this way has gone from days to a minute every so often. I still think about things, but not nearly has much as I did even 2 months ago.

It takes time. Just give yourself the time you need to heal and get all of the painful emotions out. You will get better and become happy.

[chuff]

i feel stupid i go from being strong to weak. lame.

That's not stupidity. That's love. That's what billions of women want from a man and you gave yours to one who screwed it up. She's the stupid one. Do not start talking to yourself like that because you, everybody here, and I know it's not true so don't lie to yourself.

for trying to read anything into this. even when i looked at it from the outside, i still wanted to analyze it. grasping for any assemblence of true feelings from her. what a joke. maybe this is what ive been waiting for in a way.

Sure you were grasping. Tal, Tao, AJ, JMW, and myself have all been there grasping for any hope but speaking from somebody who's grasped and gone back I can tell you, you are better off continuing the journey to peace without her. Look at all she's caused, and for no real reason other then her own selfishness.

In you last post you wrote about about grasping for straws that were razor blades. Is she worth the pain of the grasp? I don't think she is and I think you know it on a logical level but you emotions are still raw and clouding you some. But you wouldn't let her slice you with razor blades so you don't and shouldn't slice yourself by going backwards.

i guess shes been ok since before the breakup. now im pissed she even tried to suck me back in. makes me feel like crap, but can't stop thinking about it today.

I have to be honest, I disagree with you. Feel like crap? You should be feeling pretty good about yourself. It wasn't you that caved in. It wasn't you that sent a one sided message. It wasn't you begging to find out how she's doing. No sir. She's the one who got a hard lesson in who was stronger between you two, and the answer was obviously you. Don't feel like crap for winning this game with her, because in this game of who's stronger and who won't break contact you whipping her sorry a$$.

was i first thought was a speed bump turned into a mountain.

Maybe but since she contacted you and not vice versa she's under the water in the river at the bottom of the mountain, so she's farther down then you are.

i guess until i remove her from the equation, i wont be free.

You are free now. You may still have memories of her, but you freedom is available to you now.

i go from being strong to weak. lame.

You have this all backwards. She's the weak one, contacting you because she knows she screwed up and she wants to make herself feel better. You are the strong one resisting the drug of love who's looking it and responding to her and saying I can fight on.

Lame no. Not even close. Going from strong to weak? More like going from strong to stronger while she goes from weak to weaker desperately calling you while drowns in the river as you hike up that mountain.

Van, please start seeing yourself for how I, and if I may speak for the other posters, everyone else start seeing you. Strong as hell, determined, committed, smart, and tough as sh!t if the face of emotional turmoil and still going. This entire thread from the OP to now has been nothing but a strong man getting stronger, but you have to start seeing it because it's there and if you just look.

[vanheart]

Thanks chuff for the king words & support.
I appreciate it very much & it helps.

Feeling pretty numb & wiped out today. Didn't realize that email would affect me so much.

I guess sometimes I forget and deny how self absorbed she is, and continues to be whether its towards me or anyone else.

But know that's in the past & I have jumped over another hurdle.

Everyday is different & I'm trying the best I can.

[jmw0713]

Read what chuff said. Take those words to heart, because they are true. You feel week only because of what happened. Keep your head up bro! You're a lot stronger than you think. Hell, you're a lot strong than me. I caved and broke NC...you didn't and I applaud you for that.

Give yourself time. It part of the grieving and healing process. You are dealing with a heavy loss. It's only natural to feel this way. Stay positive and keep moving toward your future. Try and think about all of the things you can do for yourself now that you are FREE!! You don't need her to accomplish anything in your life. You can put all of your time, resources, and energy to things that you want, and not have to split it up for anyone else (if you don't want to).

[vanheart]

Cheers, jmw.

I'm just doing what I think is right. Mostly from everyone's help here.
Don't know what I would do otherwise.

Trying to separate my mind from my heart.

Thanks so much these past couple days...

[jmw0713]

Not a problem. That's why we are here, to help others that have to go through this BS.

Here is a thread that I think you should read through... just to get you in the right frame of mind to move forward.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...le-335663.html

[vanheart]

Thanks,

I've read that one. Funny.

I just wrote down all of the reasons I thought from her perpsective of why she emailed me. Had 30 or so scenarios down. Had to laugh at a few...

Then summed them up & looked at byron katie's 4 questions.

Could I truly believe any was true/had proof? Nope.

Does it matter? Nope.

What was REAL is that she emailed me looking for a green light to call me. Am I going to give her that? Nope.

Am I learning to move on? Yup.

[jmw0713]

You are in the right frame of mind!

When you start feeling weak and wanting to break NC, just come back to this thread and re-read what is said here, and vent. It will get you back to thinking positively and back to what you know you need to do. Plus you will have all of us picking you back up and brushing you off.

[vanheart]

I know I will be back to vent.
Isn't going to break NC though...

[chuff]

aint gonna break NC though...

Strong getting stronger.

[vanheart]

Hey,
Its been a couple weeks.
Ive been keeping busy, exercising, socializing, etc.. Had some nice times.

Also, have had some teary & low breakdowns and sadness, feelings of rejection and such.
But have been plowing.

What's been hard lately is that I am still thinking about her & this daily. Its in a way way been maddening. I go from feeling sick to hate, wonder & still writing notes to help myself. Everyday has been different & try & resolve my thoughts before I sleep. In whatever way I feel helps. Im trying so hard.

I get so mad now that I am dwelling on this. I want it to stop. Sometimes I yell at myself to stop. I wish there was some magic pill I could take to remove her from my thoughts.

I know that Im being strong & doing the right things, but don't in any way feel like myself. This sucks. NC is one of the hardest things Ive had to do.

She tried to call me yesterday on my cell, no message though. I know she's coming into town this next week or next. And I know I shouldn't even care if that's why.

Need a bit of advice on how to help myself to stop, or at least stop dwelling. Even I know know that my thoughts of her are just memories, and not really about her physically. I awake to this & my nights are filled with these thoughts. I want more than anything to move on.

Thanks for listening once again.
Van

[vanheart]

BTW,

Read this in the "Open letters to my ex" post. Has helped the past few days.

I know Ive written dozens in my mind, some on paper & never sent. Still do in my mind.

This should be a sticky in itself:

Dear ex,

You may wonder why I am writing to you now. There are things that I deserve to say to you regardless of whether you will hear them or not.

You treated me very badly indeed and when you walked away you showed no concern, remorse or guilt for the way that you behaved.

I think you're probably the most immature, selfish, cowardly and irresponsible person I have ever had the misfortune to meet.

You lied to me, you showed no respect for me and worst of all you kicked me hard when I was down.

I say these things to you now with no desire for reconcilliation, as I can think of nothing I would like less.

I am simply exercising the right to express myself which you denied me when we broke up.

You have showed yourself in a very bad light indeed and I now understand fully why you don't like yourself very much.

You are cold and callous and you played games with someone who showed you nothing other than love and respect.

The only mistakes I made during our relationship were to treat you like an adult and place my trust in you.

You are, to put it simply, a horrible person.

I wish you luck with the denial and fabrication that is your life.

Ironically, if I were to send this letter, I would be giving you the gift of justification.

You are unworthy of my attention and I have no desire to give you anything more, so it will remain unsent.

I would guess that this speaks to everyone that has loved & been dumped.

[taoplr]

... Had some nice times... had some teary & low breakdowns and sadness, feelings of rejection ... been plowing.

... still thinking about her & this daily. ...Im trying so hard...I want it to stop.... doing the right things, but dont ... feel like myself....

... how to help myself to stop... I want more than anything to move on.

It's good to hear from you, Van, even though I am sorry to learn that your struggle continues.

As I see it, you are always at a decision point: you can go out or you can go in. If you conclude that the source of your anguish is outside of yourself, specifically her, then denigrating her as best you can might be the solution. The open letter does this pretty well.

If you conclude instead that your pain will subside and maybe disappear altogether if you go deeper within yourself, find the source and transform it, then further inner work awaits you. In this case, you might also decide that stomping her in your mind is a feel-good-now-behavior, but an unproductive distraction from the real work in the long run.

You might also take inventory of what you are doing for yourself: What's working? What's not working? What's missing?

Tao

[talaniman]

Your plan of healing needs tweaking, to get through those alone moments. How are you sleeping?

[vanheart]

Thanks.
I will try & take a harder look at what's working & not. I agree, bashing her seems to only help briefly.

Tal, no not great sleeps. Usually awake really early, up for an hour or so, then crash again.

[talaniman]

Its important for good sleep to balance your day, your eating habits and activities. Not only will this help the body functioning well in a few key areas, but makes for better sleep cycles. That helps the brain, and keeps the energy level up. QUALITY sleep cycles are as essential as eating.

Paying attention to those small things add up.

[vanheart]

Im trying.

[taoplr]

Thanks.
I will try & take a harder look at whats working & not. I agree, bashing her seems to only help briefly.

tal, no not great sleeps. usually awake really early, up for an hour or so, then crash again.

Do all three categories: working, not working, missing. The third is the most generative, and you need to generate something that you haven't identified yet: the remaining steps to freedom from this suffering, steps you can take and be through with this.

You did some good work during the process, had some revealing dialog, got in touch with your inner self a bit. I get the impression that as soon as you started feeling a little better and could socialize, you stopped that work. Is that correct?

If so, I understand. Without ongoing guidance and raw determination to build the required skills for finishing the job—being completely free from your pattern of suffering in this particular way— it's hard to continue the work. Resolution seems far away.

But you have all that you need to solve this, to be done with this, within you. If you indeed "want more than anything to move on," you might be motivated to get back into your innards and process some more, which I recommend. You will find levels. Reach the requisite level and the conversation you will have with yourself will be pivotal.


Tao

[vanheart]

Thanks Tao,

I wouldn't say I stopped, but maybe haven't been as dilligent and forgetting some key things. I will try & work harder.