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 Originally Posted by none12345
I know that it's only been 3-4 weeks, but I would've thought that she'd at least be nice enough to reply, even if it was a simple "I'm fine". I don't even dare try and work out what she's thinking. There could be a myriad of reasons. I know that I shouldn't compare, as we're both different people, but when my ex's got back into contact with me, and asked how I was/what went wrong/wanted some closure, then I gave it to them. I guess I just can't understand. I'm still holding onto the slightest of hopes. Even though I know that it's ridiculous. That if she wanted to get back with me then she'd contact me, and she hasn't, even when prompted. Unfortunately (as I guess is normally the case) the person she broke up with wasn't really me, so she has no incentive to get back with me, at all. |
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Originally Posted by anewday
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Aye, I agree, again :P I've been messaging her sporadically for the past week. Just small talk about "did you get your stuff?" "how are you?" etc. She dropped the hint that she was going out a lot, and didn't have much time at the moment. Foolishly I asked her "how comes?", to which she didn't reply. Today though, she mentioned that she wouldn't be able to message much as she was going to a race meeting this weekend with the guy that I was worried about previously. So, she's either using him, or she's seeing him. If she is using him, then do I really want to be with her anyway? That's a kind of nasty thing to do. If she's with him, then why keep messaging me? Again, that's a pretty nasty thing to do, and not something that I'd be comfortable with, if I were him. I guess I knew all along. I can't really be mean about it to her, but at least I can be privately angry, and a little appalled. I think that I'll always harbour a little bit of hope that we'll get back together one day. I have with a couple of my other ex's, even though I broke up with them, as we had that little something. I utterly regret breaking NC. I really thought that I'd be OK with it, even if she was seeing someone else. I'm not feeling good about it now. Time to start NC again! |
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Originally Posted by anewday
It always seems like in the moment it is the right thing to do, but it never is. |
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I sent her an email saying goodbye. Her seeing someone so soon after us breaking up has totally screwed me over, and I really can't be doing with her being in my life.
I never should have broken NC, so I feel utterly foolish! Back to square one! Well, not square one exactly, as I feel infinitely better than I did a month ago, but a backward step nonetheless. Oh well, onward to healing! |
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Originally Posted by anewday
Oh well, I didn't listened to the people when they told me not to either and I learned it the hard way I guess that's how we really learn. You are not foolish. You were in love. The only foolish thing is to allow yourself to break it again and ruin your healing process. You kow what they say. Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice shame on you! =P |
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Originally Posted by anewday
Look, you are going to make mistakes... many, probably, before you get things going in the right direction. You know what, that's OK. That's normal, for a period! It would be worse if you didn't even realize you are making a mistake. The hardest thing I had to deal with was understanding that this process of healing is about ME, and has NOTHING to do with her... NOTHING! It is about YOU. Do for YOU, and get the train moving in the right direction. We all screw up. |
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Originally Posted by kctiger
Unfortunately I miss her incredibly today. My heart is screaming at me to pick up the phone and call her; just telling her how much I miss her and how I still love her. My head is telling me that she probably isn't missing me at all, and has probably already fallen out of love with me. Contacting her would do nothing for her, and more importantly would do nothing for me. Looking back and analyzing different aspects, it becomes clearer as to the main reasons we broke up. They were the reasons that worried us both when we first got together, that held us off on getting together. At the start, those worries just faded to the background, but as the relationship settled down, they reared their ugly heads again, and we didn't communicate about them. End of. At least I have the comfort blanket (in a mean way) that I'm facing up to my problems, whereas she's just jumped into another's arms with the problems still intact. |
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You are getting there; just keep going. I'm going through a tough time as well and can really identify with what you are going through.
The fact that you recognize what you must do is the most important step; now that you are there, now it's just about making the mistakes along the way of doing it, but while keeping that ultimate goal in mind. |
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I've just spent the past half hour crying. Today has been a horrible day in regards to her. It's a repeat of yesterday, but twice as worse. At some points today I was feeling much better, and then I rollercoastered down again. I even had typed out "I miss you so much" on my phone, before erasing it. The email that I sent 3 days ago basically surmised the problems within the relationship (the ones that without them, would've meant the relationship would've continued) which I apologised for if they were my faults. I thanked her for the way she had treated me, and how it had been a good relationship. I told her how I was moving on and improving myself. Then I said goodbye. Sending her a text telling her that I miss her will totally undo that. I know that NC is the way to go to help me move on, but I just miss her so incredibly strongly, even though it's now been 5 weeks since the breakup, and a bit less than 7 weeks since I last saw her in person (yes, she broke up with me on the phone). I have that image of her waving goodbye to me for the last time, and it wasn't even a problem then. I thought that I'd be seeing her in a weeks time. I had just started a course of medication so I was pretty bad company that day, and I can't help but think that how I acted on that day swayed her judgement. It's hideous to think that the last time that she saw me I was acting so unlike myself! Just wanted to vent really :( |
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You keep venting, keep crying and keep letting it out. I know it's hard. No shame man, none at all. It will get better. This whole detox process is going to get harder before it gets any easier. |
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Originally Posted by anewday
I know its hard, I've been there myself but sorry if this is harsh but its time to suck it up. Forget about it, stop dwelling on the past and look towards the future. Don't get me wrong its better to embrace the hurt instead of keeping it bottled up but enough is enough. Dwelling on this for too long is just a complete waste of time. Trust me. Hope things get better. - none12345 |
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Vent away. Get it out.
I'm going to tell you that I'm glad you cried. If it gets the pain out then I say do it as much as you need to. Do not contact her again. Not just because it will help you but because every time you do you are making the bad situation worse. She's already left so she just sees this as weak behavior and that is not who you are despite a momentary emotional loss in your life. As none said, all you need to know about her character was her break up over the phone. That's the real her, not the girl you made her to be. She also knew long in advance that she was dumping you so don't assume it was based on one day. It caught you off guard but not her, which is part of why you are still in shock. |
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I've completed a little experiment over the past couple of days. My doctor suggested upping my medication as it was initially used to treat my ME, however it's also an anti-depressant. As I've been feeling pretty down recently, he suggested that I up it. As an experiment, I quadrupled my dosage to see if I could recreate how I was on the first 2 weeks of the drug (the end of that period being when she dumped me, and during which the drug was still settling into my system). I did recreate it. I was emotional wreck. Crying, stressing, snapping; totally not myself. The week before she broke up with me, she had just been visiting her parents for the weekend. When she'd got in, she'd phoned me, but I was asleep so missed her call. About an hour later I woke up, and phoned her. She said that because I hadn't picked up, she thought that I was out or whatever, so had arranged to bake some cakes & then hang out with the guy that she was seeing a lot of. I was annoyed at myself at not picking up that phone, and my emotional state was pretty messy due to the medication. I completely over reacted. I was over reacting before that too, due to her staying out late when she hadn't been before, but offering no explanations. Of course I worried, but I wasn't myself at all. It's quite hard to explain, but after trying out my little experiment I realise now how in the last few weeks I was this emphasised negative aspect of myself. The main reason she broke up with me was because of this aspect, which had during those last few weeks, manifested itself into something much larger. It was 5 weeks yesterday. I knew on the Monday before then that it was on the rocks and probably unsalvageable, so that's 6 weeks. It doesn't feel like shock anymore. I've thought about it, and although there is the missing of someone (anyone) being there, it's more the missing of her as a person. She wasn't perfect by any means (who is?), but she captivated me, and drove me. A problem was that before I'd entered the relationship, I was happy with who I was. But after we'd got together, I realised that I wasn't who I wanted to be at all. Not because of a negative influence on her part, but more on my part, as I'd been in a semi-comatose state for a few years. Hindsight says that I should have stopped the relationship there, and improved myself, but I'm sure you all know how hard it is to stop something that is blossoming with excitement, expectation, and hope. Therein lies the problem. We had a great connection. Even though we didn't share many interests, we connected on almost every level. She was the first woman that I'd even considered spending the rest of my life with. I know that there's time & probability on my side to find a similar connection, so that's not my worry. It's more a worry that if we'd met later on in life, then that would've been it. I know that it's a learning process, and I can take the many lessons learnt here to make sure that my next connection is even better. BUT. There's this little voice in the back of my head that says “she's set the bar high. Maybe too high”. I know that it's good to be on your own for a while, and you need to be happy with yourself before you can share that with someone else. But I don't want to settle for anything less than what she was (even if she was pretty cold in the way she ended it, didn't give it another chance/more time, etc), and it's just so frustrating! If I knew what I know now, then I would've pulled my head out of the sand, and done something about it. She could have done too of course, but obviously I'm going to feel that it's more on my side as I was older & more experienced. I know that she's pretty immature, and she has a lot of growing up to do. But in some ways, she was more mature than me. That's why we meshed together so well. I'm on holiday for a week now. I've already sorted a few things to do, and people to meet, but it's hard. I'd already had holiday saved up to see her family in the summer, but I had to lose that, obviously. I talked to a friend just now, and she's definitely going out with the guy that I had suspected all along. I can understand her though. I'm sure he was "there for her", when I was acting badly (she had told me that I was too insecure, then hangs out with him all the time & had just started the medication…), and if she had stonewalled him, then she'd have no one to talk to seeing as I was gone & she was living alone & had no other friends. She's a lot weaker than I thought. |
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This so hard. One minute I feel fine, and confident that I will be fine. The next minute I breakdown and burst into tears. I know why she left me, even if it was fixable and she was too weak to stay & to try to fix it. I know that there's someone in my future who will stay and keep going when times are tough. I know why she got with her new lover. I just keep remembering the future that we had planned. All the ideas and passions. All the good times together. The holiday that we'd booked for the beginning of August. Yet I know that she's going to be going with him now. That she's probably already told him that she loves him. That he'll get to wake up next to her smile in the morning. It's so frustrating, because I know that I'm a "better" person. I'm a great guy, but I feel like such a failure. I know that money isn't everything, but he earns twice as much as I do, and I know that he'll be paying for everything and taking her on holiday, and on nice dates. I couldn't afford that; nor could she. I have M.E. so I couldn't really go on big trips like that anyway. It feels so stupid to be upset about something that in the long run isn't that important, but I just wish that I did have the money & energy to do those things with her when we were together. I'll never have that chance again, and I feel so terrible. Yes, I'm bettering myself. Yes, I'm filling up my time. Yes, I'm expanding my understanding and learning more and meeting new friends. But I just keep seeing her beautiful smile, and the delight in her eyes... and yet it's already aimed at someone else. It makes me physically nauseous and I can't stop crying. Whenever I suggested that we went out, she'd say no, as she knew that I'd be tired if we did. But that just made the relationship stagnate. I know that it's not my fault that I have M.E. but it's frustrating knowing that it's getting better now, and not before. I'm now getting worried that when I do meet someone new, then I won't be able to keep them happy. Eurgh, I really thought that I was getting better, then I have another full collapse. |
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Sup! Back again with more venting! I dreamt about her for the first time since the breakup (and remembered it!) last night. She was sad that it ended, but happy too, as my negativity had been weighing her down. She'd even drawn a picture of her, standing under the sky. When she was unemployed & at home, there was a dark cloud with a few drops of rain, but when she was with me towards the end, there was a huge storm cloud, and the rain poured down. I can see why she was so stressed the weeks before we broke up. She realised that she wasn't happy anymore, and that I was unhappy. She had someone waiting for her who would lavish things on her. So she jumped ship. I can understand that, as I've done it myself, to an extent. I always became unhappy in my past relationships. Was critical of them, and of myself. I never really accepted them for who they were, or for who I was. I always found flaws in myself to pick at. I had always assumed that within a relationship I'd be happy. But when I was in one, I found other things to be unhappy about, and other things that made me feel inadequate. That has to go. It's made me realise that in most of my relationships I was unhappy towards the end. My first relationship was fine though, but I knew that it wasn't going to work out, so I picked at myself. Maybe I've never forgiven myself for that? For letting go of that relationship that couldn't have worked out anyway? For breaking the heart of the first person that I loved. I know that I'm easy to fall in love, and easy to fall in love with, once a relationship starts. My problem is that after about a year, the picking starts all over again. I think that I intentionally (? ) made her unhappy, as I was unhappy too. Her problem & my problems made me unhappy, made me feel limited & frustrated. I couldn't admit that I was unhappy, as I was worried that she'd leave me. Worried that I'd lose what I had. I didn't come to the realisation that if I'd told her earlier, than it would result in less pain than if I'd told her now, and if she accepted those things then, then we wouldn't be in the mess that our failed relationship is in now. I wanted her to understand that I was unhappy, but instead of talking with her about it, I pushed it onto her. I loved her, so I wanted us to feel the same, to be the same. She didn't open up to me either though; she never told me how she felt. I just assumed that she was fine, so kept laying my unhappiness onto her. She should have told me, but maybe she just assumed that I "should know" if she's feeling bad. As she said when she broke up with me "I can't deal with how negative you are. I'm not your wife or long term girlfriend, so I don't have to deal with it." I feel that I've broken her heart through my actions, so she broke mine. I know that she can only see the negatives of our relationship right now, as all the positives are being filled up by her new beau. I know that she wasn't good for me right now (or then), and that I wasn't good for her. Yet, I have this underlying feeling that I've never felt before. That we were right for each other, just not at that moment in time. |
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Don't stop. Keep it going until it's gone. |
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I dreamed that I couldn't find my fiancé during a hurricane that was destroying buildings in another town and we could all see the buildings falling around us but I kept calling her phone and she wouldn't pick up. Does that mean anything? Nope, just like your dream Nice vent, but one thing I learned, never take dreams seriously. |
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Nah Rome, I'm not taking it seriously, it was just interesting that that's the way my subconcious "might" be interpreting things. I had a pretty up & down day today (mostly ups though!) I went to see some mutual friends of my ex & I (including one her old ex's). It was nice to see them again, as the last time that I saw them was in London two months ago, which was also the last time that I saw my ex *whimper*. I had a lot of fun, and it was great. My ex hasn't made any effort to talk with them at all since she broke up with me.. She hasn't even spoken to them in over a month, and she's broken two of our mutual friends friend's hearts. Pretty lame in my opinion. It's funny though; she's basically cut off everyone, that she used to know. She seems to do that a lot. She cut off all of her school friends, and all of her university friends. Not a very good habit to have, really. She could have just broken up with me & been single, and kept her new boyfriend as a friend (albeit a friend who had a huge crush on her). But now she's just jumped in with him, so if/when she breaks up with him, she'll have no friends again. Having no partner is all well & good, but having no friends too makes living extremely hard, I've found. Seeing them again brought back some sad memories though. Just imagining her new boyfriend staying at her parents house, seeing all her old school photos on the wall. But then I realised that I was that person to other people, and she won't see my old school photos at my parent's house either, so. I miss her. The new partner thing, the spiteful words that she said, the longing for her body. They all sting, but what I miss most is her as a person. I just want to phone her up and tell her what's going on with my life. So I know what's going on in hers. So we can chat for hours and just have a great time knowing each other. I miss that so much. |
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I wrote her another email, but I didn't send it. It opened up a few doors that I hadn't even known existed before though. In almost all of my relationships (apart from my first serious one), I've backed away from them after about a year. I think it's because that's roughly when my first relationship ended (give or take a few months), so at that point I reassess everything. I pick up on their tiny faults, and my tiny faults, instead of just accepting their faults for what they are: part of someone's overall beauty. I dwell on them, and blow them out of proportion. It's a self defence mechanism to protect myself from falling too head-over-heels. To protect myself from getting hurt and to prevent the heartbreak from before, even though it was my decision to end that first relationship. It's guilt and it's fear. I become more negative and morose to disassociate myself from the (supposedly) inevitable loss. That pushes people away, and I either break up with them, or they break up with me. I fear that I'll get hurt, or I feel guilty that I'll hurt someone else, again. I'm scared to commit to something that I feel so strongly for. I asked my ex from that first relationship if she does forgive me, and she said that she does. We all make mistakes, but the important thing is to learn from them. Now it's time for me to accept things as they are, and face my problems with communication and a pair of balls, instead of running away from them. |
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