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sunflower811 · Jun 17, 2009, 09:23 AM

I've been dating this guy for four years, I decided to tell him I need some space, so I met this other guy while I was buying food at a restaurant, we made eye contact. He followed me outside and ask me for my phone number. He called me right away, we were talking and getting to know one another over the phone. He told me what he does for a living and so on and so forth, he as me if I had any kids, I paused for a while than said "yeah I have a daughter, who is five. As days went by we started to text each other back and forth. One week went by, I asked him to come over my house because I had kinda forgotten what he looked like, he came over one night, he was really quiet we started watching tv, he then asked me to give him a massage, which I did, then he gave me one too, we then kissed, it was the end of that. One week after he told me he was coming to see me again, he stood me up with no phone calls, the next day he was blowing my phone, I never answred any of his calls. Finally I called him, he explained to me what had happened. He finally asked me out. We scheduled a date, we went on our date everything went according to plan. I forgotten my cell phone in the car and my former boyfriend kept calling me, he called me at least fifty times and left several messages, he said he was waiting for me in front of my house and that we have to talk, meanwhile I was with the new guy. The new guy since something was up, so he asked me what was wrong, I explained to him that I have an ex, and we broke up three weeks ago, but he still want me back. I did not want to go back to my house, so I droped off the new guy close to his car were had parked, which was about less than a mile from my house, it was poring rain that night. He said am I really going to have him walk in the rain all the way to his car? I said yeah, because I did not want my former boyfriend to see us together. After he left my car. I received a phone call from my ex boyfriends house phone, thats when I realized he wasn't at my house anymore. So I ran after the new guy, by that point he was already in his car. As I standing under the poring rain, I asked him to come up to my house. He kept telling me no, no, no "I have to go to work in the morning" than finally he did come up. I offered him a drink, he was obviously really upset. So we started to kiss, then it came down to having sex. After all that was over, he hardly called me again. After one week of not hearing from him. He called me and explain to me, it was because of what happened that night, that's why he is upset. I apologized so much, I even sent him and eight page text telling him how sorry I am. Now he really do not call me anymore. All I can think about is him, I can't sleep, I can't eat. I really want this guy. Help what do I do??

HistorianChick · Jun 17, 2009, 09:29 AM

I think he realized that he may just be the rebound guy and didn't want that title.

By leaving him in the pouring rain to walk to his car, you essentially told him that you were embarrassed of your developing relationship - a relationship that seemed to have been going fine. You hadn't told him about your boyfriend, that you were only broken up for three weeks, or that he was trying to "win you back."

You went into the relationship under false pretenses. He assumed that you were a single, available girl, when you're obviously not over your ex... or, rather, you're not far enough away from the relationship.

In my opinion, you need to step back and give yourself a chance to heal instead of jumping in to bed with another guy... no matter HOW in to him you are. You need time to get over this break up, figure out who YOU are again, and be comfortable with yourself... not needing a guy to define who you are.

Maybe he will give you a second chance, but you're going to have to give him time. He's just been shown that he's the rebound... and NO one likes that.

sunflower811 · Jun 17, 2009, 10:22 AM

Dear HistorianChick,

Thank you so much for replying. When me and him first started talking, he asked me if I had a boyfriend I said no, he asked me how long ago did you break up with your last one, I did tell him three weeks ago, So he knew from the beginning that I broke up with him three weeks prior to meeting him.

HistorianChick · Jun 17, 2009, 10:27 AM

Innnnteresting...

So he DID know that he was the rebound guy... interesting.

I still think that he felt you were embarrassed by him and your developing relationship. No guy wants to feel second best...

Unfortunately, he was honest with you about why he pulled back. That may be "it." Give him time... space... maybe at another point down the road, you two will have another chance.

Don't turn into a stalkerish ex. That's not pretty. Let him be. Ask him for a casual coffee at some point in the future... see what happens.

You're going to have to respect his wishes and let him work this out.

sunflower811 · Jun 17, 2009, 10:38 AM

You know what I really think, I think he is using that as an excuse, because he if he really liked me, none of that would have mattered. The day when he stood me up with no phone call, I forgave him because I liked him. He obviously know I like him. I would do anything right now to be with him

HistorianChick · Jun 17, 2009, 10:41 AM

But he has told you that he's not OK with it. He's not OK with what happened and hasn't tried to get over it...

I seriously recommend giving him the space that he has asked for. If you start calling him repeatedly, text him constantly, what is the difference between what your ex is doing to you? Don't turn stalker-ie.

It's not a fun place to be in and will only make the man think you're desperate. You don't want that.

sunflower811 · Jun 17, 2009, 10:46 AM

Yeah I know your right, it just hurts. I just wish that I didn't sleep with him, and the only reason that I did, was to show him how sorry I was. I lost him anyway

HistorianChick · Jun 17, 2009, 10:51 AM

You were in a relationship for 4 years. It is going to take some time to get over the lonliness that you're feeling. But, you know what? It DOES get better. You will survive this.

I said this in a post earlier today:

You need air to breathe to survive.
You need food to eat to survive.
You need a purpose to live for to survive.
You DON'T need a man to survive.

You're going to get through this.

sunflower811 · Jun 17, 2009, 10:55 AM

So you don't advise me to call or text him ever?

HistorianChick · Jun 17, 2009, 11:01 AM

I didn't say "ever." I said don't become stalkerish.

He needs time. Give him time. Then, as I suggested before, ask him to meet you for a casual coffee. Call him up, not through text.

Give it a week or so. A week and a half, whatever, but let it sit for a bit. You can't force him to get back with you, nor can you force him to have feelings for you. It sounds like he did and you just were careless... I don't think you were thinking clearly when you heard your ex was at your house, you quick let him off, then went to deal with business. That happens. Believe me, I know what it does to your head when you have an ex hounding you for contact. It messes you up.

This guy needs to be able to breathe. Give it a week or so. Call him up when you're out on the town and say, "Hey, I'm on my way to Starbucks, want to meet me there for coffee?" That way, you're not asking for a date, you aren't pushing yourself on him, you're simply telling him that you're thinking of him, and going about your life.

It can't be forced. It can't be pushed. It must take time.

sunflower811 · Jun 17, 2009, 11:05 AM

What if I give it a week or so, than call him to tell him that, it goes straight to voicemail, should I leave a message?

HistorianChick · Jun 17, 2009, 11:10 AM

Do you think you should?

N0help4u · Jun 17, 2009, 11:18 AM

I have noticed all too often that once a girl has sex early in a relationship she looses the guy. Often he thinks she is too easy and looses interest. As Historian Chick has said you complicated things with another guy and not being willing to walk him to his car in the rain because of the other guy.
He most likely feels that if you were truly over your ex you wouldn't have cared if he saw the two of you together.

sunflower811 · Jun 17, 2009, 11:21 AM

I don't know. Yes and no. I don't want to make a fool out of myself. Nothing hurts more then trying to win a guy back, and not getting the response you need. If it were to go straight to voicemail, I'm afraid me leaving a message wouldn't that make make me look desperate as well?

sunflower811 · Jun 17, 2009, 11:23 AM

My ex and I wasn't 100% over, I had just told him wanted space

N0help4u · Jun 17, 2009, 11:28 AM

You need to stop and look at what is best for you
Not what you want
Not what is convenient
If that means taking time for yourself N0 bf's then that is what you need to do

HistorianChick · Jun 17, 2009, 11:29 AM

Originally Posted by sunflower811

I dont know. Yes and no. I don't want to make a fool out of my self. Nothing hurts more then trying to win a guy back, and not getting the response you need. If it were to go straight to voicemail, I'm afraid me leaving a message wouldn't that make make me look desperate as well?

No, calling and hanging up (while your number shows up as a missed call) looks desperate.

If you call him, you have a purpose to call him. That purpose is left in a voice mail - just like anyone else. You call, he isn't there, you leave a message. That's it.

Yes, actually, losing someone that you love to cancer, that hurts more. Watching a loved one die from lukemia, that hurts more. Losing your best friend in a military skirmish, that hurts more. Hearing that your friend lost a husband in a car accident, that hurts more.

It's all about perspective. And you need to reacquaint yourself with what really matters.

sunflower811 · Jun 17, 2009, 11:41 AM

Than you so much Historian Chick for your advise you've made me feel so much better.

I understand what Nohelp4you is saying, but I'm happier when someone is in my life, you see I don't have much of a family, I don't have friends. The little time him and I spent together, I can actually say I felt really happy

talaniman · Jun 19, 2009, 04:18 PM

Dear Sunflower,
I wouldn't ever trust you no matter all the I'm sorries you give, because I know the ex is still in the picture, and you have shown that you would disrespect me, whenever he came around. Thanks for the sex, but leave me alone, unless you get horny, and I will do the same. Thanks again, and see you around.

Signed,
The new guy.

PS, leave a voice mail when your hot. And leave the other drama at home.

What self respecting guy would be into someone who has done that to them? Get over the ex, and learn to be nicer, and respect folks. Sorry doesn't cut it, not even when you say it with sex.

sweet1028 · Jun 20, 2009, 11:06 AM

Wow! I don't want to sound mean and sorry if it sounds that way. But you said you needed space with your ex, well he's not really your ex then just the person you are spending time away from. Going and having sex with another man is not going to help your problems with the man that you are with. The new guy sounded very interested in you but lost interest after sex... sounds to me like he knew he was the rebound after the sex. A woman should not just give herself up to sex because she wants to show how sorry she is about something. What does he have to look forward to now? He has already had you in bed and maybe a little too fast which might have pushed him away rather than made him want to be closer to you. Good luck...