[dragospruce]

Last week my wife was home on time after work everyday except one day. She didn't go out anywhere this weekend to meet him. I'm very reserved about this (sort of waiting to see what happens this week. What I do know is that in February she gave him about $1100. Again, I'm just waiting to see what happens this month.

[Jake2008]

What more do you have to lose, and really, what will you gain should be more to the point.

It is really admirable, and my hat is off to you for being so considerate of how this will affect your daughter. To be the adult here, where you are the one being wronged, and not go down that slippery slope and play the blame game with your daughter, is the best thing you can do.

I suspect that as this goes on, your wife will play that game, and your daughter is more likely than not going to be suspicious of her, especially when you are taking the mature stand.

You may wish to consider being honest with your daughter, and if you do separate, tell her the truth. The marriage is not going to work out, and you are going your separate ways. You cannot tell her enough that this has nothing to do with her, and she is not loved any less because of the decisions that have been made. It is so much easier on kids to hear it directly from their parent(s), that they are not at fault.

You may not realize just how much they pick up on things, and understand and even expect that something major is going on. You don't sound like the kind of parent to me that will abandon her, and she knows that. Just keep reassuring her.

As to him 'winning'. What will he win when she no longer suits his needs. When she can't support him, and expects a 'relationship' with commitment, what do you think he is going to do. He is who he is, and has no moral compass, compassion, or character, or he'd not be doing what he's doing now with your wife.

I know sometimes it takes a long time to see what somebody is actually made of, and as far as your wife goes, she is probably similar character wise to the boyfriend. While the boyfriend takes from her, she takes from you. And for all the wrong reasons. Maybe it is because they are so similar that they hooked up in the first place. She will not be a different person, or a changed person, when the b/f decides to move on. She too, is, who she is.

[bigNavySeal]

Hmm very interesting Dragospruce, I have read the entire thread from beginning to end, and it progressed from 'still a strong expression of love between you and her' to 'drifting further apart'. How is the love meter between each other at the moment? How does your wife behave? I am very inexperience with relationships (just 24, and in fact never had a serious relationship yet, lol), but from what I read I cannot imagine her being truly honest and love giving to you anymore, after how she has behaved in the last… uh… months/years?

It's good she has been home in time after work for the last week. Maybe it's a positive trend, that she has possibly realized what she is doing, or maybe its just that her friend is out of town… Anyway, from what I read it seems you regularly have little self-esteem and let your wife go her own way without respecting your emotions, needs and interests. She is clearly in self-denial by continuously accusing you of jealously when the subject comes up, and this is because she clearly has conflicting thoughts. As many have said before, its unacceptable behaviour she displays, and she is scared to loose her ego over you and losing her double standards. I advise you to stand up when it happens again, strongly (I mean, talking-wise, use metaphores, if she objects or whatever, override her strong reaction and pursue making your point). For now, work on your relationship, especially as she showed 'honesty' this week in returning home every evening, but stand your ground. I suggest you take this time for possible counseling together and e.g. organize a family dinner with her parents and let her parents sub-consciously confront her with the subject/situation (Depends on her relationships with them of course, but e.g. let them (or you) bring up a e.g. philosophical/philosophy debate on this, but indirect to the topic, see how she reacts and her parents are there to 'back you up' in the sense of moral advise)…

Don't know what else to suggest, hope the best for you! Cause man, I for sure hope not she's going to throw away a 17 years lasting marriage. My parents are 30 years happily married and I'm proud of them! (Proud cause the older I get the harder it seems a bloody marriage is ever going to work, I sure needa find my right woman otherwise I'll never work… haha) Anyway good luck mate! (and sorry for my bad English as I am not a native English speaker).

Cheers

[dragospruce]

Thank you for your comments and advice. Everyone here has provided me with great advice and has helped me realize that I have options and am not doomed to die of a broken heart. I am still very much in love with my wife. I show and tell her this every change I get. This past week has gone very well. We have gotten along great and it has really seemed like it was before all of these problems started. Again, I am just being cautious and just waiting to see if things progress further. For her to stop giving him any money and to spend her time with her family instead of him is a good start. Although I would like to see her break all ties with him so that we can work to repair our marriage and get things back to the way they were.
I'm sure that there are low self-esteem issues on my part. I seem to constantly try to compare myself to her friend trying to figure out what she sees in him that I don't have. And trust me, I have stood up to her and we have gotten into some very bitter arguments over him. Her response now seems to be to tell me that she will not discuss her friend with me. Then run back to him and tell him what a horrible person I am. Also as you probably have read, I have confided in one of her family members that I know I can trust. If I tried to set something up with her parents she would most likely accuse me of trying to turn her parents against her. And she probably would refuse to discuss it.

[cleaner12002]

First - Sorry for your situation, when spouses detract from their primary relationship to be with someone else, for whatever reason - sucks.

Ultimatum is long overdue - Marital assets are marital assets - just because she works and it is "her money" doesn't allow for your lack of decision making with regards to use. How would she feel if you were spending $1,100.00 a month on prostitutes? Advise her that you would like her to leave, not that you want her to, only that the current situation has become unlivable. If she chooses to continue seeing other man, inform her that her possessions will be loaded into a POD and available to be picked up at any time by her. Get a life of your own, if she wants to date, go on a date - Doesn't have to be sexual - just enjoy another women's company. Understand that you can't change her, these decisions are hers, and if she is like my wife has to come to this realization on their own.

Good Luck

[dragospruce]

Thank you for your advice. I have been talking to a marriage consoler on my own (my wife refused to go) and it has helped me through some difficult times. You echoed some of what the consoler told me in that I can't change my wife and it is up to her to decide if she wants to change. It was also a great help to be able to pour my heart out and work through the pain and frustrations that my wife caused me. For the past month (as far as I know) my wife has not given him any money (other than paying for the occasional lunch or dinner). My wife told me that he had to sell some of his computer equipment in order to pay his bills. She even made the comment that she was getting tired of hearing him complain that he had no money to go out and eat or get a beer. He does nothing to try and find a second job or supplement his income in order to pay his bills. He just relied on my wife to give him whatever money he needed. I hope she can realize that is what is happening.
The consoler also said that all I can do is tell and show my wife how much I love her. I have done just that. If nothing else it has allowed my wife and I to discuss the situation without it evolving into a bitter fight. I know that my wife still considers him to be her best friend. They still see each other at least two or three times a week. I certainly wish she would break all ties with him for awhile but I don't think that will happen.

[artlady]

It sounds like she is finally getting fed up.A person has to learn to live within their means and can't and should not rely on others to pick up the slack.
I am glad to hear you are getting counseling and hopefully you are getting something positive from it.Thank-you for the update and I hope things are going to work out for you.You have certainly been patient and understanding throughout this ordeal.

[2foryou10]

It sounds to me like your wife's friend is a real low life , she is his sugar mommy and he is taking full advantage of her .
You need to put your foot down ASAP , Tell this guy if he ever takes another dime from your wife you will break his legs , tell him to lose your wife's number. If your wife don't like it then tuff cause she obviously don't care how you feel.

[dragospruce]

Part I & II merged.

It's interesting that you should say that 2foryou10. I see that your posting was in June. About the end of May, my wife came home one day and said to me “Do you want to have the argument now or later”? When I asked what she meant, she told me that she had given her friend $250 to make a car payment. Because she had told me before that she was not going to give him any more money; I started asking her if this was ever going to stop because I didn't think I wanted to be around if she continued to give him money. I had really had enough. My wife asked me if I wanted to get the money back. YES!! She grabbed her cell phone, dialed his number, handed me the phone and told me “Fine. You tell him”. I took the phone. When he answered I identified myself. All of the pain and anger that had been festering inside me for months, and trust me, it was mostly pain, came out at once. I told him I wanted the money back, that he was destroying my marriage. I asked him if he thought that my wife and I were rich and could afford to just hand him hundreds of dollars every month. I told him he was a parasite feeding on our bank account. Everything I had been feeling just spilled out and I kept going until my wife could finally pull the cell phone away from me. He never said a word. I heard my wife tell him that she would get the money from him in a few days and hung up.
My wife told me about a week later that after the phone call he immediately left town for a few days because he was afraid that I was stalking him. Stalking him? I never see or even talk to him. He was a coward and ran away.
Now after that long update: My wife has not given him anymore money. I know that she has lunch with him every week. My wife always buys. I assume they most likely talk to each other every day. My wife still considers him her best friend. My wife tells me that he 'hates my guts' and refers to me as “his stalker”. Frankly, I couldn't care less what he thinks of me and as far as me being a stalker; I say the guy is an idiot and he should look up that word in the dictionary.
The issue that I'm dealing with today is that my wife thinks it's OK to be married to me and have a separate relationship with him, independent of our marriage. She has told me that it's my fault because “I yelled at him on the phone.” I just can't understand how someone can be “best friends” with anyone who hates their spouse. I'm thinking I'm going to have to go back and talk to a therapist or a divorce lawyer.
Everyone here has given me great advice and I really appreciate reading your opinions.

[talaniman]

LOL, I would have scolded him too, now forget him, and talk to your wife, CALMLY. I assume she is telling you about what he says about you, but ask her what her reaction is when he puts you down.

I know, you wish the bum would disappear from your life, but I doubt he is that scared, but count it a plus, he gets no more cash. I will give your dilemma more thought. Talk to your wife preferably when she brings it up.

[Rich11111]

This has been going on for too long now, if she hasn't seen that what she is doing is wrong by now or at the very least respected your opinion as her husband, then I'm sorry but she never will, I honestly think now that the only way out of this for you is with a Divorce lawyer.

[Jake2008]

It is hard to imagine that you would be questioning the truth here. There are so many things wrong, the main one being there are three in the marriage, instead of two.

I would step up, and take care of business. The first thing I'd do is open my own bank account, and split everything in half. Then I'd take out of her half what she has 'loaned him', and she can collect it back from him.

Then secure your assets, by getting a separation agreement in place. Draw a line in the sand for example with her car, she can make the payments. In other words, like up the ducks.

I cannot imagine how difficult your life is. Expecting things to change, yet not seeing what is right before your eyes. I'm not saying that in a mean way. I really hope you are able to take some control over you life for your own sake.