[tuatara]

I am 26 and I’ve been with my current girlfriend for the past year and a half. We have been living together for the past 4 months or so. We are perfect together, and I can see myself in this for the long haul. The hard part comes in accepting her past.

I’ve known her for a long time, and about 5 years ago I went to her wedding. The marriage went south after a few years, and her and I got together following its collapse. The problem is I have been having huge difficulty accepting her marital status! I take marriage seriously, and don’t believe in re-marrying, how can you take that sort of oath twice? Makes a mockery of the whole process. Its just a personal view, I make no judgment of those that do re-marry. But with that mindset (that I wish I could shake but it seems stuck) I feel I can’t marry her, even though I would like to. I’ve found it really hard to accept that if I stay with her, I either will never marry or if I do it will be a bit of a joke. Its become such an issue that whenever I see old correspondence or documents with her married name on it, or when people I know get engaged, or I go to a wedding, I wind myself up into an angry/depressed state that can last days and sometimes weeks until I consciously lift myself out of it, tell myself I’m being stupid and that it really doesn’t matter that much. She’s too good to let go over something as trivial and unchangeable as a ‘past’, but at the same time I can’t accept the implications that past has for my future. Any ideas?

[talaniman]

This sounds like you have a few issues to be resolved and if you can't do it on your own, then counselling or therapy is the only thing I can think of. Be a shame to think an idea your stuck on stops you from being happy. You can't change the past so get over it and build a future. Help is what you need as I have never heard of weddings triggering depression and anger.

[J_9]

I agree with T. You seem to have some issues. Are your parents divorced? If they are, did they remarry?

Her past is in her past. There is nothing you can do about it.

We all live for tomorrow, not yesterday. We try to make our future better, but there is nothing we can do about our past.

You need to think deep and hard about why this actually bothers you. Counseling may be an option if you want to stay with this gal.

[Skell]

IT does seem a shame that this could stop you being happy and spending your life with the women you love.

Maybe 1 day you will realise that and these angry / depressed states will stick around permanently because you missed the boat.

Don't let that happen.

A friend of mine had a similar problem (he couldn't get over and abusive relationship his new girlfriend was previously in) and I know he got help through counselling. He is compeltely over it and is planning on asking his girlfriend to marry him in the very near future with no qualms at all.

[s_cianci]

Well, if you feel that strongly about it then maybe she isn't the one for you. You may have to go out and find yourself a bachelorette. You're young enough that it really shouldn't be that much of a problem. I sort of felt the same way when I was your age but eventually grew out of it, I think due to two things ; 1. As I got older I realized that the pickin's were becoming slimmer so I wasn't so choosy and 2. I came to realize that even bachelorettes had baggage as well so it really didn't seem to matter anymore. When I finally did get married it was to a woman who had been previously married, for 15 years. We've been married for 8 years now. We've had our ups and downs, the same as any married couple would, whether first time or not. I think an important consideration is why did her first marriage fail? She's obviously not a widow (would you feel differently if she were?) so you need to look into that. A rather clever idea, if you could pull it off, would be to talk to her ex and get his perspective on things. Of course, you won't take everything he says at face value but getting his point of view could be invaluable. Just like when applying for a job ; a prospective employer checks with your former employers for a reason. The same principle would be very worthwhile in relationships if it were possible or feasible to talk to the ex(s).