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talaniman · Jun 23, 2009, 06:48 PM

Sorry to disagree Cadillac, but one of the consequences of having sex is pregnancy, no matter the other benefits, or how much you love it.

Jake2008 · Jun 23, 2009, 09:34 PM

I wish more people were honest about their feelings regarding pregnancy, and were upfront about it.

I think it is unfair to judge a man who was honest about not wanting children, and then implying that somehow he is to blame entirely. Two people were involved here. If the agreement to not have children, suddenly turns into "I think she's going to keep it", then I too would be suspicious. If she meant what she had said and honest about her agreeing with no children, she would not be wanting this baby.

Why didn't she go for a tubal. Why is the pressure on him for a vasectomy.

There are so many women who 'accidentally' become pregnant, and suddenly the pressure is on for her partner 'to do the right thing' and 'step up'. I see no reason why such an important agreement between two people not to have children, should turn into him changing his life around to accommodate her deception. IF it was deception, but regardless, she has to shoulder some of the blame here.

If I were in your shoes, and she decides she wishes to become a mother, then there is nothing you can do. I can't see how anybody can blame you if you each decide to go it alone.

danielnoahsmommy · Jun 24, 2009, 02:42 AM

Lets try not too blame anybody... it most likely was a slip up.

The baby is coming he should figure out now what he wants to do.

It is very normal for a woman who thought she did not want children to change her mind when she becomes pregnant.

N0help4u · Jun 24, 2009, 07:55 AM

What I see here is that you want everything favorable and about you. Love, life and growing are about commitment, compromise and sacrifice. So if you can't make compromises and except having an addition to your family then you need to move on and get a divorce. But as others have said you need to be a man about it and pay the support.
Superficial love says "I can't handle a pregnant wife" "I can't live in the same house as a kid" "I no longer have feelings because a kid is now in the picture''

talaniman · Jun 24, 2009, 07:58 AM

I don't think its about blame, its about dealing with what life throws at you together. You can make all the plans in the world, but must still make adjustments when something happens to change those plans.

Whatever the circumstances, she is pregnant, and that takes two. They both deal with it. How is up to them.

ScottGem · Jun 25, 2009, 04:18 AM

Originally Posted by aishaHashmi

sself
I personally can understand, you simply were not mentally prepared, nor did you want to be, for a child.

Comments on this post
aishaHashmi disagrees: not very nice and a bit judgemental.

May I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedba...ure-24951.html

Sself01 · Jun 25, 2009, 07:28 AM

Ler her keep the post, I don't mind its her opinion.

She has a doc apointment Monday to make sure she is late and how far long, alone with a shrink, Tuesday we go to her hear doc for her regular yearly checkup and get his opinion. Personally I hope and pray he says she has to abort, because it seems she has already madeup her mind.

Also I understand it takes two people, but when this happens the only opinion that matters is the woman's, the man has no sayso in this situation and can only force himself to be there for the kid, making them both unhappy, or a divorce which will drain him financially for something he didn't want/or had a voice in.

talaniman · Jun 25, 2009, 07:48 AM

But when this happens the only opinion that matters is the woman's, the man has no say so in this situation

That's not true at all, the man has to make a decision before he does the deed, based on the fact that sex CAN lead to pregnancy. That's what I teach, all the young guys, including my own son. Men lose the power of choice, once a woman get pregnant.

After that it is what you do about it, that matters. But there are consequences, and rewards for any action that are taken. I teach them that also.

The point being, don't lay all the blame at the feet of the woman, as you play a part in what has, and will happen.

Jake2008 · Jun 25, 2009, 12:25 PM

While I agree that once there is a pregnancy, both parties have to decide what to do.

But we all know that women 'forget' their birth control pills, and are able to easily trick a man into having sex, knowing they are fertile. We have millions of babies born 'by accident'.

When a marriage produces a pregnancy, and there was deception involved, it does seem to me to be unfair to the husband. I'm not saying necessarily that this OP's partner purposely got pregnant, but she would not be the only one to execute such a plan for purely selfish reasons.

With the agreement being no kids, even before a marriage was established, and one gets pregnant, it just doesn't seem right that the father is on the hook for the next 18 years.

I don't know if its possible, but is a prenup which states no children, and both parties have agreed, can the father have a legal leg to stand on? Just a'wondering here.

The OP's life will change forever. I do think though, for someone like him that is honest and upfront, he will do the right thing, regardless.

stevetcg · Jun 25, 2009, 12:30 PM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

While I agree that once there is a pregnancy, both parties have to decide what to do.

But we all know that women 'forget' their birth control pills, and are able to easily trick a man into having sex, knowing they are fertile. We have millions of babies born 'by accident'.

When a marriage produces a pregnancy, and there was deception involved, it does seem to me to be unfair to the husband. I'm not saying necessarily that this OP's partner purposely got pregnant, but she would not be the only one to execute such a plan for purely selfish reasons.

With the agreement being no kids, even before a marriage was established, and one gets pregnant, it just doesn't seem right that the father is on the hook for the next 18 years.

I don't know if its possible, but is a prenup which states no children, and both parties have agreed, can the father have a legal leg to stand on? Just a'wondering here.

The OP's life will change forever. I do think though, for someone like him that is honest and upfront, he will do the right thing, regardless.

Tricked a man into having sex? What did she do... "hey - look over there... BAM... sexed!"

No man has ever been tricked into having sex. Might have been fooled into believing that birth control is not also their responsibility... but that's not the same...

Jake2008 · Jun 25, 2009, 12:57 PM

I mean more that in the normal course of sexual relations between a married couple who believe that their promises to each other not to have children, when one party or the other, does not disclose that they have stopped taking birth control.

So, party 'A', 'forgets' to take their pill for a few days, and party' B', has NO idea. So, thinking it's just sexing as usual, has a BIG surprise when party 'A' 'suddenly' gets pregnant.

I'm a little suspicious is all.

Party 'A', if they had forgot quite by accident, say they were in a coma or something, then they would have a good excuse, and Party 'B' would have been made aware of a much greater chance of pregnancy, and would have taken precautions.

I'm feeling a little silly here, but the only point I'm making is that, well, it's sad to be stuck in a situation that you think is under control, only to find that maybe, just maybe, a solemn promise was broken.

Jake2008 · Jun 25, 2009, 05:36 PM

Hahhaaaa you got me! :rolleyes:

*tosses giant snowball your way*

Jake2008 · Jun 27, 2009, 03:08 PM

Califdadof3, what's with the 'reddie'?

I have no idea what birth control methods this couple used, or didn't use, and in no way do I imply that using the pill will prevent pregnancy 100%.

I was merely pointing out the possibility of deception, which isn't hard to do, if one stops doing what they normally do to NOT get pregnant.

Most people realize that no form of birth control is 100% safe. Me included.

cdad · Jun 27, 2009, 07:39 PM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

califdadof3, what's with the 'reddie'?

I have no idea what birth control methods this couple used, or didn't use, and in no way do I imply that using the pill will prevent pregnancy 100%.

I was merely pointing out the possibility of deception, which isn't hard to do, if one stops doing what they normally do to NOT get pregnant.

Most people realize that no form of birth control is 100% safe. Me included.

In case it wasn't clear enough what was written in the " reddie " that I gave you and was removed. Its really up to both parties not just one party to participate in birth control when the expectation is to not have children. The way you came off sounding to me is that it's the responsibility of just one side. That's why I gave it to you. Had both parties been usung some form of contreception the then the likelihood of one party tricking another into having a child is a lot less.
Its clear by the OP's situation that this has been a one sided ordeal.